This is not the me I want to be right now. This is not the me anyone wants me to be right now. If you don’t believe me, I dare you to ask anyone I live with, and anyone I work with right now, and I’m pretty sure there will be a unanimous vote to veto me off the island right now.
I’m quite certain I need to start following myself around again with a broom and dustpan to attempt to sweep up the path of my own destruction. I'm moody. I'm grumpy. I'm irritable. What a sad and disappointing place to return to.
How does this happen? Where did the fullness and joy that once filled me not long ago all go? Who snuck in and sucked it all out of me, who pulled the rug out from under me, who replaced all my newly acquired sparkles with old rusty razor blades?
I lay in my bed, in the semi quiet of the house, breathing in and out… in and out… Tears stinging in the corners of my eyes as I reflect on the day. Another day of needing to somehow try right all my wrongs tomorrow… unless tomorrow goes off even worse than today, which will then only compound the already growing mire of bitterness and upset.
Why do we cling to so many little things, why do we care so incredibly much about such incredibly insignificant things? Things, laced with bold emotions, leading to unpleasantness. Why do I let it bother me, why do I allow it to sway my thoughts and feelings, why do I get worked up over the smallest of things in the grand scheme of life?
Speaking of small things in the grand scheme of life… I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself, all “woe is me” in the wake of my own personal emotional instability and lashing out today to those near and dear to me. My heart aches at my lack, at my poor choice of words and emotions, my mind weary of the continual battle of good vs evil. But beyond this tiny little town, with my tiny little pity-me self, there is a world that is lost and hurting. There are millions of people being affected by a hurricane. Many losing their homes, their pets, every material item they owned. There are people being openly persecuted for the color of their skin. There are historical books filled with heavy stories of what people have survived, what people have chosen to overcome. Great big events, great big tragedies, great big occurrences far greater than my little irritability with myself and those within my bubble.
Perhaps its time to retreat, time to pull myself back inward for a while. Stop sharing, stop caring, stop feeling with an intensity that causes pain and frustration, both to myself and to others around me. Perhaps it’s time to retreat to prayer and journaling, laying it at the foot of the cross, covering the feet of Jesus, handing it all over to Him.
I lay in my bed, in the semi quiet of the house, breathing in and out… in and out… Tears stinging in the corners of my eyes as I reflect on the day. Another day of needing to somehow try right all my wrongs tomorrow… unless tomorrow goes off even worse than today, which will then only compound the already growing mire of bitterness and upset.
Why do we cling to so many little things, why do we care so incredibly much about such incredibly insignificant things? Things, laced with bold emotions, leading to unpleasantness. Why do I let it bother me, why do I allow it to sway my thoughts and feelings, why do I get worked up over the smallest of things in the grand scheme of life?
Speaking of small things in the grand scheme of life… I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself, all “woe is me” in the wake of my own personal emotional instability and lashing out today to those near and dear to me. My heart aches at my lack, at my poor choice of words and emotions, my mind weary of the continual battle of good vs evil. But beyond this tiny little town, with my tiny little pity-me self, there is a world that is lost and hurting. There are millions of people being affected by a hurricane. Many losing their homes, their pets, every material item they owned. There are people being openly persecuted for the color of their skin. There are historical books filled with heavy stories of what people have survived, what people have chosen to overcome. Great big events, great big tragedies, great big occurrences far greater than my little irritability with myself and those within my bubble.
Perhaps its time to retreat, time to pull myself back inward for a while. Stop sharing, stop caring, stop feeling with an intensity that causes pain and frustration, both to myself and to others around me. Perhaps it’s time to retreat to prayer and journaling, laying it at the foot of the cross, covering the feet of Jesus, handing it all over to Him.
Perhaps it’s time to simply ask Him to pick me up and carry me… just carry me… I just can’t do it, I just don't know how far I can make it right now... Carry me to tomorrow and create in me a clean heart... renew in me a right spirit...
{ Next blog post "Back Where It All Began" HERE }
{ Previous blog post "August Due Date" HERE }
{ Next blog post "Back Where It All Began" HERE }
{ Previous blog post "August Due Date" HERE }
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