It’s been a pretty crazy last eight plus weeks. I’ve trained and run some big races this spring (Birthday Half Marathon, Faith’s 25K, Hot Chocolate 15K, Girls Run the World 15K, and the Running For the Angels 5K on Mother’s Day). I admit I am struggling a little with fully having my head in the training game. Some of it’s fatigue, some of it’s perhaps “been there done that”, some of it just life’s transitions and timing at this moment in my life. A year ago this week I ran my first half marathon. A year ago I achieve, conquered, something I never dreamt I would be able to actually do. And then I’ve gone on and done it twice more since!
All that aside, because really, who wants to keep hearing me ramble about my stupid love/hate obsession with running and health right now… my apologies.
Actually, no.
While I do find this odd urge to apologize over and over again for nearly all things in my life (good and bad), I know I don’t need to. Without sounding brass, I am wresting through coming to grips to fully love and accept my own life for what it is, without feeling like I need to apologize and carry any guilt. I do not need to feel guilty for choosing to do less, for going to the lake, for putting my family expectations before society expectations, for choosing to love myself and putting myself as priority in my own life.
In the last eight weeks I also received that first whisper, that first heart flutter of emotion, those first throws of indecision, processing, compromise, and change. One morning out of the blue I received an innocent little message simple stating “someone’s retiring in the department, they just posted her job, you should apply!” Eight weeks later I am one month into that new job. I wrestled through the pro’s and con’s, but ultimately felt completely confident in God’s calling and direction on this job opportunity yet again in my life. I didn’t fight it, I didn’t ignore it, for once I listened to that small still voice of God as He whispered and quickly re-navigated my life’s course once again.
The very first week, the very first day, I found myself with absolutely no regrets. I found myself also fighting this darn pricking guilt every time I talked about it to anyone from, or associated with, my previous job, feeling that I needed to underplay how much I really was enjoying my new job. I hadn’t been looking for another job, I had really enjoyed my previous job and loved the people I worked with. I just also felt a very clear calling that I needed to embrace this unexpected opportunity in front of me to go back to a department and job I had worked within for fifteen years before. It’s been truly a “coming home” experience for me. All that aside, as I found myself in a conversation with someone I had worked with before, I stopped and admitted that the new job wasn’t just “going ok” I was actually really loving it. And then actually admitted I felt guilty saying that out loud to anyone. He had looked at me and said that he was glad to hear that I did love the new job, otherwise, my leaving would have been perhaps a waste to have to go through the growing pains of this major change. They were glad to know it was truly what was the right thing for me to be doing at this time.
Now, where am I going with all of this yammering you might be thinking… Well, this morning as I stood in darkness of my camper kitchen at the lake listening and watching my coffee maker brew my first hot and strong cup of weekend coffee, I tilted my head slightly thinking about the concept of always feeling like I’m “lost” in life, that I’m never quite there yet, that I’m never fully happy, or arrived, or comfortable, or finished, or complete. I’ve lived my whole life always feeling a little off, a little different, a little behind, a little not enough (ok, a lot not enough). I’ve always longed for more, strived for perfection, never been fully happy, never completely satisfied, never ultimately settled once and for all. And all my life I’ve let that fester and pick at me inside.
I spent nearly my entire life thinking it was me, that there was something wrong with me (mentally, physically, spiritually, the whole gamut). I was always a little more deep, more intense, more questioning, more rebellious, more openly lost than everyone else it seemed. But over the past few years, as I’ve finally started to open up and be more vulnerable and real on a larger scale, I’ve come to realize it’s not just me, there is a whole wide world of individuals struggling along in life, also feeling not enough, also feeling alone and lost.
It makes my heart sad and heavy as I think about how many people are silently suffering, struggling, hurting, and alone around me, as we walk through day by day in a society and time when we all feel compelled to live a life covered with a mask, within photoshopped perfection, and not fully admitting our griefs, our questions, our struggles, not openly celebrating and sharing our real and colorful journeys God has “blessed” us all with.
