When You're Not Enough

I have spent my whole life feeling and battling an inner war and whisper that I wasn't enough.

I wasn't thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, social enough, athletic enough, fast enough. I didn't earn enough, work enough, rest enough, balance the chaos enough. I didn't read the Bible, pray, go to church, volunteer enough. I wasn't talented enough and surely my house was never clean enough.

I wasn't mom enough, wife enough, daughter enough, friend enough. I didn't eat healthy enough, sleep enough, exercise enough, play with my kids enough. I didn’t love my husband enough, I wasn't fertile enough, I wasn’t friendly enough, and I didn't give to others enough.

I have spent my whole life striving for this unattainable bar of perfection. I have strived endlessly attempting to simple be enough, but I never was.

I did not love me, myself, and I enough.

And that, right there, I think is the key to all of my other "not enough's". If we don't allow ourselves to actually (and fully) love ourselves, we will never be able to grow, and change, and flourish into being allowed (and able) to be enough for anyone else, or in any other aspect or avenue of our lives.

The simple reality is - I AM not enough, and I never will be.

I am who I am, and that has to, at some point, just be good enough, and acceptable enough, to both myself and to the world at large around me. God created me, specifically, as a special child of God, His beloved daughter - He designed and created me with all my little quirks and filled the DNA of my soul with many gifts and talents. There is no other me anywhere in the whole wide world. Why couldn’t… isn’t… wouldn’t.. that be enough to make me “enough”?

I'm starting to learn that figuring out the trickiness of unselfish love of ourselves is the grand tether to everything else in and around us. It is the instigation, the integration, and the acceptance of our imperfections, flaws, limitations, and failures. It’s what keeps us connected to God, and to others, and allows us to be infinitely attached and drawn tighter, closer in, with each cycling revolution of our journeys.

I have to continue to learn how to strive towards, how to embrace my "not enough’s" and make them be "enough." I need to step out in confidence, that I don't need to continue to be weighed down by my probably made up, not even real perceptions of the worlds "I'm not enough" that I have fabricated in my crazy little mind of mine. I have allowed all my fears and doubts to create issues, and problems, and realities within me that aren't even real, or at least not real on the scale in which I have blown them up to be.

No, I am not enough, and that is ok, because I was never created to be enough.

It's in all my “not enough” - that is exactly where God has called me to find and create my fullness and my greatness. He has equipped me with strength, and determination, perseverance, and ultimate success and greatness in my "not enough".

If I had always been enough, I would have never needed God, and wouldn’t continue to need Him every day, every hour, every minute of my life. I would have never suffered, pushed, failed, hurt, wept, mourned, grown, questioned, been disappointed, persevered, overcome… In all those very trials and weaknesses, that is where we break and bleed and need to drag ourselves over and over back to the cross and lay at the feet of Jesus, tired and broken and utterly lost.

In that brokenness, in that open gaping hole in our hearts, in all that “not enough-ness” is the exact spot where God seeps in and fills us with the salve and the magic to heal and move us towards something better, often something far greater than we could have ever dreamed or imagined for ourselves.

He is our enough in our not enough. And we need to let Him be our "enough." As much as we don’t want to admit it or want it to be the reality, we are not enough because we are not in control, we are not perfect, we are not without sin, we can not do life alone. And I think my friends, that that is enough. That simple truth, filled with all its glory, and grace, and forgiveness, and freedom is what needs to be our enough.

May all of our “not enough’s” stop being the things that continue to blind us, bind us, bring us down, hurt us, hold us back. May all our “not enough’s” actually be the forward pathways to help us along our journeys to find, become, know, and succeed. Through Christ we actually can, and will finally and fully be enough in all our “not enough’s”.

I’ve come to realize this is not an easy and instant fix. It’s not an easy and instant mind change. It’s hard, really hard, and it’s all part of our process, our grand journey through that magic dash between the dates of our birth and the dates of our death. We need to wake up every morning decide it’s ok to love ourselves. We get to wake up every morning decide it’s ok to love ourselves, because God created us, and has allowed us to. We just have to figure out the balance of give and take, and guilt, and submission, amid all the internal and external facts, realities, myths, and mysteries.

Let's all try love ourselves, love others, and decide to just be enough, in all of our "not enough’s".

{next post "Reaching Small Goals"}
{ previous post "The Living Room of My Heart"}

Word for 2022 - Enough

Well hello strangers.

My apologies. I have zero excuses as to my silence. I’ve been busy, I’ve been surviving, I’ve been dancing that delicate balance of just “living” these past few days (…months …years)

I really did have some grand intentions to get back on here regularly this summer, but I found I just can’t do it all. I can’t do all the things, so I continued to just let the blog go for a while. And I may continue to let it be for a long time forward, perhaps forever… I don’t honestly know. However, I do love to write, so I’m going to hope that someday I can regularly find my way back here again.

So what brings me here today… Well, in just a few short days is the start of a brand new year. 2021 is nearly over and 2022 is already knocking. And I am in full on survival mode yet from 2020 if I’m totally honest, and as I sit here telling myself I need to start looking ahead, start figuring out my new goals and hopes and plans for 2022, I just find my heart hurting, and my soul shrinking inward even farther than it already is hiding.

I don’t wanna. I do not want to do anything.

I want to stop all the things. I don’t want to work, I don’t want to workout, I don’t want to start or stop or continue anything. I don’t want to run, or walk, or bike, or elliptical, or row, or hit play, or pick up one single weight. I don’t want to cook, or bake, or clean, or help anyone do anything. I don’t even want to read, or write, or scrapbooking at this current moment.

I want to crawl in bed, in the dark, with the electric blanket turned up high, and sleep and lay tucked far far away under all the safety of my blankies, hidden in my very own bedroom..­. Zero responsibilities, zero cares, zero talking, zero doings of anything.

Yup, this is what my current weary mind is whispering to me, taunting me, tantalizing me, tempting me… pulling me inward and begging me to give in to the silence and stillness it so desperately thinks I need. Some of it is truth, but lots of it is the lie of depression and anxiety.

But you know what… in my current forty-six years of living, I also know that if and when I do finally give in, or give out, and comply with the “nothing” my mind is telling me to grant myself, that I know that that same mind won’t allow me to simply just climb in and “be.” I may be able to give my body the rest it needs, but my mind however, is always another story. Again, more of the intricate lacing in my mind that’s woven and braided amid sanity and depression and anxiety.

I know as I would lay there trying to obey the weary whines of my every exhausted muscle and bone, trying to give myself the rest and grace I know it needs, my mind … well my mind will continue to have a mind of it’s own. And I know the longer I would lay, and the longer I would attempt to do nothing but rest and recoup, the louder my mind will start its next set of whispers and lies… the ones telling me that I’m not enough.

That I’m not busy enough, thin enough, strong enough, smart enough, rich enough, bold enough, quiet enough… Not a good enough wife, mom, soon-to-be grandma, daughter, sister, employee, friend, stranger… Get up girl! Do more! Be more! Get more!

LORD HAVE FREAKING MERCY ALREADY!

I’ve spent nearly my entire life in battle with this. I know it merely is what it is, and time and time again I know I need to figure out how to just get over it… and I obviously have not been able to do a very good job at it.

So, as I look to 2022 and wonder – Well, what should I all attempt to do / reach / overcome THIS year?? I just can’t help but want to just attempt to actually do nothing at all. Or at least go in with zero expectations of anything.

No milage goal. No weight goal. No preset races and training schedules. No book reading list. No budget expectations (but not meaning I’m allowing myself to be free to spend and spend – no, just wanting zero expectations on my attempt to NOT spend in my incessant drive to try to save and to justify overworking.).

No goals, no resolutions, no expectations.
Simply allowing whatever to just be enough.

Enough. Such an incredibly power packed word that carries so much weight. Oh that one word really can carry the entire weight of the world inside it can’t it? Enough.

