I wasn't thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, social enough, athletic enough, fast enough. I didn't earn enough, work enough, rest enough, balance the chaos enough. I didn't read the Bible, pray, go to church, volunteer enough. I wasn't talented enough and surely my house was never clean enough.
I wasn't mom enough, wife enough, daughter enough, friend enough. I didn't eat healthy enough, sleep enough, exercise enough, play with my kids enough. I didn’t love my husband enough, I wasn't fertile enough, I wasn’t friendly enough, and I didn't give to others enough.
I have spent my whole life striving for this unattainable bar of perfection. I have strived endlessly attempting to simple be enough, but I never was.
I did not love me, myself, and I enough.
And that, right there, I think is the key to all of my other "not enough's". If we don't allow ourselves to actually (and fully) love ourselves, we will never be able to grow, and change, and flourish into being allowed (and able) to be enough for anyone else, or in any other aspect or avenue of our lives.
The simple reality is - I AM not enough, and I never will be.
I am who I am, and that has to, at some point, just be good enough, and acceptable enough, to both myself and to the world at large around me. God created me, specifically, as a special child of God, His beloved daughter - He designed and created me with all my little quirks and filled the DNA of my soul with many gifts and talents. There is no other me anywhere in the whole wide world. Why couldn’t… isn’t… wouldn’t.. that be enough to make me “enough”?
I'm starting to learn that figuring out the trickiness of unselfish love of ourselves is the grand tether to everything else in and around us. It is the instigation, the integration, and the acceptance of our imperfections, flaws, limitations, and failures. It’s what keeps us connected to God, and to others, and allows us to be infinitely attached and drawn tighter, closer in, with each cycling revolution of our journeys.
I have to continue to learn how to strive towards, how to embrace my "not enough’s" and make them be "enough." I need to step out in confidence, that I don't need to continue to be weighed down by my probably made up, not even real perceptions of the worlds "I'm not enough" that I have fabricated in my crazy little mind of mine. I have allowed all my fears and doubts to create issues, and problems, and realities within me that aren't even real, or at least not real on the scale in which I have blown them up to be.
No, I am not enough, and that is ok, because I was never created to be enough.
It's in all my “not enough” - that is exactly where God has called me to find and create my fullness and my greatness. He has equipped me with strength, and determination, perseverance, and ultimate success and greatness in my "not enough".
If I had always been enough, I would have never needed God, and wouldn’t continue to need Him every day, every hour, every minute of my life. I would have never suffered, pushed, failed, hurt, wept, mourned, grown, questioned, been disappointed, persevered, overcome… In all those very trials and weaknesses, that is where we break and bleed and need to drag ourselves over and over back to the cross and lay at the feet of Jesus, tired and broken and utterly lost.
In that brokenness, in that open gaping hole in our hearts, in all that “not enough-ness” is the exact spot where God seeps in and fills us with the salve and the magic to heal and move us towards something better, often something far greater than we could have ever dreamed or imagined for ourselves.
He is our enough in our not enough. And we need to let Him be our "enough." As much as we don’t want to admit it or want it to be the reality, we are not enough because we are not in control, we are not perfect, we are not without sin, we can not do life alone. And I think my friends, that that is enough. That simple truth, filled with all its glory, and grace, and forgiveness, and freedom is what needs to be our enough.
The simple reality is - I AM not enough, and I never will be.
I am who I am, and that has to, at some point, just be good enough, and acceptable enough, to both myself and to the world at large around me. God created me, specifically, as a special child of God, His beloved daughter - He designed and created me with all my little quirks and filled the DNA of my soul with many gifts and talents. There is no other me anywhere in the whole wide world. Why couldn’t… isn’t… wouldn’t.. that be enough to make me “enough”?
I'm starting to learn that figuring out the trickiness of unselfish love of ourselves is the grand tether to everything else in and around us. It is the instigation, the integration, and the acceptance of our imperfections, flaws, limitations, and failures. It’s what keeps us connected to God, and to others, and allows us to be infinitely attached and drawn tighter, closer in, with each cycling revolution of our journeys.
I have to continue to learn how to strive towards, how to embrace my "not enough’s" and make them be "enough." I need to step out in confidence, that I don't need to continue to be weighed down by my probably made up, not even real perceptions of the worlds "I'm not enough" that I have fabricated in my crazy little mind of mine. I have allowed all my fears and doubts to create issues, and problems, and realities within me that aren't even real, or at least not real on the scale in which I have blown them up to be.
No, I am not enough, and that is ok, because I was never created to be enough.
It's in all my “not enough” - that is exactly where God has called me to find and create my fullness and my greatness. He has equipped me with strength, and determination, perseverance, and ultimate success and greatness in my "not enough".
If I had always been enough, I would have never needed God, and wouldn’t continue to need Him every day, every hour, every minute of my life. I would have never suffered, pushed, failed, hurt, wept, mourned, grown, questioned, been disappointed, persevered, overcome… In all those very trials and weaknesses, that is where we break and bleed and need to drag ourselves over and over back to the cross and lay at the feet of Jesus, tired and broken and utterly lost.
In that brokenness, in that open gaping hole in our hearts, in all that “not enough-ness” is the exact spot where God seeps in and fills us with the salve and the magic to heal and move us towards something better, often something far greater than we could have ever dreamed or imagined for ourselves.
He is our enough in our not enough. And we need to let Him be our "enough." As much as we don’t want to admit it or want it to be the reality, we are not enough because we are not in control, we are not perfect, we are not without sin, we can not do life alone. And I think my friends, that that is enough. That simple truth, filled with all its glory, and grace, and forgiveness, and freedom is what needs to be our enough.
May all of our “not enough’s” stop being the things that continue to blind us, bind us, bring us down, hurt us, hold us back. May all our “not enough’s” actually be the forward pathways to help us along our journeys to find, become, know, and succeed. Through Christ we actually can, and will finally and fully be enough in all our “not enough’s”.
I’ve come to realize this is not an easy and instant fix. It’s not an easy and instant mind change. It’s hard, really hard, and it’s all part of our process, our grand journey through that magic dash between the dates of our birth and the dates of our death. We need to wake up every morning decide it’s ok to love ourselves. We get to wake up every morning decide it’s ok to love ourselves, because God created us, and has allowed us to. We just have to figure out the balance of give and take, and guilt, and submission, amid all the internal and external facts, realities, myths, and mysteries.
Let's all try love ourselves, love others, and decide to just be enough, in all of our "not enough’s".
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{ previous post "The Living Room of My Heart"}
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