Cleaning our Junk Drawers

We recently decided to "love it instead of list it" with our house, and embarked on some upgrades to our kitchen, laundry, and family room.   One of the deciding factors to staying, was the thought and reality of cleaning and packing this house renders me utterly overwhelmed.

I know I need to clean, organize, and get rid of a vast majority of the "stuff" filling our house.  I am always battling "stuff" and materialism and the tricky realities regarding want and affluence within blue collar America.  It is one of the lines on my bucket list... "Get ride of 1/2 of the possessions in our house."  But all that being said, I have continued year after year to drag my feet, continued year after year to accumulate more and more.  My junk drawers and cupboards continue to get junkier and junkier.  The piles on my counters of papers and envelopes continues to get higher and higher, more and more.

The mess around me makes me feel off and irritable inside.  I am one that finds a great rest and internal peace when my surroundings are neat and orderly... when LIFE is neat and orderly.  But rarely is my life, or my house, anywhere close to neat and orderly.  I have great intentions, but fail daily to get ahead and stay ahead on the war of the mess.

I recently boxed up everything from several of my kitchen cupboards and drawers.  I got rid of several things, which allowed me to put away and organize after our new countertops were in.  Oh those cupboards now operate on a high functioning capacity, and I love it.   There were a few drawers and cupboards however still in dire need of being overhauled.  I've been putting them on my to-do week after week, and continuing to ignore them week after week.  Until this weekend.  For whatever reason I finally attacked two drawers and a cupboard.

Oh mylanta, I should have done that a long time ago!  I took everything out, cleaned, dumped, donated, organized... and only allowed half of it to go back.  In the space newly available, I cleaned, organized, and moved all of my counter clutter into the cupboard, and closed the door on it.  Utterly overwhelming.  Utterly freeing in the moment of completion.  It was almost an adrenaline rush of inner peace that washed over me in that moment.

As I was working on it all, I began thinking about how we all have junk drawers and cupboards inside us as well... Areas that are just cluttered and unorganized and messy and in dire need of attention.  I think we would probably all benefit so much if we would just open those areas, see the clutter, organize and address the mess.  Intentionally take the time to just pull everything out and examine it closely - not just continuing to ignore and close the door and drawer to it.

I believe there are times we need to try step up and just do the hard work to go through some of those areas.  To either get rid of, let go of, come to grips with things... our habits, obsessions, worries, fears, insecurities... We need to attempt to better align, prune, sort, and put back in a much more working semblance of order.

I think for the same reason we have junk drawers in our house, in our lives we also keep holding onto and carrying around all this extra, unneeded baggage and "stuff".  We see it, we know it, but often it's just easier to keep adding right on top of it rather than actually addressing any of it... We rarely allow ourselves to let God step in and work alongside us, to allow Him to help renew us, clean us, revive us, give us a fresh start.

We don't need a whole bunch of expensive and fancy new things to get ourselves going in the right direction (not to say that new custom closet organizer shelving isn't sometimes needed and welcomed). I think initially we just need to thin out, sift through, and attempt to better organize the gifts, talents, thoughts, goals, fears, and hopes within our own messy layers of our lives. The biggest thing we can do is merely allow ourselves to become cleaned and organized, pruned and sharpened, upgraded and recycled. Consider adding daily devotions, prayer, accountability groups, weekly sabbath to help organize the chaos within... These often quickly and quietly sets the ball in motion and continue us forward.  The catalyst to continued insight and improvement and momentum.

Often it takes just a simple and subtle wake up call that today is the day, the moment we need to sit up and decide to start to tackle the mess, to tackle ourselves.  This may take many, many seasons and much time, effort, and emotional fortitude to muddle through all our layers of unrest and mess.  It is never quick or easy to come grips and embrace the work required of us.

But we're not alone, God will be right there in the thick of it all with us, helping guide us and move us forward.  He wants to help us clean, and organize, and update, and better our lives, and ourselves, and our families.  He wants us to live, laugh, love, and praise Him in all we say and do, free from clutter, and mess, and chaos.  He wants us to reside in a state of peace and grace.

If we listen carefully, we will hear Him quietly knocking on the door of our hearts, and souls, and minds... waiting to help us embark upon the often overwhelming tasking of cleaning our junk drawers, both those within our external home, and those within our internal home.

{ next post "The Living Room of My Heart"}
{ previous post "Two Years Ago" HERE }

Two Years Ago...

Wow… two years ago tomorrow. Over two years now we have been on this journey… Some days it feels like last week, some days it feels like a lifetime ago.

I look back at where I stood a year ago… even six months ago, and I’m humbled and grateful at the growth and healing that I’ve slowly started to experience the last while. I fully realize this is a joint journey for our family, with each of us individually traveling the same road of love and loss, but we as individuals are also completely linked and woven amid each other. Our hurts, our realities, our healing, our weakness, our strength, our grasp, our growth… all separate, and yet all relationally linked to one another through the dynamics of every day interaction and survival.

For the first time in a long time, I finally feel the threads and tapestry of our family have started to strengthen. There are still days, moments, minutes, when our fabric starts to fray and unravel, but the overall health and vibrancy have finally been “kicked up a notch” (to use a common phrase from our family's vocabulary).

I am still cursing Eve and her damn apple. I still have no idea why God would choose this to be the avenue He felt necessary to get our attention, to change us, to define us from. I still desperately wish all of this had gone so differently, that there would be a tiny red haired, blue eyed stubborn little one making us a family of five. Well, we are a family of five, we just have to continue to live as a family of four during this short duration on earth.

Even though we didn't choose this, it chose us and we will continue to pick up the pieces of our shattered dreams and lost little lives every single day.  There are good days and we celebrate, there are hard days and we mourn.  There are even a few just "mediocre" days, which are actually cause for great rejoicing.  Because the return of mediocre, is in all reality, exquisitely extraordinaire!

It has not been easy, but life for everyone is no walk in the park.  Our reality, and our hard, is no different, than any of your "not easy" realities and situations.  It is my prayer that you will stand firm, hold strong, embrace the mess, and continue forward as well.

When your feet and body weigh a million pounds from the loads and burdens you carry, remember you don't have to go it alone. Turn to others, turn to God, and allow yourselves to be carried. Find strength in your weaknesses, find hope in your lost, find joy in your sorrows.

