Words on Weight

So, I'm going to give a little update on my current weight loss journey.

The update I found I have been putting off, for a myriad of odd reasons, most of which are just bizarre little stories I'm making up in my head, if I'm completely honest.  I can't quite decide if I should share about this or not...  Oddly, I feel like this is another one of those areas society is oddly silent about.

Who will care, who will even be interested in the fact I've lost a little weight??  When I knew I needed to get healthy and lose some weight - I would often feel slightly jealous towards those who were, those who were conquering and getting somewhere and giving themselves a deserved shout-out, and I found I sometimes avoided them.  I don't want people to avoid me...  Now that I've lost some weight and working towards regaining a healthier lifestyle, I feel some guilt over what I've actually accomplished and I'm afraid if I share about it, I'll turn off the jealous types, and also sets myself up for what people will think if I fall off the bandwagon (like I always have) and gain it all back again.  And as one who has struggled with the control issues of an eating disorder time and again, I also fear people will judge me with an assumption that it is my current reality and diet plan, which for once it isn't.

Then there's the odd reality that over a six month period, less than a handful of people have actually commented or mentioned my weight loss in a face to face conversation.  I've lost around thirty pounds, and while I'm sure I do talk about it in my general conversations, I have tried really hard to remain as quiet about it all as I can.  But apparently either no one who notices cares enough to say anything, or no one who cares has noticed any change.  Odd.  It does make me stop and wonder, what areas in my life amid interactions with others am I missing opportunities for praise, growth, and confidence building into those around me?

Are we as a society not "seeing" - or are we just no longer "affirming"?

Yup, the crazy in my brain is always a little wacka-do-dah... So beyond all these silly mind games I play with myself, I decided I will give an update and hope for the best.   I've been working really hard for quite a while, and while I don't want to "toot my own horn" and spotlight myself, I do want to document these challenging steps in my journey.

In case you're new to this part of my journey, click HERE.  Basically, I have battled my weight all my life, I'm not naturally skinny or athletic.  I rollercoaster up and down, year after year.  Back in the fall I was finally prompted into action about the weight I had gained over the summer.  My body had finally reached a point of healing about 18 months after I had delivered Faith.  I had spent my entire pregnancy with her sick, not just a morning sickness sick, but an overall full body sickness as my body bled and carried a tiny baby that was also filled with the sickness and the genetic disease, Trisomy 18.

After her birth and funeral I very quickly, without having to do anything, lost a rather large amount of weight, and was able to fairly naturally maintain that weight over the next 18 months without having to be overly careful what I ate or how much I exercised.  For a person who has spent her entire life struggling with her weight, it was really nice, even though the reality of all the emotional, spiritual, and physical healing I was dealing with left me overly unconcerned about my weight.  I'm left grateful, as I'm sure I could have very easily packed on an impressive amount of weight during that hard season.

Fast forward to last summer, our second full summer at the lake in a permanent spot, and once June hit I slowly noticed the weight coming back on.  By the end of September I was faced with the very real reality that none of my pants fit and I had nothing to wear for winter. Not just an "oh my pants are tight"... but a "I can't even get them up / on / zipped..."  I fought it, but did finally start on the all-too-familiar journey of weight loss, yet again.

It was very slow going for a long time.  I went to my tried-and-true go to diet of counting fat grams and eating very low fat food every day.  Despite my diligence, the weight did not budge.  I started doctoring for the pain and bunions on my feet.  I slowly got back on the treadmill again.  And I decided to try something new to me, I started counting weight watcher points.

It was all new and a little hard to get the hang of initially, but after a while I did start to see some small successes.  It was slow, as it is designed to be.  I don't do slow well.  As I stated earlier, I am a tried and true eating disorder food controller, which I did not want to have take over this time and tried to remain very conscious of.  It has been a battle, I won't lie, but I can honestly say this time I am really doing the work and putting in the time to correctly lose the weight and get my body back in shape.  No starvation in hopes of instant success.  No obsessive exercise regime.  No expensive fad specific food, shakes, or drinks (although my grocery budget did increase due to buying fruits, veggies, healthy, and organic foods...) Just logging points, points, and more points and 5-6 days of getting myself on my treadmill for 2-3 miles a day.

