I’m sitting at the same beach, with the same friends, at the same campground as the last three summers... although, I am a slightly different weight this year.
I have been diligently working at it all winter, and I returned this spring with a slightly transformed inside and outside. And yet as I sit here at the beach for the first time this season, I find I am still completely self conscious... still unhappy with my legs, still unhappy with the hanging skin of my underarms… still unhappy with the stomach that will never be flat after a c-section twenty years ago. I’m still looking around and comparing myself.
Yes, can you believe it - I am still unhappy with those same legs that I have been diligently training with and that recently allowed me to cross off completing a half marathon from my bucket list. Those legs continue to carry me mile after mile, and hour after hour, of continued half marathon training this summer. I worked so hard to lose the weight, to firm and tone, and now I’m seeing crepey skin, wrinkles, and cellulite that is still there.
I look at the stats I've copied over onto my calendar each month with the hours, and miles, and average paces I've logged each month. I look at the pile of books I’ve read, heavy with pencil marks and marginal notes. I look at the words I’ve written and shared about my journey. All that work, all those hours, all those miles, all that prayer and soul care... and here is sit… my self confidence seems to have missed the improvement memo.
Apparently simply losing weight does not magically lose the insecurities. Simply losing weight does not magically make our bodies perfect.
To be honest, I don’t think I actually expected it to. I’ve lived on the weight-loss roller coaster my whole entire life. For me in the past, the scale number goals that I gave myself were sometimes possible to attainable, but had never been sustainable. So I’m not sure why I thought this time might be any different. Perhaps it was because this time I haven’t been just work on losing the physical weight that hangs extra on my body… I’ve been diligently working on losing the spiritual and mental weight that also hangs so heavy inside me.
It is interesting how so often when we’re still standing on the other side - the before side, the ok let’s get this party started side, we stand there thinking ahead to the end results, to the final destinations - the when we finally accomplish / get / achieve that one thing, or those series of things… THEN we’ll be happy… THEN we’ll be content… THEN we’ll finally have peace and contentment.
But no matter how much we lose, no matter how much we accomplish, no matter how much we acquire or give away, I’m coming to grips with the reality, that it is simply never going to be enough.
Our bodies will never be perfect enough, our bank accounts will never be full enough, our relationships will never be filling enough, our possessions will never be new enough and big enough.
As John Maxwell beautifully states in his book Developing The Leaders Around You “The idea of arriving is an illusion. Our society is filled with people who arrive somewhere only to find themselves as discontented as they were before they succeed. The point of the journey is not arriving. The point is what you learn and whom you become along the way. Having goals is positive. Thinking that our journey is over once we achieve some of them is a danger we all face… Focus on the process, not the end product”
The point of the journey is not arriving. The point is what you learn and whom you become along the way. Yes, Yes, Yes. It’s so screamingly simple, so boldly complete. And yet, and yet… so incredibly hard to tangibly hang on to in the reality of our day-to-day living and breathing!
I look around at all the other people around me today at the beach. I look at the other moms and girls in their swimsuits. I look at the dads and boys in their lawn chairs and boats. Deep inside I know each and every one of us are all carrying around these same thoughts and insecurities as I am right now. We all look in the mirror and see the flaws we have pinpointed in our lives, we worry about the comparison game, we are all at war with the demons of “not enough” that bounce around like a rogue ping pong ball in our minds. It’s no wonder we all suffer from chronic headaches and exhaustion.
So, may I boldly ask… if we’re all dealing with this same thing inside, why do we allow it to continue? Why can’t we finally come to grips and shake hands with our imperfections and insecurities and merely stand up and say - hey world this is who I am. This is who God created me to be - cellulite, under arm jiggle, laugh line wrinkles and all. Look at me for who I am striving to be on the inside, look beyond the sin-filled flaws of my earthly body, look beyond the things you can judge me for and see me for who I am. All of me - the good the bad and the ugly. And then let’s stop looking at and judging all those around us and see them, and love them unconditionally for who they are, who God created them to be. Accepting them graciously and openly with all their good’s, bad’s, and ugly’s as well.
Let’s all make a pact to love more and judge less. Love ourselves more, love others more… judge ourselves less, judge others less. Stop comparing, stop complaining, stop striving for unattainable perfection.
Let’s all make a pact to love more and judge less. Love ourselves more, love others more… judge ourselves less, judge others less. Stop comparing, stop complaining, stop striving for unattainable perfection.
Put on the swimsuit, join the gang down at the beach, get in the water and play with the kiddos. Stop caring quite so much about the things you fear others are thinking… I’ve been learning over the course of this crazy journey, that in reality - I’m the one who is entirely guilty of creating all sorts of untrue and unnecessary drama and conversations in my head with what I think other people are thinking or saying or feeling in regards to things involving myself and them. It’s my own inner insecurities busy at work day in-and-day out trying to convince myself that the world around me is out to get me, that the world around me is far bigger, and greater, and better, and thinner, and more accomplished, and more qualified at everything than I will ever be.
My inner demons want to keep me small, keep me weak, keep me dependent and focused on myself and my fears and my flaws. But God is eagerly holding out His hand to me, providing me strength, and courage, and the sustainability I need for each hour, each day. I have to choose to turn around to seek it and take it. I have to stand up and battle myself and my perfection insecurities.
I need to figure out what I do need as I continue to invest in, to mold, to change within myself while I strive to become a better person, but also figure out what I need to simply just let go of, just stop trying to change and perfect, because it’s just not worth it in the grand scheme of life.
I’m finding it’s a fine sticky line between know what I need to change, and what’s not worth changing. It’s a tricky area in the margins of betterment and contentment. It’s being self aware, but not quite so self conscious. It’s about granting favor and grasping fallen world falsities with dignity and grace. It’s balancing personal perfection complexes in a very impersonal and imperfect world.
Today it’s simply putting on the swimsuit, going to the beach, and getting in the water. Not caring, not comparing, not obsessing. Tomorrow I’m sure it will be something else that will loom large and try overtake me, but I’ll deal with that demon tomorrow.
Today is today. Tomorrow is tomorrow. I am who I am, and that is simply going to have to be enough. Of course I know it never will be, but in theory it sure sounds good, and it sure makes for an amazing journey of self awareness and self care. And I remind myself yet again as John Maxwell states… “The point of the journey is not arriving. The point is what you learn and whom you become along the way.”
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