It was a mix of both this normal and familiar feeling with that of a new and odd feeling as I laid there, waiting for sleep to take me away, allowing me reprieve from the chaos for just a few short hours. I am fully submersed in my current Journey to Faith, as well as my Journey of Weight Loss. They both go entirely hand in hand, both entirely integrated and woven together into one tight fabric. A tapestry I currently feel is becoming filled with little snags and the start of some wear holes.
I've been on this Faith journey now for three years. Three years. 1,095 days. I've been on this weight journey now for... well - I've been on a weight battle for over thirty years now, and on this specific leg of that journey now for sixteen months. I've been in official half marathon training off and on now for the past twelve months.
Today all of it feels a battlefield. It's a thrilling, exhausting, exciting, scary roller coaster of feelings, emotions, thoughts, and physical demands. It's good days and bad days. Sad days and happy days. Intense days and numb days. It's "I have it all together days" and "I am completely falling apart at the seams" days.
I'm getting up every morning and putting in the time, getting in the miles. But am I really putting in the effort I once was? Am I really as invested and driven as I once was? No, I don't think I am. I don't think I have the force and the effort left to back up the drive and determination. I'm merely going through the motions but not fully feeling and processing the emotions anymore.
Maybe that's actually good, maybe I'm healing, maybe I'm supposed to be plateaued in my life right now. But it's left me feeling stagnant, weary, lost, heavy. Ok, maybe not lost so much as just not as invested, not as committed, not as driven. I feel I'm doing the time, but not achieving the results, not accomplishing the full potential. I'm slowly starting to lose my sparkle.
Minimal, just enough, coasting, auto pilot.
Fatigue, weariness, lack luster.
Maybe it's the season, maybe it's the weather - the cold, the snow, the winter blues piling up and taking it's toll. Maybe it's mental fatigue, maybe it's physical weariness, maybe it's spiritual dryness.
Maybe it's all just normal. Maybe it's not just me. I'm pretty sure it's not just me.
It's time to realign my focus, evaluate my goals, write up a new game plan, establish a new motivational plan of attack. It's time to get my head back in the game. Back in the game of life, in the game of self care, in the game of soul searching, in the game of healing and hurting, loving and longing for. Back in the game of accomplishment and improvement, in the game of living life and loving myself better.
It's time to step it back up, get back into gear, take back the control, take back the pride, take back my health and my mental wealth. It's time to stop standing still and start moving forward again. It's time.
It's time.
{ Next Blog post "Just Keep Hanging On" HERE }
{ Previous Blog post "Three Years Ago Our Faith Journey Officially Began" HERE }
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