Skinny Jeans.
You know those jeans somewhere in your house... either in a box in the basement, on a hanger in the back of your closet, on the bottom of a dresser drawer... Where ever they are... they are there. Kept and waiting. Waiting for you to someday pull them back out and attempt to put them back on.
Someday, they may even be again worn out in public. Someday. Maybe. But... not today, and probably not next month.
But they're there, you know where they are. They are your most favorite pair of jeans you own, you probably even spent a little more on them than you typically allow yourself to spend on jeans. Because when you bought them... you felt beautiful. You felt thin. You felt successful and healthy... and special.
They were one of the last pair you bought during you last "season" of weight loss success, and they are one of the first you stopped wearing when the weight slowly started crawling back on.
Memories attached to those jeans include surges of great joy as you slipped them on the first time and turned around to admire and critically judge them, and your body in them, in the mirror. But they passed the test, and they gave you a great feeling of fullness and accomplishment. They also carry with them the angst and frustration associated in the feeling of increased tightness in their fabric when the pounds came back... the voices in your head whispered their lies of failure in the physical uncomfortableness of pinched skin in too tight jeans.
These two opposing memories and attachments keep you from allowing yourself to get rid of them. Someday. Someday you will be there again. And someday they will still be there waiting... even if they are incredibly old and out of style. They will still be there to be the final judge on just how far you still need to go, or just how far you have finally again come.
Ok... is this just me?!? Someone tell me surely this is not just me...
Well. I have been on a weight loss and return to health journey for the last year. And you know what... I actually got back into my Skinny Jeans. Yes I did. I even wore them to work a few times this spring. I even had to wear a belt with them once (not that they were BIG by any means... but when you have butt and hips that are bigger than your waist... well, you are doomed to have to wear and mess with belts and pant waist pucker issues basically every day of your life. I often had extra belt loops sewn on to the back of my jeans to try control that huge gap problem that happens below your back kidney area any time I wore jeans that were big enough to fit over my butt and hips.)
Well. I have been on a weight loss and return to health journey for the last year. And you know what... I actually got back into my Skinny Jeans. Yes I did. I even wore them to work a few times this spring. I even had to wear a belt with them once (not that they were BIG by any means... but when you have butt and hips that are bigger than your waist... well, you are doomed to have to wear and mess with belts and pant waist pucker issues basically every day of your life. I often had extra belt loops sewn on to the back of my jeans to try control that huge gap problem that happens below your back kidney area any time I wore jeans that were big enough to fit over my butt and hips.)
But that's another blog post for another day. I digress, sorry.
Anyway... skinny jeans, belts, closet cleaning, and slowly replacing and finally letting go of a lot of clothes that didn't currently fit... that's a slow little sub journey I have been on through my larger and broader current weight loss journey.
A few weeks ago I purged about 80% of my clothes. Gone. Donated. Done. Minus that sacred box of bigger jeans I safely tucked away in the basement for... you know... when I'm going to need them again. Because I will. Because I always do.
I've been quite hesitant to buy a lot of new clothes, but have slowly been adding. A few from the local second hand store, and a few from my new favorite place, Maurice's.
I'm Dutch, I hate shopping, and I'm a tightwad and a total bargain shopper... I always have been... so I often scroll through their clearance section online... and a few weeks ago I found a pair of Silver brand jeans on sale for 80% off, with free shipping to their local store, located in the town about ten minutes away. The only kicker is, they only came in a size that was much smaller than the last pair I had boughten. (Silver brand jeans have been one of my previous allowable splurges because they just fit and felt so good. I have a "big" size pair and I had a "smaller" size pair of the same cut and color). There was also free returns, and I honestly didn't even know what size jeans I currently even wore... so in a moment of shear weakness I purchased them.
About a week and a half later I got an email they were ready for pickup.
Only I wasn't ready to pick them up.
