Tonight is the yearly "Christmas goodie" making night with my youngest. I had hoped my teenager and girlfriend would have come home, but there wasn't even a reply to the text inviting them.
We got out the candies, crackers, double broiler and almond barks, turned on the ovens and began all our creations. And it is crazy hard for me not to micro-manage, to not take over and do it myself, to not nitpick and get a little grumpy, to not expect "perfect".
I hate that about myself. I long to be able to honestly just sit back, relax, and completely enjoy the moment, no matter what the agenda, no matter what the mess. But I can't... whether in my kitchen, in my living room, at my desk at work, even driving in my car.
It's what makes me be my very best, and it makes me my very worst, all at the same time.
This season I have been very aware of the little narrative in my mind telling me to just "not care" and "not share"... I've mentioned this to a few people who have given me the odd look. It's not "not caring" across the board - it's just not getting emotionally attached to the extreme feelings and thoughts always running out-of-control within me. I try and not "numb" in life, I try and just "feel and deal" day by day - all there, all in, all the time. It's an exhausting daily grind most days and I'm pretty sure I am a prime candidate for drug and alcohol abuse as I can totally see why people start - just wanting to dull that extreme inside, hide the hard. I watch Intervention, and I get it - oh I totally get it.
But I am beyond grateful God has continued to shield me from all that, as I've chosen to just continuing to navigate my life's full reality head on with all 100% of me. While this might sometimes feel a bit of a curse, I am fully aware of the overwhelming blessing in this. He is fully present next to me in my mess, holding my hand and just encouraging me to take a deep breath and continue forward.
And with that thought of overwhelming blessing filling my soul and spreading its smile, I look on at the disarray of scattered sprinkles and flour from baseboard to ceiling... and I will choose to leave the mess just a little longer. I'll resist the urge to meticulously clean up as we go and instead live in the mess of the moment while it lasts, allowing the the carefree joy of my eight year old baker-in-the-making to continue his joyful creativity without the crushing expectation of his mother's "perfection complex." I will choose to be fully present in his mess and encourage him to continue forward as well.
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But I am beyond grateful God has continued to shield me from all that, as I've chosen to just continuing to navigate my life's full reality head on with all 100% of me. While this might sometimes feel a bit of a curse, I am fully aware of the overwhelming blessing in this. He is fully present next to me in my mess, holding my hand and just encouraging me to take a deep breath and continue forward.
And with that thought of overwhelming blessing filling my soul and spreading its smile, I look on at the disarray of scattered sprinkles and flour from baseboard to ceiling... and I will choose to leave the mess just a little longer. I'll resist the urge to meticulously clean up as we go and instead live in the mess of the moment while it lasts, allowing the the carefree joy of my eight year old baker-in-the-making to continue his joyful creativity without the crushing expectation of his mother's "perfection complex." I will choose to be fully present in his mess and encourage him to continue forward as well.
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