Today

Somehow I have gotten lost. Again.  Lost in life.  Lost in loss. Lost in the addictions and manipulations and shortcomings of day to day life.  Lost in the chaos and control I manically try to hold on to.  I was starting to let go, starting to accept, to change, to recognize.  And then one day looked up and I didn't quite recognize where I was at any more.  Why does this keep happening to me, why?!?!

This is the story of my life.  After all these years I should feel comfortable here in my uncomfortable, stable in my unstable.  

I felt I was doing good for a while.  I felt good, strong, bold, healing, settled.  But as I look back, I question what I was actually gauging that success on. Was it the number on the scale, the number of pages I read, the number of blogs I wrote, the number of miles I logged, the number on the label of the clothes I wore?  Or was it honestly gauged on the improved state of my heart, my soul, my inner health and well being?

Somehow my journey of child loss intersected with my journey of weight loss, and somehow that went from something great to something exhausting.  I went from someone gaining strength and traction, back to someone losing ground and falling apart.

I went from wise choices and wise words to poor choices, empty words, and an autopilot life.  I went from fending off satan and his lies, to friending him and being sucked into his deceit.  I went from finding my inner worth and sparkle to yet again losing it.

At what point do you just give up, give in, let go?

At what point do you kick your heels in and grab life, yet again, by the horns and say TODAY!  TODAY we start fresh, TODAY we start over and take back the control.  TODAY we kick satan back to the curb and walk away from his lies and his heartaches.

I feel the pull and the darkness upon me, gaining in intensity, pulling me in, pushing me around, bullying me from all sides.  I feel the battle going strong within. I feel defeated.  I feel frustrated. I feel angry.

I did not come this far to only come this far.  I did not lose the weight to just once again lose the battle.  I did not lose the child to once again lose myself to my own insecurities and lies of unworthiness.

No, not this time.  I will not cycle back through my typical roller coaster cycle of emotions, worth, and weight gain insecurities.  I will not.  Not this time.

TODAY is the day I start over.  TODAY is the day I breath deep and say no more.  TODAY is the day I choose myself, choose me, choose my health, choose my sanity, choose my destiny.  TODAY is the day I start believing in the power of my own worth, my own strength, my own willpower, my own desire to really heal and improve and move beyond this.

I will always be a woman who has dealt with weight issues, infertility issues, eating disorder issues, self worth issues, marriage issues, parenting issues, child loss issues, control issues.

I will also always be a woman who has a Heavenly Father who will love her no matter what tragedies, what battles, what losses, what struggles rage ceasingly within her.  He will always be there waiting for her to choose Him, to choose herself, and to choose to face her fears, to choose to battle her scars, and continue forward.

TODAY I choose to stand back up, dust myself off, extend my hand once again to Him, turn my back to satan and simply take take that first step again.  Oh how many times have I had to get back up and just take that first step again.  Over and over and over I fall, I fail, I wallow, I wail, I fall victim to the lies of worthlessness.  Over and over and over I stand up and start over.  And maybe that's the real underlying beauty of life... we have an endless opportunity to wake up and simply start over, start fresh.

TODAY is a stand back up and start over day.  TODAY, not tomorrow, TODAY.  Right here, right now.  Let's do this.  #kickasssass

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