The Doorway of Change

I'm sitting at the doorway to another season of change in my life right now.

It was over seven months ago when I was sitting in my camper last fall for the last weekend, the last sunset, the last campfire, the last sleep there for the season.  I would drive away that last Sunday finally (yet tentatively) ready to embark and embrace the start to a great season of change for my life.

I decided to tackle my health, my weight, my bitterness, my anger and work on finding my sparkle back... finding myself back... and not just finding the old me that was lost... but really truly find the real me, the authentic me, the me I never took the time to find or allowed myself to become.

It's been a really great, really hard, really good, really bad, really emotional seven months for me, but I feel I am finally in the groove, finally getting the hang of the new habits and mindset I have been aspiring towards and trying to tackle and overcome every day.  I have finally reached my weight loss goal, I have finally set my next goals and achievement targets, I have finally come to really embrace and love the me I'm becoming.

And now, here I stand again at the last page of a current chapter, and I need to turn the page to continue on. I'm finding myself nervous and hesitant, something I'm unfamiliar with as I'm unsure how to continue forward and navigate my next steps well.

My self instructed change is nearly always instigated from a place of rock bottom, a place of hopeful increase and betterment.  But this time things are going great and I'm standing almost at the top, almost at the peak of my A Game... For the first time ever, I have anxiety surrounding this change, and this is foreign territory for me.

We start a new season of camping next weekend.  I will again get the great joy of spending three to four nights each week at the camper enjoying lake life, and three to four nights each week at home enjoying work life.  I love the life we have carved and created at the lake.  We honor our decision to spend time as a family there, and we continue to make commitment decisions that will allow us this time away.  No summer youth sports.  No summer cupcakes or side jobs. We will rest, we will laugh, we will grow, we will worship, we will love and be in community every weekend around the shores, picnic tables, decks, golf carts, and fires of our neighbors.  And honestly I can't wait to get back there...

But... my beloved morning routine in the basement on my treadmill and elliptical before 5:30 am will not be an option while I'm at the lake.  I am half marathon training this summer, and I know what kind of mileage numbers I'm looking at needing to put in.  There is no town, no street lights, and the weather is not always great.  I have no cell service for music and running apps due to poor provider coverage. I know I will need to choose between either running outside in whatever weather comes our way, or not exercising at all.

I hold a fear that I will give in to the easy, the ideal, the it'll-be-ok-to-skip-just-this-once mentality, and quickly fall into the same bad habits and poor choices I made with exercise and eating last summer. I fear I will again gain back all the weight I've lost this winter, that I'll quickly let the habits go that I firmly hold in my hands right now.

Diligence and discipline are two hard words for me, two words I'm currently almost friends with... two words that I know can quickly turn back to enemies in a flash.

I also stand in the doorway of change in my job at the church.  After a shorter than most expected season of transition, I will soon also be heading into a season of change amid new leadership, new work dynamics and expectations, and new vision as we welcome a new head pastor to our staff and leadership tables.  Don't get me wrong, I am also incredibly excited about this opportunity, but I am fully aware that there will probably be a large degree of change involved in my job. I have no idea what changes may be coming, though I am actually not at all fearful of the cost of their implementation. Yet, stepping forward head on, looking at it eye to eye, does not simplify or sugar coat the reality that change is again right around the corner.

Personal change and corporate change both bring and require their own layer or two of uncertainty, uncomfortableness, questions, and personal growth.  Change is never easy, even when it's good and necessary.  Change always requires something from us, an investment, an acceptance, a gaining, a giving up.

So while I'm standing on the cusp of a time I have been eagerly waiting and praying for, both in my personal life and in my professional work life, I can't help but turn and peek back at what is behind me.  To remember all the reasons and circumstances that have implemented the seasons of change behind me, to not forget the purpose and meaning of my life and my journey.... and to hold on to that while reaching forward to the new possibilities and opportunities of the days, weeks, and months standing now directly in front of me again.

May I be open to what God is calling me to, may I be diligent and perseverant in what I say and do, may I be successful in what I continue to set as my goals and dreams.  May I simply continue to choose the forward momentum in my life right now.

May I be openly interruptible by all this change, may it not deter my current forward trajectory.  May I walk into each tomorrow with my palms open, open and accepting to whatever it is that God has next in the pages of my life's book.  May I be open and aware to the reality that the specific angle and direction of my current forward will be slight altered due to the simple circumstances of change beyond my control.  May I be able to flow with whatever shift to the left or to the right that will be caused, but still hang on tight to my firmly forward.

May I allow my life course to be adaptable and moldable through this next phase of change, and may I continue to find my own successes and overcome my own obstacles with fresh eyes and a renewed spirit within the unlimited possibilities of all things currently unknown.

