Adulting is Hard

The van has rust.

The dog is aging and has arthritis. 

The water softener is out of salt. 

The credit card and hospital bills lay on the counter needing to be paid.

There's hair in the shower drain, beard trimmings behind the sink, there's a green film in the fish tank.

The stack of dirty dishes pile high on the counter, the green light indicating "Clean" clearly visible on the dishwasher below, silently waiting to be emptied.

There are dirty band-aids, wads of tin foil, bits of candy wrappers, and various stacks of rocks on every flat surface throughout the entire house.

Summer daycare is looming just around the corner with it's hefty price tag whispering in my ear, and a nine-year-old with internal processing issues who is taking his unknown aversion to the impending change out on everyone in the form of anger and grumpiness.

Supper isn't going to make itself.  The house cleaning fairy isn't going to magically show up and clean the house.  The groceries aren't going to find their into my fridge and cupboards all on their own.  The fact the keurig needs water before I can brew another cup of coffee even makes me irritable.

There are loads of laundry no one else seems to see.  The pile of mismatch socks growing on top of the dryer is just about ready to make me absolutely explode. Like seriously, absolutely explode. I hold that lone, lost, dingy white single sock, no partner in sight amid the stack of other lost sock souls, and I almost start shaking with how much this upsets me right now.

I am the mom here gosh darnit!!  Dear God would someone... anyone... please just see me?!?  Help me?!?  Thank me?!? It was Mother's Day just yesterday for heaven's sake, I am sure not feeling very celebrated today, thank you very much!! And why is it so incredibly hard to get all of your socks in the laundry together?!?

It all leaves me standing here feeling so incredibly selfish, and so incredibly self justified all at the same time.  It never ceases to amaze me how quickly those life moments of magic can turn into moments of sheer manic in less than two seconds flat.

How do you go from a weekend of sun, fun, friends, and relaxation... to meltdown, sunburn, laundry overload, and thunderstorms in a matter of what... minutes?!? How do you go from the "Thanks for the great weekend Babe" lighthearted sigh to the thoughts "Dear Lord in Heaven, so help me if he doesn't get off that couch and off his damn phone... I'm going to... I'm going to... leave!" screaming through my mind, as my eyes shoot daggers across the piled high kitchen counter.

Seriously, what in the world is wrong with my ever lovin' mind some days?!!?!

My life always seems to be at the extremes of both/and and either/or.  There never seems to be a happy medium.  All or nothing.  Go big of go home.  Love ya yesterday, hate ya today.  Best mom ever, worst mom ever.  Just another day in paradise.

And yet, it really is another day in paradise, seriously, it is... without all the dripping sarcasm and eye daggers.  Why is that so hard to grasp some days?  Why is finding the sunshine such a hard task on even the brightest of days?

Why do I get so grumpy and bitter at the very thing I know so many others are longing for?  Why do I take for granted the very people who honestly mean the most to me?  Why do I treat those closest to me worse than everyone else outside the width and breadth of my short arms?

Some days adulting is just hard.  Plain and simple ~ some days adulting just stinks.  It can leave you raw, edgy, and broken.  Confused and shattered. Helpless and just rather... lost.

I long for those lazy days of summer with swingsets and swimming pools, when I was still ignorant and blind to the world's big, bold realities around me.  Clueless to the real responsibilities awaiting me, naive to bills, deadlines, time management, and how to properly navigate relational dynamics.

Now I long for my kiddos to have those same lazy days of summer without all the stress of my todays adulting reality... but it's in that valley between truth vs myth... reality vs imagination... childhood vs adulthood where everything tends to fall apart a little bit for me, where the magic and the manic collide and create a vortex of selfishness and self justification.  It's where I lose it a little, and in the process lose myself a little.

And then I'm quietly reminded of a quote I saw recently on social media.  "If you can change your mind, you can change your life" ~ William James.   I need to intentionally change my mind, my heart, my attitude so it doesn't continue to sour and scar me, my family, my friends.

Find the sunshine.  Leave behind the bitter.  All easier said than done, I completely realize.  I will try to adult well today.  I will try to adult better today than I did yesterday.  I shall try just embrace the day, embrace the moments.  Just do what needs to be done, try find the joy and appreciation in abundance in this one life I have been given.

Stop. Breathe.  Step back.  Step away.

Stop. Breathe.  Look away.  Look up.

Stop. Breathe.  Target the why.  Turn it around.

Stop. Breathe.  Move forward.  Move in.

Stop. Breathe.  Forgive them.  Forgive yourself.

Stop. Breathe.  Open your hands.  Let it go.

Stop. Breathe.  Open your heart.  Let them in.

Stop. Breathe.  Love them.  Love yourself.
Stop. Breathe.  Embrace today.  Embrace the hard.

{ Previous Post "Happy Mother's Day Mom" HERE }