One Snapshot in Time

Once upon a time, there was this girl in this photo. It was summer 2018, long before covid, and I had just crossed the finish line of the Zumbrota Half Marathon, at an official time of 2:02:00.

This morning as I held this stack of photos in my hands, slowly thumbing through them, and as I came across this one in particular, it was like I had been kicked in the gut. Oh Lord how I remember that exact moment. The runners high of finishing a half marathon, a bucket list marathon none-the-less, the adrenaline, the endorphins, the exact moment as caught in that split second of time.

Oh gosh I was so… happy, so… healthy, so… in shape, so… skinny (soooo skinny!)… And as I sat here soaking that reality and memory all in, all I could think was, “Wow, I am not that girl anymore.” My heart hurt and my self disappointment overtook me.  I had worked so hard to get myself to that spot.  I'm still working hard, but obviously not hard enough, because that is not where I am at anymore.

Two and a half years ago … a lifetime ago, and a mere blink in time ago.

I almost put the photos back away, I almost backed out of my decision to finish up scrapbooking the long lost, and long forgotten, summer of 2018 photos that I had recently come across while finally finding a small motivation to open my scrapbook room door and even enter it. It’s been a long hard season for me over here, and while I had once carried a great love and desire to scrapbook, that has not been the case for the past year.

I didn’t put the photos back, I didn’t quit and walk away. I decided to just continue on and get them done. The photos are already printed and just sitting there. The scrapbook already 2/3 of the way done. Why not. 

I spread out the photos, deciding which ones to start with. I picked some paper, did some trimming and arranging, all the while just looking at the smile and sparkle in my eyes, and the thin lean legs crossing that finish line.

At first I was frustrated and upset at myself. Why, why did you have to go let all that perfection slip away yet again? Why can’t you ever just maintain your happiness and weight longer than one to two years max? Oh what I wouldn’t give to get myself back to that moment again…

I took a break and flipped through some of the pages of previous 2018 weekends at the lake that I’d scrapbooked over two years ago, that I'd just left abandoned in a large stack on a chair. The more pages I continued to flip through, the more memories started coming back.

You know, I wasn’t so happy that summer. No, I wasn’t happy at all. The hubs and I were not in a great place during that season. I remember sitting with my soon-to-be-daughter-in-law at a cement table overlooking the lake, crying as she held me and talked to me, begging me to see my worth and find my happiness.

No, I wasn’t really truly happy back in June 2018.

I picked up the stack of photos and kept looking. Oh Lord have mercy, how could I have forgotten what a horrible trip that had actually been?!? I had a new job and didn’t have any time off, so we arrived late the night before the race. And the hotel… where to even begin. The main lobby reeked of what I recall as a cat litter type smell, perhaps actually more an issue of Ethnic cooking smells deeply saturated into every carpet, curtain and piece of furniture. No elevator to the 2nd story, all the luggage up the narrow stairwell. Our room… the air conditioner was broken (and it was nearing triple digits outside) the toilet seat was broken, there was no batteries in the tv remote, the tv was not hooked up to cable or dish or whatever, there was no telephone in the room… and by the time we checked out I had a very strong suspicion I had bedbug bites on my left arm.

No, this was not an ideal little getaway back in 2018.

A few more photos flipped, and I remember waking up to rain. No, not rain, thunderstorms with down-pouring rain, thunder, and lightening. We would sit in our car for over an hour while they tried to decide what to do. We would gather inside the covered bridge and wait some more. They finally decided to just let us go (which they should not have with all that lightening. I will never forget that lighting bolt and immediate crack of thunder that hunched me over with my hands over my head and leaving the hairs on my arm tingling and standing straight up, as I stood in a giant puddle). There was no gun, no official start - just a “well… I guess you can just head out.” It poured the entire 13.1 miles. Mud, puddles past my ankles, no water stations, not one person on the street cheering the entire last mile of the race… My goal was to sub 2 … and I was on pace the entire race until the last mile, where I tanked it. I crossed the finish at 2:02:00

No, that was no really such a great race back in 2018.