{ Previous blog post "Extravagant Blessings" HERE }

Extravagant Blessings

Most of my adult life I have struggled with an inner dialog of "want." And I'm more than sure I spent my entire childhood wanting without a care in the world about anyone beyond myself.

Now as an adult I find myself a very selfish person inside if I'm honest, always wanting something more, something newer, something greater, something bigger, something better, just something else... but in that desire is always a tension of awareness of need justification.

I am fully aware of the great blessing of life that I have.  I am healthy.  My family is healthy. I live in the freedom of America, I get to go to work at an amazing church every day.  I was born into middle class affluence and I have a family lineage of strong Christian leaders behind me, who have paved a path to success for me.  I have parents that love and support me, I have an education, I have a hard working husband who provides and loves me well, I have a house, reliable transportation, my children are getting a good education and have never been without. #extravagantblessings

And yet outside all of that... I still want more.  I still want bigger and better.  And I never quite know how to sit well in that valley of my life, that middle ground between Need vs Want.  Others vs Myself.

This morning I woke up early, saw the cold rain outside and headed downstairs to exercise.  I found myself so grateful for the gift and opportunity to have both a treadmill and an elliptical.  I use them nearly every day, and while yes, I do have a love / hate relationship with them, if I'm honest I would admit a million times a day I love them much more than I hate them. I am able to choose myself and my health and chose to make my life and my body stronger without leaving my house. #extravagantblessings

After my run I came up and took a bath in my fancy jet tub.  Truth be told, I only recently let myself start using it - for over fifteen years I lived in this house and used it less than five times.  There are people all over the world who do not have clean drinking water, and I could not justify filling that bathtub with water. I filled it with Christmas presents every year, but never with water.  But recently I've been half marathon training, and one night I allowed myself to indulge... and I admit... I am hooked.  #extravagantblessings

After a long, cold winter we finally got to go to the campground yesterday and opened up our camper to get ready for the new season.  Last fall after much debate, my husband and I allowed ourselves to make a family and life investment, and we upgraded to a new camper far beyond anything we needed.  It's honestly one of the greatest things we own, I am so honored and proud and excited to get to call it home and create life and memories in it... And yet, we basically didn't even dare tell anyone about this one thing we are most proud of owning, because of it's great extravagance. #extravagantblessings

And when I got home from the lake yesterday,  there was a package in the mail for me.  After over three years of talking about it daily, I finally gave in and ordered a laptop for myself.  I love to write, I love to take photos and process and organize and order them.  I also love the concept of taking notes at meetings and the freedom of work on the go that a laptop can offer.  I had actually first ordered an older model, used, and for a forth of the price.  It came... and it would not even load when I turned it on, it had a corrupt harddrive.  I was so disappointed and it was back in the mail to the seller the following morning.

But I had officially touched one... a fancy, beautiful laptop... and I allowed myself yet again to talk myself into the justification, and I ordered another laptop.  Skip the used, skip the cheap, skip the refurbished.  I ordered brand new, factory sealed, and it came in two days.  I plugged it in and turned it on, and within minutes I was all set up and ready to write.  #extravagantblessings

So where am I going with all this you ask... To be honest, I'm not even sure.  I just found myself this morning after a five mile run, sitting in the quiet of my house, listening the furnace running and the cold rain outside, my puppy curled up next to me while the rest of my family slept. I sat in a place of utter gratefulness to all that I have.  And I found myself trying to fight off those feelings of needing to feel shame and hide, and the overwhelm of it about made me just weep.

I have it so so so good... and yet I so often hear the story in my mind telling me my life is so so bad.  I hear the lies telling me that I am a failure for all that I don't have and all that I haven't done.  I hear the whispering of comparison saying I'm not good enough because I don't have enough, I haven't done enough, I'm not worthy enough.  I hear the hiss of satan breathing earthly desires into my heart which leave me fighting for clarity in the ever swinging pendulum between needs and wants.

Balancing it all is so hard for me.  How do you live well, love well, love yourself, love your family, love others in the most tangible way within the realm of God's Heavenly kingdom call and earth's sensual earthly desires?? It's a balance, a very very thin and precious fine line we need to so carefully tread upon.  Some days my steps are sure and steady, and some days I trip and stumble and fall far from the path clearly set in front of me.

Yes, I own and have many many things I do not need, things I could do without, things I could give away.  Some of them are justified purchases, many are not.  I am fully aware of the failings and fallings of my sinful self.  But I do love that God has placed this great seed of awareness within me, a little road bump to slow me down to ask and consider before leaping.

He does not want us to live in need, but he also does not want us to live a life of indulgence while ignoring the broader vision of need in the houses, blocks, towns, cities, countries all around us. 