We think we need to hide, to downscale, to cover up, to lessen that which we excel at, and puff up, exaggerate, gloss over that which we aren’t as good at. And for the life of me I don’t know why. All my life this has been a question and a battle within me. All my life I’ve tried to live a more open, honest, vulnerable, real, authentic life … and it’s left me feeling that the world has always looked at me and not quite known what to do with me.
Yes, I stood there this morning wondering how I can still be feeling a little lost, still be struggling a little, still feeling insecure and not enough. Did God not clearly show me a new direction, bless me with a new opportunity? Did I not obey? Did I not embrace this change with all my being and jump in willingly with both feet? Yes… yes I did. I dove into this transition and have done all I can to not let it entirely derail me and my family in the interim. I’ve tried to allow myself and others in my family the grace we need to weather another storm of change. I’ve tried to embrace the pro’s and quietly forget the con’s that come with this change. I’ve tried to just put one foot in front of the other and do all that I can to be the best that I can.
It was a month of decisions and announcements and farewells. It’s been another month of changes, and learning, and returning, and hello’s. Winter finally decided to leave, spring has been trying to arrive, and we are already on our third weekend at the lake this summer. As the aroma of the coffee reached my nose, and the steam danced up from the machine, the vivid colors of last nights sunset still clearly etched in my mind, I couldn’t help but think that I’m still feeling a little lost, and questioned why.
Why have I felt so lost nearly my entire life? Why if I continue to faithfully follow and do what I feel I need to be doing in life, am I still feeling lost - should this not have all finally be bringing me to a place of wholeness?
And then the thought struck me. I think it’s God’s intent for us to never NOT feel some sense of lost-ness while we are still here on earth. This feeling of lost, of longing for more within us at all times, is how God created us, it’s part of the beautiful DNA woven within our fibers… If we weren’t ever hungry, or wondering, or longing for more, we would never have reason to change, to grow, to produce bigger, to achieve greater. What an incredible epiphany. So simple, yet so profound. A truth I've known my whole life and yet chose to not always see or comprehend clearly and completely.
I’ve gotten stuck in the reality that “someday” when I finally become enough, when I have finally done enough, when I finally figured it all out correctly, that I will then feel completely whole, completely settled, completely content, completely at peace within myself. Ahhhhhhh. (Like the Calgon Take Me Away "Ahhhhhh"). No more unrest and upset about myself, my life, my world around me.
But I believe that is a lie that satan has been trying to feed me for the last forty three years. Absolute wholeness is not something that we will ever be, or can ever be while here on earth. God has given us these longings and lost-ness on purpose, for a reason, for us to always continue forward, always strive for greater, always reach for higher, always long for more of Him.
God wants us to always be coming to Him, calling out to Him, reaching out to Him, falling at His feet, always striving Heavenward. Our prize of utter contentment and fulfillment and final arrival will never happen while here on earth… that dream and desire and longing is what God is using to ultimately and hopefully bring each of us to our final arrival to Him in Heaven. That is when we will finally sink into that beautiful aqua adirondack chair and fully feel content, true rest, absolute joy, peace, and completion.
Until the day we finally arrive in Heaven, we will always be a little lost (with some seasons and reasons leaving us even more lost than others) - and I believe it’s time to start working on embracing and celebrating that reality rather than using it to deflate us and leave us feeling a constant state of not enough in our lost and less-than lives.
We are all hurting and lost, but it’s for a reason, for a purpose … let’s try embrace it rather than fight it and bring us down. Let’s be brave and dare to actually love ourselves, and each other, as we are, as the gift God created us to be.
Let’s stop apologizing, stop allowing the guilt to cling and hold us back. Let’s stop settling for mediocrity, hiding behind the societies mask of social acceptability. Let’s quit falling for the lies that it’s just you, and only you, and you are all alone. Let’s finally embrace that it’s ok to not be ok, that it's ok to do less and become more, that it’s ok to be vulnerable and openly real and honest with each other. Let’s embrace that it’s ok to feel lost - grabbing on to that and continue forward trying to navigate the way. Let’s stop waiting for the answers to be given to us and take the chances, dare to fall, dare to dance, dare to embrace the bumps and dark shadows of our own journey’s.
