Dear heavens, it's after 9:30pm already. My eyes can barely stay open, my mind shut off hours ago... I'm in zombie mode, autopilot mode, exhaustion mode, emotion overload mode, race week emotional freak out mode, mom of homesick son at camp mode.
I'm rarely up this late, two nights in a row none-the-less. I'm usually long in bed and asleep by 9pm, the ten year old nestled in beside me. But he's gone at camp... and he's a wreck right now. He's homesick, not wanting to participate and not wanting to eat. We spent much of the night in communication with the camp and when they let him call us, all he did was cry... sobbing into the phone that he wants to go home. Ohhhh mama mia.
And you know what happened about an hour before the camp communications started, "race week" inner freak out hit me. It came out in the form of snappy, grumpy, snippy, catty person to the hubs, who was just sitting on the couch on his phone minding his own business.
Why do we act our worst towards those we love the most?
Oh yes, he asked how my day went I went all freak out on him about headphones and blue tooth and weather temperatures and wind speed and wind direction and if I’ll be running into the wind and turning around or running into the wind after turning around and sports bras and tank tops and bathroom rules for Saturday morning. (In, out, done. No “shitting” around on a darn cell phone for forty minutes in there.) We spat over driving routes and restaurant locations that provide steak and steamed vegetable options (I am NOT eating at a mcdonalds at 10pm the night before a half marathon for heaven-to-betsy!).
I forgot that he hasn’t ever done with this with me before, he’s never seen me race before, he’s never seen me before the before of the race. It’s not pretty, and he is already not impressed and has very little tolerance for my angst and insecurity shenanigans. Oh, and then I remembered how we often do not travel well together, because I can’t read a map and we go all cold shoulder with each other and won’t talk for most of the 4.5 hours we’re sitting beside each other in the vehicle. Oh and I won’t even comment on the radio volume and the temperature setting. Earplugs and a blanket. Note to self, need to be sure to pack earplugs and a blanket. And food. Oh gosh, and he doesn’t take food when we travel, and I’m going to be packing a cooler of food (cuz really, who goes anywhere without a bag of baby carrots and bananas and fat free cottage cheese and plain greek yogurt?!?)… This could get interesting. {wink}.
Yes, it's inner turmoil, inner drama, inner expectations, inner pre-conceived hopes, fears, insecurities sparking out like rogue cinders from a crackling cackling campfire. It's all going on, churning and burning in my mind and my body, and yet I'm just too exhausted to really even care, really fully grasp and process both the pettiness and the magnitude of it all... and yet, I’m apparently not quit exhausted enough to be able to control it or turn it off from all its raging and roaring within me.
I am women, hear me roar.
(Oh gosh did I really just type that?!? Yes, I am losing my ever love’n marbles.) ~lol ~hilarious.
Ok, back to seriousness now. (And an apology to the hubs for all said negativity listed above, and I promise I will only post happy perfect looking photos of us on social media this coming weekend ~lol.) So, none of this is new... This has been the rotating story of my life in one form or another for the past forty three years. I find it funny how surprised and worked up it always still seems to leave me though in its wake and fury.
The clock refuses to stop, it just keeps tick tocking along, bringing me closer and closer to those peak moments, and then suddenly they're there, they’re happening, they’re in the very moment of… and then… then they're gone, they're fading farther and father behind me, nothing but a dim memory. The cycle soon to begin again as a new moment starts appearing ahead on that distant horizon.
I climb out of bed, slowly shuffling along the hardwood floor to our back door. I slide it open and slowly sink onto the makeshift wooden step, aka my 2x3 foot "deck." {wink} There's no fancy aqua adirondack chairs like at the lake, no glider and table set like the one I fell in love with at the local hardware store... but there is this beautiful sky, the whisper of a fading sunset after a hot day and a pop up summer evening rainfall. It's still, the breeze in the trees, and in the dim light I open my devotions. The devotions I was too busy to read this morning, because I had overslept and chose to skip in my attempt to still do a short work out, shower, and not be late to work.
I rarely oversleep, and I am rarely not running alongside an inner weariness.
I look down at the words. I re-read them with tears forming in the corners of my eyes, blurring the words in the ever deepening darkness.
"We must learn to let God do the heavy lifting. Let Him supply the ability to energize our choices. We can choose to exercise or stop overeating, but our choice alone is not enough for compete victory. Willpower and determination will get us started, but they've been known to quit in the middle and leave us stranded. God never quits in the middle... God has not created us to function well without Him, and the sooner we learn that the better. Ask God to get involved, to do the heavy lifting. Continue on with God and finish with God. What should we do when the burdens in life seem too heavy? Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." ~Matthew 11:28 (Joyce Meyer's Trusting God Day by Day).
That right there, is my life verse, and has been for years and years. And that message could not have been more fitting, the perfect bookend, the reminder and gentle salve to this weary heart and troubled mind tonight.
As my friend who is also reading this same daily devotional has said over and and over to me "It's as if the book is actually blank, each page with each date is empty and white... until we open it up, and God writes that days devotions specifically for us, about exactly what we need to hear from Him, on that exact date." Time and again I am left smiling at the truth in that concept.
Perfect timing, from a perfect God, whispering life and love into my very imperfect self. God, here's to the heavy lifting I give to You. Take my weary burdens and allow me rest. Allow me rest...
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