Already In The Arms of Jesus

~~~Flashback Post~~~
Already In The Arms of Jesus (March 27, 2015)

"The following morning I called the local clinic and was able to secure a 10:30a.m. appointment.  We were scheduled to still leave at noon for Illinois, and I had somehow managed to get myself, our six-year-old, and our dog all packed and ready for various locations while we were gone.

I went to work that morning, still feeling off and almost irritably nervous.  I had originally planned to leave work around 11:30am, but explained I felt a little off and that I was going to go in to the doctor before we left town.  I finished up all my work, double checked everything was taken care of and covered since I was going to be out for several days, and headed to the clinic.

When I arrived, I simply stated that we were leaving town and I just really wanted the assurance of hearing her heartbeat before we left.  My local doctor assured me this was just fine and he was able to do that for me.  I was soon lying down on the exam table, shirt lifted up, listening to a machine project all the inner sounds from within.  He moved the instrument around and around.  Soon I did hear a heartbeat, but it was much slower than the heartbeat we had heard on the earlier ultrasounds.

And then he had his fingers on my wrist, checking my pulse.  My pulse was the same speed as the pulse being projected, and I slowly willed myself to continue to just lie there and breathe.  In... Out... In... Out...  My eyes were closed and I felt him let go of my wrist and heard him say that he was going to bring in the portable ultrasound machine.

I lay there for a few minutes alone.  Alone, afraid, and pretty sure I knew what was about to happen.

And yet nothing really could prepare me for the moments that followed.  The door was opened and a lady wheeled in a large machine.  She turned down the lights and immediately went to work.  She apologized because the jelly wasn't warmed and was going to be cold.  I'm quite certain I wouldn't have noticed had it been either as cold as ice or as hot as fire.

And then she quietly said the words "Oh honey, I am so sorry... but there is no heartbeat..."  She went on to say that her entire body was quite full of fluid.  More than just the large pocket that had been on the back of her head earlier.

I laid there looking at her, a mix of really slow moving emotions.
"It's ok, it's ok...  She is sick, and we knew this was going to happen... It's ok..."

It was like a really huge weight was lifted, while at the same time a ten-ton train was slamming into me head-on.  Relief and the very first prick of extreme sorrow all at the same time.

She helped me sit up, and she quietly slipped back out of the room, and I sat there in the silence, completely alone.

Done.  All the waiting and wondering was over.
Gone.  She was already gone.

She was already gone, but she was also already healed, whole, and in the arms of Jesus.  I could picture her in His arms.  He was already holding her - cradling her, loving her, looking deep into her eyes.  Her disease and all her earthly imperfections were no more.  The tears and sorrow and full reality overtook me at that exact moment and I put my head in my hands and just sobbed.

Suddenly, it became a blur of calls and conversations and plans, and change in plans. We were packed, but we would not be heading east to Chicago.  We would head west to Sioux Falls, where they would be waiting for our arrival at the hospital.  We were told we needed to get packed and be on our way within the hour, or they would send me there in an ambulance.

And even though I had thought about it daily, obsessed over it hourly... we were completely and totally unprepared for the labor and delivery that still had to happen..."

{ click HERE for our next journal entry "Delivery" }
{ click HERE for our previous journal entry "The Start of Our Goodbyes" }

{ Missed the previous posts to our Journey to Faith story?  start HERE }