I believe this is the word I will assign to the year 2022. Enough. Although I really have no idea how to simply allow myself (or anyone else if I’m honest) to simply be … enough …. But I don’t think I’m going to even allow myself any more time of contemplation over it right now.

Looking back, some of my recent word of the years have been:
2017 = Less
2018 = Contentment
2019 = Just Be
2020 = Focus
2021 = there was no word, so by default it was basically Survival
2022 = Enough.

And for now, that is going to just be enough.

I shall settle on this word, and settle on the agreement with myself of setting zero anything for myself in 2022, attempting to allow myself to somehow simply be “enough” exactly as I already am.

Maybe I'll figure out how to finally just be enough to me, myself, and I over this next twelve months, and maybe I won't. But I'm going to attempt to allow myself to go into 2022 free and clear of all the things.   (Easier said than do, oh yes I surely know!) Hopefully I'll surprise myself by what I'll all get done and figured out... then again, maybe I honestly won't do a darn single thing and I'll find myself sitting in this exact same place in a year.

Maybe I'll be rested and ready to move mountains in 2023, maybe I'll still be the weary hot mess I've been in, I honestly just don't know. But, I'm going to allow myself to be ok with not knowing and not even trying to figure out how to figure it out right now.

Enough. As I am... where I am... how I am... right now. Enough

Previous blog post {  Three Songs, Three Hours  } HERE

 

Next blog post { Run Like the Wind Bullseye Challenge } HERE

Confidence in Her Un-confidence

I read something that really struck me this week.

“You will always be too much of something for someone;
Too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy.
If you round out your edges, you lose your edge.
Apologize for mistakes.
Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone-profusely.
But don’t apologize for being who you are.” (Danielle LaPorte)

I realize I have talked about this before, but really, my whole life I feel that I have lived with this feeling, this perception, that I have always been a little “too much” and a lot “not enough."

I was too loud, too imperfect, too lost, too bold, too different, too heavy, too impulsive, too… well I could go on and on. And mixed right in with all of that was also this feeling and perception that I have never been enough. Never skinny enough, smart enough, athletic enough, happy enough, graceful enough, doing enough, making enough, providing enough. Never… never… never…

So I have basically spent forty three years of my life chasing around my own tail. Running in circles trying to create, and please, and overcome, and perfect myself to the bar and standards set by the society around me and the unrealistic demons whispering their mantras within me. I’ve listened to the lies and propaganda and been sucked in to the shame game over and over and over.

Two years ago I reached a point when it all became just too much.

The loss, the tragedy, the unmet expectations, the imperfections, the disappointments all just got too high and came crashing down all around me.

I finally begin the hard and tedious work of plowing into some of this mess head on. The health and fitness. The inner healing and growth. The spiritual forgiveness and grace. I have read, prayed, run, slept, intentionally connected, been open and vulnerable. I have willed myself to stop numbing and try to fully feel, to fully hurt, to fully process, to fully start unpacking some of the junk weighing down the suitcase of life that I’m dragging along behind me.

It has not been easy. It has been long and grueling and exhausting. It has also been unbelievably life transformational.

I have made a few inches forward I think, but still have miles and miles in front of me to continue on trudging through.

Over the last two years I have decided to be honest and real on things I’ve felt, experienced, wanted, lost, needed, didn’t understand. I have decided to share and talk openly about things I’m not proud of, things I’m held hostage to, things I know I need to change but can’t.  I've also allowed myself to openly talk about things I've done, things I've accomplished, things I've struggled through and made some progress on.

I’ve decided to stop trying to change, and conform, and remold myself... and simply try and own my “too much’s” and my “not enough’s”.

Believe me, this sounds much easier than it’s actually been, but basically I guess I have decided to just have confidence in my un-confidence. I’ve decided to try and be “more than” in all of my “less than."

 I have decided to try love myself as I am rather than hate myself for all that I’m not.

I’ve decided I’m worth putting my own self on my own to-do list, and that it’s ok to put myself on the top line, rather than the bottom. And it’s ok not to erase myself off that list when it gets too long and something needs to be taken off. It’s ok to take time to exercise every day, and do my devotions, and order my groceries online, and even treat myself to a massage after running a half marathon. Heck, it's even ok to believe in myself and allow myself to train and actually run a half marathon... that is actually the real accomplishment, not just the justification for a massage...

It’s ok to let the ten year old wear whatever he wants to school and eat ice cream and little debbie's for breakfast. It’s ok to live in a house filled with clutter and mess and not need to be clean every moment of every day.

I’ve decided to try work through those feeling of selfishness, and shame, and uncertainty… and just try figure out who it is that God really created me to be, and what it is that God really created me to do, and what it is God has created me to say through my words and actions every day.

I am not “all that” and I never will be. I am not “perfect” and never will be. I am not “all together” and never will be. I am not the perfect wife, mom, daughter, housekeeper, friend, employee… and I never will be. Of course I will still die trying to be, because that’s just the nature of the blood coursing through my every vein and vessel of my body. I’ve been hardwired with a perfection complex and it has fed and thread it’s way through all of me and all of my relationships. It’s kept me from trying a lot of things, it’s kept me from a lot of happiness, and it’s kept me from enjoying a lot of life’s moments and memories. It’s made me incredibly hard to love and even harder to live with. It’s made me snappy, and crabby, and exhausted, and feeling lost and defeated for years and years and years.

And you know what, I’m still crabby and exhausted and hard to love and live with. And I’m still lost and defeated all the time. But I’m trying to simply learn to be ok with that. To stop trying to change that, to perfect that, to stop that, to overcome all that.

It’s ok to not be ok.

It’s ok to say no to things, it's ok to say yes to other things.  It's ok to fall apart at the seams, and it's ok to do what I need to do to pick myself back up and put my pieces back together again.  And it's ok if that doesn't happen overnight.  It's ok if that takes five years, or longer.  It's ok to mourn, it's ok to celebrate, it's ok to cry, it's ok to laugh.  It’s ok to post selfies, to get tattoos, to get odd places pierced, and to go to bed at 8:30pm.  It's also ok to choose to say no to the food you have chosen to not eat, even when it’s awkward and inconvenient and no one seems to really understand or care.

It’s ok to leave my raw, edgy, sharp corners just exactly the way they are... raw, edgy, and sharp.

I’m trying to dim, lessen, not see, not dwell on the bad things about myself that are continually trying to blind me, so that I can more clearly see, hear, touch those around me who are also hurting, and lost, and exhausted, and desperately needing to be loved and seen and encouraged. I'm trying to look outward more, and inward less.

It’s trying to give myself and others much more grace and much less of all my unattainable expectations.

I will never “arrive” this side of Heaven. I will always struggle, I will always battle, I will always be lost and I need to stop letting all that make me hide and cower and beat myself up over.

I hope to simply continue to strive to be more fully accepting (of both myself and others), to be confident in my un-confidence, and to push to be the me who I really am, without apologizing.

It's ok to be too much, and it’s ok to never be enough - because the truth is, we really are enough, and we really are perfect, because we were created in the image and likeness of God.

 Let me just say that one more time… we were created, on purpose, to be exactly who we are, in the image and likeness of God.  He creates only the best, the most beautiful, and the most perfect.  He did not envision or create you or I to be anything less than that.  He knew what He was doing, and He smiled when He was done.

“You will always be too much of something for someone;
Too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy.
If you round out your edges, you lose your edge.
Apologize for mistakes.
Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone-profusely.
But don’t apologize for being who you are.” (Danielle LaPorte)

{ Previous blog post "Summer Evolution Growth to Rest" HERE }

{ Next blog post "Days When I Am Done" HERE }

Touch Of Heaviness

Tonight I find myself aimlessly walking through the house, a touch of heaviness coursing through me, something I sort of haven’t felt in a while. I catch my reflection in the mirror and hear the hissing whisper of insecurity, I can almost feel the spittle from the silent inner breath trying to convince myself I’m not enough, reminding me of my shortcomings, my failures, my lack, my weaknesses.