And then I remember the cold, the body shakes, the long wet wait during awards. Ok, so maybe we had to stay because I had in fact placed 3rd in my age group, and would be getting another medal. Ok, so that was one other tiny good thing. Oh my gosh, and all the missed calls and the text messages during my run from my son and his girlfriend who had our youngest son and had no idea what to do with him because he was such a hot mess after being at camp for a week.

Camp… camp had been so hard to navigate through and we had to coordinate so much with so many people to get our youngest picked up and then dropped off so he could go somewhere else because we had left as soon as I had gotten off work. Oh and the dogs had to have been all shuffled around as well.

So, it had been a crazy week of coordinating everything and everyone so I could just go do that race.

But, that race had been on my bucket list. I had already skipped doing it the summer of 2017 because I didn’t give it priority. I had gone back and forth so many times and finally at last minute had just signed up a few weeks before the event…. I remember thinking how I knew we weren’t guaranteed tomorrow, which was my deciding factor to doing it.

And that thought, right there, made me stop short this morning.

We are not guaranteed tomorrow. My life’s overarching motto, after losing our Faith MaryJo in 2015. We cannot take our health, or anything in our lives for granted. Don’t put off today what you might not be able to do tomorrow.

And you know what I know today that I didn't know then when that photo was taken? In 2019, heavy spring snow would cave in the roof of that covered bridge, and while they still had the race that summer, the bridge was not fully repaired and the bridge could not be part of the race. In 2020, the race would be covid canceled entirely. Had I not signed up for that 2018 race, I would have probably never run it.

Sobering, humbling, grateful, thankful.

Yes, that photo was taken before covid would arrive and change our entire lives, before in person racing was basically taken away for an unknown length of time, before everything and everyone was forced to change in their terms of interactions, and thoughts, and beliefs, and … well, that’s another post for another time. I’m going to leave it simply at, that photo was taken “pre-covid.” This reality speaks for itself right now.

My oldest son and his girlfriend were the ones who took our youngest, and both our pups, to the camper and watched them for us while we were gone. Both our pups… what I also didn’t know then, was our precious Lily would pass away in Jan 2020. There were many photos taken of her that they sent to us while we were gone, and today I am so grateful for those dear dear memories of her! The tears sting my eyes missing her, but there is a smile on my face remembering her.

You know what else, those two would break up that fall. It was hard and devastating, and it would be a long journey in their relationship over the next year and a half. This past March, right at the beginning of covid… they would actually get back together again, and I am beyond ecstatic to share they are getting married in June of 2021. Our house is so full of love, and laughter, and smiles, and planning right now. At the time of that photo, I had no idea the hard turns they would have to go through to get them to today.

The hubs and I are also in a nearly black and white different place than we were during that season of 2018. I think back to all the tears and hard, and while of course not all is “perfect perfect” now, we are in such a happier place. We too had no idea the hard turns we would have to go through to get us to today.

So yes, the physical number on the scale today isn't the number on the scale that morning back in June 2018. My arms and abs aren’t as defined, my legs and butt aren’t as toned… But this morning as I spent the time putting paper and embellishments to all those photos, all holding those moments and memories - it allowed me the time to look beyond that specific “click” in time.

Am I supposed to use this moment to shame myself into eating better and exercising more? Am I supposed to use this moment to try extend myself grace and give myself permission to (for the five-hundredth millionth time) just accept and love myself for the who I am right now?

I don’t know, I honestly don’t know what I will do with these current feelings and emotions within me, all stemming from a look into the eyes of a younger, different, yet the same, me.

Yes, in that moment I was happy, and skinnier, and probably making healthier decisions with the food I ate… but the glitter and sparkle and joy captured thirty-seconds after finishing a bucket list half marathon race that started and ended in a covered bridge of all things great and glorious… was not in fact the total snapshot of my life at that moment.

How easy it is to forget the whole picture, the rest of the story, the real reality beyond that which catch us off guard as we are struck by those few vivid and great moments that come back to us, either from a photograph, or a memory, or a dream, or even a food or smell that sparks something magic in our minds.

How easy it is to just stop there and sit on it. To compare, wallow, be upset, frustrated, and disappointed. To replay all the mental tapes of not good enough yet again.

