Labor and Delivery (March 27, 2015)
I could spend hours sharing these details, but I'm quite certain there is no one out there remotely interested in what it's really like in the inner room, in the birthing wing, on the maternity floor of a specialty hospital, when the only reason you are there is to induce labor to ultimately deliver a baby that is no longer alive. I also believe in protecting the sacredness of that moment between my husband and I. I realize "sacred" is perhaps and odd word to use to describe the worst day of our lives, and yet - it is in the monumental moments like these in our lives, and in our marriages, that fuse the bond and strength of ones relationship.
We traveled hand in hand, heart to heart, dragging each other through the worst nightmare of our life thus far. We stood by each other during our ugliest, our hardest, our darkest moments.
We were embraced by the most amazing nurses who lovingly sat us down and walked us through what was about to happen, the why, the when, the reason for what was all going to be happening. We had been scheduled to find all of this out in just a few days, but we had not made it that far. We had not mentally been able to start processing this leg of the journey, and it was the one that we knew was going to be the hardest. And yet there we were, plowing forward full speed, ready or not.
We were embraced by the most amazing nurses who lovingly sat us down and walked us through what was about to happen, the why, the when, the reason for what was all going to be happening. We had been scheduled to find all of this out in just a few days, but we had not made it that far. We had not mentally been able to start processing this leg of the journey, and it was the one that we knew was going to be the hardest. And yet there we were, plowing forward full speed, ready or not.
Within a matter of hours of hearing those fateful words, "there's no heartbeat..." I was checked in at a hospital in another state, gowned, iv'd, and had been given the medicines to start contractions. A doctor whom I had never met before came in around 5:00 p.m. and stood at the end of my bed and quietly told us that this typically was something that did not go quickly. We would not delver that night, more than likely we would not deliver the following day either, his assumption was we would deliver early Sunday morning. Wow, that was a sobering blow to us... We were in for a long haul. I had unsuccessfully labored and delivered for two and a half days with my oldest, I'm not sure why I had hoped this time it would be different.
In the hours that followed we would laugh, we would cry and we would cry some more. We attempted to remain as real and upbeat as we could. I found out labor and delivery for a stillborn premie at the age of 40, was just as intense and hard as the labor and delivery of full term at the age of 22. For some reason I had let my mind convince me with an odd logic that since the baby would be small and not full term, that the labor and contractions would also be small and not as bad. This was absolutely not the case. But I had no option to change, stop, or back out.
Labor was heavy, my water broke minutes after my husband had left to get something to eat, and everything quickly started falling apart. She was breach and she was coming much sooner than anyone had imagined. My husband finally rushed back in, the new doctor who was now on call arrived, and only a few short hours after our arrival, at 7:37 p.m. on Friday, March 27th, Faith MaryJo was born. She did not get to greet the world with a cry, but I did.
In the hours that followed we would laugh, we would cry and we would cry some more. We attempted to remain as real and upbeat as we could. I found out labor and delivery for a stillborn premie at the age of 40, was just as intense and hard as the labor and delivery of full term at the age of 22. For some reason I had let my mind convince me with an odd logic that since the baby would be small and not full term, that the labor and contractions would also be small and not as bad. This was absolutely not the case. But I had no option to change, stop, or back out.
Labor was heavy, my water broke minutes after my husband had left to get something to eat, and everything quickly started falling apart. She was breach and she was coming much sooner than anyone had imagined. My husband finally rushed back in, the new doctor who was now on call arrived, and only a few short hours after our arrival, at 7:37 p.m. on Friday, March 27th, Faith MaryJo was born. She did not get to greet the world with a cry, but I did.
Details with the delivery had not gone as they had hoped, and quickly we realized there was going to be further complications with the remainder of the delivery and the next several hours were crazy, intense, stressful, and long. Since everything had gone so quickly I did not receive any pain medicine until the very end, it was short lived relief, and we were down to the wire for time. They brought in the surgery paperwork and I had everything signed and ready. And this made me so angry.
