My alarm goes off at 4:20am every morning. I’m up and going (after feeding the dog) shortly after. Get it done, check it off the to-do list, and get on with tackling the rest of my day.
As summer fades into fall quickly these days, the dark night is seeping longer into my early mornings. I spent much of the summer getting to watch the sun rise, with the early dawn lighting the sky shortly after I was out. But not any more. Dawn’s hellos are getting later and later, and it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a sunrise while still out.
It’s getting a little colder in the morning, and it’s getting really hard for me to continue to get myself out there right now. The last several weeks have specifically been a struggle for me. If I’m honest, I want to admit I want to quit running. I want to quit counting the points from the food I eat. I want to eat the chocolate and drink the alcohol and pop. And I'm not talking just a little indulgence... I'm talking like all the chocolate and all the alcohol (and why not throw in an entire bag of chips while we're at it).
I am nearing the one year mark of when I finally decided it was time to do something about my health, do something to celebrate God’s gift of my returned health, and do something for myself and my body and my outlook of life.
Two years ago tomorrow was the due date for our daughter, Faith MaryJo. The precious little baby we had prayed and pleaded to God for for double digit years. The precious little baby He finally granted us, but then lost to the disease Trisomy 18 and had to say goodbye to at the local cemetery, leaving her there while we went home to figure out how to keep on living, while she went home to Heaven to celebrate a full life and health with Jesus.
My body, mind, and soul ached and struggled and remained in a state of utter unhealthy for a long long time. As my body finally began to heal over a year later, it gained back weight, lots of weight, and my mind and soul gained back bitterness, lots of bitterness.
I was an unhealthy, unhappy, pool of ungrateful.
But like He’s done His entire life with me, God kept just slowly pulling me in, slowly pulling me closer and closer to Him. Holding me, carrying me, whispering to me, drawing me back to Him while I adamantly pushed Him away and held Him at a distance. Oh I love that about Him. #grateful.
It was a year ago I sat in the same place, on the couch of my camper, in the beloved campground community at the lake. God was stirring in me, satan was battling in me, and I was simply stuck on the couch. My feet hurt thanks to my bunions, I hadn’t walked or ran or done any form of exercise all summer. My heart ached due to my losses and my bitterness. My soul was empty but longing to be filled, restored, remade. Satan was in his heyday, but God knew I was created for something more, something greater, and He knew I was capable of overcoming the dark season I was currently sitting in.
He believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.
The last twelve months have been a huge journey for me. A huge time of hardship and hard work. A huge time of overwhelm and overcoming. A huge time of highs and lows, goods and bads. I go back and read through some of my blog posts from a year ago, and I’m struck and humbled how far I have actually come this many months later.
My body is in better shape today. In fact, this is probably the healthiest and physically strongest I have ever been in my entire life. I’m awed and humbled by the miles my legs have run and the food choices I’ve made to eat. I’ve battled a mind deeply programed with past unhealthy diet tendencies to choose to invest and indulge in many many healthy calories every single day, filling my body with the needed nutrient to nourish, change, and succeed.
It’s been a long year, it’s been a hard year, but it’s also been a good year. And now interestingly enough, I seem to have hit the road block, the stumbling block that inevitably happens in every lifestyle change. The “I want to quit” stage.
I’m there, I own up to it, I admit it. And as much as my mind is screaming at me to just quit, my soul and my body are still putting up a great fight. It is my earnest plea that I don’t allow myself to quit, that I don’t backpedal and fall back off the bandwagon, like I’ve done every single time before when I’ve reached this same bump in the road. In the past I have been a repeat quitter, a repeat failure.
So, all of this brings me to today. To this morning. To my 4:20 a.m. alarm.
It went off, and I got up, mostly because the dog was starving and needed to go out, not because I wanted to. It had rained most of the night. It was cool, windy, incredibly muddy. The radar showed there was more rain coming. It was thundering, lightening, and dripping. I chose to make coffee, do my devotions, and read instead. I listened to the heavy rain outside and knew I’d made the correct decision, and also sat there feeling defeated, a failure in a way, because I hadn’t gone out and gotten in my half marathon training for the day.