I am beyond extravagantly blessed in my life right now, and I am grateful, and I am humble, and I am appreciative.  It is my prayer that I will continue to know and acknowledge these great gifts I have been given, and be ever mindful with eyes and ears open to people, places, and things around me in which I can also pour my own personal extravagant blessings into.

It is my continual prayer that my own desires and wants not blind me from the needs of so many around me.  May my heart grow with a desire to extravagantly give away and bless others in the same manner, the same desire as I want to extravagantly give and bless myself.  I think if we all tried to wrestle through this very concept of extravagant giving in each of our lives, there would be an amazing opportunity to extravagantly bless millions, which I have personally found, will absolutely extravagantly bless ourselves in return tenfold.

#extravagantblessings #extravagantgiving

{ Next Blog post "The Doorway to Change" HERE }

{ Previous blog post "The Wake and Ripple Our Lives Make" HERE }

The Wake and Ripple Our Lives Make

This week I attended the funeral of a loving, devoted, Godly saint from our church.  I grew up just down the gravel road from her and her family, a dear neighbor who was always just a phone call and a mile away any time we needed anything big or small, day or night.

That same day was also the eve of my sons ninth birthday.  Another women gave birth to my son, and she chose me to be his mama.  The reality of this always makes me more than a little emotional on multiple levels. Someone chose me to be what they could not, to one of the most dear things in their life.  I have always viewed the gift and responsibility of this reality to be enormous.  I have some mighty big shoes to fill.

As I sat in that sacred sanctuary that morning, looking around at those in attendance, watching the grief and joy and emotions of family and friends as we listened to stories, sang, and reflected as we celebrated her dear life and love of all things and people, I couldn't help but find myself wondering and thinking about my own funeral someday.

I wondered if I will be young - unexpectedly sleeping after a day of busy, or if I'll be old - quietly napping after a life expired and full.  I wondered if I'll have already said goodbye to my dear husband, or if he will be the one sitting without me in the front row of that service.  Will my death be unexpected and quick, or will it be a long journey of suffering, the end a blessing?

I framed this pondering and these questions not through a lens if self centeredness, self gossip-y-ness "oh I wonder what people really think about me and who would really come..." No, I sat there with the questions:  Who would be there ~ who has my life significantly touched?  What songs would they sing?  What life verse would they have on my memorial slide? What words would be comprised together for my obituary, the final few words left to summarize the entirety of my life? What would people say about me and my character and the life I lived while here on earth?

With an ultimate question - Is my life making a difference to others?  Is my life making a difference in the Kingdom work?  Am I truly living a life right now that is reflective of the person I was created to really be?  Am I living a life right now that is leaving a mark, leaving a legacy that will live far beyond me after I'm gone?

I know I've thought about this a lot throughout the past two years, and I've even written about it before HERE ~ "The Responsibility of Legacy."  But as I sat there, I was again drawn to the desire to continue to aspire to live the life I'm supposed to be living.  Births and deaths have a way of doing that... of creating a stopping point, a check point.

Life is not about achieving perfection and completion.  Life is about the journey, the messy paths interlaced with those around us... those who we see and rub shoulders with both every day, as well as those we touch just occasionally, and even some whom we will have never met or have even known.  It's about what we say, what we do, and what choices we make every day that affect the person we are to ourselves, and the person we are to those around us.

The people that each and every one of us effect throughout our lifetimes is a vast and humbling number.  We have no idea the wake and ripple our lives make on the lives of those in the world around us.  We hold the power to live and love well, and we also hold the power to hurt and destroy just as easily.  Our words, our deeds, our decisions, our actions, our reactions, ultimately define the wholeness of who we really are through the eyes and in the hearts of all those around us.

Many times I don't think we take the time to really grasp that full reality.  We don't want to take the time to ask those big, burning questions.  Those silent reflections between ourselves and God, asking if we are doing what we are supposed to be doing, if we are living with the integrity and character in the manner He created us to be.  We live in fear of what we might hear.  We live in fear of hearing that whisper of requested and required change.

Many of us live in fear of death, but many may also live in an unrecognized fear of life, of authentic living.  It's often easier to set life on auto pilot and not feel, not deal, not come to grips with the reality and work sometimes required of us to become better, to excel, to live into our plan and greater purpose.  We are all carrying around so much junk, so much baggage.  We hang on so tightly to things that just hold us back and drag us down, and continually knock others over in our wake.

God did not intend for us to live saddled and yolked.  He did not create us to live in fear, to live less than, to live heavy and burdened.

There is a great art in learning to live and travel lightly.  I am not there, far far from there... but I have had a taste, felt the deep breath of a few lifted burdens, the joy of embracing unbridled passions and dreams.  It's often hard, it's usually scary, it almost always hurts.