As I look for my strength and joy, I have finally been able to get through all of our journal entries to share Faith's entire story. (to read the 8 new final entries that I have recently back-posted, click HERE)  We have bravely chosen to publicly start sharing our story, share our deepest dreams and fiercest fears, our failures and successes, and how we have continued to see God clearly at work through this story, and this journey.

"Calling isn't limited to vocation, it's rooted in God's creativity and how He's designed us.  As I consider the truth of these words, our purpose began when God formed us, and He continues to call us as long as we have breath.  The psalmist wrote it this way: "For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  God appointed His purpose for each of us, even in our mothers' wombs."  (Rebekah Lyons, "You Are Free")

Faith may not have been granted breath, but she was granted a grand purpose, even if only from within my womb.  It is our hope that we will continue to share her story, our Journey to Faith, well.  Even though her life may have been far too short, it is my prayer that her purpose and legacy will be more mighty and meaningful than imaginable.  She may have not been given the magical dash of life granted between the dates of her birth and the dates of her death, like the rest of us have gotten the privilege of receiving, but in that missing dash, it is my hope and prayer that many, many accomplishments will still be associated with her, for her, and through her.

May my family and myself continue to live and love, after this loss, in a most extraordinary way.  May we continue to live and love all of ourselves, our family, our friends, and our world in a most extraordinary way.

May the impact and reason for her life reach far beyond her loss.

May everyone I know, may everything I touch, be filled with a magical legacy of the dash she never got to fill here on earth.  May all those around us simply know, see, and be personally touched by the joy and greater worth we are growing from and finding within our loss.

May the littlest of things, the shortest of lives, the tiniest heartbeats of life, continue to cause the biggest catalysts of change and growth, through a ripple effect from the very core of our hearts, through the very core of the entire world around us.

{ Previous blog post "Just Choose Happy" HERE }
{ missed our previous Journey To Faith journal entries, click HERE }

{ next post "Cleaning Our Junk Drawers" HERE }

Just Choose Happy

I think some days you just have to choose happy. A simple principal in theory, and incredibly hard in reality ~ at least for me.

Some days I am filled with grumpy, and bitterness, and self loathing, and over thinking and over processing things I shouldn't be.  Days I am irritable and other peoples annoyances and simple behaviors grate at my every nerve until I'm ready to explode.  If I'm honest, I think I need to change the beginning of this paragraph from "some days" to "most days..."

Sometimes it is someone else's fault, someone else's interaction with me warranting them to snatch up and walk away with my happiness... but nearly every time it's my own issue.  It's my own choice whether I choose to be happy or I choose to spiral into the ugly.

I don't want it to be my issue, I want it to be everyone else's fault and issue. I want everyone else to be responsible for my happiness and fulfillment, I don't actually want to have the weight of all that on myself.  Life is just easier that way - letting everyone else be responsible on our behalf.  Or is it?  Is it really easier to live in a life where we allow others to dictate how we feel inside, allowing others to be responsible for our unrest, fighting, and a general unhappy heart?  Is joy bubbling over and smiling in abundance and grace abounding not something everyone would love to influence and play in every single day?

How often do we let the sin and satans of the world suck our happiness, pull the rug of our joy out from under us?  We need to realize it's guaranteed to happen every single day.  We stand at the fork in the road of joy and unrest multiple times daily.  Sometimes we choose left, sometimes we choose right - but ultimately we are the only ones standing in our own shoes choosing which foot to put forward first.  For me, this is a hard pill to swallow, a hard concept to grasp for some reason.

Somehow I just need to resolve to both recognize this, and fight for my happiness back as quickly as possible. The longer I sit in my unhappy, the longer that unhappy thinks it's invited and welcome... the harder it is to kick it to the curb.

My unhappy loves nothing better than to move on in, make a mess, and stay as long as possible.

So how do we learn to start shutting the door to this unwelcomed guest sooner, or not even answer at all when it comes knocking?  I think the biggest key and defense mechanism is just simple awareness and intentionality.  We have to not be caught off guard, blindsided, unaware of the potential threat.  It's going to happen, plan on it, watch for it, be ready to turn it away.  Stress, unrest, tension, bitterness, unhappiness is all over, everywhere, every day.  Put on your armor and be ready to battle it.

Set your mind with the attitude of merely choosing to be happy.  Practice turning around, backing up, reversing the force as the tornado in the drain starts sucking us down.  Try to see the good, try to choose the high road.

I personally also think soul care, self care, silence, rest are also key ingredients to help keep the door to unhappy closed.  When we work on intentionally filling and protecting ourselves, our souls, our priorities, and schedules, it helps us build our defenses again the attacks of the enemy.

The happier we are for longer periods of time, the harder it is for the unhappy to quietly seep in.  When we reside in a state of extended soul health and happiness, it makes it more and more easy to notice, identify, and address the undesirable weight of unhappy.

It makes me think of the phrase "Muscle weighs more than fat..." The heaviness of our unhappy weighs so much more than the freedom found in our happy.  Happiness is lighter and brighter and bolder and so much better than unhappiness.

So just choose it.  Choose to be happy, even when the hand we're being dealt isn't ideal.  When the reality of the details and situations around us aren't to our choosing or standards.  When the disappointments and distractions are overwhelming.  Try see the good, try see the God in everything around you.

And of course I know this is easier said than done!  Everything in life is!  But if we aren't willing to at least attempt to take the high road once or twice (or every time you can), we cannot expect the far too busy and far too self centered, self revolving society and world around us to look up, see us, and choose our happiness for us.  We are the only ones living our lives, the only ones responsible for our choices...  so why not just choose happy?

There is absolutely nothing to lose by trying to just choose happy whenever we can.  I'm pretty sure we can help change the world, by simply helping change ourselves, one happy choice at a time.

{ Previous blog post "Bitter vs Better" HERE }
{ next blog post "Two Years Ago" HERE }

Bitter vs Better

For the first six to seven months following Faith's funeral, I did not once enter a sanctuary for worship.

I work at a church. I needed to intentionally drive to, and enter into, that building nearly every single day. The things I was thinking and the mess I was harboring inside, left me feeling unworthy of being within the walls of its Holiness. At least that's what I thought. But in reality, that is the building’s exact purpose. Church is intended to be the place the messy are welcome to come to find the Holy. It is not the place put-together people come after they have figured out their messy.

Over the course of those months, I did physically enter the sanctuary for job related tasks, but I still would not allow myself to enter in and actually "worship" inside that room, it was just too sacred, too Holy, too intense. I would listen to the sermons every week as I sat out in the fellowship hall, desperately trying to not hear, but the words would still always seep in. I would stand at the back windows and look in, watching the people, the pastor, knowing the spirit of it all... but I just could not bring myself to enter in to worship.