I laid down and as I dozed, I dreamt about tornados. Lots of tornados. I will need to look all the details up in my Dream Encyclopedia book when I get home (I’m uber intrigued by dreams) but I’m sure it all has to do with the chaos, the shrapnel, the darkness, the storms raging within me right now.
My husband left at 7am for the day, I have our youngest here by myself. Half marathon training can get a little tricky when you work full time and have a full time family. I’m super grateful for my supportive husband, but it is quite necessary most days that I get my training in before 6am when he has to leave for the day. And of course, that didn’t happen this morning, and I found myself laying in bed defeated and dejected because of the rain, and my poor attitude, and with internal war with my health and running these days.
I sent a message to my accountability friend. And then a reply came almost instantly - she was also still in bed and was just going to do it later today.
Later today. She was going to do it later today, and she carried no guilt, no shame, no regret. She was enjoying this raining Saturday, thankful for the gift of extended rest.
It dawned on me right in that exact moment that I had already chalked my entire day off as a failure, an incomplete, a DNF (Did Not Finish in running terms) by 4:33am when I decided to sit down on the couch with my Bible and hot coffee rather than go out running in the rain, in the black of night.
That’s what satan wanted me to believe, that my day was a loss, my willpower wasn’t enough, my accomplishment no longer attainable. He whispered yet again that its time to quit, time to stop, time to let it all go and indulge and become lazy and bitter again.
But that is such a lie. I actually have all day.
I also have “later today” to complete and do and accomplish. I haven’t actually lost and failed my today until 11:59pm tonight. And even if I didn’t do anything today, that “rest” thing - well, that isn’t a loss or failure either, contrary to what satan wants me to feel and believe.
Life does not go as planned, I of all people should know all about that. Time and time again God has continued to hold my hand, pull me along, and show me over and over that He’s in control, in His timing, in His plans, and in His planned journey for me. He’s got this, and I need to let it all go, trust, and faithfully obey.
I need to listen, be obedient, and faithfully continue to share my story. I need to graciously continue to roll with the punches of life, letting go to my death grip of perfection and expectation.
Yes I want to quit. But as I’m continuing to navigate deeper into this really hard season of wanting to throw in the towel and just be done, forever … I am also faithfully and diligently trying to just get up every morning, breathe deep, pray diligently, and tell myself over and over “Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but today will not be the day I quit. Not today.”
And it's not that someday I know I won't actually quit running, because someday I know I will. Someday my body will simply no longer allow it... but I don't want to quit simply because I just don't want to do it anymore.
I know I’m not the only one battling perfection and expectation and wanting to quit. Whatever it is in your life you are weary of, tired of, sick of, needing to regain control of… know you aren’t alone. We all cycle through seasons, we are all battling something every single day, most days many somethings… We all desire more, and greater, and better things for ourselves and those we love. Some of that is for materialist things, yes… but I know deep inside all of us, we all have this insane pull to be more, be great, be amazing, be on fire for something far beyond us.
God created us with a connection to overcome and accomplish great things on His behalf. He wires us all with the ability to do unbelievable things and become amazing people. He equips and calls us into a rich ministry within ourselves, so we can go out into the world (whether that is across the street or across the world) and show, and share, and shine His story and His goodness, ultimately passing along and igniting in others that which is burning in us. It rarely is easy, but I have found it is always rewarding.
It’s all this crazy dance with me and myself, me and God, me and satan, me and the world. It really all is a bold, magical, and sacred rhythm of trust, intimacy, response, and story within our steps, and twists, and turns. It’s graceful, it’s turbulent, it’s hurtful, it’s healing, it’s exhausting, it’s exhilarating, it’s hard, it’s easy, it’s exhausting, it’s exuberating, it’s short, it’s long, it’s quiet, it’s loud, it’s the desire to quit, it’s the perseverance to overcome.