Seeing clearly the we's who we truly are from the inside out, rather than from the world's outside in, is a hard road to cross lanes into.  Choosing to live with integrity and intentionality is a much harder life than one of self indulgence and denial.  To chose to live within a legacy of love and greatness is one we have to choose to live every single morning, one we have to die to every single night at the end of the day.

I so want to hear those whispered words "Well done my good and faithful servant" at the end of my days here on earth.  I so want the deeds and actions of my life today to live on far beyond my life, my legacy that I leave to be rich and full and authentic and real.  May my wake and ripple reach far beyond my wildest imagination.

May each of my days continue to grow and glorify and draw me one step closer to eternity and to the arms of Jesus, and to my precious little Faith MaryJo.  Oh I long for the day to finally hold her, have her there beside me forever, and I cannot wait to hear and see the full story unfolded and revealed to me of her reason, her purpose, and her legacy.

Oh may I continued to be blessed with a life today where I am able to continue to be a blessing to those tomorrow.

{ next blog post "Extravagant Blessings" HERE }

{ previous blog post "In The Blink Of An Eye" HERE }

{ blog post "Responsibility of Legacy" HERE }

In The Blink Of An Eye

I'm sitting today in a waiting room of a surgical speciality hospital. Its been a long day. It's been a hard week and my heart is heavy. There isn't a clear reprieve or rest in my immediate sight line. I am almost overwhelmed in my overwhelm.

This is the sixth time I've sat in this waiting room while family and friends have undergone surgery.

The last time I spent three days and two nights sleeping on this exact couch while my husband underwent major back surgery from an unexpected accident. He would be off work recovering for months. I remember my tears as I witnessed his pain. I remember my emotional fatigue as the reality of it all took its toll. We journeyed through that season and weathered that storm...

I sit in the silence today and I ponder how to even process this all. How do I sit in the great wake between weakness and wonder. The middle ground between the blessing and the beast of burden.

I am fully aware how in the blink of an eye everything can change.  In the blink of an eye everything we know can be altered in an instant, sometimes momentarily, sometimes forever.

In the blink of an eye you can receive a call from the emergency room... there's been an accident...

In the blink of an eye you can unexpectedly fall or get injured, breaking bones, tearing muscles or joints and suddenly changing immediate and longer term plans, schedules, jobs, and dreams.

In the blink of an eye you can lose your spouse of 54 years.

In the blink of an eye you can suffer a spinal injury while swimming and become paralyzed, unable to ever walk again.

In the blink of an eye the phone can ring letting you know there is a baby that has just been born, and the birth mom has chosen your family.  You are suddenly a family of four.  Which also means there's a dear mama going home without her baby, because she choose you to be the mama instead...

In the blink of an eye your vehicle can break down leaving you with thousands of dollars of repairs and no way to cover them.

In the blink of an eye you can receive the diagnose, the phone call, the news, the cancer reality.

In the blink of an eye your house can burn and you could lose everything.

In the blink of an eye your beloved family pet could be lost in the fire that also is leaving you temporarily without a home and all your possessions.

In the blink of an eye you see a little miracle heartbeat on a dark tv screen for the first time.

In the blink of an eye you hear the words I’m sorry but there’s no heartbeat, that little miracle already gone.  You are suddenly still a family of four.

All of these blinks have already happened to me or to someone close to me.  And my question and angst sways back and forth between the awe and grace I grasp and my current awareness of what I know is my personal blessing right now, in this season of my life, and the heaviness and weight of the suffering and burdens of many of those closely around me right now. My heart aches for them and my heart also rains appreciation in my own life's current reprieve.  I wait cautiously for when my turn will again return.

I'm again so drawn to the reality and awareness that we must not take one day, one moment of our lives for granted. We must not wish away these moments, we must not live our days without purpose, direction, and directed dreams.

We are not guaranteed tomorrow, I've said this over and over over the last two years of my life. I tell it over and over to myself. Over and over to anyone who goes into any kind of deep (or not so deep) conversation with me. I say the words and grasp the concept, but am I truly living out this reality?!? Is what I do and how I live really intentional enough to continue to wholly change me while quietly touching the lives of some around me.

Are we waking up and rejoicing over the gift of another day we've been given? Are we greeting the day asking what we can to make today great? Are we letting go of the anger and frustrations and bitterness that we can so easily harbor and so easily swallow and engulf and dim our greatness and our worthiness? Are we loving ourselves enough and seeing others and loving them enough?

Are we present enough, grateful enough, happy enough, fully invested enough in the right nows?

Intentionality. One of my life's theme words.   Authenticity. My second life's theme word.

