I spent the winter in a funk, a fog, a depression. I knew it, I was aware of it. I tried to allow myself to both ride it out, as well as try fight it out. Neither way was overly successful. About a month ago, I decided it was really time to try to dig in deep and rise (at least a little) from the hole I had again found myself in.
The change in seasons (although this unending rain and these cool temps that continue … I mean come on here Mother Nature, work with us just a little would ya?!) and starting to get back outside for a few runs helped. I have also spent some time reflecting back to times when I had felt well, felt strong, felt on top of the world and not completely buried by it. I identified what I was doing, what I was reading, how I was feeling back then and simply started focusing on trying to get myself back to that place. I am re-reading several of the books I read during that season, I changed my workout schedule to look closer to the workout schedule I had during that season, I am doing similar personal development exercises as I was then.
Now, if only I could fit back into all those clothes I was able to wear during that season…
I have spent time also processing this reality. I am not yet back to the weight and measurements I was then. Does that bother me? Hells to the yes it does. It’s probably the biggest angst and disappointment I have right now with myself. But I also know getting back to that reality isn’t probably an actual reality anymore for me.
I have gone beyond just that initial weight and inches loss of this whole health journey, and I have worked on strengthening and toning my body. I’ve added lifting and cardio and hiit and miles and miles of distance running. And while I might still say I’m really not a “real runner” I think we all know the truth is... that I am (insert sheepish eyeroll from me here). Put all those factors together and my current body composition with the pounds and inches are not the same. It’s not an apples to apples comparison game any more, even though that it what my head is clearly screaming at me that it still believes.
Deep down, deep within, I know these realities. I know I am not a failure, I know that I should not throw it all away and walk away from this health journey I’m on because I have gained a few pounds and I'm not still 'exactly' where I was at back then. I’m still able to wear a large portion of my clothes (a wardrobe that I completely and entirely replaced a few years back) and I’m still in considerably better health than I was when I started this thing (physically, mentally, and spiritually).
Do you want to know my biggest struggle is? I have a very hard time giving myself grace. (gasp... shock... awe... surprise. #not)
I am a type A, organized, overachieving perfectionist. I tend to set my goals high and I typically don’t like to stop until I reach them, and I am driven like a mad-women in my attempt to take on those challenges and goals. I over think, over plan, and over process everything. I do not want to settle for anything lower than perfection and I am scared to death of failure. And well, when you also don’t even consider yourself a “real athlete” while also putting yourself on a path of improved health and wellness … I’ve found for me it’s been a bit of a recipe for a roller coaster of near insanity at times.
I keep thinking back to that mountain top high I was on a few years ago.
I had just lost the weight. I had just started running. I had just replaced my wardrobe. I had just run my very first half marathon. Yes, I desperately want to be back there again, but the reality is ~ even if I got back down to that original goal weight - it would still not be exactly the same.
I have gone on to run close to a dozen half marathons since. I have gone on to fight the weight loss maintenance game. I have gone on to increase my tribe, my support group, my reach to those around me. I have let some go and I have let others in, and I am both the same person and not the same person any more.
So while I work on getting back to that moment, I have come to realize that chasing that dream again will never be a reality in the same exact way as it was back then. I’ve continued on in my journey and I’m working on climbing up another mountain… working on hopefully getting to the top of another peak. This journey is a cycle of ups and downs, no different than any other area in my life, just like it has been for the last forty-four years of my life. I reached a mountain top that I swore I would never come down off of … but I did.
And as I sit here with a picture of a vast and distant mountain scene in my mind, and re-read the words I just wrote... I am suddenly struck with a new thought, an epiphany.
All this time I keep thinking I’ve fallen back down the hill, plummeting backwards back to where I started. But I think perhaps I need to look at it as if I’m simply falling forwards. I’m navigating a new path that is simply bringing me down the front side of that mountain, which is enabling me to continue forward, slowly moving me towards reaching that even bigger mountain further off in the distance that I haven’t even gotten to yet.
Falling forward in progress, not plummeting backwards in failure. What a grace-filled thought that is. What a positive twist on a negative reality that I’ve been beating myself up for for almost a year now.
Surely, I can’t be the only one out there that struggles with this. Surely, there are others who push and push and push themselves and never feel enough, never ever enough. And not just in health and wellness, but in all areas of life… Never a good enough wife, mother, employee, friend. Never thin enough, strong enough, fast enough… I could go on and on ~ I think most of us already have a non-stop running playlist scrolling through our minds, like the credits at the end of the movie. It’s information that is always there, always processing, but we rarely actually stop long enough to really look at it all to see how it's actually a part of the entire end product. It's all the facts, and details, and people behind the scenes directly involved and most are rarely seen, known, recognized as being part of the overall project itself as viewed through the eyes of the general public.