I’m finding it’s exactly in these defining moments that the greatest joy and sunshine are just around the corner. They may only stay for the briefest of moments before the next turn and pocket of blackness again envelops. As I look back behind me over the timeline of my own life, I am starting to finally feel confident knowing that there will be sunshine again, and that I need to just trust the moments I am lost within as simply continued footsteps in my journey homeward. And “home” will never be fully reached on the soil of this sin filled earth. That reality gives me pause and boldly tells me I need to allow myself more grace with my inner battle over all that I am, all that I’m not, all that I am yet to be, and all that I will never be.
In the last eight weeks I also received that first whisper, that first heart flutter of emotion, those first throws of indecision, processing, compromise, and change. One morning out of the blue I received an innocent little message simple stating “someone’s retiring in the department, they just posted her job, you should apply!” Eight weeks later I am one month into that new job. I wrestled through the pro’s and con’s, but ultimately felt completely confident in God’s calling and direction on this job opportunity yet again in my life. I didn’t fight it, I didn’t ignore it, for once I listened to that small still voice of God as He whispered and quickly re-navigated my life’s course once again.
The very first week, the very first day, I found myself with absolutely no regrets. I found myself also fighting this darn pricking guilt every time I talked about it to anyone from, or associated with, my previous job, feeling that I needed to underplay how much I really was enjoying my new job. I hadn’t been looking for another job, I had really enjoyed my previous job and loved the people I worked with. I just also felt a very clear calling that I needed to embrace this unexpected opportunity in front of me to go back to a department and job I had worked within for fifteen years before. It’s been truly a “coming home” experience for me. All that aside, as I found myself in a conversation with someone I had worked with before, I stopped and admitted that the new job wasn’t just “going ok” I was actually really loving it. And then actually admitted I felt guilty saying that out loud to anyone. He had looked at me and said that he was glad to hear that I did love the new job, otherwise, my leaving would have been perhaps a waste to have to go through the growing pains of this major change. They were glad to know it was truly what was the right thing for me to be doing at this time.
Now, where am I going with all of this yammering you might be thinking… Well, this morning as I stood in darkness of my camper kitchen at the lake listening and watching my coffee maker brew my first hot and strong cup of weekend coffee, I tilted my head slightly thinking about the concept of always feeling like I’m “lost” in life, that I’m never quite there yet, that I’m never fully happy, or arrived, or comfortable, or finished, or complete. I’ve lived my whole life always feeling a little off, a little different, a little behind, a little not enough (ok, a lot not enough). I’ve always longed for more, strived for perfection, never been fully happy, never completely satisfied, never ultimately settled once and for all. And all my life I’ve let that fester and pick at me inside.
I spent nearly my entire life thinking it was me, that there was something wrong with me (mentally, physically, spiritually, the whole gamut). I was always a little more deep, more intense, more questioning, more rebellious, more openly lost than everyone else it seemed. But over the past few years, as I’ve finally started to open up and be more vulnerable and real on a larger scale, I’ve come to realize it’s not just me, there is a whole wide world of individuals struggling along in life, also feeling not enough, also feeling alone and lost.
It makes my heart sad and heavy as I think about how many people are silently suffering, struggling, hurting, and alone around me, as we walk through day by day in a society and time when we all feel compelled to live a life covered with a mask, within photoshopped perfection, and not fully admitting our griefs, our questions, our struggles, not openly celebrating and sharing our real and colorful journeys God has “blessed” us all with.
We think we need to hide, to downscale, to cover up, to lessen that which we excel at, and puff up, exaggerate, gloss over that which we aren’t as good at. And for the life of me I don’t know why. All my life this has been a question and a battle within me. All my life I’ve tried to live a more open, honest, vulnerable, real, authentic life … and it’s left me feeling that the world has always looked at me and not quite known what to do with me.
Yes, I stood there this morning wondering how I can still be feeling a little lost, still be struggling a little, still feeling insecure and not enough. Did God not clearly show me a new direction, bless me with a new opportunity? Did I not obey? Did I not embrace this change with all my being and jump in willingly with both feet? Yes… yes I did. I dove into this transition and have done all I can to not let it entirely derail me and my family in the interim. I’ve tried to allow myself and others in my family the grace we need to weather another storm of change. I’ve tried to embrace the pro’s and quietly forget the con’s that come with this change. I’ve tried to just put one foot in front of the other and do all that I can to be the best that I can.