I want to live every single day with intentionality and authenticity in everything I say and do. To myself, to my family, to God, to my friends, to the stranger in my midst. Life can change in the blink of an eye and it is my prayer I will grasp each moment with all the greatness and mightiness that God intended and hoped I would create and make of it.

I pray this for everyone.  That we would look for the good, the great, the God, even in all the burdens, the bitterness, the brokenness. That we would not put off to tomorrow what we could be doing today.  That we are not overcommitting and under living.  That we are not settling for mediocrity, but striving for absolute greatness.  That we live with pride, with purpose, with an intense intentionality that allows us to live fully and faithfully to our final day. 

Faith... The Key To It All

I have spent a lot of time trying to find the words for this post.

Faith... The key to it all.  It's so short and simple, and yet so complex and incredibly divine.

I was recently at a business I am rarely at. As I was briefly waiting, I looked over to a small wall of clothing and accessories they had for sale, and I saw it. This beautiful key necklace with the five letters FAITH firmly stamped into the hard metal.

It stopped me completely, took my breath away entirely, opened the eyes of my soul instantly.

That was it, the black and white reality that FAITH is the key to it all.

The dictionary defines Faith as:

- Strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension [anxiety or fear that something bad or unpleasant will happen / understanding; grasp] rather than proof.
- A complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

FAITH. My whole life I have carried a strong belief in God - but it took the life and loss of our daughter Faith to finally be the key to fully finding my absolute trust AND confidence in God. FAITH.

My "spiritual apprehension" happened, that fear of something bad or unpleasant happening happened.  And in that bad and unpleasant, I was finally able to start taking down my walls of fear and completely trust, with confidence, the journey God has me on.  I am finally starting to find unquestioning confidence in His grace, His forgiveness, and His love for me.

It took losing it all (or at the time what I felt like was losing it all) for me to actually find it all.  God chose to orchestrate the life and loss of our Faith MaryJo to be the thing that would ultimately both drive me as far from Him as I've ever been, and also return me and drive me closer to Him than I've ever been.  It's a humbling juxtaposition.

All that heartache, all that fear, all that sorrow was actually the key that would start unlocking the door to my heart, my mind, my soul.  I am starting to realize now, over two years later, that that was one of those necessary events to start the wake up call needed to slowly start changing my life and my relationships with myself, with others, and with God Himself. 

Of course I haven't completely "arrived" yet. Of course I still question the why's and what's of the things that happen to me.  Of course I'm no where close to fully loving and accepting my perfectly imperfect self.  I still fail multiple times every single day... every single hour... but I do believe the door of understanding, awareness, and acceptance has been unlocked.

While all those tears, and all those bitter and angry thoughts and words were escaping out that unlocked door over the last two years as I've mourned and processed the reality of my loss... I have also come to realize that many many things were also entering into that unlocked door.  Good things, hard things, real things, God things.  The door has remained unlocked and I am continuing to both release and welcome many things.

The spiritual FAITH I have come to cling to, thanks to the help of our FAITH MARYJO, has been the key to finding truth, finding acceptance, finding grace, finding forgiveness, finding love, finding awareness, finding connection.  The key to finding me, finding others, finding God.

Why did I leave the door to myself closed and locked for so long?  Why did it take something so hard and so sad to finally be the necessary key to it all?  Of course I don't know these answers, but I do know this newly unlocked door is helping me find gratitude in my heartache.  Helping me find joy in my sorrow.  Helping me find peace in my anxiety. Helping me find the answers to my questions. Helping me find hope in my fear.

I'm coming to FAITH, coming to simply trust fully without the proof.

FAITH is enough.  It always has been, but it just took a very small child, who was never given life or breath on earth, to finally, simply, fully, lead me to the awareness and the acceptance of the magnitude and meaning of those five little letters. 

FAITH MARYJO was the key that is unlocking my ultimate FAITH in God.  And that FAITH in God was the key that unlocking the ultimate gift of love and acceptance of myself and my life.  And for that, I am grateful.

{ previous post "Reaching Small Goals"}

Reaching Small Goals

Today I reached one of my first small training goals - which in reality for me, was a rather large achievement goal...

Today I logged my first double digit mile workout (that wasn't on a bike).

I got up early and made it ten lone, long miles. I even had a little sweat (I don’t usually sweat... like at all... yea, I'm weird I know...)

I was scheduled to have reached this “milestone” last week in my half marathon training... but I was dealing with a sprained tendon from a nine mile workout the previous week. I also ran in the End It for Autumn 5k Color Run.

So that ten mile run never happen.

