I have spent my entire life a big, fat, hot mess. My life has been messy, and complicated, and loud, and complex since the day I came out of the womb... I had colic, I didn't sleep well, I'm pretty sure I was high maintenance, and I'm pretty sure I've been high maintenance ever since... Had I grown up in today's society I would have all sorts of multi-letter diagnoses coloring my medical and school records...
I'm one of those left handed, right brained, fairly eccentric, deep thinking, artsie-fartsie types. I also borderline on control freak when it comes to overseeing, organization, and perfection issues, which are two extremes not always associated together, leaving the two halves of my brain at continual war against each other. I have ink and piercings in various locations. I over analyze and over think everything. I feel with every single cell in my body. I've often said that I just didn't quite belong, that I just didn't quite get it, that I just didn't really fit in. I was under the assumption the world could only handle small doses of me at once... which left me a little lost, hiding, holding back through the majority of my time.
I have spent forty-two years trying to figure it out, straighten it out, hide it, stuff it, ignore it, correct it, change it, fix it... and by "it" I mean every thing that encompasses every aspect and asset of my life. It's been exhausting. I've spent forty-two years trying to control, predict, juggle, perfect, and hide.
But, you know what, I think I have figured out a tiny little secret the last little while... Lean in close, and I'll quietly whisper it to you... We are ALL big, fat, hot messes. I'll say that a little louder - we are ALL big, fat, hot messes. No one has their shit together, their poop in a group, their ducks in a row. Nope ~ I think we are all faking it till we make it, hiding it, holding it in, sucking it up (and sucking it in), and living every single day in the fear of being found out and exposed.
And we're all convinced we're the only ones... We're the only ones living this big, fat, hot mess of a life.
Why?? Why do we do this?? Why is it so hard to embrace the mess, to live in the here and now of absolute truth and reality?? We're all trying to quietly stuff the imperfect far away, wrap up the mess with fancy paper and a big bow and show up to life's party like nothing is wrong. But underneath, inside, all around, no matter how we dress it or address it... it's still all a big, fat, hot mess. I'm doing it - you're doing it... we're all doing it, but why??
Why isn't it ok to just not be ok? This is who I am, all of me, take it or leave it.
But here's a little something of what I've been discovering about my own self on this little Journey To Faith that I have been on... God shows up in the messy... and God works wonders in the real... not just little fits and spurts... I'm talking big, huge, fireworks type showing up.
One of my favorite quotes is "Only God can turn a mess into a message, a test into a testimony, a trial into triumph, a victim into victory." If we let him, He will do his greatest work in and through the greatest messes of our lives. I am absolutely convinced of this. It's just so hard to let our walls down and allow Him, and others in. It's hard to hand over the control we so desperately long for.
It's hard to admit we hurt, we need help, we are lost, we are broken, we are lonely, we are messy. Accepting and embracing our weakness is not admitting defeat, it's actually accenting our strength. It is humbly standing before God and asking Him the hard questions. Where are you God? Do you not see me? Do you not want to bless and help me? This ultimately allows Him to move us closer and deeper into relationship with Him. Authorizing Him to be the One in control, letting Him be the hands fiercely holding our feet firmly upon His rock, so the waves of life don't wash us away from His firm foundation.
We don't have to have it all together to be together. We don't have to hide and lie and cover up and think we surely must be the only one who is failing at life, lacking in love, and sinking in our own sin and shame and sadness.
And I am finding it is utterly freeing, absolute life transforming to just be real... honest... authentic... weak... brave.
It's time to be big, bold, and beautiful. It's time to just be brave and embrace the mess. It's time to be real, and honest and understanding. Love yourself, love others, and stop the comparisons. We were all born with amazing gifts and talents. Let's all stop stumbling over all the baggage we're trying to cover up and hide. Just grab the handle and open it all up, dig it out, wash it up, boldly put it out there for all to see. Live it, learn from it, embrace it.
And let God show up and do His magic. He has a plan, He has a purpose for your mess and my mess. We may never fully know or see the extent of His weaving... but we can be assured He is right there with us, and He is ready to show up, along with so many others. None of us want to journey this mess alone... we all long for someone to carry us, to walk beside us, to support us, to love us unconditionally. Allow God in, and allow others in. Open the door to the real mess carefully hidden inside. Let's welcome each other in. Let's listen to each other, let's be real with each other... and I'm fairly confident we'll all discover we are not alone... we are not the only big, fat, hot mess traveling blindly through life.
Let's embrace this journey called life together. Let's watch the fireworks in each others lives together as God shows up in big ways, to work big magic, in our big messes.
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Amen sister!! I totally agree!!
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