Goodwill Treasures She Pondered In Her Heart

So I sat in bed typing away on Saturday morning... yet another ohh woe-is-me bah humbug holiday post.  It's been such a struggle for me ... year after year it seems.  Year after year I have continued to stay stuck on this little fact of wanting to be seen, wanting to be recognized and thanked, wanting to be showered upon with grand lavish gifts over the holidays, you know... like what I do for everyone else {wink}.

I am definitely bent on that selfish heart, it's roots trickling deep within the depth of my heart and soul.  And I honestly don't like, I don't like myself for being this way.

I've been wrestling with it, I've been praying about it, I've been just trying to be real, authentic, and aware of my shortcomings and realities.  And then on Saturday I hit post on my last blog, I closed my laptop, and got out of bed.

I opened the door and looked at Isaiah and told him to get ready, we had some errands to run.  I showered, got ready, and we headed out... to the nearest Goodwill.

Money is tight for us right now.  We went to Disney, we adopted a new dog, we have medical bills and grocery bills and an electric bill with a hefty new tax increase on it that I hadn't budgeted for.  (And obviously if we could do Disney and a dog, we don't honestly know the true concept of dealing with a "tight budget" ... I know, I know...)

But I wanted this to be about the giving, not about the money.  So, yes it was Goodwill bound we ventured.

We got a cart (one with a malfunctioning front left tire of course) and we started talking about who we all needed to shop for and we walked up and down the isles... up and down the isles.  We got some ideas, we found a few things, we continued to shop and talk about the people we were shopping for ... what they liked, what they needed, what things could we look for for them.  And then as we were looking through the movies, my son came across a dvd he had just had me on amazon looking up the night before.  A disc holding an entire season of MythBusters episodes.

I looked at him and I looked at the disc, and I decided to say yes instead of no.  I didn't say, no we are shopping for other people, not ourselves...  ok maybe I did, but then I decided he was old enough to have the conversation about sometimes the people who are giving gifts have to sometimes buy their own gifts and carry out the fine art of "surprise."  We talked about what it might look like if he unwrapped a gift that he knew he wanted, and he knew what it was, but not to let everyone else at the party know that.  Sometimes givers just have to give a little something to themselves.  I watched the sparkle dancing in his eyes during the entire conversation and I found my heart filling with an unexpected joy.

He then decided maybe we should also go and look for a "surprise" gift for me as well.  We selected a shirt and a pair of boots and I winked and promised I would never let anyone know that I knew.  These gifts for the the two of us would be our own little "givers secrets."

We pushed a cart full of treasures to the checkout and $52.00 later we walked out with three large bags of gifts and smiles on our faces.  We got home and immediately went to work wrapping.  We wrapped for hours, with rolls and rolls of tape.  He cut, he wrote the tags, I simply guided and held the paper while he tore his foot long strips of tape. :-)  We put some curling ribbons on and I got to show him how to curl the ribbon ends with a scissors.  He was so pleased and so excited.  He was going to be giving each and every one of these gifts from "Secret Santa" - he didn't want anyone to know they were actually from him.

He got a large box from the garage recycling and got all the wrapped gifts organized and all ready for Christmas Day.  He absolutely loved the fact that he was part of something large, something special, something magical.

Somewhere during these precious hours, my heart transformed a little ... maybe even a lot.  For the first time, I stopped feeling bitter about the fact that no one was going shopping for me.  No one was plotting and planning how to make something special and magical for me (which isn't even true, but was merely a lie satan whispers over and over in my ear).  I wasn't sitting back harboring animosity towards my husband who I felt wasn't modeling to our son the gift of giving.

I thought about love languages, and how I know that is not one of my dear husbands gifts, but it is one of mine, and probably one of my sons.  I began turning the tables in my mind.  There is no reason that I need to continue to be the selfish one waiting for someone else to show and model giving on my behalf and for my personal benefit, when there is no reason why I can't be the one to hold hands and do the modeling myself.

And you know, like I had quietly whispered to my son earlier that morning at the Goodwill, sometimes the givers have to just get their own gifts and practice the fine art of surprise.  Which is another thing I did this year.  I bought all of my own gifts and put them in the closet for my husband to wrap.  I originally did this grudgingly, but had decided early on that if I didn't buy a few gifts for myself, I knew I wouldn't probably be opening anything at all on Christmas morning with my family, while they opened box after box that I had purchased and wrapped... all laced with a thick dose of my selfishness and ill will.