I feel the drive, the energy, the determination slowly dissipating. The lethargy, the defeat, the frustrating indifference slowly seeping in to refill their void. I feel I’m losing my resolve, losing my focus, losing my will to continue forward, to remain strong. I feel the shackles of weight gain and I can’t help but wonder just where this is coming from.

Why now, why this change… with a bigger question screaming within… what if I can’t overcome this? What if today continues on through tomorrow, and tomorrow into next week? What if yesterday was actually the last day of my control, of my quest for health, of my semblance of self control still somewhat resting within my hands?

I’ve worked so hard, for so long. I’ve fought this particular battle for almost two years now. Yet, in the past, I have always failed. I have always fallen off the wagon, I have always gained all the weight back and ended up back at square one, defeated, and usually with a few extra pounds in tow.

It always happens, it’s just a matter of time.
I just really didn’t want it to happen again this time.

This time, this quest, I’ve not allowed it to just be about the weight.  I’ve forced myself to deal with my health and myself, all of myself, from inside out. Mind, body, and soul. I’ve made myself open doors, expose skeletons, wrestle demons, and begin slowly destroying the walls of my own unobtainable expectations, one little brick at a time.

The wall I’ve built around myself over the last forty-three years is stacked so high with my expectations, my perfections (or lack there of), my misconceptions. It just gets higher and higher, mortared and anchored tight by the fear, and anxiety, and control issues associated simply by believing the whisper that’s always telling me I have never been enough.

I’ve never been popular enough, smart enough, thin enough, athletic enough, pretty enough, quiet enough, graceful enough. I’ve never been a stellar wife, or mom, or daughter, or friend. I’ve probably always gotten an A for effort, but always fallen just short of actually achieving the final grade.

So, here I sit tonight, again at the crossroads, at the precipice of wanting to hold on just a little longer while also wanting to jump ship all together. I’m one of those who has no in between. It’s all in or all out. This falls true in every aspect of my life. Food, alcohol, exercise… just to name a few. I cannot allow myself an inch, because I’ll fall a mile and then some. And I fall quick and I fall hard.

I’ve been fighting the “falling off” moment for a long time. Heck I’ve been fighting the “falling off” moment since before I even got on, before I got the courage and gumption to even get started. I can go back and read and remember time and again that I’ve been here, on this same strugglebus heavy with anticipation and dread.

Yes, I have stood here time and time again. Yes, I have allowed this be the defining moment of defeat time and time again. Yes, I have fought this to not be that moment time and time again over the past two year.

I want this time to be different. I really and honestly do. I want to succeed long term this time. I want to love myself fully, as fully as God loves me. I want to be enough for myself, as I know God created me, in His very imagine, and called me good… no, not just good… He created me and called me very good. If God created me to be enough in His eyes, why in the world is it so hard for me to be enough in my own eyes?

I’ve continued to hold on, continued to dig in my nails, and inch along “just a few more days” now for over a year. I scroll back though photos of a year ago, through blog posts and social media posts from a year ago… and I am not as on point, on course, die hard, dedicate, determined as I was then. I’m still plodding along, but the sparkle is fading. The glitter and glitz and glam is growing dangerously dim.

I’m faced yet again with the choice to either wake up tomorrow and seize another day, or sleep in and allow myself to slip just a little bit farther down this slippery slippery slop that I’m already losing my footing on. Do I wake up and make myself get out there before dawn, or wake up and pass on the goal, pass on the reality at hand, pass on the hope of tomorrow, pass on the promise of today, pass on the improvement over yesterday?

“To be or not to be, that is the question...” I believe is one of those famous quotes I would have to google search to give proper credit to. It’s late and I’ll leave that up to you, and my apologies for whomever I am not giving proper credit to.

Not giving proper credit to… Interesting concept. I think about this a little… I type these words again… Not giving proper credit to… I stop and really look at these words, realizing it’s not just about some random person who stated the above quote one day, but also it’s to myself, and even more importantly, it’s to God that I’m also not giving proper credit to. I have done the work, put in the miles, logged the food points, continued to work through the inner junk now for two years - and in reality it is a little silly to consider that one rough night, one night of depression and weakness might be just enough to turn me back around and allow me to quit, allow me to throw it all away.

I need to look beyond myself, beyond my lack and my insecurities and also see all that God has given me in this season, all that He has blessed me with in this journey right now, all He has brought me to and through over the past two years. Here I am all worried and upset about letting myself down, but it’s really God that is the one I’d also be letting down, if I just turn the perspective around - away from myself. He’s the one pushing me and pulling me along, ever so gently, ever so graciously, ever so lovingly. He has created and crafted me, He has given me gifts and talents, He has given me purpose and reason, He has given me undue forgiveness, repeated and unnecessary second chances. I must remember to give Him credit due, as I stumble and flounder just a little.

I can’t do this on my own, and it’s tough moments like right now that remind me of that, and I’m grateful. Grateful for the inner whisper, grateful for the promise of better, grateful for the reality of forever. Forever in Heaven, away from the sin of the world, away from the insecurities and imperfections. Grateful the trials of tonight will just continue to mold me and melt me and reshape me more and more into that which I was actually created and intended to be. 

They say there won’t be sadness in Heaven. Or sickness, or weariness, or false realities. I’m also hoping there won’t be treadmills and diets and calories and weight watchers meeting in Heaven either. But all joking aside… tonight I am struggling, and I admit it. And I know I’m not the only one. I’m sure there is a sea of us right now with heavy hearts and weary souls, not wanting to get up and tackle another day tomorrow. We want to give up, check out, take the easy road and just call it good enough. But we also know that good enough never actually is good enough.

But why can’t it be? Why can’t good enough just simply be enough?

Oh goodness, this is all starting to make my mind hurt. My eyes are heavy, and I'm just too tired to keep caring, to keep fighting it all, to keep fighting myself.  I have been stumbling over this damn fallen log of being "enough" my entire life.  You would honestly think at some point I would finally figure out how to just cut it up in little pieces and remove it entirely... but I can't.  No matter what I do, I still have to fall into, climb over, shimmy around, and jump down from this obstacle blocking the yellow brick road on my journey to oz.

I desperately want to be able to do it all, and be it all, and have it all... all by myself... but I can't.  So I shall simply close my mind and open my heart and admit I can't do this all on my own.  And well... I don't need to. I don't need to do it all on my own.  I have a mighty God behind me, before me, beside me, rooting and cheering me on.  And I have a small tribe of friends and family who love me beyond comprehension and are also waving me along as I continue down this path, on this one single life that I have been given.

I am weary.  My heart is heavy.  But, I am grateful.

{ Previous Blog post "Go The Extra Mile" HERE }

{ Next Blog Post "First Day of the 2nd Half of the Year HERE }

Boston Marathon ... Of All Things

It’s Sunday morning and I’m laying in bed.

I got up early and got a #sevenmilesunday workout in and did my devotions. But, then I climbed back in bed and I let myself sit on my phone for a while, mindlessly scrolling through endless posts and photos of everyone else’s great moments and stellar perfections.

And you know what it ultimately led me to ~ I actually google searched what time you need to finish a full marathon in to qualify for the Boston Marathon. Then I googled when the Boston Marathon even is.

I have zero desire to ever run a real marathon, so what in the world just possessed me to do that?!?! I’m obviously still not a real runner, because those are two facts that I’m sure real runners already all know. Two facts real runners already are diligently working towards, not sitting in bed merely dreaming about.

