I've been working really hard on finding my happy, finding my sparkle, finding the good... and not being grumpy, not being crabby, not being irrational, moody, emotional and not being excessively expectant on both myself and those around me. Today challenged all of that forward progress, and I am probably not going to go away with any great awards or metals.
It was a long, cold weekend. A weekend that was actually far to short. I blinked a few times and suddenly found the weekend already over and I was somehow stumbling out of bed bright and early this morning to feed the dog, attack the treadmill, laundry, spelling words, and a few more days of school before officially embarking on full time summer daycare bills.
I stood in the bathroom getting ready this morning (I was kind of hiding out if I’m being honest again) and could hear the "every morning grumbling" out in the kitchen break the silence. Parent child bantering over getting up (even if you don't want to), eating breakfast (even if you don't want to), and quit being so grumpy (even if you don't want to). There was a lot of whining, stomping, disrespect, angry eyes and “no’s” from the little child wrapped like a cocoon in the four full size blankets he grabbed on his way out of his room moments earlier. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and emerged to greet them and officially join the war zone (even though I didn't want to).
Why do the mornings have to start this way? Is ours the only house of grumpy out there? Surely we aren’t the only house that grumbles over eating, dressing, shoes, teeth brushing, and backpacks the first hour of nearly every.single.morning…? (...I know, I know, enjoy these moments, do not wish them away... I know, I know, they grow up fast and some day I will miss this... but dear Heaven's would someone please just come and make him EAT something for breakfast, anything really is fine - cake, chocolate, hotdog, popcorn - you pick it, you battle it, I just can't today...)
I did survive the morning, I didn’t lose my cool (too much), I wasn’t (too) late to work… But the heaviness seemed to continue hanging low on my shoulders all day. The coffee didn't perk me up, and I ended up warming that first cup up over three times before finally just throwing the last bit down the drain. I ran the tap to rinse it away, silently wishing there was a way to consciously rinse all my own heaviness and grumpiness away right along with it.
I went home at lunch and decided to make some jello. Except I couldn't find two boxes of flavors I could mix together. (You can get by mixing strawberry and raspberry together - but grape, or lime, or orange together, nope - sorry charlie) So, I had this great idea to "surprise" my family with broken glass jello salad for supper! Two separate flavors, cut in cute squares, carefully tossed with some cool whip. Oh how fun!
I boiled the water and got out two of our containers we typically store leftovers in. (You know, out of that horrid drawer that contains all those miscellaneous and mismatch lids and storage containers that don't stack and don't match and you can never find the right lid for and swear every.single.time you are going to just throw them all away and go buy brand new, so that everything actually matches and stacks). Yeah, out of that drawer I pulled two containers.
I poured in the orange jello powder and boiling water. I poured in the lime jello powder and boiling water. Stirred. Added cold water. Stirred. Couldn't find lids that fit... so I continued to dig, and as I dug... I started to feel a warm drip on my arm from above. There was warm orange liquid jello dripping off the top of the counter down into that horrid drawer of mismatch "tupperware" (none of which is actually "true tupperware" brand).
Apparently there was a hole in the container I had grabbed... to which I also couldn't find a lid for. So I grabbed another container and quickly poured it over, as I walked across the kitchen to the sink. And you know what - THAT container also started dripping on the counter by the sink. I quickly poured it into a third container (out of the horrid drawer that was now becoming heavily dotted with warm sticky liquid orange jello that was continuing to drip down from the countertop above it on the other side of the kitchen). I finally opened the fridge and just set it on the shelf without a lid, the heck with it.
I turned to get the lime jello container, which I carefully tried to place in the fridge next to the liquid orange jello container (with no lid), except it slipped a little, jostling the liquid orange jello container, which then splashed over the sides and started seeping under everything on the shelf around it. By the time I had returned to the fridge with a wash rag (after stick stick sticking to the floor with each step I took from all the back-and-forth dripping jello droplets), I opened the fridge door and was met with a slow stream of liquid lime jello now mixing in, because of course that container had a hole in it too. I now had dripped and running warm liquid jello on the counter, in my horrid "tupperware" drawer, on the floor, and all over an entire shelf of my fridge.