So this year I had six gifts that I got to open... four of which that I had picked out, picked up, paid for, and brought home all for myself.  I really really wanted a new treadmill, but I knew that big ticket item wasn't an option for me to purchase for myself.  But.. a quick trip to Maurice's for a sweatshirt, a pair of fancy sparkle pants, and new silver sparkle chucks (converse shoes) would do just fine.  {wink}

For the longest time I carried this grumpy bitterness about having to buy my own gifts.  I shouldn't have to, I should be special enough, worth enough, done enough for everyone else to have deserved to be treated and surprised.  But when your love language is not gift giving... well, no matter how worked up or angry or bitter or black and white I make the issue - it was not going to go away.  It's a reality of our marriage, and simply who we are. I can embrace and figure out how to love that, or I can continue on stomping around year after year in my disappointment and frustration.

I had to chuckle a little to myself as I thought back to my childhood, and how somehow my mom ALWAYS was able to guess what she was getting for Christmas on Christmas morning when we were handing out gifts and opening them together.  "Is it... Visions Cookwear?!?"   WHAT!?! I clearly remember wondering how in the world could she have possible guessed there was Visions Cookwear in that wrapped box, and as the paper was torn away... sure enough - an entire set of brown glass Visions Cookwear for my mom!  Now as a mom, I fully realize she probably was doing the exact same thing - buying herself the gifts she wanted and practicing that fine art of "surprise."

This year I put on lots of "surprise" and was blown away at just how wonderful my family was in their gift giving selections this year.  Everything fit perfect and was exactly what I was wanting!! {wink}.  And I got to watch the sparkle dancing in my little ones eyes as he held a small wrapped package containing that much wanted Mythbusters seasonal dvd.  He could hardly contain himself as he started unwrapping "It's exactly what I wanted!" he beamed at me and I gave him a genuine smile and little wink.

But as we enjoyed a morning of giving together, this year I found my heart utterly filled with a pure joy as I took in the real story and love of giving.  My twenty-year-old sat on the chair with his girlfriend beside him and they gave us all gifts they had carefully chosen, also on their very limited budget.  And I opened my gifts and genuinely was excited and fully joy-filled, the bitterness not there this time.

A few hours later that little boy carefully pulled out a box that somehow magically had appeared by our fireplace this morning from a "Secret Santa".  He handed out the gifts to everyone, and he went from person to person to help them open their gifts. I watched him experience the grand scale of truly giving and it filled my heart.  It changed my heart.  Giving is about giving.  Giving is not about receiving.  Giving is about a servant heart. Giving is not about a selfish heart.  

A small part of the big bitter hole in my heart was patched this weekend as I held my youngest middle child's hand and helped him process who and what it truly all means to give those who are special to him.  And as I modeled and helped him, I found myself changing my view and my expectations.  No, Christmas is not about me... Christmas is about the Christ child and Christmas is about giving.  And whether that means being honestly surprised and being personally showered upon with grand gifts, or if that means simply being the one who gets to help someone else get to be that one who gets to do the surprising and showering upon of the gifts to others, it really all comes down to the state of our hearts and the outlook of our expectations.

I have wrested with these things my entire life, and I am humbled and grateful that God has continued to burden me with these feelings so that I am forced to continue to process and work through these personal issues I have.  I'm thankful that God continues to give me the gift of grace, allowing me to improve and be aware and experience a changing heart and mind over and over again.

I will always remember this Christmas with it's Goodwill treasures given in abundance and love, and I will forever ponder them in my heart.

Previous Blog Post "Selfish Heart vs Servant Heart" HERE }

{ Next Blog Post "Journey Through The Seasons" HERE }

Selfish Heart vs Servant Heart

Earlier this week on my way home for lunch, I was struck with a clear and loud thought as I traveled from the church parking lot where I work to the corner. Interestingly, I have been struck by other transformative thoughts many times during this very same stretch of road.

I’m learning the importance to pay attention to the still voice in my head during these times on this growing sacred stretch of pavement.