Wait - what?!? Suddenly I’m allowing my mind to tell me I’m not a real runner because I will never be able to run 26.2 miles at a 7 minute mile (or less) pace?!? Good Gandhi Sara! My brain might not directly be telling me this, but social media is surely trying to convince my brain otherwise… At lease Instagram is. Or at least I am allowing instagram to…

I do love instagram. I follow adorable yorkies, and amazing cake artists, great Bible quotes and spiritual truths, and inspirational writers, and stunning photographers, and home decorators, and inspirational, hard working people wrestling the same beast of getting healthy and in shape as I am. But, I also follow several runners and running associated pages, you know - real runners, serious athletes, that run for.a.living. They have sponsors, and trainers, and whatever else real runners all have.

Saturday and Sunday posts are always full of runners updates and race results and garmin watch shots and tiny, toned, sweaty bodies with huge smiles and metals around their necks. Several qualified for the Boston Marathon this weekend. Some didn’t. Most had amazing times attached to amazing distances that they absolutely dominated. I can get done with my own workout feeling pretty darn good about myself and my accomplishments, and then I see someone post something and they just went twice as far in less than half the time. Ugh.

Instagram - it’s one of the places I go to find encouragement and motivation, but it’s also one of the places that often leaves me feeling utterly defeated and worthless.

I know I can’t be the only one who struggles with this whole social media mayhem. Why in the world do we allow this to happen to us every single day?!? Why in the world do I sometimes post and probably even feed into it all?!?

Most days I have hard time just getting on my treadmill every morning. I haven’t run outside hardly at all since I ran my half marathon nearly a month ago. It’s cold out, and I’m using that as my great excuse right now. So I’m back on my treadmill, and I run at a slower pace and find it much harder than it was when I was half marathon training outside (and I thought running outside was crazy hard, if that gives you any perspective). I feel I’ve lost an incredible amount of speed and distance by moving from the outdoors to the basement, all that work for all those months outside, all for nothing. But, so far anyway, I am still faithfully getting up and getting it done, but I am feeling a little lost, a little aimless, a little worthless, a little restless as I sit here right now. And it’s only November. I cannot imagine what I’m going to be battling by the time March and April finally arrive.

I am signed up for several virtual races coming up through the winter. Most are 10k’s and I know I’m going to have to do them on my treadmill, and I already know I’m going to be super disappointed in my completion time and overall performance. But, it is giving me something to continue onward with, something to continue training for. In a few weeks I will also officially reenter into into half marathon training again. I am hoping the first thing I do on my 43rd birthday is complete my second official half marathon. But time will have to tell on the actuality of that hope.

As I sit here and look back at what I’m thinking and writing right now, I can’t help but laugh a little… I feel as all over the place and as lost and in circles as I do every morning battling away on my treadmill. Going around and around but not actually getting anywhere.

So what am I trying to put together here, what exactly am I trying to say or think or process??

I think transition is hard. I think I am a little lost in the “less” of not officially half marathon training right now, while also gratefully basking in the rest from the intensity of all that that was.

I also think there is a fine line between inspiration and utter deflation, and that we need to be careful where we turn to and who we get our support and ultimate direction and determination from. I think social media has a time and a place and can be a wonderful tool to help keep one going forward, keep one accountable, keep one motivated by those who are out there also doing it, who are also being strong, and brave, and vulnerable. I also think we have to sooo guard our minds and our hearts from the obsessive reverse attack that it can also cause and overtake.

We have to be careful of that fine line… The very thin line between worth and worthlessness. The line between motivation and inspiration-killer. The line between strength and weakness. The line between growth and being completely cut down. The line between moving forward and being drug backward.

If I continue to allow myself to get sucked into the social media lies I let quietly creep in, my house will never be decorated cute enough, my pace will never be fast enough, my miles will never be far enough, my dog will never be young enough, my photos will never be stunning enough, my family will never be perfect enough, my weight will never be low enough, my meals will never be tasty enough, my cakes will never be fancy enough, my story will never be special enough, my journey will never be worthy enough…

But that does not mean that I am never actually not enough exactly the way that I am. Because I am. I am enough, because God created me to be enough exactly the way that I am … only most days I struggle seeing and believing that amid the onslaught of everyone else’s above and beyond enough’s and perceived public perfections.

May I seek my validation and incentive from above and from those around me rather than those through the little rectangle I’m holding in my hand. May I seek my ultimate motivation and direction from above and from those around me rather than the screen of my laptop or computer in front of me. May the light that fills me come above and from those around me rather than from the luminescent glow of an impersonal electronic device, void of any physical interaction, touch, taste, or logical reasoning.

As I read just yesterday (on instagram of course ~LOL) “I am enough. Who I am is enough. What is do is enough. And what I have is enough.” - flexitpink.com

You are enough. Who you are is enough. What you do is enough. What you have is enough.

We. Are. Enough.

Don’t let anything sneak inside you and whisper to you anything different.

(PS - if you travel at a pace that is intentionally faster than a walk, you my friend ARE a real runner!)

{Previous Blog Post "Restless" HERE }

Feeling Lost

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve sat down to write anything.

It’s been a pretty crazy last eight plus weeks. I’ve trained and run some big races this spring (Birthday Half Marathon, Faith’s 25K, Hot Chocolate 15K, Girls Run the World 15K, and the Running For the Angels 5K on Mother’s Day). I admit I am struggling a little with fully having my head in the training game. Some of it’s fatigue, some of it’s perhaps “been there done that”, some of it just life’s transitions and timing at this moment in my life. A year ago this week I ran my first half marathon. A year ago I achieve, conquered, something I never dreamt I would be able to actually do. And then I’ve gone on and done it twice more since!

All that aside, because really, who wants to keep hearing me ramble about my stupid love/hate obsession with running and health right now… my apologies.

Actually, no.

While I do find this odd urge to apologize over and over again for nearly all things in my life (good and bad), I know I don’t need to. Without sounding brass, I am wresting through coming to grips to fully love and accept my own life for what it is, without feeling like I need to apologize and carry any guilt. I do not need to feel guilty for choosing to do less, for going to the lake, for putting my family expectations before society expectations, for choosing to love myself and putting myself as priority in my own life.

In the last eight weeks I also received that first whisper, that first heart flutter of emotion, those first throws of indecision, processing, compromise, and change. One morning out of the blue I received an innocent little message simple stating “someone’s retiring in the department, they just posted her job, you should apply!” Eight weeks later I am one month into that new job. I wrestled through the pro’s and con’s, but ultimately felt completely confident in God’s calling and direction on this job opportunity yet again in my life. I didn’t fight it, I didn’t ignore it, for once I listened to that small still voice of God as He whispered and quickly re-navigated my life’s course once again.

The very first week, the very first day, I found myself with absolutely no regrets. I found myself also fighting this darn pricking guilt every time I talked about it to anyone from, or associated with, my previous job, feeling that I needed to underplay how much I really was enjoying my new job. I hadn’t been looking for another job, I had really enjoyed my previous job and loved the people I worked with. I just also felt a very clear calling that I needed to embrace this unexpected opportunity in front of me to go back to a department and job I had worked within for fifteen years before. It’s been truly a “coming home” experience for me. All that aside, as I found myself in a conversation with someone I had worked with before, I stopped and admitted that the new job wasn’t just “going ok” I was actually really loving it. And then actually admitted I felt guilty saying that out loud to anyone. He had looked at me and said that he was glad to hear that I did love the new job, otherwise, my leaving would have been perhaps a waste to have to go through the growing pains of this major change.  They were glad to know it was truly what was the right thing for me to be doing at this time.

Now, where am I going with all of this yammering you might be thinking… Well, this morning as I stood in darkness of my camper kitchen at the lake listening and watching my coffee maker brew my first hot and strong cup of weekend coffee, I tilted my head slightly thinking about the concept of always feeling like I’m “lost” in life, that I’m never quite there yet, that I’m never fully happy, or arrived, or comfortable, or finished, or complete. I’ve lived my whole life always feeling a little off, a little different, a little behind, a little not enough (ok, a lot not enough). I’ve always longed for more, strived for perfection, never been fully happy, never completely satisfied, never ultimately settled once and for all. And all my life I’ve let that fester and pick at me inside.

