I went to bed last night mentally tired and physically exhausted after a long weekend of fun in the sun, the alarm clock set to 4:20am. The calendar says it’s an interval run / walk day today on my half marathon training schedule. And it’s a day I actually chose to take off and cash in some PTO for. A me day at the lake, a day I shouldn’t have taken, but did none-the-less.
Last week I push, push, pushed to relax, relax, relax. I had worked all week at church, I had allowed my financial overwhelm to speak too loudly in my head and I went against my summer cake rule and I baked, decorated, and posted cupcakes for sale during the week.
I push all week so I can rush back to the lake to relax all weekend. This is the standard story of the entire summer. And it’s one that I’ve grown to love, and I am not complaining about in the least, but I’m thinking I should maybe feel a tiny bit more relaxed right now…
Now, it wasn’t that I hadn’t actually relaxed while I was at the lake this weekend, because I had… but I realized that I have been starting to try actually schedule my relaxation lately, and I’ve yet to decide if this is a good thing or not, it’s something I need to spend some time looking closer at.
I actually made a “Relaxation To Do List” of what to do at the lake this weekend.
- Long run (check - 9 miles)
- Finish book (check - and read an entire 2nd book cover to cover)
- Download and process all new photos (check - so many awesome new picts)
- Early morning long walk (check - 4 miles)
- Photograph wind turbines at sunrise (check - and it was breathtaking)
- Write a blog (check - wrote two actually)
- Be vulnerable and share swimsuit blog on FB (hmmmm - didn’t have enough wi-fi time and haven’t gotten up enough courage for that one yet)
- Short run (check - 5 miles, and it was HARD, really hard)
- Organize my new photos that came in the mail this week (check - oh how I love new photo orders I get to physically touch and sort)
- Take a nap (half a check - I tried. I laid down but don’t think I actually slept)
- Sunset photos at the wooden bench on the other end of the campground (check - God was good and didn’t disappoint, the pict I had in my head I was able to capture in reality)
- Scrapbook prep 30 pages (not yet, but I have a few hours yet…)
- Go on a bike ride (not yet… I’m oddly hesitant about getting on that bike for some reason)
These are all things I love, things that fill me, things that I honestly consider relaxation… but when you start to list them all together all on one weekend’s to-do list… I can’t help but wonder if that starts to actually turn them into work. I’m wondering why I feel such a deep need to try control, fill, and maintain that intentionally carved out time of rest.
I’m a type-A, perfection-run, list maker. I always have been. It keeps me going, it keeps me on task, it keeps me producing productively, it keeps me feeling like I’m accomplishing something real and tangible as I boldly cross off line after line with my black fat sharpie marker. As I wrote about earlier, I’ve just recently started to allow myself to put some of my personal, passionate things right on my big life’s “get ‘r done” to-do lists every week. I’m still tackling the monumental mundane every day, but I began to make sure that I was also allowing time and recognition for intentional soul care as well.
And then, somehow, here I ended up with a to-do list of just soul care items to do while I was to be intentionally relaxing at the lake. Looking at this list (which is of course a book marker in my book), I started feeling oddly torn. While I love the idea of making sure I’m doing all these great passion-filled things for myself every day, that I’m being mindful of those crazy minutes that absolutely fly-by any time I’m intentionally trying to take a time of rest, I can’t help but ask myself if this is the best way to really relax. Is pre-identifying my desired areas of passion, pre-defining the tasks I plan to do to help re-fill my depleted tank of self actually going to continue to be all that filling and all that relaxful if it suddenly becomes a requirement of achievement to accomplish every weekend?
This is the very thing I both love and hate about myself. This is the very thing that screams of my quirky, driven, overachieving personality. Apparently all my recent work on personal soul care, of slowing down, of balancing self worth with the overwhelm of world responsibilities has gotten just slightly derailed. This manic mom has apparently gone just a few tiny steps too far in my quest for finding and carving out time for myself.
So back to that 4:20 am alarm clock, back to the thunder and sprinkles…
I am still at the lake, I am cashing in that PTO day for just me today.. and you know what, I honestly feel like I need to hide this fact for some reason - like that I need to lie about where I am and what I’m doing, because I’m doing it solely for me, and I’m basically doing nothing at all today. What is wrong with me, seriously, why do I think this way?!?!
As I stood in the humid, dark haze on my deck at 4:25 am, tiny sprinkles starting to whisper on the wood beneath my feet, I decided today was going to be a day off - a day off from everything. I might go on a slow walk around the campground later, weather permitting, but I am not going to do my interval running miles today. I am not going to head down the road in my running gear, headphones, and silicone sally chirping my time, distance and average speed every five minutes in my ear for an hour. I’m not going to look at the to-do list and try strategically plan the remaining ten hours of this day of rest and silence.
I am going to brew another cup of coffee, I am going to allow myself to sit in this glorious silence of dusk, and I am going to wrestle with those demons of controlling chaos in my head that are telling me I need to plan, I need to do, I need to accomplish, I need to achieve, I need to compete, I need to complete that mountain of tasks and decided upon desires that are all around me. I will continue to try conquer that crazy that says I can’t allow myself to feel worthy, feel successful, feel accomplished, feel filled, feel whole, feel complete, feel enough until I have actually physically accomplished every single thing, on every single list, in every single area of my life.