I haven’t failed myself, or anyone else, yet today because I simply didn’t set out and complete what I had planned to accomplish earlier this morning. I still have the rest of the day. I still have “later today”, and I need to shove away the whisper of inadequacy and failure that’s rasping it’s lies within my mind right now. I need to stop listening to the inner cry pushing me to stop and to quit. I need to simply hold out my hand and figure out how to hold on to the small pull forward and not let it go. I need to hang on until the season passes.
Granted I have no idea what battles will come alongside whatever my "next season" will bring… but for today I need to continue to battle the urge to quit. I need to continue to try tune out the lies of not being enough. I need to continue to overcome the urge to choose the easy road instead of the hard road.
God has me here, right now, for a purpose, for a plan, for a reason in this season. I am thankful, I am grateful, I am hopeful. And while I openly admit I am battling the desire to pull away, turn away, walk away… I look at the past three hundred and thirty some days and see the tangible results of choosing yes over no, hard over easy… and even though I don’t want to… I know I must continue to muster up whatever I need to to continue to inch forward and not give in to the downward roller coaster rush I know could inevitably happen if I were to merely open my hands and let go.
God brought me this far… I cannot go back now. I cannot turn around, I cannot quit quite yet today.
Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but today will not be the day I quit. Not today.
{ Next blog post "August Due Date" HERE }
{ Previous blog post "What Just Happened" HERE }
The last twelve months have been a huge journey for me. A huge time of hardship and hard work. A huge time of overwhelm and overcoming. A huge time of highs and lows, goods and bads. I go back and read through some of my blog posts from a year ago, and I’m struck and humbled how far I have actually come this many months later.
My body is in better shape today. In fact, this is probably the healthiest and physically strongest I have ever been in my entire life. I’m awed and humbled by the miles my legs have run and the food choices I’ve made to eat. I’ve battled a mind deeply programed with past unhealthy diet tendencies to choose to invest and indulge in many many healthy calories every single day, filling my body with the needed nutrient to nourish, change, and succeed.
It’s been a long year, it’s been a hard year, but it’s also been a good year. And now interestingly enough, I seem to have hit the road block, the stumbling block that inevitably happens in every lifestyle change. The “I want to quit” stage.
I’m there, I own up to it, I admit it. And as much as my mind is screaming at me to just quit, my soul and my body are still putting up a great fight. It is my earnest plea that I don’t allow myself to quit, that I don’t backpedal and fall back off the bandwagon, like I’ve done every single time before when I’ve reached this same bump in the road. In the past I have been a repeat quitter, a repeat failure.
So, all of this brings me to today. To this morning. To my 4:20 a.m. alarm.
It went off, and I got up, mostly because the dog was starving and needed to go out, not because I wanted to. It had rained most of the night. It was cool, windy, incredibly muddy. The radar showed there was more rain coming. It was thundering, lightening, and dripping. I chose to make coffee, do my devotions, and read instead. I listened to the heavy rain outside and knew I’d made the correct decision, and also sat there feeling defeated, a failure in a way, because I hadn’t gone out and gotten in my half marathon training for the day.
I laid down and as I dozed, I dreamt about tornados. Lots of tornados. I will need to look all the details up in my Dream Encyclopedia book when I get home (I’m uber intrigued by dreams) but I’m sure it all has to do with the chaos, the shrapnel, the darkness, the storms raging within me right now.
My husband left at 7am for the day, I have our youngest here by myself. Half marathon training can get a little tricky when you work full time and have a full time family. I’m super grateful for my supportive husband, but it is quite necessary most days that I get my training in before 6am when he has to leave for the day. And of course, that didn’t happen this morning, and I found myself laying in bed defeated and dejected because of the rain, and my poor attitude, and with internal war with my health and running these days.
I sent a message to my accountability friend. And then a reply came almost instantly - she was also still in bed and was just going to do it later today.
Later today. She was going to do it later today, and she carried no guilt, no shame, no regret. She was enjoying this raining Saturday, thankful for the gift of extended rest.
It dawned on me right in that exact moment that I had already chalked my entire day off as a failure, an incomplete, a DNF (Did Not Finish in running terms) by 4:33am when I decided to sit down on the couch with my Bible and hot coffee rather than go out running in the rain, in the black of night.