I spent nearly my entire life thinking it was me, that there was something wrong with me (mentally, physically, spiritually, the whole gamut). I was always a little more deep, more intense, more questioning, more rebellious, more openly lost than everyone else it seemed. But over the past few years, as I’ve finally started to open up and be more vulnerable and real on a larger scale, I’ve come to realize it’s not just me, there is a whole wide world of individuals struggling along in life, also feeling not enough, also feeling alone and lost.

It makes my heart sad and heavy as I think about how many people are silently suffering, struggling, hurting, and alone around me, as we walk through day by day in a society and time when we all feel compelled to live a life covered with a mask, within photoshopped perfection, and not fully admitting our griefs, our questions, our struggles, not openly celebrating and sharing our real and colorful journeys God has “blessed” us all with.

We think we need to hide, to downscale, to cover up, to lessen that which we excel at, and puff up, exaggerate, gloss over that which we aren’t as good at. And for the life of me I don’t know why. All my life this has been a question and a battle within me. All my life I’ve tried to live a more open, honest, vulnerable, real, authentic life … and it’s left me feeling that the world has always looked at me and not quite known what to do with me.

Yes, I stood there this morning wondering how I can still be feeling a little lost, still be struggling a little, still feeling insecure and not enough. Did God not clearly show me a new direction, bless me with a new opportunity? Did I not obey? Did I not embrace this change with all my being and jump in willingly with both feet? Yes… yes I did. I dove into this transition and have done all I can to not let it entirely derail me and my family in the interim. I’ve tried to allow myself and others in my family the grace we need to weather another storm of change. I’ve tried to embrace the pro’s and quietly forget the con’s that come with this change. I’ve tried to just put one foot in front of the other and do all that I can to be the best that I can.

It was a month of decisions and announcements and farewells. It’s been another month of changes, and learning, and returning, and hello’s. Winter finally decided to leave, spring has been trying to arrive, and we are already on our third weekend at the lake this summer. As the aroma of the coffee reached my nose, and the steam danced up from the machine, the vivid colors of last nights sunset still clearly etched in my mind, I couldn’t help but think that I’m still feeling a little lost, and questioned why.

Why have I felt so lost nearly my entire life? Why if I continue to faithfully follow and do what I feel I need to be doing in life, am I still feeling lost - should this not have all finally be bringing me to a place of wholeness?

And then the thought struck me. I think it’s God’s intent for us to never NOT feel some sense of lost-ness while we are still here on earth. This feeling of lost, of longing for more within us at all times, is how God created us, it’s part of the beautiful DNA woven within our fibers… If we weren’t ever hungry, or wondering, or longing for more, we would never have reason to change, to grow, to produce bigger, to achieve greater. What an incredible epiphany. So simple, yet so profound. A truth I've known my whole life and yet chose to not always see or comprehend clearly and completely.

I’ve gotten stuck in the reality that “someday” when I finally become enough, when I have finally done enough, when I finally figured it all out correctly, that I will then feel completely whole, completely settled, completely content, completely at peace within myself. Ahhhhhhh.  (Like the Calgon Take Me Away "Ahhhhhh"). No more unrest and upset about myself, my life, my world around me.

But I believe that is a lie that satan has been trying to feed me for the last forty three years. Absolute wholeness is not something that we will ever be, or can ever be while here on earth. God has given us these longings and lost-ness on purpose, for a reason, for us to always continue forward, always strive for greater, always reach for higher, always long for more of Him.

God wants us to always be coming to Him, calling out to Him, reaching out to Him, falling at His feet, always striving Heavenward. Our prize of utter contentment and fulfillment and final arrival will never happen while here on earth… that dream and desire and longing is what God is using to ultimately and hopefully bring each of us to our final arrival to Him in Heaven. That is when we will finally sink into that beautiful aqua adirondack chair and fully feel content, true rest, absolute joy, peace, and completion.

Until the day we finally arrive in Heaven, we will always be a little lost (with some seasons and reasons leaving us even more lost than others) - and I believe it’s time to start working on embracing and celebrating that reality rather than using it to deflate us and leave us feeling a constant state of not enough in our lost and less-than lives.

We are all hurting and lost, but it’s for a reason, for a purpose … let’s try embrace it rather than fight it and bring us down. Let’s be brave and dare to actually love ourselves, and each other, as we are, as the gift God created us to be.

Let’s stop apologizing, stop allowing the guilt to cling and hold us back. Let’s stop settling for mediocrity, hiding behind the societies mask of social acceptability. Let’s quit falling for the lies that it’s just you, and only you, and you are all alone. Let’s finally embrace that it’s ok to not be ok, that it's ok to do less and become more, that it’s ok to be vulnerable and openly real and honest with each other. Let’s embrace that it’s ok to feel lost - grabbing on to that and continue forward trying to navigate the way. Let’s stop waiting for the answers to be given to us and take the chances, dare to fall, dare to dance, dare to embrace the bumps and dark shadows of our own journey’s.

I’m finding it’s exactly in these defining moments that the greatest joy and sunshine are just around the corner. They may only stay for the briefest of moments before the next turn and pocket of blackness again envelops. As I look back behind me over the timeline of my own life, I am starting to finally feel confident knowing that there will be sunshine again, and that I need to just trust the moments I am lost within as simply continued footsteps in my journey homeward. And “home” will never be fully reached on the soil of this sin filled earth. That reality gives me pause and boldly tells me I need to allow myself more grace with my inner battle over all that I am, all that I’m not, all that I am yet to be, and all that I will never be.

Perhaps all my life I really haven’t been as lost as I’ve always assumed I was, apparently all along I’ve just been traveling on a really incredible earthly journey heavenward, living a life exactly how God planned and created me to experience.

{Previous blog "What If I Don't Finish" HERE }

Dreams Are a Funny Thing

Dreams are a funny thing aren’t they? Well, not funny “ha ha” but more funny as in “things that make you go hmmmmm…”

I’m doing a thirty-five day online program right now with Mel Robbins called Mindset Reset. It started at the beginning of the year, and it’s a daily talk with small daily tasks and challenges, with the purpose of tuning in to your mindset, your negativity, your triggers, your default thoughts… it’s about being intentional with your time, your thoughts, your mood, your outlook, and your dreams... yes, your dreams.

She has talked a little bit about being sure to carve out a few minutes every day to focus on yourself, on your dreams… and she emphasizes the importance of doing this right away in the morning. First thing in your day, before you pick up your phone, before you log on, before you let the world in, before you jump into the noise and the chaos.

I have found myself incredibly grateful for the current routine I am in, and for taking the time two years ago to to really start working on putting myself on my own to do list, and for already being in the habit of getting up early to exercise, to savor the quiet and spend time alone doing my prayers and devotions. And yet, I have found myself stumbling over her phrases and comments lately about our dreams. How we need to be sure to give ourselves time to dream, time to visualize, time to see ourselves beyond the here we are at right now.

Over the last three years I have come to grips with the reality that we are not guaranteed tomorrow, we're not.  That reality became very apparent as we sat at the funeral of our stillborn daughter.  It maybe wasn't the screaming ring in my ears on that beautiful March day, but it would soon become my manta, my engrained mindset, engraved into the very marrow of my soul.

You are not guaranteed tomorrow.  You are not guaranteed retirement, and you are not guaranteed retirement with your spouse.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to live reckless and irresponsible, but I also am going to stop putting off today something that I might not get a chance to do tomorrow, or next year.  I'm diligently and intentionally trying and live in the here and now, in the moment, in my present reality.  However I am not worthy of any awards or accolades, as I'm not very good at this ... I am a chronic over planner and worrier, and I have a suitcase stuffed full of failures and regrets and not enough's from my forty-three year old past that I am dragging along behind me every single day.  It's a hard balance to not get sucked back into the past or whisked away far into an unknown future, to simply "be." Which is actually my word, or my focus for this year, interestingly enough.

