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~~~Flashback post~~~
Funeral Details (March 28, 2015)
I think one of the hardest things in this whole journey and loss, was trying to figure out and justify the "appropriateness" of what is both "socially acceptable" and what we felt deep within us was the right thing, and the right way, to give us the closer we needed and celebrate this little life that never even got the chance to really even live.
We were also now faced with the reality of how would we publicly share about something so hard, so sad, and ultimately ~ so secret. At that exact moment the majority of the world still had no idea what our little family had just gone through.
We had had the option to leave her at the hospital, where we were told she would be appropriately laid next to other lost babies from the hospital, which of course was not an option for us. So the funeral home was notified, and a few hours after we were released from the hospital, after we had walked down that horribly hard and incredibly sad never-ending maternity floor hallway, we parked our vehicle in front of the funeral home, on the busiest and main road running through our little town, my name and business logo completely visible on the side windows.
We slowly walked in that late Saturday afternoon, hand in hand. This time we were not there to meet any other family or friends and give them our sympathies. This time we were "the family" that was there to do "the planning". And I personally was greatly wrestling with what to do. Should we do any kind of public visitation? Should we do any kind of public funeral? Should we do any kind of reception and lunch following?
I did not want to not celebrate her, I didn't want to overlook and under appreciate the reality of her life and the magnitude and enormity of this loss, but I had no idea what was the appropriate manner in which to accomplish this.
All along, we had known that this moment could not be fully pre-planned, because it really would look different depending on the date and way in which we would finally lose her. The details of this funeral planning would be different than the funeral plans we would have made had she been born full term, after a full and publicly visible second-half of the pregnancy.
Seriously, I cannot begin to describe the amount of emotions all this brought me, on top of everything else we had just gone through. We had known all along this was going to happen, we had talked and shared our thoughts for our hopes for this moment, and Lord knows I had mulled the millions of options over and over and over in my head over the weeks prior. And yet, honestly, nothing can possibly prepare any parent to be able to fully comprehend what it will feel like knowing you have an appointment at the funeral home, to make final arrangements for your child.
But... it was the next step, the next thing we knew we needed to do. The next part of the journey we had to bravely just get through.
The funeral director met us inside the door and we all sat down at a table in a small area around the corner. He had our folder started, there was paperwork to begin. And I will never forget the sorrow and emotions that overtook my husband at that moment.
It was one of those similar moments like so many had been with the two of us throughout this journey. Thankfully, God rarely seemed to allow both of us to completely fall apart at the same time. He would give one of us just a little more strength during those moments when the other was crashing to rock bottom. And suddenly, mid-sentence, my husband put his head down and just sobbed. Huge emotional sobs coming from the depths of his broken heart and shattered dreams. I sat quietly next to him, rubbing his back, holding tightly to his strong arm, just letting him cry. I may have had a few tears pool into his, but I distinctly remember not being overcome and having the odd strength to just somehow hold myself together in that moment.
We chose a tiny white casket, covered in white embroidered fabric, and we handed over the soft pink and white scalloped blanket we had so emotionally chosen earlier. We chose a single light pink rose for the flower on top. We decided to not have any kind of visitation. We went ahead with our initial plan of having a small grave-side service, that we would personally invite about fifty close family and friends to attend with us. We would have a receiving line after the service at our church, followed by a small lunch. We would serve heavily buttered funeral ham buns, potato salad, chips, fruit, and volunteer donated variety of cakes. We chose a list of songs we would have quietly playing during the lunch.
It was intimate, small, and yet just large enough to still hopefully be the perfect farewell and special closure all of us needed.
The reality never left my mind that nearly a year earlier I had taken over the job responsibilities to be the "Funeral Coordinator" at our church. No one would have ever guessed that the very next funeral in our church would be for my very own family, my very own child. It broke my heart knowing my church family and my fellow co-workers were going to be the next ones getting the call to organize and plan for all this from the church's end.
And then we worked on the obituary. The beautiful words we would finally publicly share about the life and loss of our precious little girl...
{ click HERE for our next journal entry, "Going Public" }
{ click HERE for our previous journal entry, "Labor and Delivery" }
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