I found myself rushing around beforehand, trying to get everything ready and everyone packed, and everything done at home, so I could hopefully enjoy my time away. It had been seven months since the last time we had spent a weekend at the lake, finishing up last season.
When I had driven away that last weekend, I was over thirty pounds heavier and carried a heart filled with burdens even heavier than that. That summer I had worked so hard, and had already come so far as I processed and inched forward in my healing and Journey To Faith... but I honestly had no idea how far I still was needing to go.
I had spent nearly all of last summer resting, relaxing, reading, finding peace, and starting to feel that initial small twinge of extravagant blessing warm me deep within. I also spent nearly all of last summer not exercising and not caring about my overall health or diet. I was happy, I was humbled, I was healing, but I was not physically overly healthy. I knew it, I denied it, I hid from it, I complained about it, I tried ignoring God's whisper to be brave and face it.
But by the last weekend there, the weather was getting cool and the reality that I honestly had no fall and winter clothes that fit anymore left me a little anxious and disappointed in myself. It was to the black and white reality that my jeans weren't just "tight" after a long summer of self neglect, I could honestly not even begin to pull them up, let alone squeeze into them. My summer wardrobe of a few ratty athletic shorts and old t-shirts was not going to cut it through the approaching Iowa winter. My feet were also at war with me and I hadn't been able to put on a pair of shoes besides flip flops the entire summer due to a flare up of my old lady bunions.
I was heavy, I was out of shape, I was dreading having to say farewell to camping season and face winter... and I knew it was honestly time to face one of the things I hate doing. It was time to get back on that roller coaster weight loss ride again. I've gotten on and gotten back off more times than I can count in my life, and I did not want to do it. But I also did not want to stay where I was at, physically or mentally.
So... I embarked on my current Journey of Weight Loss. And it's been hard, really hard. I decided to embrace the hard, to try actually lose the weight correctly and not fall victim of my past eating disorder. No fad diets, no expensive magic pink products or powders, no starvation, no cheating. It was slow going... but I kept going.
I have been amazed to find that the longer it took, the harder it was... the harder I started working on it and the more I became engaged in the entire process, inside and out. As I slowly began transforming my health and my outer physical body, I was also slowly transforming my mind and my inner spiritual body.
I continued doctoring for my feet issues and as they began to improve, I began to start running again. Only minutes at a time... but I was running again, something I honestly thought I would never be able to do again. And about five months in... I actually allowed myself to officially put "Completing a Half Marathon" on my bucket list... and a month later allowed myself to official register for one and officially started training. I'm not a runner and I'm not an athlete, but my experiences and my connections with myself and others through this part of my journey continues to blow me away time and time again. A continued blessing in a really hard place of perseverance and overcome.
And seven months later, as I drove my same red mini van back into the campground, parked next to the same camper that we'd packed up that previous fall, I couldn't help but look around at all the familiar things - all my favorite things in life right now... the water, the beach, the grass and trees, the campers filled with families, friends, and laughter... and I was acutely aware of how much I was different this time in my return, aware of the small transformations that had been started over the months away. I returned the same Sara, and yet I also returned an entirely different and new Sara. I returned stronger and leaner, I returned thinner and more confident. I returned more aware and more determined than ever.
I was overwhelmed and humbled to tears at God's simple and amazing goodness and blessing multiple times over that first weekend. I cried over my coffee, I cried over the sunset, I cried in the quiet dawn as I read and prayed while my family slept. God was near, and God was good. That has not always been the case in my life... and I was very aware of its gift.
Next weekend there is a chance I will be completing and crossing off that half marathon bucket list item. This leaves me excited and anxious all at once. Excited at this possible achievement, but also anxious in how I'm going to continue forward this summer afterwards. I wonder if I will keep fighting through the hard new habits I've been working so diligently on all winter, or if I'll easily give in to the familiar old habits of lake life, giving in to indulgent eating and non existent exercise and self discipline.
I am diligently praying for God to keep me strong (physically, mentally, spiritually) and healthy and keep me moving forward through this new summer season. I'm praying I will continue to seek Him and hold on to Him and allow His continued work and transformation in me. He has proven to me over and over His amazing grace and goodness, and I am grateful. I am humble. I am healthy. I am hopeful. I am filled with joy.
{ Previous Blog post "Tackling The To-Do Lists" HERE }
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