That being said, I have also had completing a half marathon on my bucket list for the past five years. What kind of demented person am I?!? Three years ago I seriously trained for eight months, and never ended up running one. I got to the 9-10 mile days in my training and I just struggled getting those long runs in, so I let myself just quit. #failure #quitter. Two years ago I was sick and entirely unable to do much of anything. Last year I had some feet issues and somehow let myself gain over 30 pounds and talked myself out of doing any kind of exercising at all the first nine months of the year.
I'm one of those "perfectionist" people, and that complex carries through in nearly all aspects of my life, including running. I'm also an overachiever and have somehow always carried in my mind the thought that when it comes to running, walking equals failure on some odd illogical level. If I'm race training, then that means I felt the need to be running every minute of every mile I put in, and I needed to run every day that I exercised, and if I couldn't achieve that level every single day, then I had failed (and let me clarify race "training" merely means - trying to get enough endurance to "complete" a 5K or a 10K that I had talked myself into thinking I should do, it's NEVER about "winning" anything - it's merely "completing"). I am not even sure where this demented disillusion even came from... but I have found it deeply ingrained in my psyche.
I was always striving for faster and farther, ultimately to burn the most amount of calories in the least amount of time. I believe that is actually the true reason behind my initial quest to start running. Calories, weight loss, control. I first started running about 18 years ago, and I started running plain and simply to burn more calories. It was something I hated and I was not good at. It played mind games with me... And it turned into a game of control for me, it was about winning and losing of mind over matter, and I never won... and yet I kept on going back out again, day after day, hoping for some kind of different outcome, which I never got. I'm not a strong or poised runner, it's not natural, and I let it continue to feed into my view of my own personal failure.
For me running used to be seasonal - I don't run outside until is 56 or warmer, with no wind (good luck with that in spring in Iowa...). Three years ago we got a treadmill to help my husband with his recovery process after back surgery. Let's just say, he's been on the treadmill less than 5 total times since then... I on the other hand, started to use it all the time, and that was the first winter I seriously started my race training on a larger more serious scale. And I also began the battle of trying to also win on the "dreadmill"... and again, I would watch the seconds slowly tick by, the miles tick even slower... and over and over I would get off feeling defeated.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we beat ourselves up and convince ourselves we are not good enough because we feel we can only define ourselves "successful" if, and when, we reach some entirely unattainable goal(s) or dream(s) for ourselves?
Running on the treadmill is crazy hard for me. I just can't will myself to be able to go long distances without stopping and having to walk. I would get off every time feeling like a failure, and then the next morning I think about how I'm going to fail before I even got on it, and will start talking myself out of not even exercising at all... Then I would feel guilty a few days or weeks later and manage to get myself back on... only to not be able to go long distances yet again... and the cycle would continue over and over.
But this year I have finally embraced the reality and practice of intervals. And it honestly has transformed my mind and my body's ability to perform and find an almost fulfilling achievement. I'm not quite sure why it has taken me this long to finally come to terms with it and just accept it for what it is. Healthy. It's just a basic and attainable goal to help reach overall health. It's not about the number of miles, or the number of calories.
For me, treadmill intervals are a mix of short spurts of inclined power walking with slightly declined running - and I go back and forth between the two throughout my entire workout. I mix it up by the day. Sometimes it's split by a set number of minutes, sometimes it's split by a set number of miles. I have stopped gauging my success or failure on the ability, or lack there of, of being able to go an entire workout running without stopping at a set and steady pace. It will be interesting what will happen this year after I transition outside, as I am usually able to better push myself outside into running longer distances without stopping... and even more interesting what will happen once camping season is back in full swing. I have great hopes of continuing my current exercise schedule, but I remember how quickly I was able to talk myself into doing absolutely nothing at all last summer when it came to diet and exercise personal accountability... and I'm praying that doesn't repeat this year. But... running on bad gravel roads, seriously ~ in the middle of nowhere, with zero cell coverage for music or running apps... leaves me shaking my head... The lake is great, for everything except running. But I have been surprising myself over and over this year... so who knows...
But for now I've shifted my daily "fail" or "win" mentality by merely whether I exercised that day or not, period. Not how long, not how far - just that it was done. And I intentionally don't even make myself exercise every single day, I allow Sabbath for my body.
For all you real runners and real athletes out there, I'm sure you are rolling your eyes and thinking how this basic life and training principle is not rocket science... But for those of us who aren't athletic, who are perfectionists, and who aren't natural runners, it really is. It's been utterly transformational. When it doesn't come naturally, when it isn't enjoyable, when it isn't easy and fluid, when your mind requires perfection over performance - it totally becomes a battle of will over ability.
Some days my mind triumphs, some days my body trumps. But by allowing myself the success of allowed intervals I'm allowing a #winwin in both my mind and my body. They are finally starting to work together as one, rather than against each other as two rivaling forces. It has changed the trajectory of my mind to that of simply feeling successful rather that always always, always beating myself up in defeat and failure.
I've intentionally been working hard the last six months to make myself stop judging my worth and my performance ultimately by the number of miles I was able to run at one time. Ultimately it's just about moving more ~ moving more and eating less. The basic basics of all healthy living.
And all great accomplishments take time. One day at a time... one mile at a time. I'm not a failure if I walk. I'm not a failure if I never complete a 13.1 mile half marathon.
I am not a failure if I am not perfect...
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