The Start To Our Goodbyes

I didn't know the full extent of this reality yet, but this was the day we officially started our goodbyes to our little Faith.

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~~~Flashback post~~~
The Start To Our Goodbyes (March 26, 2015)

"Tomorrow at noon we are scheduled to leave for our hiking trip to the Starved Rock State Park in Illinois.  We booked this trip right after our 10th Anniversary, a little over a year ago.  A grand celebration of my 40th birthday and our 11th Anniversary, twelve months in the making.

We were fairly certain with everything going on, and the fact I am basically on bed rest with this pregnancy, as we live and wait for her to pass away, that we would not be going on this trip.  But at our last appointment the doctor continued to be surprised by her growth and strength and did not feel we would need to cancel.  In fact, he said it might be the best thing for us, to just get away for a while.

I personally have no idea how I'm going to be able to actually do any hiking, and I'm already nervous of the disappointment this will bring Brian.

Next Tuesday when we return home, we will have our next doctor appointment in Sioux Falls.  We are scheduled to walk through where we will deliver.  We will meet our palliative care team and discuss the various options we are wanting, depending on the how and when of when she will be born. There will be a still birth plan and there will be a live birth plan.  We also have an appointment at the funeral home after the doctor appointment.  I called them on the phone to make the appointment and talked briefly with them.  We will arrange as much as we can ahead of time there as well.

I'm typically all over pre-packing and lists and checking and double checking everything in preparation and excitement for our trips.  But not this time.  I do not have the focus or energy to force myself to think long enough and clearly enough.  And I won't lie, I am filled with fear.

Granted, I have been filled with fear since the moment I went in for my pelvic ultrasound.  The day I thought they were going to find cancer, but instead found a tiny heartbeat.  At that moment I was instantly slammed with the force of my overwhelming fear of miscarrying, of hemorrhaging, of my own death in the midst of it.  I am most fearful of the unknown timeline in front of me.  I am caught in a vortex of insanity and wait.  I want control, I want to know the date, the time, the circumstances in how we will lose her.  But God again and again is proving He is the one and only one in control of all of this.

I am angry, I am scared, I am emotional, I am exhausted.

While at work today I had this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Not an ache or hunger, but a slight twinge of "something" causing my heart to beat just a little faster and my mind to slow ever so slightly as I tried to reason and overlook it.  But it stayed.  Deep deep within I know something is off.

After supper I sat down in the chair and looked over at Brian.  He is so excited to go on this trip, and I had no idea how to tell him I just really have a bad feeling about it.  He looked at me oddly and finally asked me what was the matter, and I simply replied..

"You are not going to hate me are you if we don't end up going on this trip are you?!?"

I went on to explain that something wasn't right, something felt off, and I had decided I was going to call the local clinic in the morning to see if my regular doctor had any appointments available.  I just feel the need to hear her heartbeat before we get in the car and headed out of town.

If there was still a strong heartbeat, and everything appeared to still be ok, I would agree to go on the trip.  I'm not quite sure what I will do if there aren't any appointments available..."

{ Click HERE for our next journal entry, "Already In the Arms Of Jesus" }
{ Click HERE for our previous journal entry, "The Second Confirmation" }