I was just too bitter, too lost, too angry, too sad, too raw, and too utterly guilt ridden for feeling all that bitterness, lostness, anger, and sadness. I carried such big emotions of anger and resentment towards God during that time, which in turn filled me with confusion and great guilt. I was on “processing overload,” which basically shut me down entirely, leaving me emotionally numb.

I knew that I knew God was in control, and God did ultimately love me.
I just desperately did not want to love Him back anymore. I felt He had failed me, He had hurt me, He was choosing a different path for my journey than what I wanted for myself.

It left me in a constant battle between the savior in my soul and the devil in my mind.

That hurricane of unstable emotion would not allow me to enter and embrace that special place where I knew God dwelled. I could not sing - the words too hard to ingest, the tears too hard to fight back. I could not open my Bible or go further than Psalm 23. A year and a half earlier Psalm 23 was the passage God gave me for the year... for thee entire year. Every day, it was the passage I held, I read, I memorized, I laid in bed and prayed through.  "The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want... He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul..." As I had entered the start of the next new year, I had tried to find my next passage to move on to, but oddly, I just felt the continued draw to stay in Psalm 23. It would soon turn to be the passage that would ultimately carry me through the months and season God had been preparing it in my heart for.

I forcefully pushed God away again and again, holding Him firmly at arms length away.  I was willing Him, daring Him, challenging Him, to both never let me go AND to just shove me entirely out of His favor and grace once and for all.

Had I not been a church staff employee during that season of my life, I can’t help but wonder if I would have turned from God and walked away entirely, never to turn, never to return. Thank goodness God orchestrated me filling that position, clearly another preparation that He started years earlier in my life, to help ultimately carry me through the months and seasons God knew were coming.

So I continued coming to work, coming to "church." I continued showing up, basically because I had an obligation of required tasks I needed to accomplish, not because I actually wanted to. God also continued showing up, and patiently waiting for me to return.

During the day I would walk by the classroom where I sat alone at the table on the conference call with the genetic counselor and my husband and got the fateful news of Faith's initial diagnose. I would drive out the driveway and turn at the sign where my first fire towards God hit shortly after that diagnose. The same exact place the following day God gave me the theme song I needed to get me through that season... He Is With Us by Love and the Outcome.

I would walk by the bulletin board where I had the initial conversation with my friend and co-worker in my anger, as I paced and spat and tried processing the words I need to figure out how to tell this story well, because it is not about me.  If God supposedly works everything for good, I had the revelation I needed to figure out how to share this story well, because this was not something good for me. This could only be good for someone else. I was going to just stay and simmer in my bitterness forever.  (It would take a long time before I allowed Him to start revealing how this was actually good for my very own life.)

I would walk by the center isle of the sanctuary, where hands were laid on and prayers were given over me and little Faith for her miracle healing... which never happened. I had never honestly believed she would be, and I felt confusion and guilt over my lack of faith. I believe in miracles, I just also knew Faith was not going to be one of them.

This went on for months. The entire spring, summer, and fall season I sat in my bitterness.

I kept showing up at work, and God kept patiently waiting... until one day, I finally decided I needed to try figure out if I was going to continue the rest of my life trapped and stuck in that season of bitter, or if I was going to intentionally try figure out how to forgive God and take steps forward on the journey toward a season of healing and better.  I was bitter, and I was exhausted.  I had no idea what to do to try get better.

Bitter is the easy avenue to pick, the easy place to park our woes and stay stuck in. We can justify it to ourselves and to others as we point our blame outward at God and the world.

Better is hard, better I found is a much bigger mountain to climb. Better is having to turn those assuming and accusing fingers inward and not at God any longer. Better is having to embrace intentionality, forgiveness, processing, growth, relinquishment of all control, choosing to take steps forward even when your feet refuse to move.

I dove into books, conversations, prayers, Bible studies, scriptures, more conversations, coffee dates, moments of silence, moments of rest, moments of chaos, embracing, investing, and growing deep and honest friendships. I began to really listen to the whispers of change and refinement God was asking of me. I turned my focus inward, I turned my questions upside-down, I turned my attention and devotion upward.  It was a painfully slow and hard process.

None of it has, is, or ever will be easy. It's a process I will never finish, a place I will never fully arrive at while on this earth. It's a "deny my cross daily and choose Jesus" mentality that some days I'm almost a rockstar at, and some days (ok most days if I'm honest) I'm an utter failure at. But I am loved by God and many others, and I have been granted continual grace in my journey, which in turn has allowed me to extend grace and love to a degree I've never experienced before with those around me.

I consciously try view my life, my circumstances, my relationships, my encounters every day differently than I did a year ago. I try simply to be fully aware, fully present. Intentionally try find the good, see the God, in the situations and life unfolding within and around me.

I’ve heard the quote “Sometimes when things are falling apart, they are actually falling into place…" We all have the choice to stay bitter, or the choice to become better. I realize it's not an either / or, black / white answer - it's a rich mix of intentionally choosing better to help get us beyond our bitter in the journeys God sets for our lives.

Bitter and better will always go hand in hand, they will always be a sticky peanut butter and jelly type mixture spread over and coating our lives... We will always have the choice of how long, how deep, how hurtful, how painful, we allow our bitter to seep and stay.  Or we can choose how we will allow it to prune us into something better, something richer, something deeper.

God intentionally gives us "bitter" as an avenue to help accomplish our greatest potentials.  I believe God wants us to all become the best "betters" we can be... so He continues to sprinkle in the trials, storms, tribulations, and bitterness for us to experience and cycle through.

He wants us to learn to find comfort in our uncomfort and embrace and name our bitter.  To know it's His intention, not His punishment to work in this way in us.  It's Him drawing us closer to Him while He's refining us into a bigger and better version of our current selves.

Desperate Need of A Nap

I am in a season of busy and I am in desperate need of a nap...
I think society at large is in a season of busy and in desperate need of a nap...

We live in a time when we feel everyone around is going all out, all the time, doing all the things for all the people in their lives. We live in a time when our calendars are maxed out every single day, and we have allowed it to all seep into the needed quiet margins of our lives.  We've somehow managed to either convince ourselves, or allow others to convince us, that we need to jump on that same bandwagon and stay just as overwhelmed and as busy as we think everyone around us is.