I did NOT want a spinal. I had lived through two of them; the emergency c-section after two days failed labor and delivery with my oldest, and hemorrhaging after my miscarriage a year later. In my opinion, the six to twelve hours of my body coming out of a spinal was one of the top worst things I've gone through... and to suddenly go from stillbirth labor and delivery to signing paperwork for another spinal and surgery left me emotionally livid at God. If I was going to have to end up still having surgery, why in the world did God make me go through labor and delivery as well?!? I hadn't basically eaten or been able to drink anything (even water) all day, which was not helping the matter. Finally there was one last "natural" procedure to try before I would be whisked off to surgery. There were nurses and the doctor and my husband beside me... and my body finally gave up its fight, and all things once in, were now all things finally out.
I vividly remember there was an immediate bright light coming down on me, on my left side, filling the area of my hospital bed from above. Maybe it was the lights in the room, but I believe it was God choosing to spare my life.
Done. Delivered. Alive. I was still alive. There was a momentary initial ten ton weight lifted from me. It was late. It was dark. It was done.
I did NOT want a spinal. I had lived through two of them; the emergency c-section after two days failed labor and delivery with my oldest, and hemorrhaging after my miscarriage a year later. In my opinion, the six to twelve hours of my body coming out of a spinal was one of the top worst things I've gone through... and to suddenly go from stillbirth labor and delivery to signing paperwork for another spinal and surgery left me emotionally livid at God. If I was going to have to end up still having surgery, why in the world did God make me go through labor and delivery as well?!? I hadn't basically eaten or been able to drink anything (even water) all day, which was not helping the matter. Finally there was one last "natural" procedure to try before I would be whisked off to surgery. There were nurses and the doctor and my husband beside me... and my body finally gave up its fight, and all things once in, were now all things finally out.
I vividly remember there was an immediate bright light coming down on me, on my left side, filling the area of my hospital bed from above. Maybe it was the lights in the room, but I believe it was God choosing to spare my life.
Done. Delivered. Alive. I was still alive. There was a momentary initial ten ton weight lifted from me. It was late. It was dark. It was done.
They closely monitored me for the next several hours, knowing my history. After midnight I was finally given the ok to order something to eat and drink. We ordered off a menu and it was delivered to the room. We sat silent and numb, in utter exhaustion as we attempted to eat the food in front of us.
It was over - all of it was finally over, and all of it actually was just a different kind of beginning.
I cried the entire night while my husband snored loudly on the couch next to my bed. I had always been the one on the couch, the supportive healthy one. It had been 16 years since I had been a patient in the hospital. I had had a miscarriage, followed by unexpected hemorrhaging. And I had gone home without a baby that time as well.
The next morning the funeral home quietly slipped in and out, and later we would pack our bags and were slowly escorted down the long maternity floor hallway. The walls were lined with enlargements of babies and smiling families. The doors to the rooms were open and filled with tiny little newborns wrapped up tight, surrounded by the buzz of visiting family. Balloons, flowers, excitement. So many babies.
It was the hardest, longest walk of my life. No carseat, no balloons, no flowers, no gifts. No baby. Just tears, so very, very many tears. My heart broke into a million pieces over and over with every step we took.
{ click HERE for our next journal entry, "Funeral Details" }
{ click HERE for our previous journal entry, "Already In The Arms of Jesus" }
I cried the entire night while my husband snored loudly on the couch next to my bed. I had always been the one on the couch, the supportive healthy one. It had been 16 years since I had been a patient in the hospital. I had had a miscarriage, followed by unexpected hemorrhaging. And I had gone home without a baby that time as well.
The next morning the funeral home quietly slipped in and out, and later we would pack our bags and were slowly escorted down the long maternity floor hallway. The walls were lined with enlargements of babies and smiling families. The doors to the rooms were open and filled with tiny little newborns wrapped up tight, surrounded by the buzz of visiting family. Balloons, flowers, excitement. So many babies.
It was the hardest, longest walk of my life. No carseat, no balloons, no flowers, no gifts. No baby. Just tears, so very, very many tears. My heart broke into a million pieces over and over with every step we took.
{ click HERE for our next journal entry, "Funeral Details" }
{ click HERE for our previous journal entry, "Already In The Arms of Jesus" }
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