Amnio Appointment Part 2

{Missed the previous posts of our Journey to Faith story? start HERE}

~~~ Flashback Post ~~~
Amnio Appointment Part 2 (March 4, 2015)

At the end of the amniocentesis appointment they told us to set up another appointment in a month. We would be getting another phone call in seven to ten days from our genetic counselor with the test results from the amniocentesis. At our next appointment there would be an ultrasound, an echocardiogram to look closer at her little heart, there would be a walk through of the birthing wing, and an extended meeting with the palliative care team to figure out our birth plan.

Palliative care. The definition of palliative care is: the relieving or soothing of symptoms of a disease or disorder while maintaining the highest possible quality of life for patients. A term four weeks earlier I had never even heard of, and it made me weep just thinking about. We should be talking about nursery bedding and cloth diapers, not the possibility of comfort and pain management options for the dying along with our hopes and wishes throughout the birth process depending on when she would pass away within that process.

Also at the end of the appointment the doctor gave us several more nuggets of information we would need to digest.

One – no matter when she would pass away, whether that day or any time to term, she would be vaginally birthed. This I was not prepared for. I had had an emergency C-cection with my oldest after two days of intense labor and delivery. I had had complications and I never planned to attempt vaginal childbirth ever again. I’d also heard stories of women trying to have a vaginal birth after a C-section birth and having extreme complications due to their uterus tearing at the scar area during delivery. I quickly mentioned the fact I’d had a C-cection, and was simply told that when a baby has a diagnosis where they know the baby is not going to live, they will not perform a C-section to endanger or put extra risk on mom or help prolong the life of the baby by allowing it an easier entrance into the world.

The reality of having to labor and deliver a stillborn baby, or one who would not survive birth was something that would take me a long time to wrap my mind around.

We talked about what would happen to her body after she had passed away and was delivered. We could call our local funeral home and have them come for her, or we could choose for her to be kept at the hospital and they would place her with other lost babies, which they processed and placed together periodically at a vault at a local cemetery. At least I believe that was the details of that option, I basically stopped listening after telling them we would have our funeral home come for her.

Two – the doctor made the comment that due to her initial growth and strength, we may be looking at needing a slightly longer plan if she were to not pass away immediately after birth.

I had only processed her life with her birth and death coinciding together. As he spoke these words, for some reason I was struck with utter fear. I had not thought about the reality of possibly having to care for a dying child beyond birth. The likelihood of that, of course, was very slim, but he felt it was something we at least needed to include in our discussion with our care team at our next appointment.

Immediate death was one reality. Prolonged death was entirely something else.

Three – my husband and I had planned a fortieth birthday / anniversary trip over eleven months earlier, and it was coming up in just a few weeks. We were unsure if we needed to try cancel or what we should do. The doctor gave us the ok to go, assuring us with the way the ultrasound looked and her current health and strength, he did not feel we had anything to worry about. He went as far as to encourage us not to cancel, that getting away together for a while might be the best thing we could do.

And then one last fact was laid upon us. In our situation, with the diagnosis we now had, the state we would be delivering in (which was a different state than we lived in) had the option to induce labor up until twenty-four weeks. In simple terms – we could chose to induce her labor and birth up until the point when we knew there would be no survival option outside the womb. We would choose her end.

And as black and white / yes or no of an option as that sounds – I guarantee, within a reality like we were in, it suddenly was not so black and white. While of course my initial answer was that would not be something I would ever consider, truth be told, it was something I wondered if we maybe should spend some serious time in thought, conversation, and prayer over.

This option would give us control. This option would give us a set time frame.  This option would put her birth in a controlled environment. This option was also mixed with all sorts of religious and personal conviction and belief issues I was sure I wouldn't be able to live with. And this option was something ultimately I had final say over as the mom carrying the child.  I didn't even want to think about it, and I surely didn't want to ever have to talk about it.

Dammit Eve... why'd you eat that apple?!?  Oh the continued sigh over the sin of the world.

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