This week my mind has been busy processing and mentally (and physically) writing and crossing things off my never ending to-do list. I have a long list needing to be completed at work, and an even longer one at home.

It’s that time of year of endless holiday planning and preparations. Of excessive gift buying and wrapping. Of Christmas party planning. Of holiday treats and multiple menu details to coordinate, shop for, and make. So many details. So many demands and expectations. So many behind the scenes perfections I feel I need to take care of for my family.

Right now I am spending so much of my time and energy simply trying to coordinate and keep all these millions of tiny details straight, making sure nothing is missed, nothing is forgotten, nothing is overlooked or not completed on time.

In all this excessive mayhem I’ve convinced myself I need to merely buckle down and just survive. I need to diligently keep at the tasks at hand so I can get everything crossed off the lists, completion accomplished.

On this little hamster wheel of holiday chaos, I’ve inserted so many selfish thoughts and attitudes, reminding myself over and over how much I’m doing for for everyone else, with a growing bitterness as I allow myself to wallow in all those little voices telling me none of this energy will be returned to me, because of course I deserve to be lavishly showered upon with gifts and accolades for my greatness.

Satan is busy whispering all these lies convincing me that no one else is thinking about what gifts to buy for me. No one else is offering to help me buy, and wrap, coordinate, and create a joy filled holiday. No one else is looking over at me thinking about how appreciative they are of me and all I do, how hard I work and how dedicated I am to all that I love and all whom I love. Satan has yet again this year encouraged me to hate the holidays and convince myself I am actually worth so much more than I actually am, that all of this is somehow all about me, when it actually isn’t.

Satan is busy filling my heart with his staining darkness, a blackness that seems to seep from inside out, infecting my thoughts, my words, and my attitude and actions towards all those around me. I’m allowing him to fill me with a “justified” bitterness and selfishness, an unnatural state of absolute entitlement.

All of these things I’m doing for others, is actually what I should be doing - and doing with a much more grateful servant heart. We were created to live and love others well, deeply, fully. Doing for others is what is the DNA of our existence and purpose. We were created to give, not to receive.The entrance of sin seems to have corrupted all that and is continually trying to turn our hearts to focus on our selves, our wants, our desires, our entitlement, our selfishness.

We are to live and love fully with a servant heart. We are not to live with a selfish heart.
Servant heart vs selfish heart. Extreme ends of the reality spectrum.

It was really a profound thought, a profound moment as I sat at a corner waiting for my turn to enter onto the highway. I sat stopped and waiting, a moment of absolute stillness before entering the full speed traffic of busy lanes of the highway, hurtling forward again at full speed towards my next destination, my next goal, my next thing on my list.

It’s not about me, it’s not about what I want, and what I do, and what I expect from behalf of my family. I should be filled with great joy and excitement at the opportunities to live and love on those near and dear to me during this busy season. This is an opportunity to show what they mean to me, through my giving and my acts of servanthood.

There is no reason that my heart and thoughts are so constantly filled with such negativity and selfishness.

It is this growing discomfort within, this content tension in the midst of the details. This inner battle of what I know to be true and right, and the lies I seem to allow myself to hear and believe over and over again.

I admit it, I am hardwired for drama and selfish extremes and motives. It’s a trait I have always had and battled. It is a personality trait I am in constant battle with, leaving me at war between that which brings out the best in me and that which brings out the worst in me.

I seem to live most of my life living in the reality and simmering in the lies that bring out the worst in me. I don’t want this selfish and bitter heart, I honestly want a full on giving and joy-filled servant heart.

We have such abundance and so many opportunities to display Godly love and giving right now.  And here I am harboring so much bitterness and selfishness. I’m convicted by this sour state of my soul right now. Why do I turn everything inward and allow myself to be filled with the poisons of personal ungratefulness? Why am I wired to so quickly focus on myself rather than on the gifts and opportunities of all those around me?

Heavy sigh. Heavy heart.

I admit… I think ultimately I just want to be seen, loved, appreciated, and thanked by those in my house. I want the holidays to be all about me, even when I know they aren’t. It’s an odd tension that leaves me edgy and exhausted. Why is it so hard to just turn my hands and heart outward and give it all away with a joy-filled attitude? Why is it so hard to joyfully give and celebrate everyone else that I love without having this sharp edge of selfishness always attached to it?And why is it so hard to accept the way that I am in fact already being seen, loved, appreciated and thanked? Why do I have to set these boldly colored expectations so high and so colorful?