I had woken up one day during that timeframe, and my mind had switched gears on me. My mind had decided to give in to the battle of hard and was wanting to turn and leave this current season of weight loss and head back to a much more simplistic season... that dreaded season of weight gain. Read more HERE about this.
So here I am, sitting in flux between wanting to quit and wanting to continue forward. Lord knows I do not want to walk away from all I've accomplished, all I've overcome this time... but the inner pull to quit is so intense, and so tempting, and so justifiable right now. And I know me... I know myself... and I always end up right back where I started... usually with an extra 5-10 pounds in addition towing along in the cellulite and thickened hips, butt, and waistline.
I let those jeans sit there waiting for me to pick them up for two weeks. I was fairly certain there were not going to fit in the first place, when I was at my thinnest on the day I ordered them... and then I had gained six pounds in six days... and I couldn't figure out how to go forward or backward again at that point... But I knew I needed to just go and pick them up, and return a dress I had decided not to keep. (It was more of a financial excuse that I needed the return money vs really wanting to pick up those jeans if I'm honest).
She handed the jeans over to me and I held them in my hands. I'd forgotten how much I had loved my past Silver jeans. I decided to try them on in the store, I wasn't even going to take them home.
In that dressing room I stood getting ready to put my foot into them. We always look out absolute worst at that moment, nearly naked and exposed in the bad overhead lighting and the enormous mirrors only a foot in front of us. We stand there in our underwear and see our legs, our cellulite, our screaming flaws and imperfections. And then we need to put something on, something we have no idea how will fit, or if we will even be able to get it on...
Well, I put my foot in, then the second... and I slowly pulled them up. And they actually went on. And they zipped. And they weren't too long (rare rare rare because I'm short short short) and... I didn't even need a belt.
"Like a glove" quietly whispered, almost inaudibly, through my mind.
And that I must add, never happens for me. And I honestly had a hard time standing there processing it all. I saw the full price printed on the tag (one dollar away from triple digits), knowing I got them for a steal, and thinking to myself that I might actually take them home with me.
Ten minutes later I walked out the door with them tucked and neatly folded in that beautiful aqua Maurice's shopping bag. I felt humbled and also filled with dread and heaviness.
Should I have even bought them? Surely they aren't going to even fit me anymore by next week. What was I thinking?!? I got home and laid them on my dresser, on top of the aqua bag, with the receipt neatly in top. All ready to be returned.
And then then two days later, after walking past them twenty-five times, I put them back on and stood looking at myself in my much smaller, toothpaste spatter-filled bathroom mirror... and I decided to wear them to work. I took the tags off, but did not throw them away. I put them on top of the bag and the receipt.
I left the house with them on. For some reason I am incredibly hesitant to actually wear the correct fitting pants right now (because until now I hadn't even bought myself any), I'm fearful of what people will say or think when they see me (which I totally know is all made up stories in my head... because no one other than myself really sees or cares or is even thinking about me, other than me. But there is just something about wearing them, being seen - really seen as I am today, right now, knowing I probably won't be able to sustain this same look long term... so why even show it at all then...?!?) Well, I went to work with them on. I walked out in public with them on. And I had forgotten how great it felt to wear a great pair of great fitting jeans... without needing to wear and fiddle with a belt every time I sat down and stood back up.
I decided to keep them (mostly probably because I dropped my entire bowl of hot oatmeal on the floor over noon-hour that day and a few little splatters got on them, so now I have to wash them and they're no longer returnable. {Wink}).
And with the reality of keeping them, also means that these jeans have now officially become my new Skinny Jeans. And there's a lot of emotional attachment and association with that.
I love them today, but I also know I will probably hate them by next week. These same jeans that made me feel like a million bucks two days ago very well are going to make me feel like a complete and utter failure two months from now as I quietly fold them and place them at the bottom of my drawer. There is always a love / hate relationship with Skinny Jeans. Well, at least for me anyway...
Yes, maybe they will be the inspiration and incentive I need to continue on with the battle... but probably not. At least not with the track record I currently have in the books.
