Run Mommy Run 25K

In two days I will wake up, and the calendar is going to show it's March 27th.  A birth day for one of our children.  A goodbye day for one of our children.  And probably thee hardest, darkest, most painful (physically, mentally, spiritually) days of my current forty-three years of life.

Is it a day to celebrate?  A day to ignore? A day to dread? A day to look forward to?  Perhaps it's a day of all of the above, but how in the world does one accomplish that?  How does one celebrate and remember something hard, someone who isn't actually here on earth any more, something that could be easily forgotten, overlooked, ignored.

As the mom of this precious little one who was created and carried within me, and then gently placed directly in the arms of Jesus before she ever made it to my arms, I don't want to forget, I don't want to ignore, but I also don't know how to properly "celebrate" this.  This is our third year already that this date will have come and gone through our calendar since that dark, cold, painful Palm Sunday weekend back in 2015.

I think about this date a lot.  I worry, I dread, I wonder, I plan how to wake up and travel the hours through that date.  Some months it's far off and distant, some months it's starting to loom closer and closer, the urgency to be ready, be prepared growing within me, but that date is always whispering somewhere close to the surface of my thoughts at all times.

I fear doing too much.  I fear not doing enough.  I of course realize there is no right or wrong answer or need to over analyze any of this, and if there was someone with a grievance or opinion out there towards me and what I chose to do, that is not my issue or worry.  But all that being said, I still want to do something special, something personal, something that is enough, without unnecessary extravagance.

For whatever reason, that is important to me.  Deeply important to me.

Back in October, shortly after I ran a half marathon in DesMoines, surrounded by over eight thousand other runners and spectators, I was out on a run, alone, by myself.  It was quite cool, dreary, windy, but I went out anyway.  And as I was battling that inner demon telling me I wasn't a real runner, that I wasn't fast enough, strong enough, that I needed to just stop and walk (and fail), God also again whispered an idea of how I could celebrate and remember Faith this year on her birth date.

I could run a race.  I am really not a runner in my mind (even though I do actually run quite a bit, truth be told).  I could train and run something specifically in memory and honor of her, on her day.  I could do something I really didn't want to do, something that would take months to daily prepare for ahead of time, something that would be physically, mentally, spiritually hard.  Something that would challenge me, push me, humble me, motivate me.  This would not be just any run, this run would have to be something perfectly symbolic of our little Faith MaryJo and her birth.

I got home from that run, showered, and sat in silence on my laptop and I began to plan. I searched for races, and distances, and training programs.  My laptop filled with open windows and tabs of various options to consider.

I narrowed it down and finally registered for a virtual "Run Mommy Run" race, and I decided on a 25K distance. 15.55 miles.  I already had signed up to run a half marathon on my birthday, which would be 13.1 miles on March 10th.  I decided adding just a few more miles would be the perfect representation to having to do something farther than I surely wanted to go, something harder than I thought I could survive or accomplish on my own ~ knowing it will take God's help to get me to and through.  The weather in March is always a crapshoot, but if the weather would happen to be warm enough, I would run it outside and start and end at the cemetery, after dropping my nine-year-old off at school.  Ok so back in October I may have initially said - no matter what the weather, I would be running it outside...

I found running tights with an awesome angel wing print on them (which happen to match both my back tattoo and the back of her headstone).  I found a tank top that said "I have footprint on my heart" (and all proceeds went to support child loss), and the race t-shirt, bib, and metal arrived, and everything went together so well.  I carefully put everything together and started filling out my training calendar, and then I slowly started checking off the days, weeks, months of that training.  I may have also booked myself a massage appointment the afternoon of the race, and asked for the entire day off work.  Why not?!?

To some I realize this whole thing is probably ridiculous, cheesy, and possibly to some ~ virtual races don't actually even count as anything.  But, this was my plan, my goal, my hope for celebrating and remembering, and I was both excited and dreading it all at the same time.

So... here we are.  March 25th.  In two days I will wake up and the calendar will tell me it's March 27.  It will be the day to run, the day to do something ridiculously hard (for me anyway running that far is going to be unbelievably hard) to honor, to remember, to represent that little baby we were given and then not allowed to keep as long as we'd have liked.

She'll be celebrating in heaven while we will be celebrating on earth.

Of course as soon as the ten day forecast hit my weather app, I started to over think, over process, and over analyze the where part and details of the running location for this race.  In a perfect world it will be sunny, no wind, no snow, and 62 degrees out that morning, like the morning of her funeral.  But the reality is not quite looking as such, and I began the mental process of how it would look if I didn't start and finish at the cemetery.  I started sending out random SOS texts to my fellow supporters and asking questions like "Would it be considered cheating if I did my Faith run on the elliptical instead of outside in the cold?" And bless all of their hearts ... they all calmly listened to me process and then ensured me no matter what I end up doing - no matter how far the distance I end up completing - no matter where I run it at, or what machine I log it on - it will still count, it will still be special, it will still be the perfect celebration of her life and our loss.