Heck no, that weekend and time surrounding the glow of that moment caught on that photo wasn’t really all that great at all. So why would my mind latch on to that photo and give it the power to take my breath away and cause a flood of emotions and unworthiness to come over me?

Life isn’t just those single snapshots of stopped time.

Life is the entire journey that is happening all around those snapshots of stopped time. It’s the ups and downs, goods and bads, happy and sads, celebrations and sorrows… all woven together, independent strands within the full tapestry.

It’s just all sometimes a little tricky to figure out how to truly see and honestly handle the chasms, and pockets, and tunnels, and dark hiding spots within our minds eye.

How do we see with clarity looking backwards, and how to do we see with truth looking forwards? So much of it is an optical illusion of smoke and mirrors, just trying to trick us, and fool us, and trip us up… which is exactly what the devil is twisting his hands with and trying to manipulate us with. And logically, we know it... we do, we know our mind is trying to hyjack us... and yet it still so quickly and so easily happens.  In the blink of an eye.

"Breath deep" is the phrase the Lord has whispering in mind right now as I’m writing this. Heaven knows I obviously do not have all the answers to any of this, and I will forever struggle with self image and being enough. 

And while a part of me is still struggling with the inner critic and judgements, I find myself so grateful I didn’t stop this morning and just walk away, grateful that I owned those moments and memories and spent the time to allow myself to see and process more clearly the whole of that moment, and feel gratitude in the continuation I see now, but couldn’t then. 

No, I am not that same girl as the one that stood on that finish line that day.  I'm two and a half years older, two and a half more years of life and circumstance happened since then and now.  In reality, I do have to attempt to ask myself, am I really that much "worse" ? This I also don't know the answer to right now.  Just because my weight and BMI is perhaps higher, and my running pace slower, does that emphatically define me as being in a "worse" place in life now compared to then?  And actually, it's been a year since the last time I have gotten myself on my scale, so I'm not sure how factual the facts are and how made up these facts may actually be within my mind.

Perhaps I'm simply in a "different" place?  I'm still running and moving and pushing my body regularly.  I'm still trying to be concious of my health.  I'm still trying to be true, authentic, kind, honest, and real.  Those core values of mine have not changed, and really - isn't that more important than that damn number on the scale?

"Breath deep my child. Know that I created you as enough, even though you cannot seem to fully grasp this concept. You are the whole tapestry, not just the individual snapshot threads of your overall journey. You are all of it… the full, vast, bright spectrum of colors and shapes as seen from a distance, all together, all at once. Be brave, be proud, be enough." ~Jesus, your Lord and Savior.

Next Blog Post { Where I Am Now - Covid Month Nine } HERE

Previous blog post { I've Stopped  } HERE

Go The Extra Mile

Remember that silly little run that I had myself all worked up about, all anxious about a few weeks ago, the one on my bucket list, the one I was training for before I could convince myself to even register for?

Ok it actually wasn't so "silly" and I took the whole thing rather quite seriously truth be told, and "little" was maybe the overall size of the race of participants (two hundred fifty-ish) in comparison to the eight thousand runners I ran beside last October in DesMoines... but as for the distance, thirteen point one miles is still thirteen point one miles no matter what race you register for, no matter what town you're in, and it's actually not that "little."

Well, that run happened this past weekend.  And I was there.  I started and I finished, I got that finishers metal, and I got to cross something really big off my little bucket list.  And in my book and in my heart, it was huge.

I had to do a lot of planning and juggling to make this one happen.  New job, no PTO, juggling the ten year old and dogs from here to there, from church camp to home, from home to the camper, from grandparents to the brother and girlfriend, to friends at the campground while brother and girlfriend went to a golf tournament.  Amazingly enough, it all worked out, and my hubs and I embarked on a small adventure I am sure we will never forget.  Lol.

I won't get into the details, but let's just say it was a small town, with an even smaller town hotel that I knew only had a one star rating online.  We'll just leave it this... the toilet seat was broke, the air conditioning didn't work, the cable tv box wasn't hooked up to the tv, and the entire hotel smelled, well... horrible.  Luckily we were there merely a matter of hours, we were in and out of town in less than sixteen hours.

