What To Focus on In 2019

We are down to the final weeks of the year. The end of 2018 is almost upon us. Was it just me, or did this year pass by incredibly fast? Story of my life. Story of all of our lives I’m sure.

I was zooming through social media recently (I know, I know I need to stop doing that) and there are people already talking about their “word” their “manta” their “focus” for 2019, and I sat there thinking how utterly I have failed my word and my focus on this year. I am nowhere near where I should be, or surly wanted to be.

My word for 2017was less. Do less, have less, weigh less, spend less, talk less.

My word for 2018 is contentment. At this time last year I knew I also hadn’t fully reached where I wanted to be when it came to the topic of less, and felt that this year I was being drawn to continue on the topic of less but at an even deeper level, a more specific, more hardcore level I guess you could say.  I zeroed in on the overall concept of contentment.

It's twelve months later and here I sit… Do I feel happy and unburdened, light and cheerful?  No. I'm so far financially in debt right now I’m not quite sure what to do about it, I have gained back some of the weight I had been so diligently trying to lose (I couldn’t even manage to maintain it this year let alone lose more), my house is still full of stuff, and things, and unneeded and unnecessary materialist objects. And as for doing less and talking less, well - I’m not doing so great on either of those areas as well… just ask the poor people stuck in the cubicles around me at work in regards to my talking. Lol. Contentment and doing less are a battle, a continual battle every single day. There are so many things, people, appointments, opportunities, expectations vying for my time and attention. It’s a hard and risky line to try balance.

I did manage to move myself from the bottom of my to-do list to the top of my to-do list this year, and I have managed to maintain that and hold true to quite diligently. But the interesting thing, to put myself on the top of my list - I merely had to move up my morning. I didn’t move everything done one, since I never ever actually made it to the bottom of the list before, I just never got down to “myself.” My soul care and my self care just never happened. And for me to make myself a priority in my own life, I had to create more time, carve out the time from something else. So I get a little less sleep now and give myself a little more love now.

I’ve come to slowly embrace and come to terms with my treadmill and my running shoes at 3:30am every morning, but it has been a battle, let me tell you.

Contentment. Oh how I lack. I am one who is always wanting more, needing more, getting more, striving for more. Why can’t I be enough where I am, how I am, who I am, with what I already have? Why in the world is contentment such a hard concept for me to grasp?

Less. This seems to be even worse. The more I intentionally attempt to decrease, lessen, purge, rid… the more I seem to aquire, gain, hoard, and stash away. Why why why is it so hard for me to simply let go? Let go of the stuff, the things, and the expectations and desires surrounding that stuff and things?

I don’t think of myself as a needy, highly materialist person, but obviously I am more so than I realize… more so than I want to admit to, more so than I want to dive into and overcome.

So why this internal clutching and clinging and acquisition? Why this more, more, more pull from within?  Why this discord of unease and internal unrest over having, needing, wanting, getting, achieving, striving?  Why this flippancy to dive in and really address the core, the root, the heart of the matter at hand?

All this around and around leads me right back to where I started… and right where I started was not one step closer to overcoming, or managing, or coming to grips with that which I have been previously felt called to focus on. Do I seek out another word for 2019? Do I just say to heck with it? Be done with even attempting to hear what I need to set as an active goal for the next twelve months to work on and focus on?

I admit there is a large and loud part of me honestly wanting to just be done, just walk away, just stop the insanity as Susan Powter used to say. Remember her? The spiky haired blond that went from fat to fab by merely getting off her couch one day and going for a walk?!? I wonder if she sat on her couch for months and months listening, seeking, searching for the desire and direction she felt called to focus on next. Or did she one day just get up… started moving, started doing… something, anything, nothing, everything…

I think for right now I’m feeling this internal pull to perhaps admit it’s time to stop seeking, stop searching and start concentrating more on just being… being without limitations or motivations or black and white checks and balances… at least for a little while. (I fully realize someone with the personality qualities I have pulsing through me will never fully allow myself to live a life free of sharp motivations and set [usually unattainable] expectations.) Being… as in more yoga and meditation (and who knows, perhaps more medication as well ~lol) Being… as in less to do lists, less chasing of the dreams and my own tail of accomplishment.

Being... as in a little less planning and a little more come what may.  Wow, writing those words just now nearly brought on a guttural reaction inside me.  I am a planner, a do-er, a have it all together person.  I'm honestly not sure just being is actually something of an easy task within the confines of who I am.

I take a few more sips of coffee, soaking in the silence of the moment, thinking over the thoughts and words I've just found and gathered and pondered and put down on paper.  And I chuckle as I realized that perhaps, right there, is in fact the word of focus for 2019.

Just Be. Just be… nothing more - nothing less. Just Be.

{ Previous blog post "Unattainable Perfection } HERE }