The whole thing has been difficult for me, and doing it "correctly" has taken so much longer than it ever has in the past.  But after nearly six months, I have recently met the goal weight that I set for myself.  It's a higher weight than the golden number of unattainable perfection I have carried with me in my mind for the last 30 years, but I'm hoping that might also help me somehow be able to maintain it longer than a few short weeks once I reached my goal weight.  And I'm not going to lie, it feels great to feel great again.  It feels amazing to slip on jeans I haven't worn in over 5 years, to go shopping for a select few new items to add to my wardrobe, items that are new and in the correct size.  I am not much of a fashion driven person, but I will tell you this- there is quite honestly nothing better than the feel of high-end expensive designer jeans, in a size and length that fits you.  Mmmmm that was a recent gift and revelation after a shopping stop at a Maurice's with a gift card from my husband.  I own a ton of jeans, they've all come from thrift stores and most don't really fit and aren't true designer denim, but I splurged and bought myself a pair that day.  Oh mylanta! Now that is sweet treat!

But I also won't lie... Every time I look at them and think about them, I can't help but wonder how long it will be before I can't get them on any more and they will become part of the growing stack of unwearable jeans in the top of my closet...

I have just recently arrived at this number on my scale, so now I'm trying to figure out and navigate the ever elusive "maintaining" aspect of weight loss that I have never ever been able to even remotely conquer in the past. Now I have changed my goal to maintaining it through the entire 2017 year.  And I will plan to log updates as I go - both to hold me accountable, and hopefully to encourage you to keep going yourself.

Maybe it's not weight that you're needing to journey to and through... but we all have something hard in front of us, and around us, that we know we need to persevere through and diligently remain conscious of in hopes of bettering our tomorrows.  Find a friend, find an accountability partner, don't feel you need to go it alone.

Don't keep putting it off, just dive in and breathe deep and take that first step.  You can never get to the second, third, and fourth steps until you take that very first one.  Just do it and get it over with, it will be hard, but it will start the forward momentum you need.  I promise, it will.  Starting is always the hardest.  And then when you reach the middle, hit the plateau, hit the roadblock that wants to make you quit...  push through.  Do the next right thing, just keep doing the next right thing.  (Just eat the carrots instead of the box of chocolates, trust me on this.)

Don't keep putting off to tomorrow what you can actually start today.  You've got this my friend, you've got this.  I believe in you and I know you have the power to believe in you.  Set the goal (make it small!), take the first step, hang on to your support system, and know it's going to be a long journey... But when the journey is long, it is always worth it, because God is always there, woven into each detail of each new day and each new step forward.  He is most visible and close during the darkest, hardest parts of our journeys.  He believes in you and knows your success is just within reach, it just needs a little hard work and your commitment to just keep doing that next right thing...

And just a little side note hint... often the next right thing, is really the next really hard thing, so if in doubt ~ just pick the thing that's hard, the thing you're avoiding, the "I can't even...!..." thing, and it's pretty sure a sure-fire winner in your journey towards success!

{ next Journey of Weight post HERE }

Coffee Mugs and Hoodies

I have a small love of coffee mugs and hoodies.

Just typing these words make me smile.  My husband does NOT get this relationship, but it's one of those things that just fill me with a great warmth and peace.

I don't a have a huge overflow of coffee mugs, but I do have several favorites, and most of them are housed at work.  Work is where I drink the majority of my coffee, and there is honestly something almost magical about drinking great coffee, at work (which happens to also be at church), from a mug that you have a special emotional attachment to.

Most of the time my go-to mug is one that looks like a camera lens, with the added bonus of a secure screw on lid.  I got this as a Christmas gift from my brother and sister-in-law and I loved it so much that I ordered myself a second one so I could have one for work and one for home.  In the summer one of them will get to enjoy the season at the lake nestled comfortably in my hands watching the sun rise and set through the cool spring, the hot summer, and back through the cool of fall.

Since I do work at church, I also have my go-to Sunday mugs.  One is Christmas themed and personalized with photos of my boys on it (yes, I designed and ordered it for myself) or the church logo-ed one that has my name in large letters label-makered across the bottom, which doesn't fit under the staff keurig, but fits perfectly under the pour spouts from the giant cafe carafes on Sunday mornings ;-)  And we all know Sunday's call for an extra large cup of coffee (or two or three or four...)!  I may have a tendency of setting down those mugs throughout the chaos of the morning and not find them back.  And yet, both those mugs always seem to find their way back to my desk by the following morning :-)  I have my Turkey Run covered bridge mug, for the days I need a special pick-me-up, there's the extra large mug from my friend for light-hearted days, there's the mug from the Belong conference for the heavy days...

