Thirteen is actually my lucky number. Thirteen is actually our "golden" anniversary. Thirteen is our "bakers dozen golden" anniversary at that... Thirteen is also the number of miles in a half-marathon, which I also hope to finally cross off my bucket-list this year.
As I was driving to work the other day, I turned the corner in my car and was struck with the random thought... "We have really grown this past year..." and nearly instantly my mind also replied back... "But it isn't because HE has finally changed... It's because YOU have finally changed..."
So often we grumble and nitpick at those closest to us, those sharing the secrets of day-to-day life in the real with us. So often we just wish they would change... they would grow up... they would finally figure out how to do this, or that, or realize they need to stop doing that and start doing all these...
We have fought about finances, we have fought about crazy stupid little things, we have fought about big fundamental life changing things. We have lived through highs and laughter, we have lived through lows and many tears. We have parented in a blended family home, we have parented in an adopted family home, we have parented in an infant loss family home. Sometimes we stood united, sometime we stood divided. Those are all super tricky, super emotional, super hard realms to reside in every single day.
We have weathered the changing of many seasons - both in the physical sense through the passing of time and temperature change outside, as well as the mental sense as each of us internally process, change, grow, and struggle as we journey through our own seasons of ups and downs.
If I'm totally honest, there were times - many times - I did not want to continue on. I wanted to bow out and walk away, run away as fast and as far as I could. But I did that once before and swore I would never ever live through that, or put my children through that again. So I stayed... and we trudged onward... we survived, but we didn't always thrive. He stayed busy doing his things (hunting, fishing, archery, working...) and I stayed busy doing my things (scrabpooking, running, drinking coffee, working...). We saw each other in passing, we shared parenting responsibilities, we occasionally took a moment or two together.
I've said over and over again that I know I am a difficult person to live with, and I would NOT want to have to live with me. Phew - no thanks. I am stubborn, emotional, strong willed, and have a perfection complex - which doesn't just affect me... oh no - it affects every single person and every single item they own within our home. I whined and complained that no one saw me, no one helped me, yet when they did ~ I nitpicked and tore them apart because whatever they did wasn't good enough.
God has been patiently trying to work on me, pricking my heart and soul with the reality of my issues and harshness... But it wasn't until about two and a half years ago that He finally brought me to a point of fully waking me up to all my ugliness and reality. He took my hand and led me down a path to a journey of loss I did not ask to be on, absolutely did not want to be on, a refiners fire hotter and harder than anything I'd ever experience before... and I turned around and grabbed onto my husbands hand and hung on for dear life.
And he never once let me go. He clung to me with all his might, and he continued to love me through my ugly, through my anger, through my utter lost-ness. He loved me unconditionally and proved himself over and over and over.
The last two years have been a mix of both really hard and really good. One of the best things that came out of the loss of our daughter, was making the decision to get a permanent camping spot at a campground we had never even been at. We knew no one, we just knew we needed to be near a hospital. That decision has been absolutely life altering for us individually, and for us as a couple. We have allowed ourselves to rest, slow, heal... we have come to embrace life and our love on the shores and decks of that campground. The friendships we have made with others, and the growth we have made with each other cannot be described.
And out of that place of rest and healing for me, has come a place of growth and change. I've allowed myself time to grieve, time to process, time to pray, time to rest, time to read, time to write, time to fall in love completely with my family, time to take down my walls and discover true friendships, time to face some of my inner demons and begin the work of identifying and releasing them. I've allowed myself to be loved and valued for the real me, not worrying so much about my failures and my inabilities. Our family has been embraced by so many who openly love us and support us, even with all our little quirks and odd dynamics.
I realize I still have so incredibly far to go... but I have been diligently working on healing and growing, and my husband has given me so much freedom and support in that mission. He has allowed me to publicly share a very private story of our loss - as it's not just my story to share - it is OUR story... he has allowed and encouraged me to be real, be brave, be vulnerable, be relational... and it's allowed me to start becoming a better me, a happier me, a fuller and richer me. I'm still pretty crazy "out there" I realize, but hopefully my heart and soul are a little less hard and harsh as it touches those around me, especially those closest to me within the walls of our little, messy home. A home that has had much less frustrated and upset people living inside it these days. There's still occasional fights and disagreements... there's still occasional "hangry" attacks and meltdowns... but it has markedly amazed me when I stop to really think about it, about how in this current season of our lives and marriage, we have grown.
We have finally got some pretty good tools in our toolboxes to help us identity and live in the reality of life's "hard" and we've figured out the benefit of actually knowing we need to use them well. I know life is all about cycles and seasons, and we may very well roller coaster right back to the rough and rumble we have bumped along through for so long in the past... but for now, for today, for this season, I am so grateful for the grace and forgiveness of my husband and family as they have journeyed beside me all these years.
Tomorrow we will celebrate thirteen years. Thirteen years of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Thirteen years of reality and honest love (which quite honestly, doesn't always look like love) through the ups and downs. Thank you for choosing me all those years ago. Thank you for allowing a second chance in my life and choosing to hold my hand and enter a new future together. Thank you for not letting go, even when I know you wanted to. Thank you for not changing, and thank you for your patience as you wait and weather the never-ending seasons of my growth and change.
While I know we are not guaranteed tomorrow, and we are not guaranteed tomorrow together... I surely hope God will grant His favor upon us that we may continue onward and upward together through many many more adventurous years to come.
[Love you snot-loads babe!]
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Thank you for being so real, Sara! This post was very encouraging to me. Much of what we see online documents "perfect" lives, and it is good to know that I am not alone in living an imperfect one - imperfect, but continuing to grow and receive grace.
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