I am definitely bent on that selfish heart, it's roots trickling deep within the depth of my heart and soul. And I honestly don't like, I don't like myself for being this way.
I've been wrestling with it, I've been praying about it, I've been just trying to be real, authentic, and aware of my shortcomings and realities. And then on Saturday I hit post on my last blog, I closed my laptop, and got out of bed.
I opened the door and looked at Isaiah and told him to get ready, we had some errands to run. I showered, got ready, and we headed out... to the nearest Goodwill.
Money is tight for us right now. We went to Disney, we adopted a new dog, we have medical bills and grocery bills and an electric bill with a hefty new tax increase on it that I hadn't budgeted for. (And obviously if we could do Disney and a dog, we don't honestly know the true concept of dealing with a "tight budget" ... I know, I know...)
But I wanted this to be about the giving, not about the money. So, yes it was Goodwill bound we ventured.
We got a cart (one with a malfunctioning front left tire of course) and we started talking about who we all needed to shop for and we walked up and down the isles... up and down the isles. We got some ideas, we found a few things, we continued to shop and talk about the people we were shopping for ... what they liked, what they needed, what things could we look for for them. And then as we were looking through the movies, my son came across a dvd he had just had me on amazon looking up the night before. A disc holding an entire season of MythBusters episodes.
I looked at him and I looked at the disc, and I decided to say yes instead of no. I didn't say, no we are shopping for other people, not ourselves... ok maybe I did, but then I decided he was old enough to have the conversation about sometimes the people who are giving gifts have to sometimes buy their own gifts and carry out the fine art of "surprise." We talked about what it might look like if he unwrapped a gift that he knew he wanted, and he knew what it was, but not to let everyone else at the party know that. Sometimes givers just have to give a little something to themselves. I watched the sparkle dancing in his eyes during the entire conversation and I found my heart filling with an unexpected joy.
He then decided maybe we should also go and look for a "surprise" gift for me as well. We selected a shirt and a pair of boots and I winked and promised I would never let anyone know that I knew. These gifts for the the two of us would be our own little "givers secrets."
We pushed a cart full of treasures to the checkout and $52.00 later we walked out with three large bags of gifts and smiles on our faces. We got home and immediately went to work wrapping. We wrapped for hours, with rolls and rolls of tape. He cut, he wrote the tags, I simply guided and held the paper while he tore his foot long strips of tape. :-) We put some curling ribbons on and I got to show him how to curl the ribbon ends with a scissors. He was so pleased and so excited. He was going to be giving each and every one of these gifts from "Secret Santa" - he didn't want anyone to know they were actually from him.
He got a large box from the garage recycling and got all the wrapped gifts organized and all ready for Christmas Day. He absolutely loved the fact that he was part of something large, something special, something magical.
Somewhere during these precious hours, my heart transformed a little ... maybe even a lot. For the first time, I stopped feeling bitter about the fact that no one was going shopping for me. No one was plotting and planning how to make something special and magical for me (which isn't even true, but was merely a lie satan whispers over and over in my ear). I wasn't sitting back harboring animosity towards my husband who I felt wasn't modeling to our son the gift of giving.
I thought about love languages, and how I know that is not one of my dear husbands gifts, but it is one of mine, and probably one of my sons. I began turning the tables in my mind. There is no reason that I need to continue to be the selfish one waiting for someone else to show and model giving on my behalf and for my personal benefit, when there is no reason why I can't be the one to hold hands and do the modeling myself.
And you know, like I had quietly whispered to my son earlier that morning at the Goodwill, sometimes the givers have to just get their own gifts and practice the fine art of surprise. Which is another thing I did this year. I bought all of my own gifts and put them in the closet for my husband to wrap. I originally did this grudgingly, but had decided early on that if I didn't buy a few gifts for myself, I knew I wouldn't probably be opening anything at all on Christmas morning with my family, while they opened box after box that I had purchased and wrapped... all laced with a thick dose of my selfishness and ill will.
So this year I had six gifts that I got to open... four of which that I had picked out, picked up, paid for, and brought home all for myself. I really really wanted a new treadmill, but I knew that big ticket item wasn't an option for me to purchase for myself. But.. a quick trip to Maurice's for a sweatshirt, a pair of fancy sparkle pants, and new silver sparkle chucks (converse shoes) would do just fine. {wink}
For the longest time I carried this grumpy bitterness about having to buy my own gifts. I shouldn't have to, I should be special enough, worth enough, done enough for everyone else to have deserved to be treated and surprised. But when your love language is not gift giving... well, no matter how worked up or angry or bitter or black and white I make the issue - it was not going to go away. It's a reality of our marriage, and simply who we are. I can embrace and figure out how to love that, or I can continue on stomping around year after year in my disappointment and frustration.
I had to chuckle a little to myself as I thought back to my childhood, and how somehow my mom ALWAYS was able to guess what she was getting for Christmas on Christmas morning when we were handing out gifts and opening them together. "Is it... Visions Cookwear?!?" WHAT!?! I clearly remember wondering how in the world could she have possible guessed there was Visions Cookwear in that wrapped box, and as the paper was torn away... sure enough - an entire set of brown glass Visions Cookwear for my mom! Now as a mom, I fully realize she probably was doing the exact same thing - buying herself the gifts she wanted and practicing that fine art of "surprise."
This year I put on lots of "surprise" and was blown away at just how wonderful my family was in their gift giving selections this year. Everything fit perfect and was exactly what I was wanting!! {wink}. And I got to watch the sparkle dancing in my little ones eyes as he held a small wrapped package containing that much wanted Mythbusters seasonal dvd. He could hardly contain himself as he started unwrapping "It's exactly what I wanted!" he beamed at me and I gave him a genuine smile and little wink.
But as we enjoyed a morning of giving together, this year I found my heart utterly filled with a pure joy as I took in the real story and love of giving. My twenty-year-old sat on the chair with his girlfriend beside him and they gave us all gifts they had carefully chosen, also on their very limited budget. And I opened my gifts and genuinely was excited and fully joy-filled, the bitterness not there this time.
A few hours later that little boy carefully pulled out a box that somehow magically had appeared by our fireplace this morning from a "Secret Santa". He handed out the gifts to everyone, and he went from person to person to help them open their gifts. I watched him experience the grand scale of truly giving and it filled my heart. It changed my heart. Giving is about giving. Giving is not about receiving. Giving is about a servant heart. Giving is not about a selfish heart.
A small part of the big bitter hole in my heart was patched this weekend as I held my youngest middle child's hand and helped him process who and what it truly all means to give those who are special to him. And as I modeled and helped him, I found myself changing my view and my expectations. No, Christmas is not about me... Christmas is about the Christ child and Christmas is about giving. And whether that means being honestly surprised and being personally showered upon with grand gifts, or if that means simply being the one who gets to help someone else get to be that one who gets to do the surprising and showering upon of the gifts to others, it really all comes down to the state of our hearts and the outlook of our expectations.
I have wrested with these things my entire life, and I am humbled and grateful that God has continued to burden me with these feelings so that I am forced to continue to process and work through these personal issues I have. I'm thankful that God continues to give me the gift of grace, allowing me to improve and be aware and experience a changing heart and mind over and over again.
I will always remember this Christmas with it's Goodwill treasures given in abundance and love, and I will forever ponder them in my heart.
Previous Blog Post "Selfish Heart vs Servant Heart" HERE }
{ Next Blog Post "Journey Through The Seasons" HERE }
No comments:
Post a Comment