I spent most of the week last week thinking about how the last time I had seriously trained for a half marathon (three years ago)... I got to this exact part of my training... the 9-10 mile mark... and it was really hard... and I quit. Muscles, feet, hips, knees got sore, my determination and willpower got deflated, and I quit.

I sat all week nursing and doctoring a sore foot, trying to talk myself into quitting again. I am not a runner, and for me this is so hard mentally and physically, not to mention the amount of time and willpower needed to devote to diet and exercise every week. Hours that I'm trying to be sure to create and protect, hours I'm trying to not feel guilty about devoting to myself.

Several people rallied behind me and enforced the fact that I cannot quit this time.

I was able to run the Autumn Race on Saturday. I felt great and it went great. I blew my past 5K time out of the water in fact... I continued lightly onward with my training this week and laid in bed last night wresting with myself over what time to get up in the morning, what day to attempt to do my long workout this weekend, and if I was going to try run inside or outside (I'm crazy particular about time and weather conditions when I run outside, and with my current job schedule, I haven't had many outdoor running opportunities yet this spring)... I also tried talking myself into hanging on to my injury "free pass" a little longer and just skip it all together... This I knew would put me a few steps closer to that low and hovering quitting line.

Eight miles.  Eight miles was my scheduled long run for this week.  I had successfully completed this distance a few weeks early.  I knew I could do eight miles, maybe I didn't need to quit just yet...

I decided finally to just try do it in the morning, and to just do it on the elliptical. If it didn't happen the next morning, I still would have two more days to attempt it again.

I got up and everything felt strong and pain free, and I was able to somehow talk myself into going longer than I had planned when I had climbed on and got started.  Ten miles.  I successfully completed ten miles.

As I finished I felt an odd sense of accomplishment instantly mixed with a heaping dose of “cheaters” guilt over having done it on an elliptical, and not on a treadmill. (In my mind I apparently consider that "cheating" for some reason.)

“Ok self, so how many other people got up at 4am and logged ten miles on anything before a full 12+ hour day of work, juggling two jobs? Probably not many, and why does it matter anyway?!? Call yourself a cheater, whatever ~ you still got up and did something at least!!”

I also had this odd feeling that I shouldn't tell anyone about this small success.

“Ok self, people don't really care, don't really need to know, and are not interested in your small personal victories. Sharing this success would just be sound braggy and turn people off, and I would die if they knew how long it took me - how slow I am... Ok I get that... but what about those who are also out there doing the hard work - how will they know they're not alone in their fight for fitness and goal achievements? What about the people who need the nudge and encouragement that they can do anything they want and the time to stand up and start is right now? Why is this supposed to be a silent victory and not a sharing victory? And self, don’t forget, if you do share this - then surely what will people think next week when you do quit, or when in three months you’ve gained thirty pounds back and are a weight loss failure again?”

But I also couldn't get over this nearly overwhelming swell of gratitude that kept bubbling up in me at that moment. Not gratitude in my actual accomplishment, but gratitude in being at a place in life right now to be able to even consider setting and achieving some of these small goals in life.

I am alive, I am healthy right now. My family is alive and are healthy right now. There isn’t anything (except myself) that is currently keeping me from being able to set out to try achieve and try be successful right now. God has granted me and my family a Season of Blessed right now, and I am fully aware of it. This has not always been the case in my life, and I am so grateful right now.  In fact, there was a time only a few short months back that I honestly thought I would never even be able to run again.  This reality is humbling and sobering to me.

I am fully aware life can change in the blink of an eye, and I continue to wrestle the guilt of this gratitude away so I can fully grasp and hang on to this gift, this season, while I can, right now.

I continue to be blessed to wake up every morning. It is my choice what I do with my time and my days. It is my choice what attitude I put on and what outlook I take. It is my choice what to write on the lines of my bucket list and the pages of my to-do lists. It is my choice what I do to start working towards achieving and crossing those off in completion.

Today, in this season right now, I choose to celebrate my current health and I choose to try continue forward in my training. I choose to try continue forward being a non-running runner, and giving God the glory and gratitude in every footstep that He allows me to accomplish. Whether those miles are logged on a road outside, on a treadmill in the basement, or my "cheaters" elliptical pristinely parked next to that treadmill in my basement - I will count each mile as the grand gift that they truly are.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know if I'll actually be able to start and finish an actual half marathon event this year, or ever in my life for that matter… Yet I have been given this strange dream and desire to push towards this crazy current goal of mine (have I ever mentioned I’m not a runner??). I honestly don't fully understand it, but I guess that is exactly how the humor of God has always worked in my life.

