Weight

So, can I talk honestly about weight? Can I go there? I’m convinced nearly all of us struggle with this issue. I know I do, and I’m learning that with nearly everything I struggle with, there is a long row of others behind me dealing with something similar.

All my life I’ve battled the scale, and all my life I’ve been in a losing battle with that number. I’ve dealt with the effects of an eating disorder since I was in middle school. (Nope – I’ve never been a “binger and purger” in case you’re wondering and wanting to maybe gossip about this little tidbit of information…) I’m a “controller” and I once thought the greatest control one can have is not eating anything at all. This has left me to battle every single morsel of food that I've put in my mouth for the last thirty years.

The scale number in my mind that I think is my “ideal weight” is for the most part, entirely unattainable. I’ve been at this target number for probably a grand total of 9 total days of my life. I will reach the goal and by the next day I will already be unable to maintain it, and will spend every following day wishing I was able to get back to that weight. Apparently my physical body has a much different point of view on the matter of my ideal weight than my mind does.

My weight has always rollercoastered over a 20-30 pound fluctuation. I have two entire wardrobes of clothes for both ends of the spectrum. I’m hovering into having to move into a third… which would move my current “fat clothes” into a sad “middle” area, replaced by an even “fatter” “fat clothes”. I said I would never buy bigger clothes… but we all know the reality that buying a few new pairs of pants is much quicker and easier than trying to get back into the ones we currently own.

You all get this don’t you?! Please tell me this isn’t just me…

I was recently sick for a long period of time, and it took its toll on me physically, with an actually positive side effect of unexpected weight loss (notice I did not include the words “unwanted weight loss”! Personally I think any weight loss that is out of my control is glorious!) It took my body about fifteen months to slowly heal and get back to its former “healthy,” and as the months of this summer passed, sadly the pounds have slowly settled back on. I tried to not see them, and I haven’t actually gotten back on the scale to know the true breadth of its reality (oh how I hate that cold, white thing covered in bathroom dust over in the corner) But as someone once said to me, “Oh course we know we’ve gained weight, we are the ones wearing it!” Yes, I am surly the one wearing it… the return of the cellulite and pudge has again hidden all the tone and trim of thirty pounds ago. Sigh.

I swore I would not let this happen again.

I’ve crossed over that line of youth and am now in my forties… I have a hormone deficiency and I’ve been taking shots, oral meds, and oils for years to try and trick my body into thinking it’s “normal” (which it’s anything but normal and properly functioning)… I’m busy working two jobs (one of which is a cake decorating business for cry’n out loud!) and I’m eyebrow deep in raising my family… I’m kind of genetically doomed for being overweight (sorry mom)… And this summer I developed an issue with my feet ~ bunions. Yes, I am dealing with some crazy sore old lady feet issues that have left me unable to wear anything but flip flops this summer. And we all know we just can’t run or do any kind of exercise with sore feet. I’ve allowed it to become my greatest excuse for lazy.

And then there’s eating healthy, I’m not even going to go there… Healthy is just hard. Healthy is a crazy personally unattainable goal of proper rest, diet, and exercise. I’ve again fallen into this really bad mindset that if I can’t attain perfection in these three areas by tomorrow (ok, maybe by next week), that I’m just not even going to try. I’m not even going to worry about improvement, or doing them “better” than I did yesterday.

I’ve tried to justify and convince myself “this is who I am and that’s ok.”
But it’s really not ok, and I think we all know this truth as well.

I really don’t want to be this heavy and this out of shape, but I haven’t been able to find the energy to take on trying to change it. I don’t want to get all crazy and become a gym guru, I don’t want to start some crazy diet plan that will only set me up for failure and cost a small fortune. How many times haven’t I looked at a diet plan and thought, oh I could do that – and I would probably feel better and lose some weight. And then I think about myself when I am dieting hard core… I’m edgy and I’m basically really hard to live with, I often get obsessive and slightly mental. Yes, I could probably give up sugar, flour, gluten, chocolate, AND caffeine for 30 days… but frankly, I really don’t want to. I happen to really really like coffee, chocolate, and carbs.

The amount of work it takes to give up and tone up is often more than what I’m willing or able to sacrifice for my sanity and time availability. Does anyone besides myself really care how much space in this world I am taking up? Despite what tv is flashing at us at with every channel change, I highly doubt anyone really personally cares all that much about my weight beyond myself.

Yes, my doctor wants me to be healthy. Yes, society at large wants me to buy in to fad diet plans, pink drinks, gym memberships, and the purchasing of tight fitting yoga pants and active wear. And yes, my husband would probably like me to be thinner ~ but I’m also pretty sure he does not want to have to live through the cranky mood swings I’m going to experience and explode upon him during another journey to get there.

So, what do I do with this reality? How do I convince myself it’s time to get a little more healthy and that the battle with be worth it? How do I just get back to what I was before?

Ten pounds… how do we start with a simple, yet ginormous goal of losing ten pounds without getting obsessed, depressed, or overly crazy?

This is the question I’ve asked myself over and over this week, which makes me believe that this is a quiet whisper God is nudging me to do, and it’s time. I believe He is trying to help set me up to be blessed and not obsessed this time around. But ultimately, I'm still the one that has to do it.

I’ve asked two friends to walk beside me and hold me accountable, to help encourage me to just figure out how and where to even start. I know we all know the basic principles of WHAT to do and HOW to start ~ move more and eat less. It’s the getting started that I think is a little tricky for most of us.

For me right now, I’m going to say my “getting started” is just putting it out there that it’s something I know I need to do. Will it start today? I don’t know. Or will I put it off until tomorrow – or next week – or heaven forbid next month or next year? Can I admit to you I’m eyeing a bag of tortilla chips, cheese queso, and salsa and thinking perhaps I’ll consider starting after eating a good fill of those bad boys?!?

Ten pounds people. We can do this! Ten pounds is my challenge today to myself and to you. Actually, let’s just start with nine pounds! That’s still in the single digits!

Next challenge we will take on the double digits!

{ next weight journey update HERE }
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