It's a time when we have noise everywhere - tvs, radios, movies, social media feeds and videos.  There's noise always coming at us, and noise constantly from within us as our mind spins, and manages, and multitasks every minute of our days and weeks... If we aren't careful, we find it suddenly turns into years that will have passed without taking the time to stop, to slow, to be silent...

We all need to allow our lives to nap.  We all need to protect our souls.  We all need quiet.  And we all need to take the responsibility and initiative to actually intentionally schedule silence for ourselves, and for our families.  And we need to not feel guilty about it.

Silence....Some of us long for it and seek it out.  We know the need, the importance, and we long for and desire the comfort and retreat of that sacred time.  Some of are are scared to death of it... you run from it and refuse to put down and turn off the noise and constant input.

Silence... the place where you recharge, where you ponder, where you pray, and where you can clearly hear the quiet whisper of God.  Silence fills your soul and heals your wounds and sets your course back towards the true north of your life's destination and journey.  Silence allows the frayed tapestry of our lives to be slowly and delicately mended.  Silence can be both ones best friend and ones worst enemy, depending on how you view it.

I'm one that personally loves and embraces silence.  Silence recharges my batteries and fills me.  I am an introvert by nature, but I work and live in a quite extroverted atmosphere.  So there are lots of days I am left just physically and emotionally exhausted.  It just takes a lot of effort, and love, and patience, and outpouring to fully surround myself, and love on, and live into, lots of other people well.  It's something I enjoy, but it's something that does require a lot from me.  When we fill and fill and fill others, we have to be sure we don't end up too empty ourselves.  We need to love ourselves enough to know when, and how, we need to fill ourselves, and not allow the societal guilt attached to that seep in and tell us we aren't worthy of loving ourselves well.

Loving ourselves well.  It sounds easy, but I have found it's not.

I find when I am intentional about myself I wrestle with feelings of selfishness and guilt.  I find society doesn't always understand the need for Sabbath, and doesn't always realize that everyone's Sabbath is going to look a little different.  It's not just the childhood perception of the 12:00am-12:00pm hours of a Sunday that I once believed it was. I don't honestly think many in today's society really knows what Sabbath even truly is and doesn't find the importance or intention God set for it to be in our lives.

Rest and recharge and soul care are so so important.  I have spent most of the first forty years of my life exhausted and completely empty as I worked around the clock and over committed in every quadrant of my life.  It took a great big wake up call to open my eyes to the fact I needed to do a better job taking care of me, myself, and I - so that in turn, I can better love, and live, and breathe into everyone around me, especially my family and close friends.  I am far far from perfect, but I am trying to be conscious, and aware, to continually grow and feed this need in my life.

Each and every one of us need to breathe deep the value of this concept and intentionally define it's personal definition for you yourself, and in turn how it needs to be defined and protected within your families.  We need to individually buy into to the reality that we are all collectively feeding into this cyclone of social insanity all around us.  We live in the misconception that we are not in control of life's chaos...  and in some ways we aren't, but in more ways than you can imagine, we are.  We are in control of many of the lines that get written on the calendars of our lives. 

We are in control of most of the things we schedule and set as a priority.  It's usually just a lot harder to say no, than it is to say yes.  When we say yes, yes, yes to anything and everything and everyone, and overbook and overwork - we often end up saying no, no, no to opportunities to silence, to fill, and to care for our own selves and our own souls.  We also say no to amazing opportunities to serve others, to see other, to give to others, to minister to others.  We need to choose our "yes's" and our "no's" more carefully so we aren't left having to say "no" to the things that we should or could be saying "yes" to.

We do not need to do everything, go to everything, be in everything, have everything, sign our kids up for everything.  We need to learn to wait, to listen, to be patient, to prioritize, to be ok saying no, to be ok setting and enforcing borders for both ourselves and for our families.  We need to be ok with setting limits to what we can and can't commit to, and what our families can and can't commit to.

We need to be the ones to set the standard, set the example to those around us.  We need to be bold, and brave, and choose ourselves sometimes.  People are watching us all the time.  Our children are watching us, our peers are watching us, strangers are watching us, our family and friends are watching us.  Show them you love them, by showing them you love yourself.  Show them how they can be better when you are living life more filled and intentionally "less".

Show them how caring for your soul is actually caring for theirs.  Show them "less" is actually so much "more."  Show them you are worth it... and so are they.  Allow yourselves, your families, your lives the naps you so disparately need and are longing for.  We cannot single-handedly change the world, but we can change ourselves, which will in turn cause a ripple effect of change far into the world.

Stop, slow, silence.
Say no to controllable chaos, say yes to soul care and opportunities to fill and serve yourself and others.  You will make yourself, your family, and the world a better place by it.

{ previous post, 13th Anniversary, click HERE }

The Year of the Bucket Lists

The last few months the hubs and I have had some intentional conversations about some of our hopes and wishes for our lives...  I've always had a sketchy, unofficial wish-list of sorts in the back of my mind, but I decided to actually sit down and identify a few top things I'd like to do, to accomplish, to achieve, in this lifetime.

It was time to intentionally identify, and then it was time to pick a few to actually try cross off this year.  "The Year of the Bucket Lists" as my husband has recently referred to it.

Dream, identify, achieve, dream again.  Dream. Do. Delete. Replace.
I think I'll call it my "Intentional Dreaming and Achievementing" list (I like making up words that aren't actually real).  aka ~ The Bucket List.

#1- Half marathon.
Register for one.  Train for one.  Cross the finish line at one.
I will not require myself to run the entire distance or complete in a certain time to cross this off my list.  I just want to complete - not compete.

#2- Write a Book
I'd love to actually say "Publish a Book" - but I probably better just work on "writing" it first ;-)

#3- Photography & Travel
a) Photograph and witness a hot air balloon night glow
b) Photograph and tour a lighthouse
c) Photograph a bald eagle in the wild

#4- Guns & Hunting
a) Shoot a handgun.
b) Complete a gun safety course.
c) Go out bow hunting with my husband.
d) Shoot a deer bow hunting.

#5- General / Misc
a) Get a passport (although I'm not going to put "get a stamp in it" on my list ~LOL)
b) Downsize and get rid of 1/2 of my current life possessions.
c) Pay off all my debt and live loan free for 12 consecutive months.
d) Live at a lake 60% of the year by the time I'm 60.

Those were the current top five things I identified, but then started adding subcategories... So I'm actually not sure how that quite all works, because then five actually became thirteen ~ which just HAPPENS to be my lucky number and the apparent theme of this year! So, now I had some concrete, black and white items in which I can start working on crossing off.