So I will smile (and probably moan and groan a little), I will continue to set my alarm and lace up my shoes.... I will continue onward, and just trust whatever opportunities and reasons are involved in this current crazy journey of mine. {wink}

#joyinjesus  #christinthechaos  #runlikethewindbullseye

{ next post "Faith The Key To It All"}
{ previous post "When You're Not Enough"}

When You're Not Enough

I have spent my whole life feeling and battling an inner war and whisper that I wasn't enough.

I wasn't thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, social enough, athletic enough, fast enough. I didn't earn enough, work enough, rest enough, balance the chaos enough. I didn't read the Bible, pray, go to church, volunteer enough. I wasn't talented enough and surely my house was never clean enough.

I wasn't mom enough, wife enough, daughter enough, friend enough. I didn't eat healthy enough, sleep enough, exercise enough, play with my kids enough. I didn’t love my husband enough, I wasn't fertile enough, I wasn’t friendly enough, and I didn't give to others enough.

I have spent my whole life striving for this unattainable bar of perfection. I have strived endlessly attempting to simple be enough, but I never was.

I did not love me, myself, and I enough.

And that, right there, I think is the key to all of my other "not enough's". If we don't allow ourselves to actually (and fully) love ourselves, we will never be able to grow, and change, and flourish into being allowed (and able) to be enough for anyone else, or in any other aspect or avenue of our lives.

The simple reality is - I AM not enough, and I never will be.

I am who I am, and that has to, at some point, just be good enough, and acceptable enough, to both myself and to the world at large around me. God created me, specifically, as a special child of God, His beloved daughter - He designed and created me with all my little quirks and filled the DNA of my soul with many gifts and talents. There is no other me anywhere in the whole wide world. Why couldn’t… isn’t… wouldn’t.. that be enough to make me “enough”?

I'm starting to learn that figuring out the trickiness of unselfish love of ourselves is the grand tether to everything else in and around us. It is the instigation, the integration, and the acceptance of our imperfections, flaws, limitations, and failures. It’s what keeps us connected to God, and to others, and allows us to be infinitely attached and drawn tighter, closer in, with each cycling revolution of our journeys.

I have to continue to learn how to strive towards, how to embrace my "not enough’s" and make them be "enough." I need to step out in confidence, that I don't need to continue to be weighed down by my probably made up, not even real perceptions of the worlds "I'm not enough" that I have fabricated in my crazy little mind of mine. I have allowed all my fears and doubts to create issues, and problems, and realities within me that aren't even real, or at least not real on the scale in which I have blown them up to be.

No, I am not enough, and that is ok, because I was never created to be enough.

It's in all my “not enough” - that is exactly where God has called me to find and create my fullness and my greatness. He has equipped me with strength, and determination, perseverance, and ultimate success and greatness in my "not enough".

If I had always been enough, I would have never needed God, and wouldn’t continue to need Him every day, every hour, every minute of my life. I would have never suffered, pushed, failed, hurt, wept, mourned, grown, questioned, been disappointed, persevered, overcome… In all those very trials and weaknesses, that is where we break and bleed and need to drag ourselves over and over back to the cross and lay at the feet of Jesus, tired and broken and utterly lost.

In that brokenness, in that open gaping hole in our hearts, in all that “not enough-ness” is the exact spot where God seeps in and fills us with the salve and the magic to heal and move us towards something better, often something far greater than we could have ever dreamed or imagined for ourselves.

He is our enough in our not enough. And we need to let Him be our "enough." As much as we don’t want to admit it or want it to be the reality, we are not enough because we are not in control, we are not perfect, we are not without sin, we can not do life alone. And I think my friends, that that is enough. That simple truth, filled with all its glory, and grace, and forgiveness, and freedom is what needs to be our enough.

May all of our “not enough’s” stop being the things that continue to blind us, bind us, bring us down, hurt us, hold us back. May all our “not enough’s” actually be the forward pathways to help us along our journeys to find, become, know, and succeed. Through Christ we actually can, and will finally and fully be enough in all our “not enough’s”.

I’ve come to realize this is not an easy and instant fix. It’s not an easy and instant mind change. It’s hard, really hard, and it’s all part of our process, our grand journey through that magic dash between the dates of our birth and the dates of our death. We need to wake up every morning decide it’s ok to love ourselves. We get to wake up every morning decide it’s ok to love ourselves, because God created us, and has allowed us to. We just have to figure out the balance of give and take, and guilt, and submission, amid all the internal and external facts, realities, myths, and mysteries.

Let's all try love ourselves, love others, and decide to just be enough, in all of our "not enough’s".

{next post "Reaching Small Goals"}
{ previous post "The Living Room of My Heart"}

The Living Room of My Heart

Once upon a time, not that long ago, my husband and I never had people over to our house - and we never were invited over to anyone else's house.  We weren't anti-social, we weren't upset about this fact... we just didn't really have a lot of friends... And in my mind, our house and our lives were never clean and tidy enough to even remotely consider inviting someone over.