I think part of this topic of spending time on our dreams hits home with me because I have spent so much of my life in what I feel is "survival mode."  Simply getting through day by day... some days it's hour by hour.  It's been a survival mode out of shear necessity with so much of the endless craziness of our life mixed in with a heavy dash of attempting to be fully present and live in the moment exactly at hand.  If I'm trying to not live in the future, then I surely must limit my dreams, cuz dreams can be wayyyy out there, wayyyy far off, and often a little scary.  Dreams take time, take planning, take effort, take "letting go and letting God."

When it comes to dreams, I'm also one that has never opened my hands wide enough to really let go of any of those big dreams and allowed them to take flight.  I hang on, clutch them close, and attempt to keep them small and manageable, keep them within my own control, leveraging their risk and heartache values.  If I'm the one in control then I can protect myself from failure, from hurt, from disappointment.

I've come to the mindset that if I don't allow myself to dream big, then I also will protect myself from hurting big when it doesn't come to fruition.

But, that also means I could possibly be cutting myself short on a success or achievement or joy larger than I maybe realize I could accomplish or experience.  This thought really had not really occurred to me before.

I have found myself cycling back to this inner dialog over and over again about my dreams.  Do I even have any dreams?  How can I sit here and not know if I have any real dreams for myself right now?  Well, when you don't allow yourself to think ahead, don't allow yourself to wonder about things that might cause failure or heartache, when you don't allow yourself to jump, leap, dare... then you also don't allow yourself much time to dwell and contemplate on ... your dreams...

Yes, I want to retire someday, yes I want to have lake front property someday.  Yes I want to write a book someday, yes I want to achieve a health level in my body that I am not currently at yet.  But immediately I default to no, I will never have enough money to retire and have lake front property, because our spending and finances are completely out of control, I will never have enough time to devote to letting myself actually write a book, and no I will never achieve that level of health I desire because my eating and will power is completely out of control and I am not a "real" athlete.  End of thoughts, end of dreams.  Squash them before they can hurt and disappointment me any more than they already are.

If you just stop thinking about it, then you will never have to own it, and never have to put in the time, the effort, the heart, the motivation to actually work to achieve.

But you want to know something a bit crazy... I keep stumbling back onto this sub 2 hour half marathon finish desire that I have had.  I have come within 3-4 minutes of this 3-4 times over the past two years (because that's all the longer I've really been running) but have never been able to “officially” clock that achievement of a sub2 finish time. I don’t know if I would actually classify this particular thing as a legit “dream” or not, but oddly enough, it’s what seems to be whispering in my mind more often than not whenever the subject comes up lately, and thank you Mel Robbins, now that I am working on those self awareness skills, apparently that is something still ruminating within my heart.

After I ran my last half marathon this fall, I finished (at 2:03) and somehow got myself back to the hotel and swore never again. Never again would I run a half marathon in the cold and biting wind and crap of October weather in the midwest. Never again would I run the DesMoines IMT half marathon, twice was one time too many. Heck, never again would I even train or run a half marathon ever again. Done. I was done and I did not meet that sub2 goal. And as I laid there, cold, and so incredibly sore and disappointed, still in my sweaty race clothes and bib, that was just fine with me. Just fine and dandy. I was done running. I was 43 years old. I was old, I was not a "real" athlete, I was not a "real" runner, and it was time to get this silly stupid notion out of my mind once and for all.

But again I insert this thought on … dreams… dreams are a funny thing aren’t they?!? Because you know what, I haven’t gotten that stupid notion out of my head, and every-so-often I even let them come up and entertain my mind and thoughts on occasion… you know, like a few nights ago.

I don’t even know why, but I allowed myself to actually get excited about a possible up coming half marathon, ok - so maybe I had already registered for it months ago… Ok, ok - I may have signed up for it before I ran that miserable last half marathon mentioned above, you know the one that I swore off all other half marathons after… yup. I know, I know… Lose my registration fee and just walk away... or put the damn thing on the calendar and build that training schedule around it and just do it?? What to do, what to do. 

The day after my 43rd birthday I may have also signed up for a virtual half marathon on the morning of my 44th birthday.  I also may have signed up for the most amazing For My Angel Half Marathon race on the morning of our Faith MaryJo’s birth day.

Yes, I can do the math… that sworn ZERO, nada, zip, zilch number of half marathons I was never going to run again is actually currently sitting at three. Ugh. Why?!?! Why I say again?!?!  Glutton for punishment, that's what I am.

But then I hear that tiny little whisper inside again… that inner nudge to do it, to keep trying. Allow myself to believe in myself, love myself, push myself, take joy in myself.  To just allow myself to just dream. … but then just as quickly I hear the other little whisper inside, you know the one saying you're too old, you're too slow, you're too lazy, you're too busy, training is too selfish, you're too “not enough.”

And the ridiculous war within my mind continues its forty-three year old battle within.

A few nights ago I didn’t listen to that other whisper right away… I thought about one of those bucket list items I have, that third big, on location half marathon I’d committed to before my last half, the one I said I wasn’t going to run. I surfed, and clicked, and read, and even went as far to pick up the phone to inquire about hotel availability and room rates. I allowed myself to get a little bit excited again.  I allowed myself to feel just a little bit of heat and tingle deep in the wells of my stomach and soul again. 

I fell asleep with tabs upon tabs open in my internet browser holding sites with photos and race statistics and finishing times and route and elevation maps and hotels and shuttle bus pickup locations. Oh dear Lord in Heaven…

And then I woke up bright and early the next morning, the sky still jet black for a few remaining hours. I put on my running tights and tank top, laced up my shoes and turned on the treadmill. Approximately fifty-two seconds into that morning run I found myself struggling along and wanting to quit, suddenly thinking, no screaming, the thoughts “What were you thinking?!? You are NOT going to run another half! You are NOT a runner, you are NOT! Seriously, what were you thinking?!?”

How can we let ourselves go from one extreme to the other in such a short time? How can we let our thoughts be filled with hope and excitement one moment and fear and dread the next? As I found myself thinking over this phenomena throughout the following day, I kept coming back to the thought that that’s really the whole intention, the whole purpose, the whole reason for dreams.

Dreams are actually more than just the really big out of reach goals we never give ourselves enough credit to actually think we’ll achieve. Dreams are really little sparks, those tiny little catalysts that somehow have a way of catapulting us from numb, from fear, from medocirty, from status quo, to driving us upward, and outward, and filling us with just enough courage to take that small step, or maybe even a large leap, into something beyond ourselves, outside our comfort levels, beyond our current situations and abilities.

I can see why if one never gives themselves silence, never gives themself the luxury and necessity of placing their own selves on their own to-do lists, that they may never hear, may never experience that little whisper, that little nudge, that little bit of heat, that little call of the wild floating through on the wild wings of our dreams.

I can see why on occasion we do need to let down our guards, put blinders on our expectations and perfection complexes, and merely allow ourselves to be swept away into a world of "what if's" - an environment of "who know's" - a few shear moments of weakness to in fact push us into taking a small step (or large leap) to do something that may propel us forward toward that dream, that hope, that goal we are currently so terrified of, ignoring, dumbing down its relevance in, shying away from out of fear or hesitation.

Dreams are big.  Dreams are small.  Dreams are scary.  Dreams are filled with risk.  What if we fail?  Yes, but... what if we don't?  We need to take a serious look at ourselves in the mirror and simply ask is it worse to try and fail - or to fail to even try?

What are your dreams?  What is keeping you from taking the time to dream your dreams?  What is keeping you from taking the time to actually define them and then go after them?

What would the world look like if we all took the time to put ourselves on our own to-do lists?  What would the world look like if we all dared to dream big ... big big?  What would the world look like if we all did more than just dream about those dreams - what if we actually took the first step, and then the next, and then the next?  And what if we all loved on and supported each other in a transparent and soul filling community of friends and supporters?  What if we honestly worked on accepting and building each other u through support and love and encouragement, rather than judging, and tearing each other down through discouragement and disappointment?