It was a month of decisions and announcements and farewells. It’s been another month of changes, and learning, and returning, and hello’s. Winter finally decided to leave, spring has been trying to arrive, and we are already on our third weekend at the lake this summer. As the aroma of the coffee reached my nose, and the steam danced up from the machine, the vivid colors of last nights sunset still clearly etched in my mind, I couldn’t help but think that I’m still feeling a little lost, and questioned why.
Why have I felt so lost nearly my entire life? Why if I continue to faithfully follow and do what I feel I need to be doing in life, am I still feeling lost - should this not have all finally be bringing me to a place of wholeness?
And then the thought struck me. I think it’s God’s intent for us to never NOT feel some sense of lost-ness while we are still here on earth. This feeling of lost, of longing for more within us at all times, is how God created us, it’s part of the beautiful DNA woven within our fibers… If we weren’t ever hungry, or wondering, or longing for more, we would never have reason to change, to grow, to produce bigger, to achieve greater. What an incredible epiphany. So simple, yet so profound. A truth I've known my whole life and yet chose to not always see or comprehend clearly and completely.
I’ve gotten stuck in the reality that “someday” when I finally become enough, when I have finally done enough, when I finally figured it all out correctly, that I will then feel completely whole, completely settled, completely content, completely at peace within myself. Ahhhhhhh. (Like the Calgon Take Me Away "Ahhhhhh"). No more unrest and upset about myself, my life, my world around me.
But I believe that is a lie that satan has been trying to feed me for the last forty three years. Absolute wholeness is not something that we will ever be, or can ever be while here on earth. God has given us these longings and lost-ness on purpose, for a reason, for us to always continue forward, always strive for greater, always reach for higher, always long for more of Him.
God wants us to always be coming to Him, calling out to Him, reaching out to Him, falling at His feet, always striving Heavenward. Our prize of utter contentment and fulfillment and final arrival will never happen while here on earth… that dream and desire and longing is what God is using to ultimately and hopefully bring each of us to our final arrival to Him in Heaven. That is when we will finally sink into that beautiful aqua adirondack chair and fully feel content, true rest, absolute joy, peace, and completion.
Until the day we finally arrive in Heaven, we will always be a little lost (with some seasons and reasons leaving us even more lost than others) - and I believe it’s time to start working on embracing and celebrating that reality rather than using it to deflate us and leave us feeling a constant state of not enough in our lost and less-than lives.
We are all hurting and lost, but it’s for a reason, for a purpose … let’s try embrace it rather than fight it and bring us down. Let’s be brave and dare to actually love ourselves, and each other, as we are, as the gift God created us to be.
Let’s stop apologizing, stop allowing the guilt to cling and hold us back. Let’s stop settling for mediocrity, hiding behind the societies mask of social acceptability. Let’s quit falling for the lies that it’s just you, and only you, and you are all alone. Let’s finally embrace that it’s ok to not be ok, that it's ok to do less and become more, that it’s ok to be vulnerable and openly real and honest with each other. Let’s embrace that it’s ok to feel lost - grabbing on to that and continue forward trying to navigate the way. Let’s stop waiting for the answers to be given to us and take the chances, dare to fall, dare to dance, dare to embrace the bumps and dark shadows of our own journey’s.
I’m finding it’s exactly in these defining moments that the greatest joy and sunshine are just around the corner. They may only stay for the briefest of moments before the next turn and pocket of blackness again envelops. As I look back behind me over the timeline of my own life, I am starting to finally feel confident knowing that there will be sunshine again, and that I need to just trust the moments I am lost within as simply continued footsteps in my journey homeward. And “home” will never be fully reached on the soil of this sin filled earth. That reality gives me pause and boldly tells me I need to allow myself more grace with my inner battle over all that I am, all that I’m not, all that I am yet to be, and all that I will never be.
Perhaps all my life I really haven’t been as lost as I’ve always assumed I was, apparently all along I’ve just been traveling on a really incredible earthly journey heavenward, living a life exactly how God planned and created me to experience.