The same thing happens with the various hoodies in my closet.  Oh how I love to get a new hoodie when we are on vacation or at someplace fun or special to me.

It's not really about the article of clothing itself, or about the liquid inside the mug, it's about the emotional attachment and feeling evoked within as I fondly recall the special moments and memories of those near and dear places and adventures. They are my security blanket to my past perhaps.

I pull on a destination specific hoodie and nestle my hands warmly inside, or I fill and hold that steaming logo-ed cup in my hands, and I'm taken back to a place and time when God was good, life was slower, memories were made, soul care soared... They fill me with a glow, a hope, a quietness, a richness, a specialness... honestly, those hoodies and coffee mugs simply bring me joy.  They warm my soul from both the inside and outside.

I realize my husband will never quite grasp this concept and connection, as he looks at me annoyed and confused when I stand in a gift shop ohh'ing and ahh'ing and mulling over which coffee mug or hoodie I've currently fallen in love with.  He will assure me I already have enough of both and there is no need or justification in buying either.  I will of course know he's right, and be secretly disappointed... and then try I find a way to sneak back and still smuggle one home. :-)

I don't buy just any coffee mug or hoodie... but the ones I do have are just a special part of a physical link to an emotion interlaced with a special moment from my past, helping me get through today, into the hopes and dreams of my awaiting tomorrows.

{ next blog post "Words On Weight" click HERE }
( previous blog post "Ready to Welcome 2017" click HERE }

Ready to Welcome 2017

Here it is, New Year's Eve, and I have almost survived another Holiday season!  There were moments I didn't think I'd make it through, but the end is in sight!

I am not a natural extrovert.  People and noise and chaos do not fill me.  Quiet and alone fill me.  My family and my job are huge blessings to me, but it does take a lot from me to get through some of the daily grinds of basic family holiday gatherings and weekly worship services.  And lumped together for weeks and days in a row with little down time, and my inner introvert-ness is crying to be alone for a while.

I look back over all the parties, gatherings, festivities and worship services I've been a part of throughout this season and I can't help but smile at all the wonderful interactions and meaningful things that occurred.  It's been a full and rich season of God's blessing and goodness, and I'm left feeling humble and overly appreciative.

My husband totally rocked it this year and completely blew me away with the gifts and love he showered upon me.  He gave of his time and talent and gave me the gift of a fireplace, custom builtin around it, and installed an entire barnwood wall around it.  Something he created and gave me, within our own home, which we can enjoy as a family and allow me to relax and be filled.

Long ago I resolved to stop making resolutions.  It just sets me up for personal failure and disappointment, and it was always the same things on the list every year.  And then a few years ago, I met a new friend who told me that every year she has a word or theme for that year, and she has encouraged me to listen for mine every year since.

Now I'm looking into the start of another new year, wondering what God all has in store for me and for my family.  I've been thinking and trying to listen to the word or theme God wants me to have for 2017.

2015 my word was TRUST.  2015 was a tough, tough year and we just needed to hang on and TRUST God's plan and timing.   2016 was HEALING.  While 2016 wasn't horrible, it was still a fairly tough year for me, and I felt the overall theme as the months continued, was I just needed to intentionally continue to HEAL ~ physically, mentally, spiritually.

As I mentioned in my previous post, the quiet theme scooting through my mind over and over the past several weeks has been "stop caring & stop sharing" - which I realize is a bit harsh and a bit extreme. I just sense that I need work on not getting so emotionally wrapped up in my own inner drama and to stop sharing about what I tend to get all worked up about.

As I was showering this morning thinking about it all, the word LESS became my clear word for 2017.

In 2017 I want to do less.  I am already very careful about what I take on, agree to, volunteer for, etc - but I still feel like I live at a very hectic pace.  I want to commit to do less, without guilt, so I have time to relax more, read more, scrapbook more, spend time in silence and reflection more.  Less crazy, less chaos, less expectations.

I want to spend less.  I already try to spend as little as possible, but I will be the first to admit we have gotten into a very bad habit of overspending.  No, I'm not going to cut cable and cut my grocery budget in half tomorrow, but I do need to be conscious of what I'm shelling out money for.