That’s what satan wanted me to believe, that my day was a loss, my willpower wasn’t enough, my accomplishment no longer attainable. He whispered yet again that its time to quit, time to stop, time to let it all go and indulge and become lazy and bitter again.
But that is such a lie. I actually have all day.
I also have “later today” to complete and do and accomplish. I haven’t actually lost and failed my today until 11:59pm tonight. And even if I didn’t do anything today, that “rest” thing - well, that isn’t a loss or failure either, contrary to what satan wants me to feel and believe.
Life does not go as planned, I of all people should know all about that. Time and time again God has continued to hold my hand, pull me along, and show me over and over that He’s in control, in His timing, in His plans, and in His planned journey for me. He’s got this, and I need to let it all go, trust, and faithfully obey.
I need to listen, be obedient, and faithfully continue to share my story. I need to graciously continue to roll with the punches of life, letting go to my death grip of perfection and expectation.
Yes I want to quit. But as I’m continuing to navigate deeper into this really hard season of wanting to throw in the towel and just be done, forever … I am also faithfully and diligently trying to just get up every morning, breathe deep, pray diligently, and tell myself over and over “Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but today will not be the day I quit. Not today.”
And it's not that someday I know I won't actually quit running, because someday I know I will. Someday my body will simply no longer allow it... but I don't want to quit simply because I just don't want to do it anymore.
I know I’m not the only one battling perfection and expectation and wanting to quit. Whatever it is in your life you are weary of, tired of, sick of, needing to regain control of… know you aren’t alone. We all cycle through seasons, we are all battling something every single day, most days many somethings… We all desire more, and greater, and better things for ourselves and those we love. Some of that is for materialist things, yes… but I know deep inside all of us, we all have this insane pull to be more, be great, be amazing, be on fire for something far beyond us.
God created us with a connection to overcome and accomplish great things on His behalf. He wires us all with the ability to do unbelievable things and become amazing people. He equips and calls us into a rich ministry within ourselves, so we can go out into the world (whether that is across the street or across the world) and show, and share, and shine His story and His goodness, ultimately passing along and igniting in others that which is burning in us. It rarely is easy, but I have found it is always rewarding.
It’s all this crazy dance with me and myself, me and God, me and satan, me and the world. It really all is a bold, magical, and sacred rhythm of trust, intimacy, response, and story within our steps, and twists, and turns. It’s graceful, it’s turbulent, it’s hurtful, it’s healing, it’s exhausting, it’s exhilarating, it’s hard, it’s easy, it’s exhausting, it’s exuberating, it’s short, it’s long, it’s quiet, it’s loud, it’s the desire to quit, it’s the perseverance to overcome.
I haven’t failed myself, or anyone else, yet today because I simply didn’t set out and complete what I had planned to accomplish earlier this morning. I still have the rest of the day. I still have “later today”, and I need to shove away the whisper of inadequacy and failure that’s rasping it’s lies within my mind right now. I need to stop listening to the inner cry pushing me to stop and to quit. I need to simply hold out my hand and figure out how to hold on to the small pull forward and not let it go. I need to hang on until the season passes.
Granted I have no idea what battles will come alongside whatever my "next season" will bring… but for today I need to continue to battle the urge to quit. I need to continue to try tune out the lies of not being enough. I need to continue to overcome the urge to choose the easy road instead of the hard road.
God has me here, right now, for a purpose, for a plan, for a reason in this season. I am thankful, I am grateful, I am hopeful. And while I openly admit I am battling the desire to pull away, turn away, walk away… I look at the past three hundred and thirty some days and see the tangible results of choosing yes over no, hard over easy… and even though I don’t want to… I know I must continue to muster up whatever I need to to continue to inch forward and not give in to the downward roller coaster rush I know could inevitably happen if I were to merely open my hands and let go.
God brought me this far… I cannot go back now. I cannot turn around, I cannot quit quite yet today.
Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but today will not be the day I quit. Not today.
{ Next blog post "August Due Date" HERE }
{ Previous blog post "What Just Happened" HERE }
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