If I am being completely honest with myself, I also realized that perhaps some of my inner tension and small reasoning behind pegging such a long hard distance to this race goal, is just maybe... in small part... also a way of punishment to my body for failing me.  For failing to be fertile for years and years and years of my life, for failing to fully nurture and grow the life of two precious littles that both had tiny beating hearts within my womb but never outside me.  Running is something mind over matter, something that is somewhat within my control (or so I'd like to at least think).

And yes, of course I know my body is not the reason of their deaths and does not need to be punished - but as I processed the reasoning behind my sudden dilemma over running it inside vs outside, I knew this was something I needed to personally process and mentally address.

My friends all so clearly replied "What would Faith want you to do?  She would want you to run something, do something, accomplish something that allows you to feel confident and accomplished afterward.  She wouldn't care if you decide to run it outside, or on your treadmill, or on your elliptical, or if you just walked one mile and then laid on the floor of your basement and cried your eyes out for the next two hours.  She would want you to do something that you feel excited about doing, something you are able to do and celebrate as something great."

So ... as of today I'm still undecided as to where I will actually do the race, but more than likely it will be inside vs outside, because truth be told I do not like running outside in the cold, and if I'm truly doing this as celebration and not punishment, I do not need to require myself to endure both the distance and the cold if I really don't want to or have to.  I will not be a failure if I don't run it outside, and I will not be cheating if I do it on my elliptical. I also won't be a failure if I'm not actually able to make it the entire distance (running, walking, or otherwise).

I've told a few people what I'm going to be doing, but like her pregnancy, most probably won't know until it's over.  I'm not doing this run so I can boast about it, I'm doing it for entirely personal reasons to fully celebrate and represent her, and her life, and my life's journey because of her. 

This one's for you Faith MaryJo!! This one's for YOU!!

#runlikethewindbullseye #faithmaryjo #embracethehard #journeytofaith #runningnonrunner #angelmama #stillbirth #childloss #25ktraining 

{ Previous blog post "The Eve of Another Half Marathon" HERE }

{ My Journey to Faith story starts HERE }

Eve of another Half Marathon

Well, I just put in the last workout for this current half marathon training.

Yes, I have arrived at the eve of yet another half marathon.  I've had this one on my calendar since October, and have been officially training for it for the past three months.  It seemed so far away... and now here it almost is.  24 hours away.  24 hours.

Am I ready? Will I be able to finish? Will I be able to complete the whole distance without stopping?  What if I can't finish?  What if I DNF?  Maybe I better not even tell anyone I'm doing this, because then if I fail, no one will even need to know, it will be my own little secret of shame.  What a minute - why am I even doing this?!?  This is stupid, this is crazy, what was I thinking?!?

These are all things I'm thinking about today, the runaway thoughts of all the little butterflies fluttering within me.  And yet, it doesn't really matter.  None of it actually matters to anyone ... except myself.  Whether I get up tomorrow and do this or not is not going to make one difference to the rest of the world except myself. 

Funny how that works.  Within our minds we create and manifest our goals and personal expectations, often to a level we will never be able to actually achieve.  We set the bar inside us for what our worth and value is.  And we set that bar based on how we perceive the world and society around us, and how we think they are perceiving us.  We set that bar based on what others are doing, what others have done, and what others haven't yet done yet in comparison to what we are doing, what we have done, and what we haven't yet done yet.  We set that bar based on what's usually a false expectation of unattainable perfection.  And we then proceed to nearly kill ourselves in it's endless pursuit.  It can bring it to our greatest, and it can also bring it to our worst.

We watch the news, we get poisoned by the advertisements, we follow the social media avenues of false realities continually cutting us down in all our lack and shortcomings.  Our mind is our own worst enemy, and the worlds most dangerous weapon.

Does anyone but me care that I didn't quite make my race day goal weight?  Nope.

Does anyone but me care that I'm going to run a half marathon tomorrow morning, and with the weather we currently have in this glorious state of Iowa, I'm probably going to end up having to do it in my basement on a machine that isn't even going to move one inch?  Nope.

Does it matter to anyone if I'm running 13.1 miles by myself or if I'm running alongside 8,000 other runners at the same time to "achieve" this accomplishment tomorrow?  Nope.

Does anyone but me care that I didn't miss one single workout, not one single mile of my training?  Nope. Nope and Nope.

Turn that around through and ask if I care? Oh me oh my, yes indeed.  It's what drives me, motivates me, gets me up in the morning, keeps me up at night.  It's what fires up the crazy and backfires again the sanity.

We set our goals, we dream our dreams, we chase our realities, we pray for our miracles, we bank on our hopes and fears of success vs failures - and we ourselves are the ones who ultimately write the definition of what exactly is considered our "successes" and what exactly is considered our "failures".