Today I will sit. Today I will rest - both my mind and my body. Today I will mourn the incredible speed in which I know the minutes and hours will tick by… but hopefully I will not put a tangible value on the worth of what today is by the number of tasks I need to achieve.
May today merely be a day of complete rest, a day of granted grace, a day of powerful peace, a day worthy of being marked as great, even if not one great thing is actually done or accomplished.
And for someone like me, I think giving myself the freedom to actually not accomplishing anything, may just in fact be the biggest accomplishment ever.
{ Next blog post "Days of White" HERE }
{ Previous blog post "The Aging of Lily" HERE }
- Photograph wind turbines at sunrise (check - and it was breathtaking)
- Write a blog (check - wrote two actually)
- Be vulnerable and share swimsuit blog on FB (hmmmm - didn’t have enough wi-fi time and haven’t gotten up enough courage for that one yet)
- Short run (check - 5 miles, and it was HARD, really hard)
- Organize my new photos that came in the mail this week (check - oh how I love new photo orders I get to physically touch and sort)
- Take a nap (half a check - I tried. I laid down but don’t think I actually slept)
- Sunset photos at the wooden bench on the other end of the campground (check - God was good and didn’t disappoint, the pict I had in my head I was able to capture in reality)
- Scrapbook prep 30 pages (not yet, but I have a few hours yet…)
- Go on a bike ride (not yet… I’m oddly hesitant about getting on that bike for some reason)
These are all things I love, things that fill me, things that I honestly consider relaxation… but when you start to list them all together all on one weekend’s to-do list… I can’t help but wonder if that starts to actually turn them into work. I’m wondering why I feel such a deep need to try control, fill, and maintain that intentionally carved out time of rest.
I’m a type-A, perfection-run, list maker. I always have been. It keeps me going, it keeps me on task, it keeps me producing productively, it keeps me feeling like I’m accomplishing something real and tangible as I boldly cross off line after line with my black fat sharpie marker. As I wrote about earlier, I’ve just recently started to allow myself to put some of my personal, passionate things right on my big life’s “get ‘r done” to-do lists every week. I’m still tackling the monumental mundane every day, but I began to make sure that I was also allowing time and recognition for intentional soul care as well.
And then, somehow, here I ended up with a to-do list of just soul care items to do while I was to be intentionally relaxing at the lake. Looking at this list (which is of course a book marker in my book), I started feeling oddly torn. While I love the idea of making sure I’m doing all these great passion-filled things for myself every day, that I’m being mindful of those crazy minutes that absolutely fly-by any time I’m intentionally trying to take a time of rest, I can’t help but ask myself if this is the best way to really relax. Is pre-identifying my desired areas of passion, pre-defining the tasks I plan to do to help re-fill my depleted tank of self actually going to continue to be all that filling and all that relaxful if it suddenly becomes a requirement of achievement to accomplish every weekend?
This is the very thing I both love and hate about myself. This is the very thing that screams of my quirky, driven, overachieving personality. Apparently all my recent work on personal soul care, of slowing down, of balancing self worth with the overwhelm of world responsibilities has gotten just slightly derailed. This manic mom has apparently gone just a few tiny steps too far in my quest for finding and carving out time for myself.
So back to that 4:20 am alarm clock, back to the thunder and sprinkles…
I am still at the lake, I am cashing in that PTO day for just me today.. and you know what, I honestly feel like I need to hide this fact for some reason - like that I need to lie about where I am and what I’m doing, because I’m doing it solely for me, and I’m basically doing nothing at all today. What is wrong with me, seriously, why do I think this way?!?!
As I stood in the humid, dark haze on my deck at 4:25 am, tiny sprinkles starting to whisper on the wood beneath my feet, I decided today was going to be a day off - a day off from everything. I might go on a slow walk around the campground later, weather permitting, but I am not going to do my interval running miles today. I am not going to head down the road in my running gear, headphones, and silicone sally chirping my time, distance and average speed every five minutes in my ear for an hour. I’m not going to look at the to-do list and try strategically plan the remaining ten hours of this day of rest and silence.
I am going to brew another cup of coffee, I am going to allow myself to sit in this glorious silence of dusk, and I am going to wrestle with those demons of controlling chaos in my head that are telling me I need to plan, I need to do, I need to accomplish, I need to achieve, I need to compete, I need to complete that mountain of tasks and decided upon desires that are all around me. I will continue to try conquer that crazy that says I can’t allow myself to feel worthy, feel successful, feel accomplished, feel filled, feel whole, feel complete, feel enough until I have actually physically accomplished every single thing, on every single list, in every single area of my life.
Today I will sit. Today I will rest - both my mind and my body. Today I will mourn the incredible speed in which I know the minutes and hours will tick by… but hopefully I will not put a tangible value on the worth of what today is by the number of tasks I need to achieve.
May today merely be a day of complete rest, a day of granted grace, a day of powerful peace, a day worthy of being marked as great, even if not one great thing is actually done or accomplished.
And for someone like me, I think giving myself the freedom to actually not accomplishing anything, may just in fact be the biggest accomplishment ever.
{ Next blog post "Days of White" HERE }
{ Previous blog post "The Aging of Lily" HERE }
No comments:
Post a Comment