I don't know what the life and story of these mighty, brand new, first owner Silvers are going to be for me. I can tell you all about the stories of the Skinny Jeans that just retired, and officially got replaced, so I know these babies are going to serve a purpose and will be my new best friend and my absolute worst enemy all in one finely woven, dark denim, little demon with a designer label, and a very small tag size sewn on the inside.
I carry high hopes, but realistic expectations at this point. I would love to wear these to Christmas with my family Christmas morning. We shall see... we shall see... and I will merely hope and pray for the best.
And I'm going to give all of you permission to ask me to post a selfie Christmas morning... and in that selfie will either be me in these jeans... or me in my other Silvers, from that box on the back shelf currently in my basement. But I'll be honest with you as to which pair they are. But I am going to set a goal that I'm still wearing these beauties, and they're still making me feel as beautiful in them as I do right now.
Not that beauty is defined by waist size and jeans, I absolutely know that... but rather the feeling of "beautiful" associated with the long term success at still actually fitting into them.
{ Previous blog post "Friday Sabbath" HERE }
Should I have even bought them? Surely they aren't going to even fit me anymore by next week. What was I thinking?!? I got home and laid them on my dresser, on top of the aqua bag, with the receipt neatly in top. All ready to be returned.
And then then two days later, after walking past them twenty-five times, I put them back on and stood looking at myself in my much smaller, toothpaste spatter-filled bathroom mirror... and I decided to wear them to work. I took the tags off, but did not throw them away. I put them on top of the bag and the receipt.
I left the house with them on. For some reason I am incredibly hesitant to actually wear the correct fitting pants right now (because until now I hadn't even bought myself any), I'm fearful of what people will say or think when they see me (which I totally know is all made up stories in my head... because no one other than myself really sees or cares or is even thinking about me, other than me. But there is just something about wearing them, being seen - really seen as I am today, right now, knowing I probably won't be able to sustain this same look long term... so why even show it at all then...?!?) Well, I went to work with them on. I walked out in public with them on. And I had forgotten how great it felt to wear a great pair of great fitting jeans... without needing to wear and fiddle with a belt every time I sat down and stood back up.
I decided to keep them (mostly probably because I dropped my entire bowl of hot oatmeal on the floor over noon-hour that day and a few little splatters got on them, so now I have to wash them and they're no longer returnable. {Wink}).
And with the reality of keeping them, also means that these jeans have now officially become my new Skinny Jeans. And there's a lot of emotional attachment and association with that.
I love them today, but I also know I will probably hate them by next week. These same jeans that made me feel like a million bucks two days ago very well are going to make me feel like a complete and utter failure two months from now as I quietly fold them and place them at the bottom of my drawer. There is always a love / hate relationship with Skinny Jeans. Well, at least for me anyway...
Yes, maybe they will be the inspiration and incentive I need to continue on with the battle... but probably not. At least not with the track record I currently have in the books.
I don't know what the life and story of these mighty, brand new, first owner Silvers are going to be for me. I can tell you all about the stories of the Skinny Jeans that just retired, and officially got replaced, so I know these babies are going to serve a purpose and will be my new best friend and my absolute worst enemy all in one finely woven, dark denim, little demon with a designer label, and a very small tag size sewn on the inside.
I carry high hopes, but realistic expectations at this point. I would love to wear these to Christmas with my family Christmas morning. We shall see... we shall see... and I will merely hope and pray for the best.
And I'm going to give all of you permission to ask me to post a selfie Christmas morning... and in that selfie will either be me in these jeans... or me in my other Silvers, from that box on the back shelf currently in my basement. But I'll be honest with you as to which pair they are. But I am going to set a goal that I'm still wearing these beauties, and they're still making me feel as beautiful in them as I do right now.
Not that beauty is defined by waist size and jeans, I absolutely know that... but rather the feeling of "beautiful" associated with the long term success at still actually fitting into them.
{ Previous blog post "Friday Sabbath" HERE }
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