Can you imagine the boost, and energy, the forward momentum that would catapult this overwhelmed and under appreciated world into?!? A movement of movers and shakers, eager and hungry for their wildest dreams to take form and take hold, with a screaming entourage of supporters and bystanders surrounding our paths.

May we all take the time to dream.  May we all take the time to believe in ourselves and give validation to not only our dreams but may we also take the time to allow those around us to dream their dreams, be believed in, give them validation and appreciation to get them to and through their dream journeys as well.

And remember (meaning: reminder to myself!) that a dream is something that is not just an end result, a final number in a bank account, a final time clocked at the end of the race, a final number at the end of the game, a final destination on the roadmap of our lives... but a dream is the entire journey, the catalyst and the path, the process, the journey we will find in the seeking and searching and working towards.  It's the evolution and a revelation that helps get us from here to there.

It doesn't matter where the "here" is or where the "there" is ... I think it's about the journey in-between that is the true source and definition of our dreams.  It's what we learn and what we choose to do along the way.

We need to take the time and allow ourselves to dream. We need to be brave and allow ourselves to start the journey towards our dreams.  We need to align ourselves with the people and things that understand and embrace us, and our dreams. We need to love ourselves enough to just step out in faith and go after them.  Jump in with both feet.  Allow ourselves the time, and allow ourselves the grace needed to take on the challenge, whatever that may be.

Sign up for that race.  Open up that blank page and start that book.  Open up that checkbook and actually look at the numbers and do something about creating a budget. Do that thing, whatever it is that is deep within you, calling your name.  I need to remind myself it's ok to dream, it's ok to risk the possibility of failure, disappointment, and hurt.

Perhaps it time to stop over thinking and over analyzing and overall ignoring and shutting down those whispers within so we can gingerly step over our walls of failure fears and the negativity reality of the hard work required of success and achievements.  We need to overlook all of that just long enough to say yes (or no) to a few small things, with the hopes of igniting the forward movement of positive change that will one day add up to some of the really big things in our lives.

And if we aren't here tomorrow, heaven forbid... we will also have not lived and left behind any regrets.

Do it scared, but just do it. Dare to dream, and dare to dream big. #peptalktomyself.

{ Previous blog post "Whatcha Reading 2018" HERE }

Giving Myself Grace

So, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything.

I spent the winter in a funk, a fog, a depression. I knew it, I was aware of it. I tried to allow myself to both ride it out, as well as try fight it out.  Neither way was overly successful. About a month ago, I decided it was really time to try to dig in deep and rise (at least a little) from the hole I had again found myself in.

The change in seasons (although this unending rain and these cool temps that continue … I mean come on here Mother Nature, work with us just a little would ya?!) and starting to get back outside for a few runs helped. I have also spent some time reflecting back to times when I had felt well, felt strong, felt on top of the world and not completely buried by it. I identified what I was doing, what I was reading, how I was feeling back then and simply started focusing on trying to get myself back to that place. I am re-reading several of the books I read during that season, I changed my workout schedule to look closer to the workout schedule I had during that season, I am doing similar personal development exercises as I was then.

Now, if only I could fit back into all those clothes I was able to wear during that season…

I have spent time also processing this reality. I am not yet back to the weight and measurements I was then. Does that bother me? Hells to the yes it does. It’s probably the biggest angst and disappointment I have right now with myself. But I also know getting back to that reality isn’t probably an actual reality anymore for me.

I have gone beyond just that initial weight and inches loss of this whole health journey, and I have worked on strengthening and toning my body. I’ve added lifting and cardio and hiit and miles and miles of distance running. And while I might still say I’m really not a “real runner” I think we all know the truth is... that I am (insert sheepish eyeroll from me here). Put all those factors together and my current body composition with the pounds and inches are not the same. It’s not an apples to apples comparison game any more, even though that it what my head is clearly screaming at me that it still believes.

Deep down, deep within, I know these realities. I know I am not a failure, I know that I should not throw it all away and walk away from this health journey I’m on because I have gained a few pounds and I'm not still 'exactly' where I was at back then. I’m still able to wear a large portion of my clothes (a wardrobe that I completely and entirely replaced a few years back) and I’m still in considerably better health than I was when I started this thing (physically, mentally, and spiritually).

Do you want to know my biggest struggle is? I have a very hard time giving myself grace. (gasp... shock... awe... surprise.  #not)

I am a type A, organized, overachieving perfectionist. I tend to set my goals high and I typically don’t like to stop until I reach them, and I am driven like a mad-women in my attempt to take on those challenges and goals. I over think, over plan, and over process everything. I do not want to settle for anything lower than perfection and I am scared to death of failure. And well, when you also don’t even consider yourself a “real athlete” while also putting yourself on a path of improved health and wellness … I’ve found for me it’s been a bit of a recipe for a roller coaster of near insanity at times.

I keep thinking back to that mountain top high I was on a few years ago.

I had just lost the weight. I had just started running. I had just replaced my wardrobe. I had just run my very first half marathon. Yes, I desperately want to be back there again, but the reality is ~ even if I got back down to that original goal weight - it would still not be exactly the same.

I have gone on to run close to a dozen half marathons since.  I have gone on to fight the weight loss maintenance game.  I have gone on to increase my tribe, my support group, my reach to those around me. I have let some go and I have let others in, and I am both the same person and not the same person any more.

So while I work on getting back to that moment, I have come to realize that chasing that dream again will never be a reality in the same exact way as it was back then. I’ve continued on in my journey and I’m working on climbing up another mountain… working on hopefully getting to the top of another peak. This journey is a cycle of ups and downs, no different than any other area in my life, just like it has been for the last forty-four years of my life. I reached a mountain top that I swore I would never come down off of … but I did.

And as I sit here with a picture of a vast and distant mountain scene in my mind, and re-read the words I just wrote... I am suddenly struck with a new thought, an epiphany.

All this time I keep thinking I’ve fallen back down the hill, plummeting backwards back to where I started. But I think perhaps I need to look at it as if I’m simply falling forwards. I’m navigating a new path that is simply bringing me down the front side of that mountain, which is enabling me to continue forward, slowly moving me towards reaching that even bigger mountain further off in the distance that I haven’t even gotten to yet.

Falling forward in progress, not plummeting backwards in failure. What a grace-filled thought that is. What a positive twist on a negative reality that I’ve been beating myself up for for almost a year now.

Surely, I can’t be the only one out there that struggles with this. Surely, there are others who push and push and push themselves and never feel enough, never ever enough. And not just in health and wellness, but in all areas of life… Never a good enough wife, mother, employee, friend. Never thin enough, strong enough, fast enough… I could go on and on ~ I think most of us already have a non-stop running playlist scrolling through our minds, like the credits at the end of the movie. It’s information that is always there, always processing, but we rarely actually stop long enough to really look at it all to see how it's actually a part of the entire end product. It's all the facts, and details, and people behind the scenes directly involved and most are rarely seen, known, recognized as being part of the overall project itself as viewed through the eyes of the general public.

All that scrolling information of credible moments and information, is merging and syncing with the realities of all things involving and affecting us, the intricately woven details of all factors directly involved in the very marrow and inner DNA of our lives from our birth to our present day.  Yet rarely do we even know or realize the actual who's and what’s and why’s of those details in association 

I go back to thinking about the whole thing of granting ourselves grace… I struggle with this, I know I do. I am incredibly hard on myself and seem to always be in battle with my mind over body about something. I'm have a really hard time right now in particular with yoga and my elliptical. And I know this is ridiculous - and I know whenever I bring it up and try to talk about it, I’m usually met with odd looks and short replies that “it doesn’t matter.”

It doesn’t matter… and I know it doesn’t… except that to me I’ve allowed it to matter, and matter too much.