All that scrolling information of credible moments and information, is merging and syncing with the realities of all things involving and affecting us, the intricately woven details of all factors directly involved in the very marrow and inner DNA of our lives from our birth to our present day. Yet rarely do we even know or realize the actual who's and what’s and why’s of those details in association
I have spent time also processing this reality. I am not yet back to the weight and measurements I was then. Does that bother me? Hells to the yes it does. It’s probably the biggest angst and disappointment I have right now with myself. But I also know getting back to that reality isn’t probably an actual reality anymore for me.
I have gone beyond just that initial weight and inches loss of this whole health journey, and I have worked on strengthening and toning my body. I’ve added lifting and cardio and hiit and miles and miles of distance running. And while I might still say I’m really not a “real runner” I think we all know the truth is... that I am (insert sheepish eyeroll from me here). Put all those factors together and my current body composition with the pounds and inches are not the same. It’s not an apples to apples comparison game any more, even though that it what my head is clearly screaming at me that it still believes.
Deep down, deep within, I know these realities. I know I am not a failure, I know that I should not throw it all away and walk away from this health journey I’m on because I have gained a few pounds and I'm not still 'exactly' where I was at back then. I’m still able to wear a large portion of my clothes (a wardrobe that I completely and entirely replaced a few years back) and I’m still in considerably better health than I was when I started this thing (physically, mentally, and spiritually).
Do you want to know my biggest struggle is? I have a very hard time giving myself grace. (gasp... shock... awe... surprise. #not)
I am a type A, organized, overachieving perfectionist. I tend to set my goals high and I typically don’t like to stop until I reach them, and I am driven like a mad-women in my attempt to take on those challenges and goals. I over think, over plan, and over process everything. I do not want to settle for anything lower than perfection and I am scared to death of failure. And well, when you also don’t even consider yourself a “real athlete” while also putting yourself on a path of improved health and wellness … I’ve found for me it’s been a bit of a recipe for a roller coaster of near insanity at times.
I keep thinking back to that mountain top high I was on a few years ago.
I had just lost the weight. I had just started running. I had just replaced my wardrobe. I had just run my very first half marathon. Yes, I desperately want to be back there again, but the reality is ~ even if I got back down to that original goal weight - it would still not be exactly the same.
I have gone on to run close to a dozen half marathons since. I have gone on to fight the weight loss maintenance game. I have gone on to increase my tribe, my support group, my reach to those around me. I have let some go and I have let others in, and I am both the same person and not the same person any more.
So while I work on getting back to that moment, I have come to realize that chasing that dream again will never be a reality in the same exact way as it was back then. I’ve continued on in my journey and I’m working on climbing up another mountain… working on hopefully getting to the top of another peak. This journey is a cycle of ups and downs, no different than any other area in my life, just like it has been for the last forty-four years of my life. I reached a mountain top that I swore I would never come down off of … but I did.
And as I sit here with a picture of a vast and distant mountain scene in my mind, and re-read the words I just wrote... I am suddenly struck with a new thought, an epiphany.
All this time I keep thinking I’ve fallen back down the hill, plummeting backwards back to where I started. But I think perhaps I need to look at it as if I’m simply falling forwards. I’m navigating a new path that is simply bringing me down the front side of that mountain, which is enabling me to continue forward, slowly moving me towards reaching that even bigger mountain further off in the distance that I haven’t even gotten to yet.
Falling forward in progress, not plummeting backwards in failure. What a grace-filled thought that is. What a positive twist on a negative reality that I’ve been beating myself up for for almost a year now.
Surely, I can’t be the only one out there that struggles with this. Surely, there are others who push and push and push themselves and never feel enough, never ever enough. And not just in health and wellness, but in all areas of life… Never a good enough wife, mother, employee, friend. Never thin enough, strong enough, fast enough… I could go on and on ~ I think most of us already have a non-stop running playlist scrolling through our minds, like the credits at the end of the movie. It’s information that is always there, always processing, but we rarely actually stop long enough to really look at it all to see how it's actually a part of the entire end product. It's all the facts, and details, and people behind the scenes directly involved and most are rarely seen, known, recognized as being part of the overall project itself as viewed through the eyes of the general public.