And then I chose five to try cross off this year.
#1- Half marathon.
I am currently registered to run a half marathon in Des Moines on October 15.
I am officially half marathon training again.

#2- Write a Book
Well, I guess it's just a blog for now: Journey To Faith, and that's probably as good as it's going to get in my dreams to be a published author.  I'm just a self-publisher, and that's ok, I am in fact... writing something.
I used to say I wanted to write a book, but was never really quite sure what to write about.  God has a funny sense of humor doesn't He?  Oh He gave me a story to write about, one I could have never ever come up with on my own. :-)

#3- Shoot a handgun and complete a gun safety course.
I am currently registered for a class in a few days, which will potentially accomplish both of these.

#4- Get a passport.
I have no desire to travel outside the country, but I have talked about doing this for eight years now.
This year I will figure out where to go and what to do to actually get one.

#5- Currently unidentified at this time.
Well, I have nine months and nine other items to pick from at this point.
I will just have to see what opportunities present itself and go from there.

My hubby and I have decided this is the year.  2017, the year to grab just life by the horns and intentionally strive, achieve, and do.  Whatever it is God is calling both of us to dream of and strive for, I hope this is the year for accomplishing great and mighty things.

To "The Year of the Bucket Lists" ~ cheers!

13th Anniversary

March 13, 2004... Thirteen years ago tomorrow I walked down the isle of a small church, in a fifty dollar wedding dress, and married a strong, dashing, red-head.  It was my second marriage, his first.  We had a whole bunch of life already behind us... We had our entire future before us.

Thirteen is actually my lucky number.  Thirteen is actually our "golden" anniversary. Thirteen is our "bakers dozen golden" anniversary at that... Thirteen is also the number of miles in a half-marathon, which I also hope to finally cross off my bucket-list this year.

As I was driving to work the other day, I turned the corner in my car and was struck with the random thought... "We have really grown this past year..." and nearly instantly my mind also replied back... "But it isn't because HE has finally changed... It's because YOU have finally changed..."

So often we grumble and nitpick at those closest to us, those sharing the secrets of day-to-day life in the real with us.  So often we just wish they would change... they would grow up... they would finally figure out how to do this, or that, or realize they need to stop doing that and start doing all these...

We have fought about finances, we have fought about crazy stupid little things, we have fought about big fundamental life changing things.  We have lived through highs and laughter, we have lived through lows and many tears.  We have parented in a blended family home, we have parented in an adopted family home, we have parented in an infant loss family home.  Sometimes we stood united, sometime we stood divided.  Those are all super tricky, super emotional, super hard realms to reside in every single day.

We have weathered the changing of many seasons - both in the physical sense through the passing of time and temperature change outside, as well as the mental sense as each of us internally process, change, grow, and struggle as we journey through our own seasons of ups and downs.

If I'm totally honest, there were times - many times - I did not want to continue on.  I wanted to bow out and walk away, run away as fast and as far as I could.  But I did that once before and swore I would never ever live through that, or put my children through that again.  So I stayed... and we trudged onward...  we survived, but we didn't always thrive.  He stayed busy doing his things (hunting, fishing, archery, working...) and I stayed busy doing my things (scrabpooking, running, drinking coffee, working...).  We saw each other in passing, we shared parenting responsibilities, we occasionally took a moment or two together.

I've said over and over again that I know I am a difficult person to live with, and I would NOT want to have to live with me.  Phew - no thanks.  I am stubborn, emotional, strong willed, and have a perfection complex - which doesn't just affect me... oh no - it affects every single person and every single item they own within our home.  I whined and complained that no one saw me, no one helped me, yet when they did ~ I nitpicked and tore them apart because whatever they did wasn't good enough.

God has been patiently trying to work on me, pricking my heart and soul with the reality of my issues and harshness... But it wasn't until about two and a half years ago that He finally brought me to a point of fully waking me up to all my ugliness and reality.  He took my hand and led me down a path to a journey of loss I did not ask to be on, absolutely did not want to be on, a refiners fire hotter and harder than anything I'd ever experience before...  and I turned around and grabbed onto my husbands hand and hung on for dear life.

And he never once let me go.  He clung to me with all his might, and he continued to love me through my ugly, through my anger, through my utter lost-ness.  He loved me unconditionally and proved himself over and over and over.

The last two years have been a mix of both really hard and really good.  One of the best things that came out of the loss of our daughter, was making the decision to get a permanent camping spot at a campground we had never even been at.  We knew no one, we just knew we needed to be near a hospital.  That decision has been absolutely life altering for us individually, and for us as a couple.  We have allowed ourselves to rest, slow, heal... we have come to embrace life and our love on the shores and decks of that campground.  The friendships we have made with others, and the growth we have made with each other cannot be described.

And out of that place of rest and healing for me, has come a place of growth and change.  I've allowed myself time to grieve, time to process, time to pray, time to rest, time to read, time to write, time to fall in love completely with my family, time to take down my walls and discover true friendships, time to face some of my inner demons and begin the work of identifying and releasing them.  I've allowed myself to be loved and valued for the real me, not worrying so much about my failures and my inabilities.  Our family has been embraced by so many who openly love us and support us, even with all our little quirks and odd dynamics.

I realize I still have so incredibly far to go... but I have been diligently working on healing and growing, and my husband has given me so much freedom and support in that mission.  He has allowed me to publicly share a very private story of our loss - as it's not just my story to share - it is OUR story... he has allowed and encouraged me to be real, be brave, be vulnerable, be relational... and it's allowed me to start becoming a better me, a happier me, a fuller and richer me.   I'm still pretty crazy "out there" I realize, but hopefully my heart and soul are a little less hard and harsh as it touches those around me, especially those closest to me within the walls of our little, messy home.   A home that has had much less frustrated and upset people living inside it these days.  There's still occasional fights and disagreements... there's still occasional "hangry" attacks and meltdowns... but it has markedly amazed me when I stop to really think about it, about how in this current season of our lives and marriage, we have grown.

We have finally got some pretty good tools in our toolboxes to help us identity and live in the reality of life's "hard" and we've figured out the benefit of actually knowing we need to use them well.  I know life is all about cycles and seasons, and we may very well roller coaster right back to the rough and rumble we have bumped along through for so long in the past...  but for now, for today, for this season, I am so grateful for the grace and forgiveness of my husband and family as they have journeyed beside me all these years.

