But this morning I was tired. I stood in the dining room at 4:20 a.m. and I just couldn't do it. My body was so tired. It was a Monday morning after a weekend at the lake. I hadn't even wanted to wake up this morning in our bed at home... I had planned to stay one more night at the lake and head to work in the morning directly from there... but plans changed and well, I chose to go back to bed instead of exercising. And I didn't drag myself back out until 7:15 a.m.
There was no chance of exercising, there was hardly a chance I was going to get breakfast. But we made it to daycare and work on time and my body I'm sure was thanking me for the little reprieve I allowed it.
I have talked myself into running early in the morning, whatever exercise I do, I do early in the morning. I've learned if I don't, it won't happen. Period. In different seasons I have run and exercised at different times, but in this season, this summer, early morning it is... it's my current ticket to completion.
I assumed the day was a loss for getting to log anything active. Which is fine, I know there are days of rest needed... But then I got home and my husband was holding in his hand... a garmin running watch for me to try... and the weather outside... well, it was just absolutely perfect running weather. I played around with the watch settings for a while and then just decided to lace up thee old shoes and head on out.
I got the privilege of running on a trail near my house that I haven't been able to run yet this summer, due to the fact that I'm either inside on my machines, or it's pitch black out while I'm running long miles around our tiny town before work in the morning.
It's a four mile trail from one end to the other, and once upon a time, it was my ultimate summer goal - to be able to run the entire distance without having to stop and walk. Before this summer it had been several years since I had occasionally been able to reach that goal.
And tonight as I was running, I started thinking about all that running I've tried to do in the past. All that running I've tried to accomplish, overcome, conquer, and never have been able to. I would always get to some point and just quit. It would get too hard, too long, too painful, and I would simply quit and chalk it up for yet another year of not being able to be an actual runner.
Well, low and behold, by definition I am a runner, and have been for years. I put on running shoes and moved my legs faster than a walk, so I am, in fact a runner. I just didn't give myself the credit because I didn't think I was good enough, and I didn't think I was graceful enough, fast enough, athletic enough to be considered a "real" runner, a "real" athlete. In my mind I have always been the running non runner... And in my mind real runners never walked, real runners never struggled with hard runs or sore muscles or days (or weeks) where they slept in. Real runners never had to fight off all these demons in their head telling them to stop, telling them it's not worth it... Real runners could run any distance they wanted to at amazing speeds. And I was never quite sure what the draw was for me to even be out running anyway. Oh yes I do... calories. Plain and simple, I started running to burn of the maximum number of calories in the shortest amount of time. I hated it and somehow also loved it all at the same time.
But I have a perfection complex, and I tend to be all in or all out... and when I couldn't conquer running the way I thought a real runner should from within my head, I would just quit. It was easier to quit than to fail, and for whatever crazy reason I somehow thought I was always a failure because I had to walk, or because I slept in, or because it was so flipp'n hard. Running isn't natural, easy, graceful or exciting for me, so obviously I simply wasn't a real runner.
But as I ran tonight, this new fancy watch on my wrist vibrating and buzzing with each passing mile as it accurately recorded my pace and distance and time, as I put in one mile, then two, then three, then four, then five... and I couldn't help but wonder why it's all so different this time around, this season, this summer...
And the little voice in my head simply said - "You finally quit quitting." I finally quite quitting. Mind blowing and earth shattering just a little bit. Perhaps I am simply a runner, because well... I run. It doesn't matter if I'm graceful, or fast, or enjoying myself, or accomplishing records, or able to beat anyone. It isn't about being perfect or even being exceptional in the athletic department. It's about me, about coming to grips with mediocrity, accepting intervals as necessary instead of failure, about choosing to love myself enough to grant myself the time and space necessary to actually do all this running and training this season. And... it's about celebrating the body and the health I currently have, that God has currently blessed me to have.
I stopped being a failure. I stopped doubting my own strength and determination. I stopped sleeping in. I stopped telling myself it was ok to really not care about what I put inside my body. I stopped leaving the perfection bar of expectation so high I couldn't touch it, even when on my tippy toes.
I finally quit quitting. At least for this season anyway... and I am humbled and I am grateful.
All this running stuff I'm sure isn't going to last forever... I could break my toe walking through the house in the dark to go to bed in a few minutes... I could get in a car accident on my way to work tomorrow and become paralyzed... But I'm not going to dwell on those unknowns - I'm merely going to gratefully honor the me who I am right here, right now, for however much longer I am given in this season.
And tonight, I just want to ask you - what is holding you back, what are you feeling a failure over, what is still looming above you that you can't seem to just quite reach? What's inside you that is holding back your drive, your excellence, your ability to try, achieve, believe, explore, grow...
What could you accomplish or overcome if you quit quitting?
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