The update I found I have been putting off, for a myriad of odd reasons, most of which are just bizarre little stories I'm making up in my head, if I'm completely honest. I can't quite decide if I should share about this or not... Oddly, I feel like this is another one of those areas society is oddly silent about.
Who will care, who will even be interested in the fact I've lost a little weight?? When I knew I needed to get healthy and lose some weight - I would often feel slightly jealous towards those who were, those who were conquering and getting somewhere and giving themselves a deserved shout-out, and I found I sometimes avoided them. I don't want people to avoid me... Now that I've lost some weight and working towards regaining a healthier lifestyle, I feel some guilt over what I've actually accomplished and I'm afraid if I share about it, I'll turn off the jealous types, and also sets myself up for what people will think if I fall off the bandwagon (like I always have) and gain it all back again. And as one who has struggled with the control issues of an eating disorder time and again, I also fear people will judge me with an assumption that it is my current reality and diet plan, which for once it isn't.
Then there's the odd reality that over a six month period, less than a handful of people have actually commented or mentioned my weight loss in a face to face conversation. I've lost around thirty pounds, and while I'm sure I do talk about it in my general conversations, I have tried really hard to remain as quiet about it all as I can. But apparently either no one who notices cares enough to say anything, or no one who cares has noticed any change. Odd. It does make me stop and wonder, what areas in my life amid interactions with others am I missing opportunities for praise, growth, and confidence building into those around me?
Are we as a society not "seeing" - or are we just no longer "affirming"?
Yup, the crazy in my brain is always a little wacka-do-dah... So beyond all these silly mind games I play with myself, I decided I will give an update and hope for the best. I've been working really hard for quite a while, and while I don't want to "toot my own horn" and spotlight myself, I do want to document these challenging steps in my journey.
In case you're new to this part of my journey, click HERE. Basically, I have battled my weight all my life, I'm not naturally skinny or athletic. I rollercoaster up and down, year after year. Back in the fall I was finally prompted into action about the weight I had gained over the summer. My body had finally reached a point of healing about 18 months after I had delivered Faith. I had spent my entire pregnancy with her sick, not just a morning sickness sick, but an overall full body sickness as my body bled and carried a tiny baby that was also filled with the sickness and the genetic disease, Trisomy 18.
After her birth and funeral I very quickly, without having to do anything, lost a rather large amount of weight, and was able to fairly naturally maintain that weight over the next 18 months without having to be overly careful what I ate or how much I exercised. For a person who has spent her entire life struggling with her weight, it was really nice, even though the reality of all the emotional, spiritual, and physical healing I was dealing with left me overly unconcerned about my weight. I'm left grateful, as I'm sure I could have very easily packed on an impressive amount of weight during that hard season.
Fast forward to last summer, our second full summer at the lake in a permanent spot, and once June hit I slowly noticed the weight coming back on. By the end of September I was faced with the very real reality that none of my pants fit and I had nothing to wear for winter. Not just an "oh my pants are tight"... but a "I can't even get them up / on / zipped..." I fought it, but did finally start on the all-too-familiar journey of weight loss, yet again.
It was very slow going for a long time. I went to my tried-and-true go to diet of counting fat grams and eating very low fat food every day. Despite my diligence, the weight did not budge. I started doctoring for the pain and bunions on my feet. I slowly got back on the treadmill again. And I decided to try something new to me, I started counting weight watcher points.
It was all new and a little hard to get the hang of initially, but after a while I did start to see some small successes. It was slow, as it is designed to be. I don't do slow well. As I stated earlier, I am a tried and true eating disorder food controller, which I did not want to have take over this time and tried to remain very conscious of. It has been a battle, I won't lie, but I can honestly say this time I am really doing the work and putting in the time to correctly lose the weight and get my body back in shape. No starvation in hopes of instant success. No obsessive exercise regime. No expensive fad specific food, shakes, or drinks (although my grocery budget did increase due to buying fruits, veggies, healthy, and organic foods...) Just logging points, points, and more points and 5-6 days of getting myself on my treadmill for 2-3 miles a day.
The whole thing has been difficult for me, and doing it "correctly" has taken so much longer than it ever has in the past. But after nearly six months, I have recently met the goal weight that I set for myself. It's a higher weight than the golden number of unattainable perfection I have carried with me in my mind for the last 30 years, but I'm hoping that might also help me somehow be able to maintain it longer than a few short weeks once I reached my goal weight. And I'm not going to lie, it feels great to feel great again. It feels amazing to slip on jeans I haven't worn in over 5 years, to go shopping for a select few new items to add to my wardrobe, items that are new and in the correct size. I am not much of a fashion driven person, but I will tell you this- there is quite honestly nothing better than the feel of high-end expensive designer jeans, in a size and length that fits you. Mmmmm that was a recent gift and revelation after a shopping stop at a Maurice's with a gift card from my husband. I own a ton of jeans, they've all come from thrift stores and most don't really fit and aren't true designer denim, but I splurged and bought myself a pair that day. Oh mylanta! Now that is sweet treat!
But I also won't lie... Every time I look at them and think about them, I can't help but wonder how long it will be before I can't get them on any more and they will become part of the growing stack of unwearable jeans in the top of my closet...
I have just recently arrived at this number on my scale, so now I'm trying to figure out and navigate the ever elusive "maintaining" aspect of weight loss that I have never ever been able to even remotely conquer in the past. Now I have changed my goal to maintaining it through the entire 2017 year. And I will plan to log updates as I go - both to hold me accountable, and hopefully to encourage you to keep going yourself.
Maybe it's not weight that you're needing to journey to and through... but we all have something hard in front of us, and around us, that we know we need to persevere through and diligently remain conscious of in hopes of bettering our tomorrows. Find a friend, find an accountability partner, don't feel you need to go it alone.
Don't keep putting it off, just dive in and breathe deep and take that first step. You can never get to the second, third, and fourth steps until you take that very first one. Just do it and get it over with, it will be hard, but it will start the forward momentum you need. I promise, it will. Starting is always the hardest. And then when you reach the middle, hit the plateau, hit the roadblock that wants to make you quit... push through. Do the next right thing, just keep doing the next right thing. (Just eat the carrots instead of the box of chocolates, trust me on this.)
Don't keep putting off to tomorrow what you can actually start today. You've got this my friend, you've got this. I believe in you and I know you have the power to believe in you. Set the goal (make it small!), take the first step, hang on to your support system, and know it's going to be a long journey... But when the journey is long, it is always worth it, because God is always there, woven into each detail of each new day and each new step forward. He is most visible and close during the darkest, hardest parts of our journeys. He believes in you and knows your success is just within reach, it just needs a little hard work and your commitment to just keep doing that next right thing...
And just a little side note hint... often the next right thing, is really the next really hard thing, so if in doubt ~ just pick the thing that's hard, the thing you're avoiding, the "I can't even...!..." thing, and it's pretty sure a sure-fire winner in your journey towards success!
{ next Journey of Weight post HERE }
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