I’m not totally sure what is keeping me from writing it… oh wait, yes I do… I simply do not want to “go there…” I don’t want to really process, really look within, really question, really ask myself some of those hard questions that I know I’ve been avoiding, know I’ve been tuning out, know I really don’t want to know the answers to. Because if I do finally do all of that... there's a very good chance I'm then going to have to also take the next step and actually do something about it.
I am forty-two years old, and I do not have a passport. I do not have a passport on purpose, and I will be the first to openly admit this. I tell myself my reasons and justifications are two-fold.
The first reason is that I do not like to travel… well, that’s a lie, I actually love to travel, but only within a four to five hour driving radius max, and only to really cool nature rich, quiet places (like Turkey Run in Indiana, Starved Rock in Illinois, Black Hills in South Dakota, Osakis in Minnesota…) I do not like to fly, I do not like congested heavy traffic areas and crowds. I have never been on a cruise, nor ever plan to. The thought of buses, taxis, trains, subways, or other chaotic forms of public transportation nearly renders me into near panic. I have no desire to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Eiffel Tower, or vacation at a fancy tropical island with white sandy beaches and blue drinks with little umbrellas (I don’t care how amazing their sunsets might be…){wink}
I jokingly say that I’m claustrophobic in large crowds. It’s pretty much the God’s honest truth. My blood pressure heightens just thinking about it.
But it’s the second reason that I’m going to finally spend some time on today. I do not have a passport mainly because I do not want to travel to another country and witness the pain, the poverty, the lack, the hurt, the disease, the lost, the less than, the culture, the heritage. And it’s not that I am cruel and heartless, it’s not that I do not have a raging empathetic heart and over abundant emotions… it’s in fact that I actually DO - and I know point blank, that if I were to place myself first hand, with my own two feet in the dust and clay of the countries that would require the prestigious stamp in a passport, it would completely and utterly mess.me.up! And Lord knows, I am messed up enough right here in my own house, in my own town, in my own state, in my own country filled with it’s wealth, greed, power, and prestige.
(I feel I need to just quietly whisper that there is a very tiny small third reason - and it has to do with bathrooms and toilets and indoor plumbing and cleanliness and comfortableness… and well, I’ll just leave it at that, but I’m fairly certain you get where I’m going with that… Oh, and one last small contributing factor - the paperwork involved. I am one of those people that internally absolutely shuts down when faced with a stack of paperwork, forms, lines and lines of words and words and multiple things to do, and get, and complete, and sign, and mail, and follow up on, and wait for, and possibly have to struggle through. Applying for a passport rates right up there with online banking, insurance claims, and FAFSA.)
Ok, and as always, I digress… But seriously here - If I’m utterly honest with myself, and with you - I know in factual black and white that I battle the beast of materialism and consumerism. I battle with gluttony and indulgence. I battle with selfishness and feeling poor in the richest place in the world. I want, I desire, I feel sorry for myself, I am overly anxious, I am frivolous with what I own, I am self-centered with what I want, I am inconsiderate and blind to what others need and lack.
I rarely read or watch the local news, I never read or watch the national news. I don’t follow politics, I couldn’t tell you which sports season it ever currently is, and I’m rarely aware of any current or popular events near or far.
It’s not that I totally live in a bubble (I do work at a church)… but I do chose to just not know a lot of things a lot of the time, and I am absolutely ok with that. Or at least I tell myself I’m absolutely ok with that… I do on occasion think God is not exactly ok with that though. I’m fairly certain He’s not exactly ok with this more than just “occasionally.”
On top of all those horrible attributes I listed about myself above, I am also infertile and my whole life I have longed to have babies, lots of babies… and have battled nearly two decades through the flux of pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, and adoption announcements in the realm of those surrounding me. I genuinely and sincerely want to rejoice in all the joy of new life around me, but my damn soul always, always, always hijacks my greatest intentions and the tears, and hurt, and emotions always, always, always win. I am quite certain my little heart could not possibly bear what I would see and feel, and not get to take home with me, in the streets and villages and orphanages of Haiti, and Africa, and the like.