Tomorrow we will celebrate thirteen years.  Thirteen years of the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Thirteen years of reality and honest love (which quite honestly, doesn't always look like love) through the ups and downs.  Thank you for choosing me all those years ago.  Thank you for allowing a second chance in my life and choosing to hold my hand and enter a new future together.  Thank you for not letting go, even when I know you wanted to.  Thank you for not changing, and thank you for your patience as you wait and weather the never-ending seasons of my growth and change.

While I know we are not guaranteed tomorrow, and we are not guaranteed tomorrow together... I surely hope God will grant His favor upon us that we may continue onward and upward together through many many more adventurous years to come.

[Love you snot-loads babe!]

{ previous post "I Do Not Have It All Together, click HERE }
{ next post "Desperate Need Of A Nap," click HERE }

I Do Not Have It All Together

Nope, I do not have my shit together... I do not have my poop in a group... I never have, and I'm fairly certain I never will... and you know what, that's ok.  At least I'm going to tell myself that's ok... and I'm going to tell you you need to start telling yourself that's ok...

I have spent my entire life a big, fat, hot mess.  My life has been messy, and complicated, and loud, and complex since the day I came out of the womb...  I had colic, I didn't sleep well, I'm pretty sure I was high maintenance, and I'm pretty sure I've been high maintenance ever since... Had I grown up in today's society I would have all sorts of multi-letter diagnoses coloring my medical and school records...

I'm one of those left handed, right brained, fairly eccentric, deep thinking, artsie-fartsie types. I also borderline on control freak when it comes to overseeing, organization, and perfection issues, which are two extremes not always associated together, leaving the two halves of my brain at continual war against each other.  I have ink and piercings in various locations.  I over analyze and over think everything.  I feel with every single cell in my body. I've often said that I just didn't quite belong, that I just didn't quite get it, that I just didn't really fit in.  I was under the assumption the world could only handle small doses of me at once... which left me a little lost, hiding, holding back through the majority of my time.

I have spent forty-two years trying to figure it out, straighten it out, hide it, stuff it, ignore it, correct it, change it, fix it... and by "it" I mean every thing that encompasses every aspect and asset of my life.  It's been exhausting.  I've spent forty-two years trying to control, predict, juggle, perfect, and hide.

But, you know what, I think I have figured out a tiny little secret the last little while...  Lean in close, and I'll quietly whisper it to you...  We are ALL big, fat, hot messes. I'll say that a little louder - we are ALL big, fat, hot messes. No one has their shit together, their poop in a group, their ducks in a row.  Nope ~ I think we are all faking it till we make it, hiding it, holding it in, sucking it up (and sucking it in), and living every single day in the fear of being found out and exposed.

And we're all convinced we're the only ones...  We're the only ones living this big, fat, hot mess of a life.

Why??  Why do we do this??  Why is it so hard to embrace the mess, to live in the here and now of absolute truth and reality??  We're all trying to quietly stuff the imperfect far away, wrap up the mess with fancy paper and a big bow and show up to life's party like nothing is wrong.  But underneath, inside, all around, no matter how we dress it or address it... it's still all a big, fat, hot mess.  I'm doing it - you're doing it... we're all doing it, but why??

Why isn't it ok to just not be ok?  This is who I am, all of me, take it or leave it.

But here's a little something of what I've been discovering about my own self on this little Journey To Faith that I have been on... God shows up in the messy... and God works wonders in the real... not just little fits and spurts... I'm talking big, huge, fireworks type showing up.

One of my favorite quotes is "Only God can turn a mess into a message, a test into a testimony, a trial into triumph, a victim into victory."  If we let him, He will do his greatest work in and through the greatest messes of our lives.  I am absolutely convinced of this.  It's just so hard to let our walls down and allow Him, and others in.  It's hard to hand over the control we so desperately long for.

It's hard to admit we hurt, we need help, we are lost, we are broken, we are lonely, we are messy.  Accepting and embracing our weakness is not admitting defeat, it's actually accenting our strength.  It is humbly standing before God and asking Him the hard questions. Where are you God?  Do you not see me? Do you not want to bless and help me?  This ultimately allows Him to move us closer and deeper into relationship with Him.  Authorizing Him to be the One in control, letting Him be the hands fiercely holding our feet firmly upon His rock, so the waves of life don't wash us away from His firm foundation.

We don't have to have it all together to be together.  We don't have to hide and lie and cover up and think we surely must be the only one who is failing at life, lacking in love, and sinking in our own sin and shame and sadness.

And I am finding it is utterly freeing, absolute life transforming to just be real... honest... authentic... weak... brave.

It's time to be big, bold, and beautiful.  It's time to just be brave and embrace the mess. It's time to be real, and honest and understanding.  Love yourself, love others, and stop the comparisons.  We were all born with amazing gifts and talents.  Let's all stop stumbling over all the baggage we're trying to cover up and hide.  Just grab the handle and open it all up, dig it out, wash it up, boldly put it out there for all to see.  Live it, learn from it, embrace it.

And let God show up and do His magic.  He has a plan, He has a purpose for your mess and my mess.  We may never fully know or see the extent of His weaving... but we can be assured He is right there with us, and He is ready to show up, along with so many others.  None of us want to journey this mess alone... we all long for someone to carry us, to walk beside us, to support us, to love us unconditionally.  Allow God in, and allow others in.  Open the door to the real mess carefully hidden inside.  Let's welcome each other in. Let's listen to each other, let's be real with each other... and I'm fairly confident we'll all discover we are not alone... we are not the only big, fat, hot mess traveling blindly through life.

Let's embrace this journey called life together.  Let's watch the fireworks in each others lives together as God shows up in big ways, to work big magic, in our big messes.

{ next blog post "13th Anniversary" click HERE }
{ previous blog post "Birth Order" click HERE }

Birth Order

The other day I was posting something on social media. I typed, added a few hashtags, published, and popped back on occasionally to see what kind of response I was getting.

"My deep thinking youngest child just said to me “so, you are almost 42 years old... so you are basically 6x7 years old…" hilarious #mathamaticianinthemaking #neverknowwhathewillthinkofnext #complex8yearoldmind"

And then I actually stopped and looked at it. You know, in reality, he’s actually our middle child. So I hit "edit" and updated my status from "youngest child" to "middle child."

