The nation elected a president last week and we’re having big conversations in our little home made up of multiracial heritages. As if the adoption struggle of grief, loss and attachment at the core family level isn’t hard enough, we now add the confusion of identity and place within a society and a county where our beautifully tan skinned son is a legal citizen of. I’m also caught up battling and sharing about my weight and my treadmill, on a blog dedicated to sharing about the love and loss of a tiny baby who’s eyes only saw Jesus when they first opened.
And I’m left felling like my words do not matter, and my story is irrelevant.
But that’s actually not true. That’s what is being whispered in my ear. But the pulse within my heart beats something entirely different. God gave me this life, this story, this journey for a reason. And I had decided to share that, in hopes to merely love others well, to share my pain, my shortcomings, my losses and my overcoming victories within a realness that gently tells others they are not alone, they are seen, and their story also matters.
Ultimately, I just want my life to somehow paint God’s light into the darkness.
As I have stumbled along in my journey I have dealt with eating disorders, perfection complexes, divorce, miscarriage, blended home, career changes, infertility, adoption, stillborn loss, and more disappointments than I could have imagined. And yet, through all of those rungs on this ladder of my life, the Lord has continued to be the one at the bottom holding it steady against the wall of His goodness. I’m doing the climbing – one foot slowly in front of the other – but He continues to wake me up each morning for a reason and provide me the next rung. I reach one hand as high above as I can, trying to grab on to the “what’s next,” forcing one hand to always have to hang on through the entire season of that current rung. I continue upward on onward, sometimes wishing it would go faster, sometimes wishing to stay put just a little longer. Always willing myself to trust the lesson and blessing of each season, whether it's visible or felt within that moment or not.
One hand always reaching, one hand always clinging to that which supports me.
The change and shift are always occurring. The growth and risk and are always being presented to me. I know my foundation is firm beneath me as I blindly navigate the unknown beyond me, the next season of my continued journey always on its way.
And my words do matter and my story is relevant, and I need to stop letting society or satan or whoever, tell me otherwise. I was created for a reason, you were created for a reason. Our lives and our stories are meant to meet and weave and create vibrance and beauty in this tapestry of life. So live it - and share it - but most importantly, love it well.
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