Many of my very close and dear friends have traveled multiple times to all these amazing other countries, so many gorgeous stamps in their passports and photos in their scrapbooks… And every single one of them have all been touched and ultimately changed in major ways over and over by the stories, and history, and ancestry of these places and situations… They have seen God do, and be a part of thee most amazing stories of redemption, and salvation, and restoration, and healing… and not just in the lives of those they are visiting and interacting with - but within their very own lives. They have seen the poverty, they have physically walked where Jesus walked, they have mingled among and touched the men, women, and children in the countries where skin color is rich and the lives are poor… They’ve witnessed and personally encountered the realities the governments, the economies, the tragedies, the natural disasters.
I have an adopted child in my very own home, with my very own last name, that carries a heritage and skin color different than mine. I should be longing to show and discover and share with him his culture, his past, his lineage,… beyond the caucasian Dutch in which he was adopted into, which we can easily celebrate every May at the local Tulip Festival. Yes, he needs to be proud of being an American, and celebrate the heritage of the family he lives with, but he also needs to tangibly touch and experience that which ultimately is pulsing and flowing within his very DNA.
All of these things, these places, these people, these cultures are all so.far.away right now. They are all so foreign to me, so distant, so elusive, so evasive, so big, so scary. I am just trying to keep my life simple, keep my life easy… by using the excuse that my life is already hard enough… that my mission field is already that which is in my surrounding neighborhood… that my purpose is better fulfilled and found within the walls of my own home than within the wilds of the untamed expanse of the entire world beyond my immediate eye sight.
I guess I just try to use the excuse that I keep things small and easy, because I can barely handle that which is directly in front of me most days already. If I can’t handle my own life within my own tiny realm of current destiny, however in the world am I going to be able to handle and process anything beyond that?!? I am so messed up right here, right now, in my very own shell, in my very own comfort zone, why ever would I ever consider stirring things up even more???
But it’s not me that is the one in control… it’s not me that really knows what’s best for me… Have I not learned over, and over, and over again in the past several years just how not in control I am, and how God’s plan for my life is not usually what I have planned, or want, or control, or hoped for, or am at all comfortable with???
Now, granted not everyone is called to change the world or personally touch the lives of those beyond the borders of their current homes and communities… but I also know I can’t just flippantly continue to state “I am not one of those people…” I am not exempted and excluded from that merely because I don’t want to… because I don’t want to be in a place of uncomfortable, in a place of conviction, in a place of inconvenience, in a place of then needing to process, needing to see, needing to change, of being bothered beyond comprehend, of being catapulted into an even more messed up state in my mind than I already am.
You know, maybe a small part of me is currently so messed up because I am merely avoiding the whisper to in fact go and get.messed.up. Hmmmmmmmm. I’m fairly certain I want to go back and hit delete over that last sentence. And if I don’t delete that, then I’m fairly certain that I need to not continue on and hit “publish” on this post, making it available for the world at large to view on my behalf.
No, it’s ultimately not my call whether or not I’m going to need (and continue to refuse getting) a passport to go fishing in Canada, or vacationing in Mexico, or on a mission trip to Haiti or Africa or Pura Vida, or an overflowing handful of other places God might want to use me at. This leaves me with the bigger question - what really am I going to do with whatever God is calling me for?
It’s God’s call… it’s God’s purpose… it’s ultimately God’s plan for me, not my plan for God.
I don’t know if this feeling I keep fighting off is really a call to the extreme on the other side of the world, or if it’s a call to merely walk through the backyard of my own house… but regardless of the final destination, or at least the next destination, I know I need to stop hanging on to my current comfort zone with such a clinched, white knuckled grasp, because I’m only continuing to just strangle out any hope of freedom and growth. I know that growth and change come in the places of pain, and uncomfortable, and obedience. I also know, those are all incredibly hard avenues to have to live and travel within as we journey through the ultimate roadmap on the grand search for purpose and place in our lives.
We all want simple, we all want easy, we all want cookie cutter, quiet, and comfortable. We want the glamorous, the notorious, the prestigious, the noble. But that is not always the call we are given. That is actually very, very rarely the call anyone is given. We are here with the purpose to praise, glorify, and grow God’s kingdom. We are to seek justice, love mercy, and humbly offer grace in abundance. Some will fulfill this to the extreme, some will attempt valiantly, and most will fail miserably. Some will obey the call, some will ignore the call, some never even hear the call.
