That same day was also the eve of my sons ninth birthday. Another women gave birth to my son, and she chose me to be his mama. The reality of this always makes me more than a little emotional on multiple levels. Someone chose me to be what they could not, to one of the most dear things in their life. I have always viewed the gift and responsibility of this reality to be enormous. I have some mighty big shoes to fill.
As I sat in that sacred sanctuary that morning, looking around at those in attendance, watching the grief and joy and emotions of family and friends as we listened to stories, sang, and reflected as we celebrated her dear life and love of all things and people, I couldn't help but find myself wondering and thinking about my own funeral someday.
I wondered if I will be young - unexpectedly sleeping after a day of busy, or if I'll be old - quietly napping after a life expired and full. I wondered if I'll have already said goodbye to my dear husband, or if he will be the one sitting without me in the front row of that service. Will my death be unexpected and quick, or will it be a long journey of suffering, the end a blessing?
I framed this pondering and these questions not through a lens if self centeredness, self gossip-y-ness "oh I wonder what people really think about me and who would really come..." No, I sat there with the questions: Who would be there ~ who has my life significantly touched? What songs would they sing? What life verse would they have on my memorial slide? What words would be comprised together for my obituary, the final few words left to summarize the entirety of my life? What would people say about me and my character and the life I lived while here on earth?
With an ultimate question - Is my life making a difference to others? Is my life making a difference in the Kingdom work? Am I truly living a life right now that is reflective of the person I was created to really be? Am I living a life right now that is leaving a mark, leaving a legacy that will live far beyond me after I'm gone?
I know I've thought about this a lot throughout the past two years, and I've even written about it before HERE ~ "The Responsibility of Legacy." But as I sat there, I was again drawn to the desire to continue to aspire to live the life I'm supposed to be living. Births and deaths have a way of doing that... of creating a stopping point, a check point.
Life is not about achieving perfection and completion. Life is about the journey, the messy paths interlaced with those around us... those who we see and rub shoulders with both every day, as well as those we touch just occasionally, and even some whom we will have never met or have even known. It's about what we say, what we do, and what choices we make every day that affect the person we are to ourselves, and the person we are to those around us.
The people that each and every one of us effect throughout our lifetimes is a vast and humbling number. We have no idea the wake and ripple our lives make on the lives of those in the world around us. We hold the power to live and love well, and we also hold the power to hurt and destroy just as easily. Our words, our deeds, our decisions, our actions, our reactions, ultimately define the wholeness of who we really are through the eyes and in the hearts of all those around us.
Many times I don't think we take the time to really grasp that full reality. We don't want to take the time to ask those big, burning questions. Those silent reflections between ourselves and God, asking if we are doing what we are supposed to be doing, if we are living with the integrity and character in the manner He created us to be. We live in fear of what we might hear. We live in fear of hearing that whisper of requested and required change.
Many of us live in fear of death, but many may also live in an unrecognized fear of life, of authentic living. It's often easier to set life on auto pilot and not feel, not deal, not come to grips with the reality and work sometimes required of us to become better, to excel, to live into our plan and greater purpose. We are all carrying around so much junk, so much baggage. We hang on so tightly to things that just hold us back and drag us down, and continually knock others over in our wake.
God did not intend for us to live saddled and yolked. He did not create us to live in fear, to live less than, to live heavy and burdened.
There is a great art in learning to live and travel lightly. I am not there, far far from there... but I have had a taste, felt the deep breath of a few lifted burdens, the joy of embracing unbridled passions and dreams. It's often hard, it's usually scary, it almost always hurts.
Seeing clearly the we's who we truly are from the inside out, rather than from the world's outside in, is a hard road to cross lanes into. Choosing to live with integrity and intentionality is a much harder life than one of self indulgence and denial. To chose to live within a legacy of love and greatness is one we have to choose to live every single morning, one we have to die to every single night at the end of the day.
I so want to hear those whispered words "Well done my good and faithful servant" at the end of my days here on earth. I so want the deeds and actions of my life today to live on far beyond my life, my legacy that I leave to be rich and full and authentic and real. May my wake and ripple reach far beyond my wildest imagination.
May each of my days continue to grow and glorify and draw me one step closer to eternity and to the arms of Jesus, and to my precious little Faith MaryJo. Oh I long for the day to finally hold her, have her there beside me forever, and I cannot wait to hear and see the full story unfolded and revealed to me of her reason, her purpose, and her legacy.
Oh may I continued to be blessed with a life today where I am able to continue to be a blessing to those tomorrow.
{ next blog post "Extravagant Blessings" HERE }
{ previous blog post "In The Blink Of An Eye" HERE }
{ blog post "Responsibility of Legacy" HERE }
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