The whole thing really is a rather complex and interesting process and reality isn't it?!?  We're each our own, and yet we are also all each directly integrated and woven into each other.  We live, we love, we encourage, we walk beside, we hurt, we scar, we hinder both ourselves and others all along the way. We lift up, we let down. It's a mix and match of teamwork, and that of me, myself, and I.  It's being totally giving, and totally selfish, somehow all at the same time.

It's what's a given.  It's what's expected.  It's what drives us to greatness.  It's what drives us to worthiness. And it's what drives us to false worthlessness.

It's all merely a game, a perception yet a reality, a force that drives us, propels us, forces us, motivates us, moves us, and ultimately makes us each who we are.  It's what gives us the words, the actions, the decisions, and definitions to our very own thoughts, beliefs, and identities, which in turn will affect and touch the lives of all those around us, who are also busy attempting to live a life being ultimately who they are.

So does what we are doing matter to the rest of the world? Nope.

Ok, yes - perhaps overall, the world as a whole, really isn't all that interested in what the rest of the world is doing... but what we do does matter to some.  It does matter to those who are rooting us on, loving us, who are part of our tribe, the ones believing in us each and every day.

What we do does matter - and we need to continue to allow ourselves to let it matter.  If it matters to me, if it matters to you, then it matters - and it's important and it's worth it.  It's worth pursuing and persevering towards, no matter what the cost.

We need to stop listening to the mumbled drone of the world's overall lost photoshoped imperfect perfections and tune in to the clear voices within ourselves.  We need to continue to listen to what our hearts and souls are driving us towards, listen to what our hopes and dreams are propelling us towards, listen to what our bodies are asking us to do... and then... let it matter.

Live fully the life we have been given, live to be the greatest and best you you can be, and live to help everyone else live to be their greatest and their best they can be.

Let it matter.  Let yourself matter.  Let your dreams matter.  Find your tribe - find those who love you and root you on and listen to their love and hang on to their support.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross,scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." ~Hebrews 12:1-3

{ Previous Blog Post "So Let The Sun Shine In" HERE }

So Let The Sun Shine In

Do you remember that old song from when you were a kid...

"So let the sun shine in... face it with a grin... open up your heart and let the sunnnn shineeee innnn."

This is the song that has been playing in the my head the last two days.  Over and over and over... and it makes me smile every time it starts playing.  It's been a while since I've smiled.

I live it Iowa, and it's winter, and we haven't had a lot of sun or warmth in a while.  So much snow and so much cold... and my personal outlook was starting to feel about as cold and stark and bleak as the weather outside.

And then yesterday... the sun came out, the temperatures rose just a little, and there was almost the hint of spring in the air.  There was some melting snow trickling down the street curbs, and the sun honestly I think touched a part of my very soul.  I found myself sitting with eyes closed at my desk, just sitting in the sun, soaking in the blinding rays, and as I sat there silent and still, I heard the words whispered through an exhale "Oh this sun is good for my soul..."

So so good for my weary, worn, troubled soul.

I've been a little on the down and out, a little on the life is heavy side of things lately.  I know it, I'm aware of it, I've tried to just own it and embrace it.  I've tried to just keep muddling through it, attempting to just hold on as hard as I can for as long as I can.  I was quickly fading fast, my endurance and my strength screaming their resistance to me.

I am officially down to my last week of half marathon training before my run next Saturday morning.  Today was that blessed eight mile "easy" run after three weeks in a row of double digit long runs.  I admit, I'm laughing out loud at myself as I write this... who am I trying to kid, I am not a runner, and what non-runner gets joy in getting an "easy" training day that is "only" a "short" eight miles?!? ~LOL.  And perhaps on a more serious note, I do think at some point I do need to own up to the fact that maybe, just maybe, I am in fact, a "real runner."  I have denied this year after year after year... but maybe one of these days I'm going to have to swallow my insecurities and my excuses and just call myself a runner.  (Maybe next week I'll take on that inner battle once and for all ~wink.)

I'm starting to get a little nervous, a tiny bit excited, and just a little anxious.  Am I ready? Will I be able to make it the entire distance? Will the pain in my feet become more than I can bare before I reach the finish?  My weight is not where I want it to be a week before a race, but I guess it is what it is.  The heaviness and obsessive overwhelm has finally started to lift a little, that glorious sunshine melting it away perhaps.

My heart is still pumping, my body is still alive and well, my legs are still able to run, and Lord willing I will add another number to my life next week.

And I plan to celebrate that, and I will try keep those obsessive demons of failure from breathing their poison and lies into my mind this week.  I am going to attempt to push myself for those hard and horrible 13.1 miles, and in the end, who really cares (except myself) that I might be dragging along six extra pounds across the finish line?

Today I stand in the sun, today I breathe deep the breath I've been given for another day, today I celebrate the gift of the promise of spring, of warmth, of tomorrows.

"So let the sun shine in... face it with a grin... open up your heart and let your loveeee shineeee innnn."

{ Previous blog post "Today" HERE }

{ Next blog post "The Eve of another Half Marathon" HERE }