I want to have less.  I struggle with "stuff" - all those things we have that fill our house, our lives, our drawers, cupboards, shelves, closets, etc.  I always threaten to go all extreme and get rid of half of the things in our house.  While I don't see that happening, I do hope to consciously lessen all that which isn't "necessary" inside the walls of my home and life.

I want to weigh less.  I am already well on my way to a new and healthier me, but I'm not quite there yet.  I want to not just continue on and reach a healthier weight, but I want to stay living healthier through thee entire twelve months of 2017.  I have a horrible track record of not keeping the weight off, eating well, and exercising consistently once I have met my goal.  Someone I know has set a 1000 mile walk/run goal for 2017.  I love this idea ~ it's honestly very achievable, and I'm fairly certain I will steal her same goal. :-)  I also think 2017 just might be the year I finally decide to tackle running a half marathon.

I want to talk less.  I realize this is a bit of an odd thing maybe, but I know I'm a talker and it's very easy for me to be open about what I'm thinking and feeling.  This isn't a bad thing overall, but often I get sucked into drama and grumpy negativity.  I just want to be conscious of what I'm saying and sharing.  I want to complain less, be less negative in my thoughts and comments, and overall just listen better.

So that's my word and my initial thoughts as I'm getting ready to say farewell to 2016 and warmly greet 2017.  I'm hoping as I start consciously doing and becoming LESS that it will continue to spill into even more areas of my life than the five I specifically listed above.

{ next blog post }

The Christmas Goodie Making Mess

I tend to run a tight ship in my kitchen.  My kitchen is not immune to extreme mess by any means, but it's my mess.  And I am fairly controlled and competent with my sprinkles.

Tonight is the yearly "Christmas goodie" making night with my youngest.   I had hoped my teenager and girlfriend would have come home, but there wasn't even a reply to the text inviting them.

We got out the candies, crackers, double broiler and almond barks, turned on the ovens and began all our creations.  And it is crazy hard for me not to micro-manage, to not take over and do it myself, to not nitpick and get a little grumpy, to not expect "perfect".

I hate that about myself.  I long to be able to honestly just sit back, relax, and completely enjoy the moment, no matter what the agenda, no matter what the mess.  But I can't...  whether in my kitchen, in my living room, at my desk at work, even driving in my car.

It's what makes me be my very best, and it makes me my very worst, all at the same time.

This season I have been very aware of the little narrative in my mind telling me to just "not care" and "not share"... I've mentioned this to a few people who have given me the odd look.  It's not "not caring" across the board - it's just not getting emotionally attached to the extreme feelings and thoughts always running out-of-control within me.  I try and not "numb" in life, I try and just "feel and deal" day by day - all there, all in, all the time.  It's an exhausting daily grind most days and I'm pretty sure I am a prime candidate for drug and alcohol abuse as I can totally see why people start - just wanting to dull that extreme inside, hide the hard.  I watch Intervention, and I get it - oh I totally get it.

But I am beyond grateful God has continued to shield me from all that, as I've chosen to just continuing to navigate my life's full reality head on with all 100% of me.  While this might sometimes feel a bit of a curse, I am fully aware of the overwhelming blessing in this.  He is fully present next to me in my mess, holding my hand and just encouraging me to take a deep breath and continue forward.

And with that thought of overwhelming blessing filling my soul and spreading its smile, I look on at the disarray of scattered sprinkles and flour from baseboard to ceiling... and I will choose to leave the mess just a little longer.  I'll resist the urge to meticulously clean up as we go and instead live in the mess of the moment while it lasts, allowing the the carefree joy of my eight year old baker-in-the-making to continue his joyful creativity without the crushing expectation of his mother's "perfection complex."  I will choose to be fully present in his mess and encourage him to continue forward as well.

{ next blog post }

Christmas Is Not About Me

Christmas is next week, and I am feeling a bit "bah-humbug" about it all.  A lot bit "bah-humbug" if I'm completely honest.

I am not a fan of Christmas.  Once upon a time I'm sure I was.  I have endless magical memories of Christmas grandeur from my childhood.

And then I grew up, and life turned out being so much harder than I had ever imagined, and every looming year marks another milestone of a wish, hope, dream not yet met... and somehow I've turned into one of those tired people who actually full on dread the holidays.

