Now as an adult I find myself a very selfish person inside if I'm honest, always wanting something more, something newer, something greater, something bigger, something better, just something else... but in that desire is always a tension of awareness of need justification.
I am fully aware of the great blessing of life that I have. I am healthy. My family is healthy. I live in the freedom of America, I get to go to work at an amazing church every day. I was born into middle class affluence and I have a family lineage of strong Christian leaders behind me, who have paved a path to success for me. I have parents that love and support me, I have an education, I have a hard working husband who provides and loves me well, I have a house, reliable transportation, my children are getting a good education and have never been without. #extravagantblessings
And yet outside all of that... I still want more. I still want bigger and better. And I never quite know how to sit well in that valley of my life, that middle ground between Need vs Want. Others vs Myself.
This morning I woke up early, saw the cold rain outside and headed downstairs to exercise. I found myself so grateful for the gift and opportunity to have both a treadmill and an elliptical. I use them nearly every day, and while yes, I do have a love / hate relationship with them, if I'm honest I would admit a million times a day I love them much more than I hate them. I am able to choose myself and my health and chose to make my life and my body stronger without leaving my house. #extravagantblessings
After my run I came up and took a bath in my fancy jet tub. Truth be told, I only recently let myself start using it - for over fifteen years I lived in this house and used it less than five times. There are people all over the world who do not have clean drinking water, and I could not justify filling that bathtub with water. I filled it with Christmas presents every year, but never with water. But recently I've been half marathon training, and one night I allowed myself to indulge... and I admit... I am hooked. #extravagantblessings
After a long, cold winter we finally got to go to the campground yesterday and opened up our camper to get ready for the new season. Last fall after much debate, my husband and I allowed ourselves to make a family and life investment, and we upgraded to a new camper far beyond anything we needed. It's honestly one of the greatest things we own, I am so honored and proud and excited to get to call it home and create life and memories in it... And yet, we basically didn't even dare tell anyone about this one thing we are most proud of owning, because of it's great extravagance. #extravagantblessings
And when I got home from the lake yesterday, there was a package in the mail for me. After over three years of talking about it daily, I finally gave in and ordered a laptop for myself. I love to write, I love to take photos and process and organize and order them. I also love the concept of taking notes at meetings and the freedom of work on the go that a laptop can offer. I had actually first ordered an older model, used, and for a forth of the price. It came... and it would not even load when I turned it on, it had a corrupt harddrive. I was so disappointed and it was back in the mail to the seller the following morning.
But I had officially touched one... a fancy, beautiful laptop... and I allowed myself yet again to talk myself into the justification, and I ordered another laptop. Skip the used, skip the cheap, skip the refurbished. I ordered brand new, factory sealed, and it came in two days. I plugged it in and turned it on, and within minutes I was all set up and ready to write. #extravagantblessings
So where am I going with all this you ask... To be honest, I'm not even sure. I just found myself this morning after a five mile run, sitting in the quiet of my house, listening the furnace running and the cold rain outside, my puppy curled up next to me while the rest of my family slept. I sat in a place of utter gratefulness to all that I have. And I found myself trying to fight off those feelings of needing to feel shame and hide, and the overwhelm of it about made me just weep.
I have it so so so good... and yet I so often hear the story in my mind telling me my life is so so bad. I hear the lies telling me that I am a failure for all that I don't have and all that I haven't done. I hear the whispering of comparison saying I'm not good enough because I don't have enough, I haven't done enough, I'm not worthy enough. I hear the hiss of satan breathing earthly desires into my heart which leave me fighting for clarity in the ever swinging pendulum between needs and wants.
Balancing it all is so hard for me. How do you live well, love well, love yourself, love your family, love others in the most tangible way within the realm of God's Heavenly kingdom call and earth's sensual earthly desires?? It's a balance, a very very thin and precious fine line we need to so carefully tread upon. Some days my steps are sure and steady, and some days I trip and stumble and fall far from the path clearly set in front of me.
Yes, I own and have many many things I do not need, things I could do without, things I could give away. Some of them are justified purchases, many are not. I am fully aware of the failings and fallings of my sinful self. But I do love that God has placed this great seed of awareness within me, a little road bump to slow me down to ask and consider before leaping.
He does not want us to live in need, but he also does not want us to live a life of indulgence while ignoring the broader vision of need in the houses, blocks, towns, cities, countries all around us.
I am beyond extravagantly blessed in my life right now, and I am grateful, and I am humble, and I am appreciative. It is my prayer that I will continue to know and acknowledge these great gifts I have been given, and be ever mindful with eyes and ears open to people, places, and things around me in which I can also pour my own personal extravagant blessings into.
It is my continual prayer that my own desires and wants not blind me from the needs of so many around me. May my heart grow with a desire to extravagantly give away and bless others in the same manner, the same desire as I want to extravagantly give and bless myself. I think if we all tried to wrestle through this very concept of extravagant giving in each of our lives, there would be an amazing opportunity to extravagantly bless millions, which I have personally found, will absolutely extravagantly bless ourselves in return tenfold.
#extravagantblessings #extravagantgiving
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