I have to be honest, I have no idea what size I currently am, especially when it comes to stretchy athletic clothes and sports bras. I am not an athlete, and have never been one. My fitness and weight loss journey has not been focused so much on pounds and pants sizes. I have never measured anything - other than my food ounces for weight watcher points.
Well, I had an arm full of sizes and a few different style options to try on. Shopping for, and actually wearing "athletic wear" is something completely out of my realm and comfort level. (In the past I would have never considered wearing yoga pants out my front door… heck, I finally allowed myself to wear a pair of leggings with a long tunic in public for the first time only three months ago!) Well, there was one outfit I felt actually fit, but it was a loudly patterned blue matching capri and sports top. It was so completely not me in any way (you know, it wasn’t solid colored, black, and baggy…) And yet, I kept coming back to the fact that it was something that actually kind of fit… There were two other pair of athletic capris on the floor, next to two sports bras, all of which I was mentally toying with actually letting myself purchase.
Ok yes, I wanted to purchase them - because they actually fit better than everything I currently wear exercising. And well, new clothes in smaller sizes are kind of a fun thing… but I really didn’t have the money to justify this purchase (because I somehow let myself talk myself into buying a laptop a few weeks ago and I’m still dealing with buyers guilt from that even though I absolutely LOVE it)… But as I stood there looking in the mirror at myself, I found my biggest hesitancy was actually more an inability to allow myself to purchase them because of the sizes printed on their tags, irregardless that they actually fit. And if I didn't allow myself to buy the size I was actually currently in, then I also wouldn't have to continue to keep working so diligently to have to maintain my current status quo.
I’m half marathon training (and I don’t know why, because I’m not a runner you know…) but I am in a season of diligently working out and I’m actually kind of healthy right now. But this is not my normal, don’t be mistaken here… Long term diet and exercise success are not my strength. Giving up, quitting, roller coaster weight gain and loss, seasons between almost success and utter defeat are my go-to over and over and over again.
So, why should I allow myself to celebrate the success I am currently at, when I probably won’t stay there much longer anyway? Why spend money on something that might not fit me forever - heck it might not fit me next month... Why indulge in a non-necessity? I’m scheduled to run that 13.1 miles in less than seven days - what if I quit running and exercising all together eight days from now? I’ll have then sweat in them (maybe a little anyway - as I don’t sweat either), would have had to have taken the tags off, and then I wouldn't be able to return them any longer. And if I can’t return them, and I can’t possibly wear them forever (or even next month), then I couldn't allow myself to grant justification to purchase and wear them right now, when in fact, they would actually fit and would have an actual purpose.
I so wanted to embrace this far out, fun blue patterned workout outfit… but instead it left me in tears, sad sobs from a hurt and fear deep within… I was at a crossroads between feeling far too old, remembering ache of past failures, a battle of self consciousness, and trying to deny acknowledging my current successes. There was a guilt, a gratitude, a humbleness, an excitement, and a heavy dread all mixed around it as well. My emotions were suddenly as jumbled as the fabric pattern in my hands.
Granted I was tired, it was the end of a long day, after a long weekend. I’d been putting in some big training days physically, I'd been putting in some big days mentally as a mom, wife, and full time employee who’s lightly navigating a season of change - both outside in nature, inside within myself, as well as around me at work.
Later that night after I got home and was awake in bed thinking about it, still taken off guard by how easy the lies and whisper of “less than” could still seep in and affect me, even after all the hard work and success I have currently come to achieve. In the blink of an eye that had all been momentarily stripped away as I stood facing myself in a full length mirror in a poorly lit small dressing room of a dirty megastore.
I had come out of that room in tears and left my poor husband pushing the cart behind me as I walked away attempting to re-collect myself, totally clueless as to what in the world had just happened. I hadn't even come out and let him see me in any of them... But then he did something… he took those clothes, with their price tags and size stickers, put them in the cart, and purchased them. I found them when I got home. He said I could return them if I decided I really didn’t want them.
He believed in me, he was proud of me, he wanted to continue to invest in me, to support my current dreams and passions, to simply be present in my present. And then he quietly said - “Honey, they’re workout clothes - they’re designed to be tight, who cares if you aren’t this size forever. Just give them a try, who knows - maybe you’ll really like them.”
Who cares if you aren’t this size forever. Those are some powerful words for an obsessed protectionist with overachieving, under-performing tendencies to try ingest. He has never uttered two words (positive or negative) about my weight in the entire time I have known him (and I have fluctuated 20-30-40 pounds up and down more than once), and I've always been grateful for that. I’m the one in our relationship who carries around the crazy self image complex and lack of confidence, which leaves me with Walmart meltdowns.
Today. Today I am healthy. Today I am an almost runner, who just might run a half marathon, and who just might wear a crazy blue workout outfit out in public. This moment within today is all we are guaranteed. I have learned this over and over on this Journey To Faith. Again I am brought back in, again I am reminded of the importance of right here and right now.
Again I am grateful and humbled for all God has blessed me with.
Don’t waste today worrying about tomorrow. Don’t waste today stumbling over yesterday. Live today, fully and faithfully, in the right now of the true gift that it is.
And by gosh by golly... seriously, let's all just wear the clothes that fit us today, right now! Whether that means buying another size up, or buying a few sizes smaller, let's all stop trying to squeeze into things too tight and drown in things too big. Life is far too short for dressing room drama! :-)
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