Oh Lord, humble me, hold me, harness my utter selfishness in this season of giving and getting.  Continue to remind me and whisper to me that this isn’t about me, that it’s about You - about Your gift of salvation and the story and journey You went through over two thousand years ago, so that one day I would be able to receive that hope and grace.

Oh Lord, open my mind, thoughts, and heart to the servant heart I was created to relish and share, and continue to guard my selfish heart from sabotaging and turning this all around and try to make it all about me.

{ Previous Blog Post "My Word For 2018" HERE }
{ Next Blog Post "Goodwill Treasure She Pondered In Her Heart" HERE }

My word for 2018

The last several years I have had a theme word for the year, a word that I feel God has given me.  Given me to focus on, given me to work on, given me to help guide me through the year.

Last year my word was less.
Do less, have less, weigh less, spend less, talk less.

Yesterday, as I did my morning devotions and was reflecting over a few different conversations and thoughts I'd had the evening before, the word contentment kept quietly cycling through my mind over and over.

At one point I stopped, and wondered if contentment was perhaps the word God was giving me for 2018.

Holidays are hard for me, and I admit I'm a little bah humbug-ish during this time every year... I get so caught up in all I have to do for everyone else and feel all woe-is-me for what everyone isn't doing for me.  I thought about a little instagram meme that had caught my attention as well "There are people who would love to have your bad days."  I had hit the little heart button, and that little phrase and reality kept coming back to me all day.

Reality check.  Wake up call.  Stop feeling so darn sorry for yourself and start being joyful in all you have.  Stop focusing on all the things you have to do and start focusing on all the things you get to do, the time you get to spend with your family, the gifts and love you get to shower on those you love and adore... Christmas isn't all about me. Christmas is about the birth of the Christ child long ago, in a land far away, in a dirty barn stall.  Christmas is about the gift given to us in the form of an infant who would grow, and teach, and model, and ultimately die a painful death on our behalf to save us from our sin and stain, and allow us the gift of grace, forgiveness, and eternal salvation.

Yea, and I'm sitting here worried about gifts, and decorations, and food, and credit card bills.  Thanks satan, but sorry, not today.

As I thought over my theme and word for 2017, I started weighing in on how the year is ending.  I did a good job doing less this year. I did an ok job purging and having less. I managed to continue my health and wellness and weighing less. I'm not quite sure how I did on the talking less... but on the spending less... well, that one I have not quite fully come to grips with yet.

I also couldn't help but smile, because really, contentment (at least for me) largely plays a part in the whole avenue of less.  I'm quite certain that my 2017's "less" was the beginning legwork for what I'm going to need to be tackling in 2018 in the area of contentment.

I have always struggled with contentment.  I have always been one who has wanted more, bigger, greater, nicer, newer... I have always been one who wants what I want, when I want it, how I want it.  I have always been one who strives for perfection and isn't happy until I reach it ... which is never, because we all know perfection is ultimately unattainable here on earth.

I'm one of those go big or go home people.  One of those you either love me or you hate me, and you never quite know what to do with me or expect from me.

And all of my life I have never felt enough.

I have always battled not being enough, not having enough, and it's often left me on this hamster wheel of crazed overachievement expectations and unattainable realities.  It's left me fallen short and harder on myself (and others) than feasibly necessary.  It's a hard flux to live within quite honestly.

I need to learn to accept myself the way that I am.  I need to learn to accept my life the way that it has been granted to me.  I need to learn to accept where I am and what I am doing as what God has in His plans for me.  I need to stop being so hard on myself, and I need to stop being so hard on everyone around me.

I wonder why it is so hard for us to simply just be enough?  To just be fully present in the moment, fully accepting in the reality, fully ok with whatever the circumstances and outcome?  Why are we so hard wired for hard things? Why is our first response to over dramatize and turn it all inward?