And then I started to overthink it all, worrying about what other people might be thinking. I wondered what other families have done, and what society approves as "socially correct" in this kind of “situation”. So I hit "edit" yet again and just took it out entirely. I replaced it with a safe "Our deep thinking 8 year old just said…" Ugh.

But I kept thinking about it… He really is our middle child. She really was our youngest child. She just isn't here anymore. So how does that work, how practically do we address that, and how much will this actually play a roll in our family’s lives? I do not want to gloss over the loss of a daughter and a sister, but I don't want to manifest on it either. I feel there is a fine line there, and it’s one of those tricky roads straddled between society and personal outlooks.

I have done some reading and research on birth order in the past and have found it all quite intriguing. It's a wonderfully complex way of looking at personality and relationship dynamics and natural tendencies, sometimes due to nature and sometimes due to nurture.

This is the deep stuff I honestly think about and love trying to wrap my mind around…

I am an oldest child, and as I initially looked into the concept of birth order more, I realized (in their theory anyway) what I do and why I am the way I am has been strongly influenced by my own birth order within my family growing up. And, my parents parented my brother and I within the realms of their birth orders and personalities from their childhoods and parents parenting (cue in past generations on repeat…) And now, I have stepped into the intricacies of yet another family, which needs to mix and mesh with the other people and personalities of similar and different birth orders within what is now my immediate family. Add a few layers of divorce, adoption, and a few other related variables, and it just makes for an amazing mixing pot of crazy. (And Lord willing, no one will ever need a kidney!)

Oh dear… did I lose anyone there, or are we still all tracking on the same channel? Do I hear the faint chirp or crickets and see that slight head tilt of the deer-in-headlights starring back at me?

Basically, in a nut shell, we are internally wired and affected by our birth order. Beyond the physical, factual order in which we are born into our families, we are also affected by the amount of years between siblings, and the number of siblings above or below us, and all of those factors in turn play a roll in our psychological development. If you’d like to dive in further - click HERE for my book review on First Born Advantage by Kevin Leman... :-).

So I've continued to think about it, because I just know this is something our son will someday also think about (if he hasn’t already…).  That is just the way his complex little mind is also wired. I promise you, he’ll go there… and if I haven’t attempted to mentally venture there before him and try figure it out, well… let’s just say I have learned it’s just always best if I try at least be somewhat prepared with some sort of quick answer for that little back seat deep thinker of ours…

He really is our middle child. She really was our youngest child.

So basically, he's our youngest middle child.

And maybe that, right there, is my answer!

We need to just start using not one adjective, but two, when explaining and addressing our family's birth order and story. And Lord knows, that youngest middle child of ours has definitely got the required spunk and depth to fully live into a double adjective life!

{ Next blog post "I Do Not Have It All Together" click HERE }
{ previous blog post "Gett'n Your Sparkle Back" click HERE }

Gett'n Your Sparkle Back

So often we allow ourselves to get caught up in the chaos and crazy of every day life. We get lost in the laundry, cooking, cleaning, our weight gain, our jobs, our children’s sports, the spelling words, and math facts.

We don't mean to lose ourselves, we don't try to fade away, but there are seasons when despite our best efforts, it just happens. We slowly become a tired, messy, less sparkly version of ourselves. We forget about who we really are, who we really want to be. We stop asking what God is really wanting us to be accomplishing in the dashes of our lives, that magical little line between the date of our birth and the date of our death. We put what we really want to do and become on the back burner as we get lost and caught up in the already happening, already over-scheduled overwhelm of day-to-day.

I realize my birthday is coming up soon, and I have spent some time allowing myself to think about me, myself, and I. And I guess, if I'm honest - I realize I have lived most of my life being entirely self centered. The woe-is-me story in my head is always, always, always revolving around myself and the things I haven't gotten, I haven't done, I haven't been granted, I haven't achieved, I can't afford, I can't change, I have failed at… And then I turn it all around, so in my mind, it's also never actually about me - it's always about someone else, or something else, that is always the root cause of all of those "haven'ts" above.

Phew, that's a whole lot of time and energy involved in avoiding basic reality.

I've also lived much of my life battling an odd mindset that told me to dream is to be reckless, to pursue and embrace is to be selfish, to acquire and obtain is to be irresponsible. And the times when I did allow myself to do any of those things, I was always left with a marbled mix of guilt, overshadowing whatever accomplishment or achievement of the moment. It left me hesitant and lacking inner self confidence.

As I look deeper into these words, these ideas and beliefs as I'm writing them, I shake my head a little, wondering how I have let all of that become so engrained in my DNA over the last forty-two years. Why is is NOT ok to embrace the dream - to embark on a go-big-or-go-home challenge and mentality for ourselves? Are we not worth it? Will the improvement from within surely not explode exponentially with possibility after it begins to reach and seep from our inside out? Will doing great things and becoming great people surely not cause an amazing ripple effect to everything and everyone surrounding us, touching us, watching us? Will our families not thrive? Will our children and marriages not grow? Will our friends and relationships not flourish?

Yes, Yes, and Yes. Grabbing the horns of self care, soul care, self improvement are not things of shame and guilt, they are things of growth and empowerment. A better YOU makes a better WORLD, one caring touch, one loving word at a time. I believe we honestly need to try figure out how to love ourselves better, so we can fully and completely love those around us better. And we do not need to put that off until another season, another day when we might have more time, more energy, more money, more incentive, more need.

Dare to dream, dare to do something big, dare to do something brave.
Dare to live fully again (or for the first time), dare to do something for YOU and dare to start the adventure TODAY. It's ok to start TODAY, to make the commitment right now.

Spend some time in silence. Spend some time in prayer. Spend some time in daring deep conversation with those near and dear. Listen to the cry of your heart, listen to the whisper of your soul... What is God calling you to do today - what things will grow and blossom you inside and in turn, positively affect all those around you on the outside?

Change is hard, I know it, I get it. Finding a place to just start can be crazy overwhelming. Looking all the way to actual full achievement can be almost paralyzing. But breathe deep and take the challenge, embrace that calling inside that says you can do this, you can achieve this, you can overcome this, you are worth this!

Schedule the massage, get the babysitter, go for a walk, go for coffee, dare to say NO to overbooking and overwhelming your schedule, and your families schedule, with the things that ultimately drain you and leave you empty. Say YES to silence, say YES more things that will fill you, say YES to yourself, to putting yourself first, so you will be able to give your best and first fruits back to God and to those around you.