All that scrolling information of credible moments and information, is merging and syncing with the realities of all things involving and affecting us, the intricately woven details of all factors directly involved in the very marrow and inner DNA of our lives from our birth to our present day. Yet rarely do we even know or realize the actual who's and what’s and why’s of those details in association
I go back to thinking about the whole thing of granting ourselves grace… I struggle with this, I know I do. I am incredibly hard on myself and seem to always be in battle with my mind over body about something. I'm have a really hard time right now in particular with yoga and my elliptical. And I know this is ridiculous - and I know whenever I bring it up and try to talk about it, I’m usually met with odd looks and short replies that “it doesn’t matter.”
It doesn’t matter… and I know it doesn’t… except that to me I’ve allowed it to matter, and matter too much.
Allowing myself the grace to merely "let it go" and not let it matter is hard for me.
It doesn’t matter… and I know it doesn’t… except that to me I’ve allowed it to matter, and matter too much.
Allowing myself the grace to merely "let it go" and not let it matter is hard for me.
I know the truth deep within, but it's a battle to actually allow myself to get there, to get myself to sit quietly on the same bench with that truth. For some reason I seem to think that doing yoga and putting miles in on my elliptical is somehow "cheating." Yup, I said cheating. That is the lie my mind continues to tell me day in and day out. I have battled this mindset since the day I bought my elliptical and fell in love with it. Is it cheating because I actually enjoy using it? Is it cheating because I can do a mile about a minute faster on my elliptical than I can on my treadmill or outside? Is it cheating because it doesn't feel as "hard" as running a mile? And then there's yoga. Oh how I love yoga. The calm, the stretch, the inner breath and dialogue. The meditation and relaxing. And yet, my mind is always wanting me to say no to yoga because it's not really considered "exercise" because it's not fast and furious and the "high" at the end is actually a "low."
I've been through enough therapy to process that I do think at the very core of some of this is the fact that I want to punish my body for all that it has denied me and all it has taken from me. This body has never been what I wanted it to be. Never thin enough, never fit enough. The cellulite, the small chest, the wide hips, the big butt. This body has denied me fertility and has taken two babies from me. Why should I love it, why should I honor it, why should I treat it special and take care of it?
This will always be my battle. This will always be the thing I struggle with. This is something I know I will never fully overcome, that will never fully go away. This is something I will deal with daily for every single day I am alive on this earth. There is no cure for this dysfunction in my mind. Some days are easier than others, some seasons are easier than others. Some days it's what drives me to greatness, some days it's what drives me to near insanity.
I think the reality simply is... this is who I am. This is who I am. Perhaps I need to stop trying to fight it and somehow befriend it. I need to stop thinking someday this is something I need to overcome. I need to stop the mindset that this is a battle to beat and just settle in to the fact that it's not going to go away, it's not going to be beaten, and I am not a failure because of that reality.
God gave us all gifts and talents and quirks and oddities. And one of mine just happens to be this thing where I battle giving myself grace. No, this isn't a "gift" per say but I think I need to still come to terms with the fact that it is a "blessed" trait from God. No, He doesn't want me to use it as a punishment, or belittlement, or cause me angst from it - that wasn't His intent. I'm sure He does actually want me to love myself better, grant myself more grace, find love, and peace, and contentment within this body He created for me.
Finding grace, love, peace, and contentment within this body He created for me... this body I have never loved, have never cherished, have never honored within the holiness in which I should. That is some pretty big orders to try come to terms with isn't it? It's a sobering truth to try swalloww, and yet it's also freeing and humbling as well.
I will continue to fall forward, tumble ahead, slip downward on the front side of this current mountain I'm on. I will continue to work on granting myself the grace and rest required for the long journey ahead, for I am off to conquer a new mountain top ~ apparently I'm no longer just climbing back up that one I already conquered!
Onward... not backward. Onward.
Previous blog post { At the Precipice Again } HERE.
Next blog post { If We Hadn't Lost Faith } HERE
Finding grace, love, peace, and contentment within this body He created for me... this body I have never loved, have never cherished, have never honored within the holiness in which I should. That is some pretty big orders to try come to terms with isn't it? It's a sobering truth to try swalloww, and yet it's also freeing and humbling as well.
I will continue to fall forward, tumble ahead, slip downward on the front side of this current mountain I'm on. I will continue to work on granting myself the grace and rest required for the long journey ahead, for I am off to conquer a new mountain top ~ apparently I'm no longer just climbing back up that one I already conquered!
Onward... not backward. Onward.
Previous blog post { At the Precipice Again } HERE.
Next blog post { If We Hadn't Lost Faith } HERE
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