The first reason is that I do not like to travel… well, that’s a lie, I actually love to travel, but only within a four to five hour driving radius max, and only to really cool nature rich, quiet places (like Turkey Run in Indiana, Starved Rock in Illinois, Black Hills in South Dakota, Osakis in Minnesota…) I do not like to fly, I do not like congested heavy traffic areas and crowds. I have never been on a cruise, nor ever plan to. The thought of buses, taxis, trains, subways, or other chaotic forms of public transportation nearly renders me into near panic. I have no desire to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Eiffel Tower, or vacation at a fancy tropical island with white sandy beaches and blue drinks with little umbrellas (I don’t care how amazing their sunsets might be…){wink}
I jokingly say that I’m claustrophobic in large crowds. It’s pretty much the God’s honest truth. My blood pressure heightens just thinking about it.
But it’s the second reason that I’m going to finally spend some time on today. I do not have a passport mainly because I do not want to travel to another country and witness the pain, the poverty, the lack, the hurt, the disease, the lost, the less than, the culture, the heritage. And it’s not that I am cruel and heartless, it’s not that I do not have a raging empathetic heart and over abundant emotions… it’s in fact that I actually DO - and I know point blank, that if I were to place myself first hand, with my own two feet in the dust and clay of the countries that would require the prestigious stamp in a passport, it would completely and utterly mess.me.up! And Lord knows, I am messed up enough right here in my own house, in my own town, in my own state, in my own country filled with it’s wealth, greed, power, and prestige.
(I feel I need to just quietly whisper that there is a very tiny small third reason - and it has to do with bathrooms and toilets and indoor plumbing and cleanliness and comfortableness… and well, I’ll just leave it at that, but I’m fairly certain you get where I’m going with that… Oh, and one last small contributing factor - the paperwork involved. I am one of those people that internally absolutely shuts down when faced with a stack of paperwork, forms, lines and lines of words and words and multiple things to do, and get, and complete, and sign, and mail, and follow up on, and wait for, and possibly have to struggle through. Applying for a passport rates right up there with online banking, insurance claims, and FAFSA.)
Ok, and as always, I digress… But seriously here - If I’m utterly honest with myself, and with you - I know in factual black and white that I battle the beast of materialism and consumerism. I battle with gluttony and indulgence. I battle with selfishness and feeling poor in the richest place in the world. I want, I desire, I feel sorry for myself, I am overly anxious, I am frivolous with what I own, I am self-centered with what I want, I am inconsiderate and blind to what others need and lack.
I rarely read or watch the local news, I never read or watch the national news. I don’t follow politics, I couldn’t tell you which sports season it ever currently is, and I’m rarely aware of any current or popular events near or far.
It’s not that I totally live in a bubble (I do work at a church)… but I do chose to just not know a lot of things a lot of the time, and I am absolutely ok with that. Or at least I tell myself I’m absolutely ok with that… I do on occasion think God is not exactly ok with that though. I’m fairly certain He’s not exactly ok with this more than just “occasionally.”
On top of all those horrible attributes I listed about myself above, I am also infertile and my whole life I have longed to have babies, lots of babies… and have battled nearly two decades through the flux of pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, and adoption announcements in the realm of those surrounding me. I genuinely and sincerely want to rejoice in all the joy of new life around me, but my damn soul always, always, always hijacks my greatest intentions and the tears, and hurt, and emotions always, always, always win. I am quite certain my little heart could not possibly bear what I would see and feel, and not get to take home with me, in the streets and villages and orphanages of Haiti, and Africa, and the like.
Many of my very close and dear friends have traveled multiple times to all these amazing other countries, so many gorgeous stamps in their passports and photos in their scrapbooks… And every single one of them have all been touched and ultimately changed in major ways over and over by the stories, and history, and ancestry of these places and situations… They have seen God do, and be a part of thee most amazing stories of redemption, and salvation, and restoration, and healing… and not just in the lives of those they are visiting and interacting with - but within their very own lives. They have seen the poverty, they have physically walked where Jesus walked, they have mingled among and touched the men, women, and children in the countries where skin color is rich and the lives are poor… They’ve witnessed and personally encountered the realities the governments, the economies, the tragedies, the natural disasters.