I know I can't be alone in this inner daily battle.  I'm betting that on some level, nearly everyone struggles at least a little with all this.  There has to be others out there that as also wanting to stop and smell the roses ... but not just some of the roses, stopping life entirely for just a few moments on occasion to smell all of the roses.  I long and ache to find true happiness from within, from slowing down, from being ok with everything life is currently handing me... I long to stop trying to become enough through the endless doing of more and more and more in an attempt to be, and do, and become more and more and more.

Embrace less to be enough.  Embrace less to have enough.

Contentment ... my word ... my theme ... my hope for 2018.  I am excited to see what God all has in store for me over the next twelve and a half months.  How about I promise to keep you posted on that?!  [wink]

con·tent·ment

noun  a state of happiness and satisfaction.

1. synonyms:

   contentedness, content, satisfaction, gratification, fulfillment, happiness, pleasure, cheerfulness;  ease, comfort, well-being, peace, equanimity, serenity, tranquility { Previous Post "Bah-Humbug" HERE } {Next Blog Post "Selfish Heart vs Servant Heart" HERE }

Bah Humbug

You know what... I admit it... I'm a bit of a bah humbug when it comes to the holidays.

This fact is not something I've really hidden over the years, but I am one that has always tried to do a pretty good job of just putting on the happy face, diving in, and just getting through.

It's not that I don't want to celebrate the holidays ... because I do. I enjoy time with my family, but does it have to be so ... planned?!? I just want to somehow figure out how to fully celebrate the birth and grand mystery of the birth of Christ - without having to fall victim to the over-advertised, materialistic, ho ho ho santa clause version of holiday celebrations.

I know I have myself to blame, because just today I ventured over to the local library and ushered my nine-year-old in to sit on santa's lap and tell him what he wants for Christmas.  An iPhone 8 of all things I heard him say.  I'm assuming if he already hasn't figured out that santa isn't real, this is going to be the year of reality - cuz sorry charlie, there will not be an iPhone 8 wrapped neatly under the tree waiting for you Christmas morning.

I've struggled through this, year after year with a hopeless and overwhelmed "holiday cheer" through the lens of a divorced person, a co-parenting divorced person at that, and now married to a child of a divorced family.  I've traveled through endless holidays clutching the shirttails of miscarriage and infertility, with a spicy mix of adoption and all the micro and macro intricacies all that brings to the mix.  I've attempted to balance through the traditional uber high, absolutely unattainable, expectation of perfection lens as well. And through an exhausted mom lens, as one who has taken care of nearly all the details from dates, to cards, to cleaning, to food, to shopping, to gifts, to wrapping, to going, to coming back home, to cleaning it all up, to putting it all back away.  I've also traveled the holidays with a raging empathetic heart through the lens of dear friends who are still single as yet another Christmas looms closer and closer.  The cribs are still empty, the relationships still not begun, the reality and dreams still far from perfect, far from wished for.  It all just breaks my heart a little and leaves me emotional and physically overwhelmed.

In this house, if the holidays are to arrive, the details will basically have all had to have gone through me.

And I won't even touch on the fact that I don't think the others in this house never quite realize the giving thing should probably go both ways.  Meaning - don't forget to go shopping for mom, cuz I guarantee she's the one that has gone shopping for you all and stayed up until 1:00am wrapping them all.  But please don't let that make you actually feel bad, she merely loves you and it's what all moms do.  (What's a holiday without a thick ol layer of mom guilt, hu?)

Yes, the gifts and extravagance is a statement of love and gratitude.  Yes it is a moment for memories and merriment.  Yes it is seeded in tradition and generational family heritage.  But I can't help but continue to ask why!?!  Why do we do holidays the way we do?!?  Why all the crazy, the chaos, the credit card bills, the expectations, the excess, the calories, the overbooked schedules, the under stated true reason, the unseen, nearly forgotten story of a baby in the barn over two thousand years ago?

I don't want the advertised, high glam, super sparkly holidays portrayed on tv and social media.  I want a silent, quiet, matte finish holiday inside the walls of my house, next to the few near and dear to me.  Nothing more, nothing less.