I'm the one who bakes everything, buys everything, brings everything, juggles everything, wraps everything, orders, stuffs, addresses, seals, mails all the cards, sends and replies to the millions of texts and emails trying to obtain and give the perfect and complete wish lists along with the organization of all the said food and party details of that stated earlier... so that everyone in my family can just put on their coats, get in the car, and "arrive and enjoy" their big day ~ which ends up lasting for an entire week or longer as we bounce from one celebration to the next, and then all needs to be unpacked and put away when we get home.  Throw in blended families on multiple sides, an adopted child, the empty space of a child lost too soon, all topped with a thick layer of the mom-guilt of someone who deep inside honestly knows she's just feeling sorry for herself and really just wants someone in her house to remember to go shopping for something meaningful, thoughtful, and special for her...

And well... yeah, the holidays are just hard.

I honestly have the best of intentions every year to intentionally stay slow... to do less, care less, spend less... and then somehow Halloween passes, the calendar flips to November and the crazy just seems obliviously inevitable.

I've been walking around at war with myself for days about all this, and it finally spilled out all over in the form or tears this morning at work.

I'm tired and not sleeping well, I'm stressed, I'm attempting (and failing miserably) at dieting ~ even through I am diligently doing what I'm supposed to in the eating and exercising avenue... apparently stress, age, and hormones still have the upper hand within my stubborn body.  I'm finding it harder and harder to get up every morning and face the day, poised to make the right health decisions when there is no fruit from my labor.  My stamina and hope is fading quickly....

And now the calendar says that Christmas is next week.  Next week.  My pulse quickens and my emotions rise.  I try and take a deep breath and tell myself to just "not care..."  Take a step back and remove myself emotionally from the reality at hand.  Put up the wall. Remain numb. Sustain survival mode.

But I am one of those Type A, obsessively organized, planner people, and remaining emotionally unattached does not come easy for me.  Hence, I'm walking around all "bah-humbug-y" and have piled on a good 'ol heap of stressed out self-pity.

But Christmas is not about me.  Deep inside, I know this.  It's what eating away at my soul right now.  Christmas is NOT about ME.

Christmas is about grandparents going to the church Christmas Programs.  It's about parents having their children and grandchildren all home under one roof, celebrating together, despite the chaos.  It's about inviting friends and neighbors to worship on Christmas Eve, opening the doors of the church and welcoming one and all.  It's about creating the childhood magic and grandeur for my own children within our home.  It's about seeing the unseen, hearing the unheard, loving the unloved.  It's about breathing deep, honoring tradition, gracefully packing away our life's disappointments for a small season, loving family unconditionally (despite the quirks), and putting others first.

And at the very intimate core of all of this, it's ultimately about the tiny baby born in Bethlehem, who would die on a cross thirty-three years later, in order that I would be able to live and be saved over two-thousand years later.  That is the true magic and wonder of Christmas, the true gift and ultimate giving.  That is the perfect picture of sacrifice, of setting aside self and giving completely.

It's about the giving. It's not about the getting.

My heart is heavy as I think about how this simple fact, this indescribable act, has gotten so commercialized and self personalized, both in my life and in society at large.  It is my prayer that the unattainable expectations and unrealistic hopes of this Christmas do not overshadow the greater sunshine and shining eastern star announcing the arrival of the One who will one day set us free from all our discontent.

May the true message and reality that Christmas is NOT about ME softly settle deep within my self-pity filled soul, and may all our hearts be filled with the magical childlike awe and wonder over the Child of God this Christmas.

{ next blog post }

My Words Do Not Matter

I’ve been staring at this blank page for days. So much to say, and yet nothing. So many emotions and feels right now, and yet… nothing.

The nation elected a president last week and we’re having big conversations in our little home made up of multiracial heritages. As if the adoption struggle of grief, loss and attachment at the core family level isn’t hard enough, we now add the confusion of identity and place within a society and a county where our beautifully tan skinned son is a legal citizen of. I’m also caught up battling and sharing about my weight and my treadmill, on a blog dedicated to sharing about the love and loss of a tiny baby who’s eyes only saw Jesus when they first opened.

And I’m left felling like my words do not matter, and my story is irrelevant.

But that’s actually not true. That’s what is being whispered in my ear. But the pulse within my heart beats something entirely different. God gave me this life, this story, this journey for a reason. And I had decided to share that, in hopes to merely love others well, to share my pain, my shortcomings, my losses and my overcoming victories within a realness that gently tells others they are not alone, they are seen, and their story also matters.

Ultimately, I just want my life to somehow paint God’s light into the darkness.

