Wanting To Quit

Yesterday I wanted to quit running. Forever.

Wanting to quit running is not anything new within my mind, and I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve actually gone through with it and actually quit. And then invariably, days… or weeks… or months… or sometimes even years have snuck by, but I have always somehow come back to lacing up those tennis shoes again one day and slowly slowly slowly venturing back down the road.

I’ve never really considered myself a “real runner” - I am merely someone who is not coordinated, and not athletic, who tries to move her legs slightly faster than a walk. But this summer has been a little different, I am coming to grips with this reality. I’ve taken my health and my training to a whole new level, and for the most part, my mind has somewhat compliantly been following along. Oh it’s still a tremendous fight of mind vs body every single time I lace up those shoes, but this year I’ve been blessed with returned health, blessed with feet without pain, and I’ve embraced that all a little more seriously than I have before. I’ve changed what I eat, I’ve changed how I exercise, I’ve changed how I rest, I’ve changed how I think. Well, at least for the most part anyway, there will always always always be a huge part of me battling against every single part of that required transformation.

I would say I actually almost consider myself a runner right now. That’s actually hard for me to write for some reason.

I’ve been on this current health and fitness journey not quite a year now. It was in the fall of last year, after finishing up camping season for the year and facing the colder temperatures of the fall in the midwest, when I realized the full magnitude of my weight gain and finally embraced the even fuller magnitude of what I felt God was calling me to do about it.

I fought it like no other. I first had to get my mind on board, and then I had to battle my body to respond. And then I had to battle them both day in and day out to work together with what I chose to put in my body, what I chose to put on my body, and what I chose to do with my body. For me, I would say most days the largest battle is always my mind over my body. My mind is wired to quit much sooner than my body is most days, but neither one are overly strong or confident so it’s really a lose lose situation.

But I kept fighting it, and slowly I began winning, tiny achievement, minuscule accomplishments. I made several poor choices, I made a few wise choices, but I just kept getting up and battling mind vs body. It took a long time, but at one point I found a new routine, a new rhythm, a new food pyramid that I was able to somewhat embrace and follow. And I knew if I ever allowed myself the grace of complacency I would surly fall entirely off the band wagon and catapult instantly back into the bad habits of the older me. I knew this “season” was probably going to be short lived and I knew I’d end up rollercoastering back down, like I always do. It’s just a matter of time, it always is.

I live in fear of when this “season” is going to finally end. I’m not sure if my mind will win and I will yet again simply quit trying and caring, or if my body will win and some health issue will simply swoop in and take over.

So I have clung to the routine, clutched tightly to the habits, nearly worshiped the new rhythm of success in fear of stopping, fear of failing, fear of quitting entirely. I haven’t dared to give myself an inch, because I know I would immediately snatch back a mile. I keep getting up, I keep persevering, because the one day I don’t, the one time I don’t, that will be it altogether, the end of it entirely.
But yesterday I hit a wall taller and thicker than any I’ve encountered in a really long time. I’m fairly sure I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted right now, and I wanted to quit running. Forever. I just didn’t want to do it any more. I didn’t want to set the alarm anymore. I didn’t want to try anymore. I thought about it all day long. Not just a “Ugh” thought in passing, but the “I seriously want.to.quit” talk with myself all.day.long.

I don’t want to run the two 5K’s and the Half Marathon I’m currently signed up for in October. I don’t want to walk, I don’t want to interval train, I don’t want to treadmill, I don’t want to elliptical, I don’t want to eat healthy. I don’t want to care anymore.

It’s too hard, it’s too much work, and I’m just too tired right now.

As I sat on someone else’s private dock last night watching the rays of an almost missed sunset peek through the dark rain clouds settling on top of it, I found myself in tears. The heaviness and darkness within me also settling heavily on top of any sunshine and colorful rays I once radiated from within me. I felt hidden, burdened, dark, heavy, defeated. I wanted to quit. Forever.

I know it’s August, and August is hard. I know it’s just a season that will pass. I know I’m just tired and stressed and emotional right now. I know this. But as I sat there, my tears blurring the magnificent pink and purple hues, I wondered if it was time to quit, just be done with all of it, just “run away” and hide (pun entirely intended). No more social media (posting or following), no more blogs (posting or following), no more text messages (receiving or sending) of encouragement.