So why this race, why this town you ask.  Well, it was a half marathon that started and ended in a covered bridge, and I am a die hard covered bridge lover, and I have been since the moment I entered my very first one in Winterset Iowa one night at dusk almost two decades ago.  The romance, the history, the nostalgia, the symbolism, just everything about covered bridges touches me, moves me, inspires me, draws me to them.  I put it on my bucket list the day I first heard about this particular race two years ago, long before I ever knew I actually possessed the ability to actually train and run a distance that far.

So, basically the main reason I ran this was, well... because I could. Over the last few years I have first hand come to learn we are not guaranteed tomorrow. We are not guaranteed our health a year from now, we are not guaranteed our spouse will still be beside us next year, we are not guaranteed retirement... For two years I had said, "Oh maybe next year I'll run that covered bridge half marathon..." and then about a month ago I simply decided I can’t take the chance on waiting to maybe try make it work next year.  I might not be here next year.

Right here, right now I’m alive, I’m relatively injury free (minus a few aches and pains and discomforts). I’m able to train and travel in this current season of my life.  And yet, I had a really hard time signing up and taking this one on.  It was the big one in my mind, the elusive bucket list one, and this one took a lot of effort and sacrifice from my family and friends.  What if I got there and couldn't finish, what if it went terrible and I didn't get to come home with a finishers metal?  For some reason I struggled mentally with this race, mostly because I had held it up on such a high pedestal for so long, and I was so scared of failing myself and disappointing myself and everyone else.  So much so that I almost didn't do it.  And then I almost signed up to only run the 10k (because the 10k finishers also got metals at this race).  But then there was the text from the hubs saying he would drive me there, but only if I signed up to do the half.  Go big or go home he had said.  No regrets he had said.

It's a good thing he knows me so well, hu?

I could have signed up for the 10k, finished after six point two miles, and gone home with a finishers metal, I was quite confident that was a distance I could accomplish.  But I did in fact sign up for the half.  Thirteen point freaking one miles. Double digits, and I lacked the confidence to defeat the fear within me the entire time I trained.

And then suddenly it was Friday night, and we had arrived, and I was standing alone in that beloved covered bridge in the little town of Zumbrota, MN.  I'd been to this bridge once before, a super quick stop on our way home once before we were even married.  And now here I was again, the eve of another half marathon. 

It was raining that night when I left the bridge, and continued into the next morning. I woke up and the radar showed we were in the middle of a large and slow moving system.  It rained.  It poured.  It lightening. It thundered.  I sat on the bed in the sad little hotel room and wondered what in the world would happen if they would cancel it.  I was filled with dread over whatever the outcome was going to be.  It was either going to be canceled, no race at all, or it wasn't going to be canceled and we were going to have to run in the weather that nature was handing out that morning.

We made our way back to the bridge and gathered inside with many other runners.  It was cold and wet.  The thunder and lightening continued, and low and behold at 7:30am ~ a mere thirty minutes later than originally scheduled, they officially sent the half marathoners on their way.  The 10K would follow shortly after, and then the 5K'ers.  My hubs had surprised me and signed up to do the 5K, so he was donned with a number and ventured out into the elements as well.  I missed both his start and his finish, but I was so proud of him.

The miles weren't exactly easy, but the first few miles did surprise me how quickly they slipped by.  Soon I was leaving the roadway and veering to the left onto a paved path that had once been an old railroad.  It really was a breathtaking route.  Lush greenery lined both sides and I can only imagine how it would have looked with sunshine sparkling through the leaves and wildflowers instead of the pelting rain and streaks of lightening.

Mile three ticked by and then there was a turnaround spot for the 10k'ers.  The half marathoners were to continue onward, which I did.  I distinctly remember thinking that I would have been half way through the race already if I had signed up to run the 10K.  And then I looked up, and right after the start of mile four, there in front of me, was another covered bridge.  A bridge I had no idea existed.  I could hardly believe it.  As I stepped onto and crossed it I laughed out loud and said "Bonus Bridge!"  It was so fun... then I got to cross it again on my way back after hitting our turn around spot.