As I have stumbled along in my journey I have dealt with eating disorders, perfection complexes, divorce, miscarriage, blended home, career changes, infertility, adoption, stillborn loss, and more disappointments than I could have imagined. And yet, through all of those rungs on this ladder of my life, the Lord has continued to be the one at the bottom holding it steady against the wall of His goodness. I’m doing the climbing – one foot slowly in front of the other – but He continues to wake me up each morning for a reason and provide me the next rung. I reach one hand as high above as I can, trying to grab on to the “what’s next,” forcing one hand to always have to hang on through the entire season of that current rung. I continue upward on onward, sometimes wishing it would go faster, sometimes wishing to stay put just a little longer. Always willing myself to trust the lesson and blessing of each season, whether it's visible or felt within that moment or not.

One hand always reaching, one hand always clinging to that which supports me.

The change and shift are always occurring. The growth and risk and are always being presented to me. I know my foundation is firm beneath me as I blindly navigate the unknown beyond me, the next season of my continued journey always on its way.

And my words do matter and my story is relevant, and I need to stop letting society or satan or whoever, tell me otherwise.  I was created for a reason, you were created for a reason.  Our lives and our stories are meant to meet and weave and create vibrance and beauty in this tapestry of life.  So live it - and share it - but most importantly, love it well.

Love yourself... love others... love the journey well...

{ next blog post }

The Mountain Still Before Me

It's been a while since I've posted.  Partially because I've been busy, mostly because I have been in a overall state of frustration and bitterness, and for me that's not a great place to write from.  So my fingers have remained quiet.

I was eating healthy.  I was exercising.  I was choosing the salad, the fruit, the veggies, the low fat - not just some of the time, not just most of the time, but EVERY single time, every single day.  And when I would weigh in - nothing.  And then I'd even gained.  And I was struck with that frustrated "So why am I doing this then anyway??"  If I'm choosing and doing all the right stuff and it's not making any difference, then why do it??  Eat the damn chocolate and be done with it.

I simmered in frustration and bitterness for quite a while.  I'm still kinda there, if I'm honest.  I quit exercising.  I quit weighing in.  I quit being so careful what I ate.

My friend came over and I told her I'd quit.  She told me she'd joined Weight Watchers. (This is exactly why you need a friend to hold your hand during all this - she isn't going to let me quit.)

Well, I had promised myself that I would not pay money to lose weight (beyond the higher cost of purchasing healthier food at the store).  No gym membership (I own a treadmill for cry'n out loud - just get on it!).  No fad plan membership or special food / pills / shakes / supplements.  No magic pink drink Fridays.  Hey, I'm not saying anything personal against any of those businesses, I just personally do not have the cash in my wallet to be able to even consider it.

My friend has done Weight Watchers in the past.  It's her go-to, it's what she does, and has worked for her before.  I've done "low fat" and I've done Medifast in the past that have worked for me.  The "low fat" was obviously not currently working.  I eyed the dusty box of left over Medifast meals every time I got in my van in the garage.

I went to the chiropractor and started working on the pain in my feet and back and knee.  I got back on the treadmill.  There is no half-marathon in my near future, but there is a continual nudge to want to tackle that bucket list item once-and-for-all.

I finally caved and started the Medifast meals.  I'd forgotten how horrible it all tasted.  I'd forgotten how much I missed dairy and fruit.  I did some online reading on Weight Watchers.  They meet on Wednesday nights - I work on Wednesday nights, and I'm not even sure if they meet in the town I live.  Their membership fees aren't even in my realm of being able to consider.  Their points system intrigued me though.  Something different, but possibly something doable.  It looked complexly easy.

So here's where I currently stand.  I'm using up my old Medifast meals (from four years ago) and I've ordered a set of basic PointsPlus Weight Watchers books off eBay that have a basic list all the foods and points.  When they arrive, I will take a closer look and perhaps give it a try (on my own, not via a full membership... I'm not sure if that's something a person is supposed to publicly admit to or not, but I just did ~ please don't hunt me down Weight Watchers police!)

In the meantime, I did force myself to weigh today.  By gosh by golly, I was down 2.4 pounds.  I'm still frustrated, I'm not pleased with how I'm doing or how it's going, and I'm discouraged. But even the smallest of negative number is better than a plus number on that scale.

Today's small victory in the face of the mountain still before me.

{ next weight journey update HERE }

{ next blog post }