Tackling The To-Do Lists

This might surprise you, but I am a crazy list person. (insert LOL emoji) I am organized and driven by the rows and rows, lines and lines of set and random things I need to do, to accomplish, to overcome, to cross off. I have lists on the counter at home. I have lists on the counter at work.  I'm one of those who puts "make lists" on my to-do list. There is nothing better than the faint smell of sharpie marker after a productive day.

I have been a list maker for as long as I remember. My mom is a list maker… she taught and modeled by great example. I grew up within the mindset that life is measured by what we do, what we accomplish, what we achieve and what we overachieve. Lists are a tangible, visible way to organize, accomplish, and ultimately view all that we do - or at least aspire to do.

But here’s the things about my lists. Every day, every week I would put on all this stuff, all the things that I felt needed to be done before I could move on to anything “personal,” anything “fun,” anything not “work”. I would require myself to get through that entire two column list before I would allow myself to even consider taking the time to scrapbook, to read, to write, to exercise… Anything before that would surely be selfish and not justified.

But, I’ve recently started changing some of the “whats” that I put on my to-do list.

Oh there’s still all the crazy things that need to get done. The laundry, the dishes, vacuuming, ordering groceries, meal planning and prep, etc etc… But I have started actually putting personal things I want to do, things I enjoy, things I like to do on the list, while intentionally not putting every little needed task on the list, in hopes to actually make time for some of the other things that help fill me, things that are the salves to my weary soul.

I’ve allowed myself to identify and allot time for things for me, myself, and I.

I decided to try adding just a few specific things on my to-do list like ~ "Monday exercise: 4 Elliptical miles, Weekend long run: 12 miles, Read 2 chapters, Write 1 new blog, Scrapbook 8 pages, Process, organize, upload photos through current date, etc etc". And I decided to leave off things ~ "Clean bathroom, Dust main floor, Deep clean entire bedroom"… Simply allowing myself to leave some of the things off the list that I never seem to get to anyway, being ok with the fact my house will be a little more messy so I can embrace and love on the messy of myself a little more.

Oh who am I trying to kid, my house has always been messy! I guess I’m just trying to stop using up ten lines on my to-do list attempting to perfect the imperfect, and opening up a few lines to allow some margin in my day, to work on embracing more of my life and the things I really want to do, should be allowing myself to do.

The needs of my family, home, friends, and jobs are still the majority of the lines on my lists of course, but I am trying hard to consciously overcome that ingrained guilt associated with self care… soul care… me time… I have been amazed to find that by allowing little bits of time for my own self has benefited my life, and all those around me, tenfold. It’s a crazy concept really… taking more time away from others and giving more time to ourselves, we actually all benefit immensely.

Loving yourself is interestingly very hard. Balancing self love and soul care is oddly super tricky. Lowering the bar of achievement and perfection is an odd ladder to come down from. I have found there are so many mind games and social anxieties involved in this transition.

Like everything in life, there are days and seasons when it’s easier and I’m much more successful. There are moments and minutes when I fail the balancing of it all - when I’m a little too selfish in my own time and commitment to myself, or when I allow myself to listen to the whispers that I’m actually not worth the time and effort.

I will never master or conquer my to-do lists. I will always and forever find more I want, or feel, I need to do than I will ever be able to accomplish. I will never be one that will stop creating lists week after week after week. I will unfortunately always be a quirky over-organized overachiever. I will never understand how there are people in life who actually successfully navigate life and stores without operating and being closely attached to a clear plan-of-attack scrawled on pieces of paper here, there, and everywhere.

But, I so pray I will continue to at least attempt onward with this self awareness, knowing I need to more-than-occasionally insert myself, my health, my loves, my joys onto the lines and spaces of my daily life.

We cannot continue to forever cross off the necessary and mundane tasks of our lives without stopping to rest and refill our own selves. And we cannot rest and fill our own selves without intentionality, without a tiny layer of selfishness, and without an awareness and fighting grace that we are in fact, absolutely worth it.

{ Previous Blog, "Dressing Room Meltdown" HERE }