I could hear the swirl of comments in my mind assuring me it was more than ok to take a little time off, to allow myself extended time to rest, heck some would even encourage me to quit if I really wanted to. I could see the social media comments and messages coming in in my mind if I were to publicly admit what my mind was privately screaming.
Yes everyone… I’m sure it would all be ok if I took some extended time off, to rest for a while… but I carry this fear of quitting so tightly in my hand right now. I hold this card of no-turning-back with white knuckle strength, so afraid the forward-success card will carelessly slip from my fingers and carelessly blow away in the wind. It will flitter and float and laughingly dance away in the fading summer breeze, chuckling and chanting “You are a failure… you are a quitter… I knew you couldn’t continue this success forever…”

I know taking some “time off”, I know “resting” does not make me a failure or a quitter or any less “successful”. I know this, but I also know myself and my past tendencies and repeat history time and time again that has left me in a forty-two year old battle over perfection vs reality, and the minute I start to unravel, the minute I start to lose the battle - I quit, I surrender, I walk away. Right now my little story says I’m currently almost “winning”, I’m currently almost a “real runner”, and it’s a story I’m convinced will instantly disappear if I choose to stop battling it, even for one day.

And I have absolutely no idea why suddenly I even care.  Who cares if I'm a "real runner" or not... who cares if I'm "successful" or not... No one really honestly cares, or sees, except me.

I’m not actually sure where I’m even going with all of this, or why I am even writing any of this. I’m sitting here and I want to quit running, I want to sleep in and never exercise again. I want to quit eating healthy and stop counting food points. I want to stop buying fruit and vegetables and fill up on chocolate and chips and sweets and whatever I want to really eat. I want to stop caring, stop investing in my mind, and my soul, and my body. I want to stop devoting and encouraging. I want to stop doing the hard things, stop having to choose to do the next right thing, stop the inner whisper accusing me of being selfish selfish selfish. I want to stop the good-bad / right-wrong / yes-no conversations and arguments inside my mind that I battle every single day, all day long.

I think we all battle this in one degree or another. No, I don’t think so… I know so. Maybe yours isn’t with running, or exercise, or food, or health in specific, but I know we all want to quit choosing the better options, quiet doing the hard things, quit needing to listen to, identify with, and following through with the right things. We all have the option of the easy button in our lives, we do ~ and we all know it. We all have the option to set the alarm or not. The option to get up and do the things or not. The option to think the thoughts or not. The option to say the words or not. The option to live the life or not.

Satan wants us to choose ourselves, choose the easy, choose the quit option. But God designed us to choose Him, choose the hard, choose the winning option. He created each of us unique and individual, each with our own gifts and talents. He chose to breathe life into each one of us and He assigned each one of us our own one life, filled with bravery and courage and mission and purpose and amazing greatness.

There are days we’ll get up and fight the good fight, and there are days when we just won’t want to anymore. We really can’t choose to just check out, to walk away for a while. We can’t choose to listen to the lies. We have to simply open our hands and reach out to the outstretched hand waiting for us. We need to allow ourselves to be guided, pulled along, and sometimes even carried. We need to be vulnerable and honest, we need to ask for help, we need to require accountability, and ultimately… we just need to “do” - and we need to “do” every.single.day.

We simply need to set the alarm and trust God will awaken us, trust He will grant us another day of life, love, and laughter. He is not required to continue granting us this daily gift, and we are not guaranteed our tomorrows, but we must simply set our alarm and trust it will go off.

And then we have to get up and embrace the day. Get up and be brave and embrace the challenges. Get up and be courageous and simply do the next right thing, whatever that might be. And if we stumble and mis-step, well then we need to get up, brush ourselves off and simply do the next right thing, by doing the next right thing. And no, it will not be easy.

We need to keep going, even when we don’t want to, especially when we don’t want to. We need to admit that yes, we want to quit, but then we need to hang on just a little longer, just a little tighter…

Just a little longer my friends we need to hang on and just keep getting up.

So… I set my alarm, even through it was forecasted 100% chance of rain all morning. But it wasn’t raining when my alarm went off (of course it wasn’t!!?!!), and I decided to be a “running-nonrunner” for just one more day. It wasn’t great by any means, but I chose just get up and do it, and that is as great as it needed to be I guess.

I might still quit tomorrow, but for today, I chose to not quit. I chose to hang on just a little longer… just a little tighter. And that thing I know YOU are also wanting to quit today… well, just hang on just a little longer, just a little tighter…

You can do this… I can do this… We can do this. Embrace the hard. And how about we all just agree to do all this “hard” together. You be real, and vulnerable, and love and encourage me, cuz Lord knows I need it… and I promise to be real, and vulnerable, and love and encourage you, cuz pretty sure you're going to need it too. There will be days like today when I want to quit… and days like tomorrow when you’ll want to quit… and hopefully, Lord willing, we won’t all want to quit at the same time on the same day. You help keep me from quitting today, you help keeping all those around you love from quitting today, and I promise to help you keep from quitting tomorrow. Let’s believe in each other so we can ultimately be able to believe in ourselves.

Let’s simply try to be better together. Because life is so much better not having to do the hard stuff alone.

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