I told everyone I only wanted to finish, that was my only goal.  But of course we all know the truth inside ourselves when we say those kinds of things.  Of course I wanted to finish, but I also really wanted to PR (break my personal record) and I really wanted to Sub2 (finish under two hours).  I admitted these two things to very few people.  I ran hard, I stayed right in front of the 2:00 pace setter for the first ten miles.  He slowly made his way next to me during mile eleven, and then I couldn't keep up any longer.

Mile twelve was hard.  Really hard.  I wanted to walk.  I wanted to quit.  I wanted it to just be over.  I was tired, I was wet, I was mentally and physically done.

But I refused to let myself walk.  I continued on through puddles ankle deep.  I wove through cul de sacs in figure eights that had not one single spectator out cheering anyone on. Then along the side of a busy highway, and then back to weaving my way through the park.  I could see the bridge, and I could see my 2:00 pace setter slowly creeping further and further ahead of me.  My runkeeper app stopped talking to me before mile seven.  I went from getting my distance, speed, and average pace updates every five minutes and every mile to nothing.  Nothing at all.  I knew I wasn't going to Sub2, and assumed I would not PR (2:05).  I rounded a few more corners and climbed the final hill into the end of the bridge.  I looked at the numbered that lit up the bridge.  2:02.  I had in fact PR'ed, and I had in fact finished.

I had done it.  I had officially checked this race off my bucket list.

In the end I found out I didn't just finished and get to come home with a finishers metal.  I also came in 3rd place for my age group.  Who would have thunk?!?  RunningNonRunner me would come home with not one, but two metals!  They called my name during the awards afterwards and I got to go up and get that second metal.  Pretty surreal.  And the hubs came in 5th place in his age group!

We were showered and in the car heading out of town less than an hour later, muscles sore and hearts full.  We talked and laughed and took turns sleeping on the way home.

The next night I went out on a walk on our local trail that had also once been a train track, just a few blocks from our house.  I walked, my legs and muscles more sore than the day before.  As I walked, dusk slowly settling around me, I was struck with the reality... Had I only signed up to run the 10K, I would have turned around shortly after mile three.  I would have never continued on to mile four, and I would have never known about or gotten to run across that 2nd covered bridge.

You know, people believed in me, people encouraged me, and I chose to not give in to the fear and doubt whispering its sweet nothings endlessly into my ear. I chose to believe in myself and just go for it, to train hard, to allow myself myself, to be just a little selfish, to just take on those few extra miles in my attempt to accomplish something big, something larger than I'd ever dreamt I'd be able to achieve.

And I want to tell YOU to not be afraid to believe in yourself, to push yourself, to just go a little longer, just a little farther, push just a little harder, give yourself yourself.  You have no idea what's waiting for you over that next hill, around that next corner, after that next accomplishment, in that next mile ahead.  Grasp your strength and show yourself, and the world around you, what you're made of, what you're capable of.

Find the balance... find how to live in the middle of being a good steward of life and resources, while not misering it away, not wasting it away, not wishing it away.  Be intentional, be purposeful, be fully present and invested in the right here and right now... not lost in the what ifs of yesterday and the what might bes of tomorrow.  Wear that favorite perfume, burn your favorite candle, drink that favorite bottle of wine... Don’t save your favorite things for too long, don't keep telling others and yourself you'll do it "later..."  Do it now, be there for your family now, be there for yourself now. 

I guarantee that what’s waiting in that one more mile will be knock-your-socks-off awesomesauce. And if it’s not, or if you can’t quite do it, can’t quite get there yet this time... don’t give up! Get back out there tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. I promise God will keep waking you up every morning and filling you with the purpose and strength you need to go just a little farther, just a little faster, just a little stronger each and every day.

And don't forget to turn around and look for those on their journeys around you.  See them, believe in them, encourage them, love them.  None of us would be where we are today if someone hadn't believe and invested in us, and we need to all be sure we are doing the same to those around us.

Be influential. Be inspirational. Be intentional. Run that race, chase that dream, grab for that goal, go that extra mile further than you want, further than you believe you can, further than everyone else thinks you can. Because you know what, I believe in you and I know you CAN!

{ Previous Blog post "Zombie Autopilot Mode" HERE }