Almost There

My half marathon training schedule says next week is thee week. There’s a 13.1 staring back at me in bold numbers at the end of next week.

I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it… and I’m afraid that I actually just might do it.

This number has been in my mind and on my bucket list for so long that I’m actually uneasy as to how to process the possibility of crossing it off my list. I’m caught between the dream of achievement, the fear of failure, and the worry about what’s next…

I’m standing at the point of “almost there”… and yet I also feel like the final destination is on another entire mountaintop in the far off distance. I can see it, but there is a lot of ground, a lot of work involved in actually getting there. I still have a few days of serious training and mental motivation to endure. I have come so far… but I still have so far yet to go.

If I’m honest, there’s a huge part of me that wants to just quit right now. I don’t actually want to have to physically run a 12 mile long run this week and a 13.1 long run next week. I want to complete the goal, but I don’t actually want to have to do the actual physical act of accomplishing it. Ummmm, that actually sounds odd as I say it. Why would I aspire to accomplishing something I don’t actually want to even do?

Oh wait… perhaps that’s entirely the reason why I’m doing it! To prove, to push, to endure, to challenge, to overcome, to prove, to complete.

But then what… what’s next? Will I ever need to think about doing this again? Will I have to think about going the next step…15 miles next? God forbid, please not a full marathon next!! Now, granted I am signed up to run another half marathon later this fall, so for now I guess I know what’s next… I will need to start back at week one on my training and cycle through the miles again.

But I can’t help but wonder how, and if, it will be different. Right now I am working on achieving something, something that I have never reached or attained prior in my life. This is a first time gig… not a repeat affair. I have no expectations, no comparisons, no previous records to try match or compare or better than. And I have no idea why I am even doing it.

In a way I feel this leaves me at a huge advantage, leaning on the heavy side of success. But I also wonder if this won’t ultimately leave me at a gaping disadvantage, erring on the sloping slide of failure… comparison failure. Ignorance is bliss so they say. Right now every added mile is a success. Every conquered workout is a record breaker. But there is a possibility that after next week, if I would in fact convince my body, my head - my heart - my feet, to all coincide together long enough to reach that far off 13.1 goal… that will all change.

Suddenly my running app will contain previous information on that same distance and will pop up with comparisons. Suddenly my mind will contain an ingrained memory of how I felt and how I performed and how I handled my expectations and implementations of the moment. I will have to shift from unknown expectancy to known comparison. I’m not sure how I feel about that, I’m not sure what my “crazy brain” is going to do with all that…

I am not a runner. I am not an athlete. I am a repeat out-of-shape, overweight, perfectionist who finally listened to the incredibly odd whisper inside pushing me to this crazy accomplishment. This is a far off, really hard goal I let myself, for some completely unknown reason, believe I might actually be able to someday accomplish.  And now, there is also this tiny whisper in the back of my mind telling me that to a "real runner," this training wouldn't be hard.  This distance would be no-big-deal.  A "real runner" wouldn't give a second thought to double digit mileage work outs and hard core training.  I feel defeated, I feel weak, I feel like quitting.

Lies.  I know it's all lies, and yet... I listen anyway.

So... if this non-runner, non-athlete accomplishes this one specific task… will I need to automatically change that status? Will a 13.1 accomplishment automatically make me a runner… an athlete? No, I don’t think it will, but I’m not sure who actually defines that definition. Is it me, or is it society? Will my mind ever allow myself to view myself as a runner, no matter how far I can actually convince and torture my body into going? I don’t honestly think so.

Technically, I have been told, if you put shoes on and run… you’re a runner. Why have I not allowed this truth to sink into the depths of my wildly beating heart just yet? Hmmmmmmm…. another pondering for another day perhaps [wink]…

But for now… for the immediate days and season in front of me… whether I’m an “actual” runner or not, is irregardless… I have a short term goal, with long term implications immediately in front of me. It’s almost here, it’s almost the moment of truth. Can I do it? Can I achieve it? Can I actually complete and finish this goal? Or will it continue on, just another unattainable far off dream forever?

What if I can’t ever accomplish this one specific thing? What is its propose then? And why am I even sitting here thinking and fretting over this in the grand scheme of life?!? Why does it even really matter? Why have I allowed myself to wallow and worry about the success or failure associated with this odd 13.1 number anyway?

I have suddenly gotten stuck and focused on an end - which hopefully isn’t even going to be an end… hopefully it will merely be a short stopping point, a red push pin on the map of my life. A moment of breathless accomplishment before listening for the whisper of whatever is next.

And, I do not need to worry about what’s next… I don’t need to define myself as a runner, or a non-runner… I don’t need to label myself as a success or a failure. I merely need to just somehow stop and remind myself this is simply all about the journey. It’s about the entire path in the middle, the entire road I get to travel on, the entire experience and process - not just one moment at a finish line. Live and run wild in the whole of the journey.

Get up. Do the hard. Rest well. Repeat. A powerful mantra I just need to keep lacing up, letting loose day after day, and pounding into the very pavement of my being.

This moment, right now is a hats off and two thumbs up to the getting up... to the hard... to the rest... to the doing it all over again and again...

#runlikethewindbullseye   #embracethehard   #healthyiswealthy   #gettnmysparkleback   #journeytofaith   #yougogirl

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