Seriously. Was this honestly seriously happening?!? Oh you bet your bottom it was. I hauled them both back out and finally put them in large crack-free ceramic bowls, stacked them on top of each other with a dinner plate in between. Forty minutes later I finished washing off the counters, the floor, the horrid drawer and all its mismatch contents, and the fridge shelf and all its whatever fridge contents. All that for some stupid broken glass jello in two flavors I don't even like, which my family probably won't even eat.
I returned from lunch fully aware I was in an even grumpier mood than I had been when I had left. I was honestly wishing I could steer clear of myself, but every time I turned around, there I was. I just continued to do regulation deep breathing with my eyes closed, willing the minutes and hours to pass so I could reach the end of this miserable day and go to bed. I told myself over and over again to stay calm, stay cool, come to grips with the fact that I'm tired, I'm irritable, others around me are maybe also a little tired and irritable, and I need to grant myself and all those around me a huge heap of grace today.
Ok, so I guess I'm grateful that I've been becoming more aware of my own idiosyncrasies… time and again this year I have repeated to myself, and anyone else listening "I sure wouldn't want to live with myself, that's for sure! I know I have to be a hard person to live with!" Steer clear of mama, sometimes mama needs a time out too.
I have been working really hard at becoming more conscious of my downfalls, my failings, my trigger points, my weaknesses, my days and moments... attempting to hold myself more accountable to my actions and reactions, my words and my body language, my thoughts and my feelings.
I have found it really hard to look inward and see some of the hard things I don't want to see or acknowledge about myself. I have found it also really hard to take that next step beyond the acknowledgement and attempt to actually change. Change is hard. Especially when you finally realize it isn't everyone else who needs to change - but it's in fact you who needs to change.
So, where am I going with all of this you ask?!? You know, I honestly don't even really know. I guess I just am wanting to admit I had a bad day, a heavy grumpy day, full of feelings of overwhelm, irritation, and warm drippy liquid green jello. I'm not perfect, so very very far from... but I am fervently trying to be more aware, more conscious of, more in tune with the baggage and junk I'm slinging around. I'm trying to be more sensitive of where the shrapnel of my bad days is going to land and who is going to get hurt in my line of fire.
My day left the insides of me not wanting to make the best choices in my thoughts and reactions... yet I found my mind did want to consciously at least try to make better choices with my words and actions in spite of it. I still fell so short today, and I still have so far to go when it comes to handling my grumpy days well. I still totally crash and burn over and over again with every passing day, every passing hour, and unfortunately that is not going to change until the day I reach the pearly gates.
But I'm starting to realize I cannot continue to let one bad day define all of who I am. I can't continue to allow one bad day turn into another bad day, another bad week, another bad month, another bad year. I have come too far to only come this far, and there is this word I have recently come across called grace.
I am finding that grace is something we need to learn how to both grant to others in abundance, and grant to ourselves in even greater abundance. Grace says - you are human, but you are still so loved by God and by so many around you. Grace says you are imperfect, but you are still so worthy of greatness and great things. Grace says you are limited and lacking, but you are still fully enough. Grace says you cannot do this alone, but you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Grace says always give others the benefit of the doubt, and always give yourself the love and leniency to overcome the beast of unattainable perfection within you.
Grace says - you are forgiven, you are loved, and you are worth it.
Grace says live and love fully. Grace says tomorrow is a new day. Grace says rest well tonight and embrace the morning dawn with all the promise and grandeur and potential only you are capable of unleashing. Grace says turn and walk away from yesterday, learn from today.
Grace says the future is still yours for the taking, yours for the making, you just need to take the next best step... you just need to take the next best step... stop stumbling over today, stop hanging on to yesterday, and just step into your tomorrow boldly and bravely with hands, hearts, and minds open and accepting of the journey still before you.
Go be that awesome grace-filled big hot mess God has created you to be (and for gracious sake - just skip the jello for supper, it's totally not worth it! [wink])!
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I love this, Sara! I'm working on just "taking the next bext step" too! xo!
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