All Things Pink (March 9, 2015)
I live in a house full of all things men and boys. Legos, matchbox cars, super heros, farm toys, paint ball, and all things hunting from camo to ammo, from plastic toy to the semi-automatic locked up in the safe under the stairs. I have stated time and time again if we were to ever adopt, or Lord willing, be blessed with another child, I did not want a girl. I would have no idea what to do with a girl. And there was not one pink thing in the house (besides my pink camo hoodie). And plus, I only had the perfect boys name figured out. And yet, as through my tears I had quietly asked at the end of our initial phone conversation with our geneticblood work results, if they knew the sex of the baby and she had said yes... And had then heard the words… “It’s a girl.”
For some reason, this information just seemed to drive the dagger of unjust and all things unfair even further in. As the tears continued to fall onto the table below me, I could hear Brian’s audible sobbing over the phone and it was all just too much.
Faith MaryJo.
We never actually spoke her name out loud for a long time after that phone conversation, but we both knew that was her name. As we had sat in the doctors office the morning after first finding out about the pregnancy, waiting for the doctor to come in with the ultrasound results, my husband had quietly said he had the perfect girls name. Faith MaryJo. Faith meaning "Confidence, Trust, Belief" and MaryJo the combination of both our mothers first names. I had replied with my perfect boys name. A name that meant "At the Cross” with my fathers name for the middle name. A twenty second conversation, after eleven years of earlier futile thoughts and conversations, and that was that.
Fast forward a few weeks and insert a several more tests, tears, results, clarity, and processing, and we began the harder-than-anticipated task of purchasing the initial pink purchases for her birth and funeral over the weekend while we were away. But, there were still two items left, so one night I went online and loaded a light pink scalloped photo frame (the scallops to match the blankets) with the words “Jesus Loves Me” under the photo opening, and a light pink scrapbook, because the only pink one from Walmart was hot pink and just not the right shade for me (this was my one and only chance and time for pink, so I decided I wasn't going to settle for anything that wasn't exactly what I had decided I had wanted in my head). The scrapbook I finally put in the cart was light pink with a little elephant on the front, similar to the embroidered elephant on the pink blankets. As I went to check out, it flashed “Two-day free delivery, order in the next five hours and receive by Tuesday, March 10.” Great, just what I wanted, to come home from work the day of my 40th birthday to the awaiting delivery boxes. But life is what it is right now, and it’s one foot in front of the other. Fake it ‘till you make it. One day at a time, or more like one hour at a time if we’re totally honest.
Soon we will have everything for her funeral carefully tucked away in the storage closet in our bathroom. I realize I should probably attempt to start scrapbooking some of these "precious memories" of photos and general updates I’ve printed and are gathering, but I'm just not sure I will be able to. I may never be able to...
"...precious memories...” ~ words that leave a bitter taste in my mouth right now, as I feel all of this is far from “precious...”
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