I have an adopted child in my very own home, with my very own last name, that carries a heritage and skin color different than mine. I should be longing to show and discover and share with him his culture, his past, his lineage,… beyond the caucasian Dutch in which he was adopted into, which we can easily celebrate every May at the local Tulip Festival. Yes, he needs to be proud of being an American, and celebrate the heritage of the family he lives with, but he also needs to tangibly touch and experience that which ultimately is pulsing and flowing within his very DNA.
All of these things, these places, these people, these cultures are all so.far.away right now. They are all so foreign to me, so distant, so elusive, so evasive, so big, so scary. I am just trying to keep my life simple, keep my life easy… by using the excuse that my life is already hard enough… that my mission field is already that which is in my surrounding neighborhood… that my purpose is better fulfilled and found within the walls of my own home than within the wilds of the untamed expanse of the entire world beyond my immediate eye sight.
I guess I just try to use the excuse that I keep things small and easy, because I can barely handle that which is directly in front of me most days already. If I can’t handle my own life within my own tiny realm of current destiny, however in the world am I going to be able to handle and process anything beyond that?!? I am so messed up right here, right now, in my very own shell, in my very own comfort zone, why ever would I ever consider stirring things up even more???
But it’s not me that is the one in control… it’s not me that really knows what’s best for me… Have I not learned over, and over, and over again in the past several years just how not in control I am, and how God’s plan for my life is not usually what I have planned, or want, or control, or hoped for, or am at all comfortable with???
Now, granted not everyone is called to change the world or personally touch the lives of those beyond the borders of their current homes and communities… but I also know I can’t just flippantly continue to state “I am not one of those people…” I am not exempted and excluded from that merely because I don’t want to… because I don’t want to be in a place of uncomfortable, in a place of conviction, in a place of inconvenience, in a place of then needing to process, needing to see, needing to change, of being bothered beyond comprehend, of being catapulted into an even more messed up state in my mind than I already am.
You know, maybe a small part of me is currently so messed up because I am merely avoiding the whisper to in fact go and get.messed.up. Hmmmmmmmm. I’m fairly certain I want to go back and hit delete over that last sentence. And if I don’t delete that, then I’m fairly certain that I need to not continue on and hit “publish” on this post, making it available for the world at large to view on my behalf.
No, it’s ultimately not my call whether or not I’m going to need (and continue to refuse getting) a passport to go fishing in Canada, or vacationing in Mexico, or on a mission trip to Haiti or Africa or Pura Vida, or an overflowing handful of other places God might want to use me at. This leaves me with the bigger question - what really am I going to do with whatever God is calling me for?
It’s God’s call… it’s God’s purpose… it’s ultimately God’s plan for me, not my plan for God.
I don’t know if this feeling I keep fighting off is really a call to the extreme on the other side of the world, or if it’s a call to merely walk through the backyard of my own house… but regardless of the final destination, or at least the next destination, I know I need to stop hanging on to my current comfort zone with such a clinched, white knuckled grasp, because I’m only continuing to just strangle out any hope of freedom and growth. I know that growth and change come in the places of pain, and uncomfortable, and obedience. I also know, those are all incredibly hard avenues to have to live and travel within as we journey through the ultimate roadmap on the grand search for purpose and place in our lives.
We all want simple, we all want easy, we all want cookie cutter, quiet, and comfortable. We want the glamorous, the notorious, the prestigious, the noble. But that is not always the call we are given. That is actually very, very rarely the call anyone is given. We are here with the purpose to praise, glorify, and grow God’s kingdom. We are to seek justice, love mercy, and humbly offer grace in abundance. Some will fulfill this to the extreme, some will attempt valiantly, and most will fail miserably. Some will obey the call, some will ignore the call, some never even hear the call.
May I simply hear, and may I obey.
May we all hear and obey. Whether that means passports and plane tickets, or backyard barbecues and an increased tithe (or dears Heavens maybe even all of the above) may our purpose and mission field be clear and our response be timely.
May our uncomfortable simply, somehow, become our comfortable... wherever that may be, and whatever we may need to get us there.
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