Today I logged my first double digit mile workout (that wasn't on a bike).
I got up early and made it ten lone, long miles. I even had a little sweat (I don’t usually sweat... like at all... yea, I'm weird I know...)
I was scheduled to have reached this “milestone” last week in my half marathon training... but I was dealing with a sprained tendon from a nine mile workout the previous week. I also ran in the End It for Autumn 5k Color Run.
So that ten mile run never happen.
I spent most of the week last week thinking about how the last time I had seriously trained for a half marathon (three years ago)... I got to this exact part of my training... the 9-10 mile mark... and it was really hard... and I quit. Muscles, feet, hips, knees got sore, my determination and willpower got deflated, and I quit.
I sat all week nursing and doctoring a sore foot, trying to talk myself into quitting again. I am not a runner, and for me this is so hard mentally and physically, not to mention the amount of time and willpower needed to devote to diet and exercise every week. Hours that I'm trying to be sure to create and protect, hours I'm trying to not feel guilty about devoting to myself.
Several people rallied behind me and enforced the fact that I cannot quit this time.
I was able to run the Autumn Race on Saturday. I felt great and it went great. I blew my past 5K time out of the water in fact... I continued lightly onward with my training this week and laid in bed last night wresting with myself over what time to get up in the morning, what day to attempt to do my long workout this weekend, and if I was going to try run inside or outside (I'm crazy particular about time and weather conditions when I run outside, and with my current job schedule, I haven't had many outdoor running opportunities yet this spring)... I also tried talking myself into hanging on to my injury "free pass" a little longer and just skip it all together... This I knew would put me a few steps closer to that low and hovering quitting line.
Eight miles. Eight miles was my scheduled long run for this week. I had successfully completed this distance a few weeks early. I knew I could do eight miles, maybe I didn't need to quit just yet...
I decided finally to just try do it in the morning, and to just do it on the elliptical. If it didn't happen the next morning, I still would have two more days to attempt it again.
I got up and everything felt strong and pain free, and I was able to somehow talk myself into going longer than I had planned when I had climbed on and got started. Ten miles. I successfully completed ten miles.
As I finished I felt an odd sense of accomplishment instantly mixed with a heaping dose of “cheaters” guilt over having done it on an elliptical, and not on a treadmill. (In my mind I apparently consider that "cheating" for some reason.)
“Ok self, so how many other people got up at 4am and logged ten miles on anything before a full 12+ hour day of work, juggling two jobs? Probably not many, and why does it matter anyway?!? Call yourself a cheater, whatever ~ you still got up and did something at least!!”
I also had this odd feeling that I shouldn't tell anyone about this small success.
“Ok self, people don't really care, don't really need to know, and are not interested in your small personal victories. Sharing this success would just be sound braggy and turn people off, and I would die if they knew how long it took me - how slow I am... Ok I get that... but what about those who are also out there doing the hard work - how will they know they're not alone in their fight for fitness and goal achievements? What about the people who need the nudge and encouragement that they can do anything they want and the time to stand up and start is right now? Why is this supposed to be a silent victory and not a sharing victory? And self, don’t forget, if you do share this - then surely what will people think next week when you do quit, or when in three months you’ve gained thirty pounds back and are a weight loss failure again?”
But I also couldn't get over this nearly overwhelming swell of gratitude that kept bubbling up in me at that moment. Not gratitude in my actual accomplishment, but gratitude in being at a place in life right now to be able to even consider setting and achieving some of these small goals in life.
I am alive, I am healthy right now. My family is alive and are healthy right now. There isn’t anything (except myself) that is currently keeping me from being able to set out to try achieve and try be successful right now. God has granted me and my family a Season of Blessed right now, and I am fully aware of it. This has not always been the case in my life, and I am so grateful right now. In fact, there was a time only a few short months back that I honestly thought I would never even be able to run again. This reality is humbling and sobering to me.
I am fully aware life can change in the blink of an eye, and I continue to wrestle the guilt of this gratitude away so I can fully grasp and hang on to this gift, this season, while I can, right now.
I continue to be blessed to wake up every morning. It is my choice what I do with my time and my days. It is my choice what attitude I put on and what outlook I take. It is my choice what to write on the lines of my bucket list and the pages of my to-do lists. It is my choice what I do to start working towards achieving and crossing those off in completion.
Today, in this season right now, I choose to celebrate my current health and I choose to try continue forward in my training. I choose to try continue forward being a non-running runner, and giving God the glory and gratitude in every footstep that He allows me to accomplish. Whether those miles are logged on a road outside, on a treadmill in the basement, or my "cheaters" elliptical pristinely parked next to that treadmill in my basement - I will count each mile as the grand gift that they truly are.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know if I'll actually be able to start and finish an actual half marathon event this year, or ever in my life for that matter… Yet I have been given this strange dream and desire to push towards this crazy current goal of mine (have I ever mentioned I’m not a runner??). I honestly don't fully understand it, but I guess that is exactly how the humor of God has always worked in my life.
So I will smile (and probably moan and groan a little), I will continue to set my alarm and lace up my shoes.... I will continue onward, and just trust whatever opportunities and reasons are involved in this current crazy journey of mine. {wink}
#joyinjesus #christinthechaos #runlikethewindbullseye
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