Is it the change in seasons, the change in weather, the official start of a new month, the official start to a vacation countdown that overwhelms me beyond imagination, the official onslaught of the craa craa of “the holidays”? Is it the transition from half marathon training outside, to not training for anything battling my treadmill in my basement again? Is it that it’s National Adoption Month or the fact that three years ago I was pregnant in November (although I didn’t actually know it until February)? I don’t honestly know. Probably a big ‘ol hodge podge of it all. Little bits of this and that all in a swirl and twirl of something far greater and stronger than I’m able to firmly hold in my hands.
I know I struggle and wrestle with the holidays every year. Hard. November and December are so hard for me… emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, the whole gamut really. The people, the parties, the food, the gifts, the planning, the scheduling, the shopping, the cards. Lots of good, lots of yuck, lots of joy, lots of sorrow, lots of tricky. Lots of unattainable expectations, lots of tears, lots of laughter, lots of meltdowns, lots of arguing, lots of reflection, lots of busy. Lots of skewed and messy views of "life" and "family" and "Christianity" and "giving" on social media and tv. The desire to be and show and give perfection while wresting through the actual imperfections of reality.
Consumerism, materialism, lost realism.
I want to give, I want to receive, I want to hide, I want to splash and display the narrow pinteresty worthy window of my life and my family. Actually, no I don’t. I don’t want to put on and put out there the show that I have it all together, that my family is all smiles in our matching camo… Yet I am always conflicted with a feeling that I have to, that I can’t really be completely honest and real, that I can’t really verbalize the 92% of the behind the scenes part of life that isn’t within that narrow pinteresty worthy window of public show.
There are days that there is just a lot of ugly in my life and in my house. Ugly in my head, ugly out of my mouth, ugly within my family. Oh of course there are days and moments of amazing vibrancy, don’t get me wrong or put words in my mouth… But there are a lot of harder days than easier days it seems right now, and that can be taxing, exhausting, endless, draining, debilitating.
My days are full, my hours are full, my life is full… despite my best efforts to guard my family’s margins, and my personal even more precious margins. My life is much less full and overbooked than it once was, but there are still many burdens, requirements, necessities needed to simply get from one day to the next. Laundry, cleaning, cooking, mothering, wifeing, friending, working, resting. I’m not filled with anger or extreme bitterness, but I am weary. Weary with yes, a small thin side of bitterness as I merely battle the day to day, the season to season.
I honestly try really hard to balance my life, and my loves, and my needs, and my desires. I try really hard to be all that I can be for myself, and all those around me. I try really hard to love well, see others well, live fully and authentically well. I try really hard to love well even when that love isn’t always enough.
Yeah, it all just makes my insides edgy and my anxiety rise, leaving me… well… restless. Yes, so so restless... perhaps even a stirring on from status quo. Or perhaps just a simple warning as I continue to step onward through this ticking of the time that refuses to stop or slow down.
I live in a tension of wanting to own my own time, all of my own time. I want to be ruler and dictator and controller of my own time on a completely selfish level micromanaging every single second and minute. I want my life to slow down, to dial back, to make me younger again instead of older. I don’t want unplanned events or interruptions taking up any of MY time.
And yet, every day really is a gift given to us from God. Every day is a chance to open our eyes and open our hands and merely say, Lord fill my day and fill my time with what YOU want ME to be doing, what YOU need ME to be doing, what I can be doing for YOU rather than what YOU should be doing for ME. All we have ~ including our life, our time, our gifts, our talents ~ are from God, given freely to us to enjoy, and we need to stop trying to be so controlling of those minutes and seconds on that internal ticking of our clocks.
May we do a better job filling our days humbly and openly with the weavings and wanderings of that which God has planned for us and in that which will glorify Him with. Our time and our days are really not truly ours for the controlling, ours for the hoarding and ruling. Our time and our days really are in a dance of giving and receiving, in a delicate relationship of pouring out and and pouring into, of emptying and filling back up, a cooperative agreement between nature and nurture.
I’m convinced we aren’t supposed to be pretty and all put together all the time. We aren’t supposed to be entirely booked and scheduled and planned all the time. It’s within these times of pain, and chaos, and ugly, and raw that I think we are actually given the opportunity to witness some of our most beautiful meaning, and direction, and humbling messy grace within our lives.
If we allow the ugly, allow the real, allow the authentic and vulnerable to be, to show, to shine, to be used as a means, a tool, from God to bind together that which is His and that which is still His (but we think is really ours) between ourselves and the entire world around us in a way that is God honoring and God glorifying, I can’t help but think that that is where the real secret of joy and fullness and happiness just might lie.
Complete joy and fulfillment are unattainable realities every single moment of our lives. We think it’s what we are wanting, what we are always aspirating towards, and in a way, yes we are… but it’s also ultimately what is leaving us lost and restless and laced with a silent hopelessness. It’s not the final arrival at some grand destination and over-the-top feeling or achievement that is going to finally grant us our worth and our way. No, it’s in the story and the fabric of our real life journeys and our real life aches and pains that will come to grow into some of our greatest and deepest beauty and light from both within ourselves, and within our spheres of influence and life.