So, every year about this time of year I find myself stomping around my house being moody and grumpy, feeling overwhelmed and overlooked.  Oh woe is me. I dislike Hallmark christmas movies.  I can't stomach listening to the radio as they feature five christmas songs sung by fifty different artists.  I battle feeling utterly selfish knowing no one in my house is shopping or thinking about my gifts, yet at the same time also feeling angst about having to shop and spend all this money to buy gifts for people that don't need anything, and I, of course, am the most un-needy of anyone.  Honestly, there is nothing on my list, on any of our lists, that we honestly and truly need.  We are really merely buying gifts simply to buy each other gifts.  And as much as I don't want to have to do it, I do enjoy the giving, and I do enjoy watching those I love receiving, and I do, in all honestly and full discloser and selfishness, also enjoy receiving.  Heck yea I love tearing the paper off a brand new pad of beautiful and bright scrapbooking paper, and fun earrings, and massage gift certificates, and...

But why?? ... I again pause and ponder this why of it all.

As I sit here evaluating all my feelings and thoughts on the inside, as I silently sit and mildly simmer in my continued frustration, as I mire through yet another year of the same ol thing, as the days on the calendar continue to cross themselves off more quickly than slowly, leaving this year's Christmas arrival really only days away any more.

The gifts are nearly all bought (thank you online shopping. If you asked for something I cannot order it online, well, then sorry but you won't be getting that said item from me)  Over half the gifts are already carefully wrapped. We're wresting through the many issues about what dates to do where and with which family.  We're fighting over who is getting to get what gift off who's list.  We are attempting to discuss menu for each gathering and assigning who needs to bring what.  Oh yes, we are in full on holiday mode ... while my husband sits by clueless on his phone on the couch in front of the tv.  While my children are off doing and playing and adding to their wish-lists.

Does no one see me over here running around like a crazy fool?!?  Does no one care that I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and I don't want to do all of this?!?

Maybe it's me, maybe it's everyone, but every year at about this time I seriously just want to throw in the towel and be done with it.  I want to curse and scream and swear I will not be lifting one figure next year.  Next year, mom is going to be MIA, mom is going to be cashing in PTO, and mom is going to be OMG don't LMK bc I am not available and I am not going to make anyone's holidays become magically delicious.  Every year I swear that this year is the last year... that next year everyone else can just  all have at it - it's all up to you, mom is checking out, will not be available, and will not even be showing up.

You clean and decorate the entire house, you set the dates, plan the menus, pass along the lists, coordinate with everyone else who has also gotten that same list, shop, purchase, pay for, hide, wrap, organize all the wrapped gifts per party, get the food, make the food, pack the car, pack the family and drive us there, load the car, unload the car, go through all old things in the house, clean, put all new things away, take down all the decorations, put them all back away, re clean the house, be sure the recycling and trash get taken to the curb on their proper days.  Now that ... that would be thee best gift ever that anyone could give me (well, next to a massage gift certificate anyways).  The simple gift of simplicity.  The gift of nothing, which really would actually be the gift of everything to me.

Why yes, I do love this idea, don't you?

Ok, so maybe all that is a bit extreme, a bit drama queen-ish, and in full reality, every year my family usually does manage to come across with at least a gift or two for me (that I'm sure if bought on Christmas eve and rarely wrapped)(and last year my hubby did rock it out of the park with a fireplace and custom surround). And I do deep down enjoy the time spent with family and watching the excitement they all carry.  But amid all of that I do find it all a little hard, a little frustrating, a little stressful, a little well... bah humbug-ish.

So my apologies if I'm a little grumpy and short tempered, my apologies if I'm a little weepy and emotional, my apologies if I'm a little quiet and disappear for a while.  I do love you, I do love the holidays (at least to a small degree) and I do love the art of giving, it's just that all the rest of it is well ... tricky.  And tricky for me is hard.

I'm doing the best I can... just like I'm sure so many others out there are doing the best they can.  I have a sneaky suspicion that there are a whole lot of us walking around with large smiles on the outside but feeling pretty similar on the inside.

Holidays are hard on many levels for many people.  Holidays are also magical on many levels for many people.  And for some, holiday are just a crazy mix of hard and magical all rolled up in one lumpy bumpy roller coaster ride of emotions, moments, and memories.

So... 'Tiz the Season one and all.  Best of luck.  Cheers. Tally Ho. Mazel Tov. Feliz Navidad.
And happy Bah Humbugging! xoxo 

{ Next Blog Post "My Word for 2018" HERE }

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