And then something happened... we experienced a tragedy and we hit rock bottom.  As we sat drowning in that deep dark pit, God sent a few people our direction.  Bless their hearts, they jumped down and joined us in our darkness, and extended a hand of friendship and support.

After years and years of being just fine being alone and not quite knowing how to respond - we finally extended out our hands in return and let them slowly start pulling us up, and out, and back into the sunlight of God's grace and healing.  It was honestly something we had never experienced or imagined.  It was absolutely life transformational.

In all those fresh friendships and growing relationships, I slowly started allowing others in.  I soon started to discover the joy that was just waiting for me on the other side of that great big wall I had built around me and had so valiantly protected all those years.

It started on the corners and docks of the campground at the lake, and soon moved to the decks, picnic tables, and fire pits of our camper homes.  We were loved, we were accepted just as we were, and we were allowed to grieve, heal, and grow.  And then camping season was over, and I found the same spirit snuck home with us and joined us in our living room.

The spirit of community came to reside deep in the living room of my heart.

I stopped worrying about hiding the mess of my life inside the mess of my house, and started trying to really see, touch on, speak into, walk well beside others, while allowing them to also witness, walk, and step inside my mess.

Our house is not perfect, our house is not clean... it is where we live, and love, and experience our life, and Lord knows that is all far from perfect.  But it is now also where we have opened the doors to both the living room of our home and the living room of our hearts, and started safely and warmly welcoming others in.

I have discovered the gift of intentionality and vulnerability, and I've mixed that with a good cup of coffee and an open invitation to many people recently.  I have found myself nestled in my comfy chair, in front of our new amazing fireplace, being blessed and encouraged to talk and walk deeper and closer with many old and new friends.  The stories, the honesty, the revelations, the questions, the epiphanies, the love, the tears I've shared recently have also made me feel so loved in return.

I pray I have become a safe, warm, inviting place to come say hello, process, sort, laugh, cry, be real, be vulnerable, be seen, be heard, be encouraged.

I've gotten to talk about our loss, our journey, my faith, our adoption, my divorce and our life as a blended family.  I've gotten to be open about my eating disorder, my health and exercise, my running and weight loss journey.  I am loving, listening, encouraging... and I am receiving it all back to myself tenfold, if not more.

Oh what a glorious gift community and hospitality can be!

At times it's hard and scary to choose to be open and honest, trusting the path and people God has woven and waiting for you. We need others and others need us.  It's such a powerful and basic life principal. Friendships and mentoring opportunities take time, take investment, take emotional fortitude, and sometimes take great risk.  I've chosen to just be open, honest, real, and all out there. I fully trust those conversations and relationships will not come back to hurt me.  I've also come to realize some people may only come and stay for a season, while some may come and stay for the rest of our lifetimes.  Each and every one a part of a much larger picture and connection, both within my life and within theirs.

I am blown away over and over again by how incredible it feels knowing God is at work in the midst of all our trials and pains and "junk"... He is also so clearly at work amid all the joys, and celebrations, and achievements.  It's in this crazy medley of highs and lows, goods and bads, mixed throughout all those closet to us, and all those watching us, and listening to us, and praying for us that confirm time and again that we are not alone.  We were not created to be alone.  God did not create us to put up walls and bitter barriers.  He created us to live in community. To live, to laugh, to love.  To heal, to forgive, to glorify.

My house was not created to be clean and orderly, and neither was my life. But it is my hope that in that mess and crazy chaotic disarray that I will continue to invite others in and invest in both them and myself through coffee, connection, conversation, and a commitment to trust that God will keep crossing the paths and journeys of all of us.  I don't question a connection, I just try embrace it.  When I hear the whisper of a name, when I randomly think about someone, I know that isn't random at all.  That is God weaving His magic.  I'm simply trying to learn to respond quicker and question less.

I am learning that I have no idea what everyone else is going through in their lives and in their journeys. We are all filled with hurts, trials, and troubles.  It is my prayer that all of us might be ever watchful and open to the moments and possibilities and people around us.

May we listen well and love even better. May we embrace our hot messes and figure out how to sparkle and shine and grow and encourage ourselves and others.  May we figure out the fine line of finesse as we dance within boundaries and relationships. May we all strive to give more and expect less in return, for I have learned it's exactly in those moments that I have received the most and greatest gifts back in return.

May the living rooms in all of our hearts be full.  May they be warm, welcoming, and always filled with a robust joy overflowing.

{click HERE for my next blog, "When You're Not Enough"} 
{Click HERE for my previous blog, "Cleaning Our Junk Drawers"}