Let's take time to really rest in our restlessness, listen to what is causing the unease within us. Take time to open our eyes and open our hands to the glories and opportunities awaiting us within the unplanned and unguarded minutes and moments of our days.
Yes, we must learn to attempt to manage our own margins well, but we must also be open to the reality that our days and our time really isn’t completely ours to selfishly guard, manage, and hoard… There’s a grand God waiting and working on a grand plan for each and every one of our lives… for the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years. May we be open, receptive, accommodating, celebratory, and utterly real and honest in what we say and do, what we plan, and what we remain open for.
Do less, expect less, and we just might become more... much more than we could ever hope or imagine.
There are days that there is just a lot of ugly in my life and in my house. Ugly in my head, ugly out of my mouth, ugly within my family. Oh of course there are days and moments of amazing vibrancy, don’t get me wrong or put words in my mouth… But there are a lot of harder days than easier days it seems right now, and that can be taxing, exhausting, endless, draining, debilitating.
My days are full, my hours are full, my life is full… despite my best efforts to guard my family’s margins, and my personal even more precious margins. My life is much less full and overbooked than it once was, but there are still many burdens, requirements, necessities needed to simply get from one day to the next. Laundry, cleaning, cooking, mothering, wifeing, friending, working, resting. I’m not filled with anger or extreme bitterness, but I am weary. Weary with yes, a small thin side of bitterness as I merely battle the day to day, the season to season.
I honestly try really hard to balance my life, and my loves, and my needs, and my desires. I try really hard to be all that I can be for myself, and all those around me. I try really hard to love well, see others well, live fully and authentically well. I try really hard to love well even when that love isn’t always enough.
Yeah, it all just makes my insides edgy and my anxiety rise, leaving me… well… restless. Yes, so so restless... perhaps even a stirring on from status quo. Or perhaps just a simple warning as I continue to step onward through this ticking of the time that refuses to stop or slow down.
I live in a tension of wanting to own my own time, all of my own time. I want to be ruler and dictator and controller of my own time on a completely selfish level micromanaging every single second and minute. I want my life to slow down, to dial back, to make me younger again instead of older. I don’t want unplanned events or interruptions taking up any of MY time.
And yet, every day really is a gift given to us from God. Every day is a chance to open our eyes and open our hands and merely say, Lord fill my day and fill my time with what YOU want ME to be doing, what YOU need ME to be doing, what I can be doing for YOU rather than what YOU should be doing for ME. All we have ~ including our life, our time, our gifts, our talents ~ are from God, given freely to us to enjoy, and we need to stop trying to be so controlling of those minutes and seconds on that internal ticking of our clocks.
May we do a better job filling our days humbly and openly with the weavings and wanderings of that which God has planned for us and in that which will glorify Him with. Our time and our days are really not truly ours for the controlling, ours for the hoarding and ruling. Our time and our days really are in a dance of giving and receiving, in a delicate relationship of pouring out and and pouring into, of emptying and filling back up, a cooperative agreement between nature and nurture.
I’m convinced we aren’t supposed to be pretty and all put together all the time. We aren’t supposed to be entirely booked and scheduled and planned all the time. It’s within these times of pain, and chaos, and ugly, and raw that I think we are actually given the opportunity to witness some of our most beautiful meaning, and direction, and humbling messy grace within our lives.
If we allow the ugly, allow the real, allow the authentic and vulnerable to be, to show, to shine, to be used as a means, a tool, from God to bind together that which is His and that which is still His (but we think is really ours) between ourselves and the entire world around us in a way that is God honoring and God glorifying, I can’t help but think that that is where the real secret of joy and fullness and happiness just might lie.
Complete joy and fulfillment are unattainable realities every single moment of our lives. We think it’s what we are wanting, what we are always aspirating towards, and in a way, yes we are… but it’s also ultimately what is leaving us lost and restless and laced with a silent hopelessness. It’s not the final arrival at some grand destination and over-the-top feeling or achievement that is going to finally grant us our worth and our way. No, it’s in the story and the fabric of our real life journeys and our real life aches and pains that will come to grow into some of our greatest and deepest beauty and light from both within ourselves, and within our spheres of influence and life.
Let's take time to really rest in our restlessness, listen to what is causing the unease within us. Take time to open our eyes and open our hands to the glories and opportunities awaiting us within the unplanned and unguarded minutes and moments of our days.
Yes, we must learn to attempt to manage our own margins well, but we must also be open to the reality that our days and our time really isn’t completely ours to selfishly guard, manage, and hoard… There’s a grand God waiting and working on a grand plan for each and every one of our lives… for the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years. May we be open, receptive, accommodating, celebratory, and utterly real and honest in what we say and do, what we plan, and what we remain open for.
Do less, expect less, and we just might become more... much more than we could ever hope or imagine.
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