Today I had to check myself in, sit silently in that back little waiting room, and enter those doors of the ultrasound room. I had to walk in, lay down, and live through a whole host of enormous and overpowering emotions.
Today I had to come face to face again with that moment when my life was changed in an instant… forever.
The last time I had been in that room, was actually for the same reason I was there again today. Irregular bleeding, inconsistent cycles. Only the last time I was there, I was in for one of the largest shocking surprises of my life. I walked in fearing results that would possibly lead to the words and conversations of hysterectomy… and would find out I was actually twelve weeks pregnant. At the age of forty. After sixteen years of infertility.
Yes, I had been three months pregnant and had no idea.
That blessed little heartbeat I heard and saw for the first time that day was our dear little Faith MaryJo. We would lose her to the Trisomy 18 disease a few months later. A miracle baby we never expected and then never got to take home. The life that we lost, which ended up saving my own in a roundabout way. We lost a lot when we lost our dear daughter, but I can honestly say now, that I have also gained more than I ever imagined in my life in regards to her.
Read more of our Journey to Faith story HERE.
Well… fast forward two and a half years, and surprise surprise, I am still dealing with bleeding issues. Sorry, this is TMI I totally realize… But I’m fairly certain I am not the only one dealing with this… I think a vast percentage of the population has dealt with, or is dealing with something that isn’t quite right for far too long of a period of time… a waiting… a wishing… a longing… an illness… an unknown on one’s life’s timeline…
For years I have felt a connection with the bleeding woman in the Bible. Although I would say I carried a little bit more bitterness than excitement or hope over it. Oh I understood the bleeding, and the unclean, and the waiting, and the year after year after year part… and I totally believed Jesus DID heal her, and I totally believed Jesus COULD heal me as well… but I also know that Jesus choose NOT to heal me in the physical way in which I had hoped and pleaded with Him for.
I knew what His answer was, but I always struggled trying to understand why. Why not heal me if He could? Why not simply reach down and touch me and instantly heal me or take away Faith's disease as well? I never had a doubt that he COULDN’T do it… I just knew He never was going to actually do it. I believe in miracles, I just knew He wasn’t going to grant me the opportunity to be a witness of them.
So I’ve bled, and I’ve waited, and I’ve questioned, and I’ve struggled, and I’ve lost babies, and I’ve cycled through many many emotions towards the great and all-powerful God for years and years and years. But His answer has always been the same - No. And after forty-two years, I was finally starting to come to grips with this reality.
My recent doctor appointment didn’t go quite as I had hoped, and I found my body shaking, my heart pumping loudly in my ears, my eyes leaking hot emotional tears as I heard her say the words “Let’s schedule an ultrasound and just see if we can find out what’s going on in there…” Nearly the same exact words a different doctor had said to me on that fateful day in February 2015. The day my world crashed around me and changed forever in the blink of an eye.
Oh dear Lord, I was going to have to go back into that room. I was going to have to lay back down on that bed. I was going to have to look back over to that screen again. My mind was wild with pulsing emotions.
As I sat in the waiting room, I had closed my eyes and said the simple words again “Lord, I need you to carry me… I cannot do it today… I cannot face this with the strength and courage needed today… I simply need to be carried today…” Moments later I was led to the room by the same tech who had walked me back at my last appointment. I stood in the room, and I found myself again in tears, my heart beating loudly, my hands shaking, my very soul heaving within me… and it all came rushing back.
So vivid, so close to home, so fresh, so raw, so big and overwhelming.
I was honest in my apparent emotions and apologized… I wasn’t sure if she was going to remember me or not, but I was instantly met with amazing love and full understanding from the tech. She gave me the time I needed, she gave me the space to feel what I needed, and she remembered, honored, and then talked with me about a broad range of subjects centering around myself and my family, making me feel seen, understood, special… and I was beyond grateful.
There was no big baby surprise today. And to be honest, I was greatly relieved when her very first words were “No baby in there this time…” I had no idea what I was going to do if there had been… and when I had mentioned my anxiety to a dear friend, I also said that I was pretty sure I couldn’t live through that all again… and I have to laugh because she had replied quite frankly, that she was pretty sure she couldn’t live through walking with me through that again either. :-) Oh she had loved me so well during that long and difficult time. I can only imagine how difficult I was to love during that time. She loved me when I was most unloveable. Many people loved me when I was most unloveable, and I am beyond grateful.
I’m not quite sure what the next steps in this particular journey will be. I’m honestly not overly worried, and I will need to wait for a week before I will hear anything back from the results. I will simply have to wait and see, and trust that whatever may or may not need to happen next, are simply God’s continued steps for me in my grand journey through this one life I have been given.
Whether I’ll hear “all is fine” or I’ll hear “possible cancer” or "endometriosis" or any variable in-between, I will either rejoice with singing and dancing, or I will hang on tight for the next rollercoaster adventure to begin.
It’s all about faith, it’s all about the journey… it’s all about my continued Journey to Faith.
{ Next blog post "I've Been At This A Year" HERE }
{Previous blog post "Heaviness" HERE }
I was honest in my apparent emotions and apologized… I wasn’t sure if she was going to remember me or not, but I was instantly met with amazing love and full understanding from the tech. She gave me the time I needed, she gave me the space to feel what I needed, and she remembered, honored, and then talked with me about a broad range of subjects centering around myself and my family, making me feel seen, understood, special… and I was beyond grateful.
There was no big baby surprise today. And to be honest, I was greatly relieved when her very first words were “No baby in there this time…” I had no idea what I was going to do if there had been… and when I had mentioned my anxiety to a dear friend, I also said that I was pretty sure I couldn’t live through that all again… and I have to laugh because she had replied quite frankly, that she was pretty sure she couldn’t live through walking with me through that again either. :-) Oh she had loved me so well during that long and difficult time. I can only imagine how difficult I was to love during that time. She loved me when I was most unloveable. Many people loved me when I was most unloveable, and I am beyond grateful.
I’m not quite sure what the next steps in this particular journey will be. I’m honestly not overly worried, and I will need to wait for a week before I will hear anything back from the results. I will simply have to wait and see, and trust that whatever may or may not need to happen next, are simply God’s continued steps for me in my grand journey through this one life I have been given.
Whether I’ll hear “all is fine” or I’ll hear “possible cancer” or "endometriosis" or any variable in-between, I will either rejoice with singing and dancing, or I will hang on tight for the next rollercoaster adventure to begin.
It’s all about faith, it’s all about the journey… it’s all about my continued Journey to Faith.
{ Next blog post "I've Been At This A Year" HERE }
{Previous blog post "Heaviness" HERE }
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