Don’t listen to the lies of the world, don’t listen to the deceit of your inner demons telling you you’re going to be a failure. Register for that class, that race, that mission trip, that Bible study, that online dating site, that serving opportunity that is way out of your comfort zone. Start the adoption process, write the book, hire the health coach, join the gym, set the goals, start going after whatever it is you have been putting off or you fear is unaccomplishable. Just step out, take the stand, take the steps, take the time to embrace and believe in yourself, love yourself, better yourself, surprise yourself…

Help change the world, by starting with you. Do whatever you need to do, but simply just start the forward trajectory today to get your sparkle back. You are worth it, and you will never regret it!

{ next blog post "Birth Order" click here }
{ previous blog post "Embracing Intervals" click here }

Embracing Intervals

As I'm mentioned in previous posts... I "run" but I an not a "runner."  I have been saying this now for almost two decades.  I wonder if at some point I'm going to have to entertain the idea that maybe perhaps I am a "runner"... who just doesn't "run" very well.

That being said, I have also had completing a half marathon on my bucket list for the past five years. What kind of demented person am I?!? Three years ago I seriously trained for eight months, and never ended up running one.  I got to the 9-10 mile days in my training and I just struggled getting those long runs in, so I let myself just quit. #failure #quitter. Two years ago I was sick and entirely unable to do much of anything.  Last year I had some feet issues and somehow let myself gain over 30 pounds and talked myself out of doing any kind of exercising at all the first nine months of the year.

I'm one of those "perfectionist" people, and that complex carries through in nearly all aspects of my life, including running.  I'm also an overachiever and have somehow always carried in my mind the thought that when it comes to running, walking equals failure on some odd illogical level.  If I'm race training, then that means I felt the need to be running every minute of every mile I put in, and I needed to run every day that I exercised, and if I couldn't achieve that level every single day, then I had failed (and let me clarify race "training" merely means - trying to get enough endurance to "complete" a 5K or a 10K that I had talked myself into thinking I should do, it's NEVER about "winning" anything - it's merely "completing"). I am not even sure where this demented disillusion even came from... but I have found it deeply ingrained in my psyche.

I was always striving for faster and farther, ultimately to burn the most amount of calories in the least amount of time.  I believe that is actually the true reason behind my initial quest to start running.  Calories, weight loss, control.  I first started running about 18 years ago, and I started running plain and simply to burn more calories.  It was something I hated and I was not good at.  It played mind games with me... And it turned into a game of control for me, it was about winning and losing of mind over matter, and I never won... and yet I kept on going back out again, day after day, hoping for some kind of different outcome, which I never got.  I'm not a strong or poised runner, it's not natural, and I let it continue to feed into my view of my own personal failure.

For me running used to be seasonal - I don't run outside until is 56 or warmer, with no wind (good luck with that in spring in Iowa...).  Three years ago we got a treadmill to help my husband with his recovery process after back surgery.  Let's just say, he's been on the treadmill less than 5 total times since then... I on the other hand, started to use it all the time, and that was the first winter I seriously started my race training on a larger more serious scale.  And I also began the battle of trying to also win on the "dreadmill"...  and again, I would watch the seconds slowly tick by, the miles tick even slower... and over and over I would get off feeling defeated.

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we beat ourselves up and convince ourselves we are not good enough because we feel we can only define ourselves "successful" if, and when, we reach some entirely unattainable goal(s) or dream(s) for ourselves?

Running on the treadmill is crazy hard for me.  I just can't will myself to be able to go long distances without stopping and having to walk. I would get off every time feeling like a failure, and then the next morning I think about how I'm going to fail before I even got on it, and will start talking myself out of not even exercising at all... Then I would feel guilty a few days or weeks later and manage to get myself back on... only to not be able to go long distances yet again... and the cycle would continue over and over.

But this year I have finally embraced the reality and practice of intervals.  And it honestly has transformed my mind and my body's ability to perform and find an almost fulfilling achievement. I'm not quite sure why it has taken me this long to finally come to terms with it and just accept it for what it is.  Healthy.  It's just a basic and attainable goal to help reach overall health.  It's not about the number of miles, or the number of calories.

For me, treadmill intervals are a mix of short spurts of inclined power walking with slightly declined running - and I go back and forth between the two throughout my entire workout.  I mix it up by the day.  Sometimes it's split by a set number of minutes, sometimes it's split by a set number of miles. I have stopped gauging my success or failure on the ability, or lack there of, of being able to go an entire workout running without stopping at a set and steady pace. It will be interesting what will happen this year after I transition outside, as I am usually able to better push myself outside into running longer distances without stopping... and even more interesting what will happen once camping season is back in full swing.  I have great hopes of continuing my current exercise schedule, but I remember how quickly I was able to talk myself into doing absolutely nothing at all last summer when it came to diet and exercise personal accountability... and I'm praying that doesn't repeat this year.  But... running on bad gravel roads, seriously ~ in the middle of nowhere, with zero cell coverage for music or running apps...  leaves me shaking my head... The lake is great, for everything except running. But I have been surprising myself over and over this year... so who knows...

But for now I've shifted my daily "fail" or "win" mentality by merely whether I exercised that day or not, period.  Not how long, not how far - just that it was done.  And I intentionally don't even make myself exercise every single day, I allow Sabbath for my body.

For all you real runners and real athletes out there, I'm sure you are rolling your eyes and thinking how this basic life and training principle is not rocket science...  But for those of us who aren't athletic, who are perfectionists, and who aren't natural runners, it really is.  It's been utterly transformational.  When it doesn't come naturally, when it isn't enjoyable, when it isn't easy and fluid, when your mind requires perfection over performance - it totally becomes a battle of will over ability.

Some days my mind triumphs, some days my body trumps.  But by allowing myself the success of allowed intervals I'm allowing a #winwin in both my mind and my body.  They are finally starting to work together as one, rather than against each other as two rivaling forces.  It has changed the trajectory of my mind to that of simply feeling successful rather that always always, always beating myself up in defeat and failure.

I've intentionally been working hard the last six months to make myself stop judging my worth and my performance ultimately by the number of miles I was able to run at one time.  Ultimately it's just about moving more ~ moving more and eating less.  The basic basics of all healthy living.

And all great accomplishments take time.  One day at a time... one mile at a time.  I'm not a failure if I walk.  I'm not a failure if I never complete a 13.1 mile half marathon.

I am not a failure if I am not perfect...

{ next blog post "Gettn'n Your Sparkle Back" click HERE }
{ previous blog post "Babies and Birthdays" click HERE }