Allowing myself the grace to merely "let it go" and not let it matter is hard for me.

I know the truth deep within, but it's a battle to actually allow myself to get there, to get myself to sit quietly on the same bench with that truth.  For some reason I seem to think that doing yoga and putting miles in on my elliptical is somehow "cheating."  Yup, I said cheating.  That is the lie my mind continues to tell me day in and day out.  I have battled this mindset since the day I bought my elliptical and fell in love with it.  Is it cheating because I actually enjoy using it?  Is it cheating because I can do a mile about a minute faster on my elliptical than I can on my treadmill or outside?  Is it cheating because it doesn't feel as "hard" as running a mile?  And then there's yoga.  Oh how I love yoga.  The calm, the stretch, the inner breath and dialogue.  The meditation and relaxing.  And yet, my mind is always wanting me to say no to yoga because it's not really considered "exercise" because it's not fast and furious and the "high" at the end is actually a "low."

I've been through enough therapy to process that I do think at the very core of some of this is the fact that I want to punish my body for all that it has denied me and all it has taken from me.  This body has never been what I wanted it to be. Never thin enough, never fit enough.  The cellulite, the small chest, the wide hips, the big butt.  This body has denied me fertility and has taken two babies from me.  Why should I love it, why should I honor it, why should I treat it special and take care of it?

This will always be my battle.  This will always be the thing I struggle with.  This is something I know I will never fully overcome, that will never fully go away.   This is something I will deal with daily for every single day I am alive on this earth.  There is no cure for this dysfunction in my mind.  Some days are easier than others, some seasons are easier than others.  Some days it's what drives me to greatness, some days it's what drives me to near insanity.

I think the reality simply is... this is who I am.  This is who I am.  Perhaps I need to stop trying to fight it and somehow befriend it.  I need to stop thinking someday this is something I need to overcome.  I need to stop the mindset that this is a battle to beat and just settle in to the fact that it's not going to go away, it's not going to be beaten, and I am not a failure because of that reality.

God gave us all gifts and talents and quirks and oddities.  And one of mine just happens to be this thing where I battle giving myself grace.  No, this isn't a "gift" per say but I think I need to still come to terms with the fact that it is a "blessed" trait from God.  No, He doesn't want me to use it as a punishment, or belittlement, or cause me angst from it - that wasn't His intent.  I'm sure He does actually want me to love myself better, grant myself more grace, find love, and peace, and contentment within this body He created for me.

Finding grace, love, peace, and contentment within this body He created for me... this body I have never loved, have never cherished, have never honored within the holiness in which I should.  That is some pretty big orders to try come to terms with isn't it?  It's a sobering truth to try swalloww, and yet it's also freeing and humbling as well.

I will continue to fall forward, tumble ahead, slip downward on the front side of this current mountain I'm on. I will continue to work on granting myself the grace and rest required for the long journey ahead, for I am off to conquer a new mountain top ~ apparently I'm no longer just climbing back up that one I already conquered!

Onward... not backward.  Onward.

Previous blog post { At the Precipice Again } HERE.

Next blog post { If We Hadn't Lost Faith } HERE

October Infant and Child Loss Awareness Month

Well, I wasn't sure I was even going to be able to log back into this account it's been so long.  And yet, here we are.  It's been a long time.  A very long time.  Much has happened, much has not been documented or shared.

I may go back and try fill in a few of the larger things, but then again, I might not.

I am currently in a season of utter deep, dark, drowning in the trenches of some really really hard life stuff right now.  All my life I haven't shared much about that journey in our life, mostly because it isn't entirely all my story to share.  Granted, Faith also isn't only my story to share, but... she is not here to someday read, someday compare, someday accuse of oversharing... Although the deeper and longer this other journey is going, the more and more I am feeling that at some point there will come a point where I do need to share at least some things - mostly because I know I cannot be the only one, we cannot be the only family in this similar place.  And while I do know I am not alone, I do also know this is one hell of a hard and lonely ride right now.

But for now, this blog is still about Faith.  About our Journey to Faith.  The life and loss of our infant daughter now over ten years ago.  Double digits. Wow, where does that time go?  Who would she have been? What would her personality have been? What friends would she have? What loves would she have? What favorite foods would she want? What would her favorite color have been?

Several weeks ago my beautiful daughter-in-law messaged me a link to a local Infant and Childless Awareness 5k Color Run.  She asked if I would be interested in doing it with her and the girls. 

**{Girls}** Insert quick side note, in July we welcomed our second granddaughter into our lives.  And there is so much to tell about her and her life, that I do promise to come back to a share a few of those stories with you all.

She took care of signing us all up, she took care of getting Faith's name added to the back of the t-shirts, she took care of reminding me about the event and she pulled into the event parking lot about two minutes after I had arrived and we put on our shirts and put in our miles together, and I knew it was one of those moments in time when you just know you are not fully mentally or physically prepared for it before you arrive, and yet also know it is going to be something special.

I was out running early one morning and got attached by a dog in early July and was injured and haven't really been able to run much since.  I have done some walking and some elliptical miles, but overall I have been sidelined from running and working out.  Some I'm sure is just an excuse I'm using with the dog bites and hematomas, some I'm sure is also just an excuse that I am just currently spread too thin to allow time for working on anything for myself, beyond getting through each day.

As we stood in the parking lot of the event, we were surrounded by individuals and families all holding infant and childloss close to their hearts and minds.  There were strollers and kiddos and puppers and runners and walkers and color stations and wind. So very much wind.

I laid in bed that morning, not wanting to get up. Not wanting to face people, interact with people. I didn't want to have to push myself and sweat and feel just how out of shape I have gotten, how much weight I have gained. And as I got up and drove in silence alone in my car, I also realized I was probably trying to just continue to leave that door into my heart shut. 

The pain in my heart is so great these days, that it has just kind of closed Faith's door for a while.  I don't have enough available inside me to deal with it all at the same time.  So without actually even knowing it, she closed her door and slipped into a quiet corner, still holding my hand, but also holding her pain and loss for me.

As I drove and thought about this, part of me was so sad that I had allowed this to happen, letting her silently just slip into the shadows during this current season, and part of me was so grateful as well. As I thought of her and all the things... all the what ifs... all the memories... I just knew that holding both of these journeys side by side in both of my hands at the same time would have been too much.  Too much.  So for a while I've had to let her go, as I've grabbed on even tighter with both hands as I am being drug along in this current season.

Physically she is not here on this earth with us.  I don't understand why that is our reality, and most days I'm able to say (and believe) the words that God has a purpose for all this. For her, for us, through her loss.

I know there has been gains through our loss.  Friendships, chances to share our story, bring awareness, stand in the silence with others knowing a small inkling of their pain from their loss... And I realized yesterday that I am also failing miserable in that whole portion of my life right now.  No, I know I'm not failing it - but I am not available to fully (or even partially) invest in the infant and child loss awareness as I have in the past.  And I'm sorry for that.

I'm sorry I have gone silent and have slowly disappeared over the last few years.  And I have to be completely honest, it's going to be that way for a while longer. The light is not yet visible at the end of this tunnel I am currently so lost in.

The devil is busy at work telling his lies of failure and not good enough's, and I know it is not just me he's preying on.  The entire world right now is hurting and also feeling lost and broken.  We are all battling big hard things that we think we are the only ones.  But I have to also trust that we aren't the only ones. 

I'm reminded of our sermon from 1 Kings today about Elijah, exhausted and tired and ready for the Lord to take him. He thought he was the only one left, completely alone, not enough, ready to die... and in fact... God was assembling a crew of seven thousand other believers waiting to join forces with him...

Elijah wasn't alone, and neither are we. Elijah was enough, and so are we.  Even when we feel most alone and most not enough.

PREVOUS BLOG POST HERE { HOBBY LOBBY TEARS }

NEXT BLOG POST HERE { LOVED BABY DEVOTIONAL}