Yes It's Been A While

Well hello my friends… yes it’s been awhile hasn’t it.

It’s been a very busy and chaotic few months for me… actually all of 2021 is proving to be “quite the year”. (As if 2020 wasn’t “enough” of a “quite the year” enough for five years.)

So many things have happened this year… a RunDisney progressive virtual running event, which dovetailed into a multi-month recovery of a fairly major back injury. There was (is) the lingering covid divide of all things anything. There was a wedding and all things involving being the mother-of-the-groom; showers and flowers, invites and cakes, shopping and spa days. There has been camping and a somewhat attempt to return to running. There is now a teenager in the house and all the things involving the aspects of a middle school teenage adopted boy dealing with normal struggles, as well as a few additional struggles that need attention and love and constant navigation. There was a middle school baseball season, with all the practices, carpools, drop offs, pick ups, and games. There has been all the financial struggles I’m sure everyone is also experiencing and the attempts to juggle two jobs, both of which are currently from my home, but one of which will soon be having to return back to the public office setting.

I’m sure I could continue on, but I’m also sure I’ve probably already lost several of you along the way as you tried to just get past the above paragraph. I know I know, it’s not just me living in a crazy fog of all the things.

So, I have been fairly silent, at least much of the time. However, I have been leaving the house much more than a year ago. I have been making appearances in public places, as well as attempting to visit one on one with a few of my closer peeps that I have not seen much of over the past 18+ months. I’m still very much an introvert, still very much one who loves to view and experience things from afar.

I have stopped reading self help books, I’ve stopped listening to self help podcasts, and I gave my social media feed a very healthy trim. I finally looked up one day last summer and realized that all the books I was reading, and many of the people and accounts I was following in my attempt to become “better” were actually leaving me worse off than the “worse” I was already at.

So I picked up some non-fiction… said hello to the glorious Twilight series of books and movies, and then on to the Beautiful Creatures series, the House of Night series, the Of Smoke and Bone series, and haven’t really looked back since.

No more For the Love, no more Girl Wash Your Face, no more Carry On Warrior, no more Eat Cake Be Brave. I’ve made some fast friends with some amazing vampires and have zero regrets closing the door for a while on the self improvement ward.

On occasion I will still listen to a random podcast now and then, but overall I have just really cut back on everything, at least attempting to hold the reigns back to all that which influences me from the outside in. My radio is not on at home or in my car.  I don't watch tv.  I set my phone to turn off all notifications from 7pm to 7am, but don’t get me wrong, I’m still very easily the victim of endless social feed scrolling and wasting so many of my precious minutes and hours wishing I had more of this and less of that. 

I’ve also made the odd switch to running to classical music. I have always had a love for it (and you know, Metallica), but never while I was running or walking.  But one day I reached that point of utter burnout that was so extreme I could no longer continue to hear or process any more words.

So in other words, yes, I’m still a hot mess. I’m still not the weight I want to be. I’m still not remotely close to the mother / wife / daughter I need to be to those in my immediate bubble. I still have a daughter that I have to visit every now again over in the cemetery, and absolutely everything (and I do mean everything) in between.

I’ve been doing some thinking about this blog again lately, feeling compelled to post something… but not sure what. I started this blog to tell our story, our story of our Journey to Faith. Our love and loss of our dear little daughter Faith MaryJo. And I did share the details of our very short life with her, and I’ve since gone on to share some of the healing and dealing as I continue to try move forward in this life. She stopped living, but I did not, and somehow I am needing to figure out all the details to all the minutes, days, months, years until it will be my turn to take my last breath here on earth and join her.

And as I think about that, I think about what I really want to write about, to share, to allow you in to see and know and feel. But I have this ever present odd little voice in my head always saying – no one is wanting to know. No one wants to see what coffee mug you are using today.  No one wants to know that you ran today and how far you went. No one wants to hear about the thoughts and pangs and hurts and joys and sorrows and utter disparity continually at war within you.

And for some reason, I tend to listen to that voice, give that voice the power it does not have and surely does not deserve. I am not forcing anyone to do anything, and I do not need to believe the whispers saying no one wants to hear, or see, or know anything about anything I have to say or do.

So I’ve decided, at least for the current moment, to drink the coffee, run the miles, bake the cupcakes, pet the dog, post the photos, and … write the words.

Write the words.

Yesterday as I was in the car driving in silence, all the thoughts and all the words all binging and banging and pin balling around inside my mind, I decided to challenge myself to write and publish one thing a week for the next nine weeks. I was throwing back and forth if I needed to stick to a certain topic or not… and went back and forth over the reason for the blog in the first place.

Our Journey to Faith. "Faith" as in our daughter… "Faith" as in believing and doing all in which you cannot actually see or know, and simply trusting that it is good.

Maybe I'll try write about the joy of watching an amazing son marry the love of his life, while knowing there should be one more little flower girl coming down that isle before them with her pink rose pedals and her sparkly little shoes and dress.

Maybe I'll write about my running and fitness journey, because in reality, it took me being really sick and reaching the lowest of lows with my physical and mental health before I finally was able to find any kind of forward momentum improving my own health.

Maybe I'll write about…. Actually… why don’t you just try pop on here every now again over the next few weeks knowing I will hopefully be fulfilling my personal promise and challenge to myself and sharing whatever it is that God lays on my heart and hands in those moments yet to come. 

 

Previous Blog Post { Faith Week } HERE 

Next Blog Post { The Wedding } HERE

Faith Week

Today is the start of Faith Week for me.  The week leading up to the 6th birth date of our little Faith MaryJo.

It's been a thought in the back of my mind for a while... it's always a thought in the back of my mind in some form or another, but I have found today as I was attempting to sit in some silence and soul care for myself, that my mind is wanting to be anything but silent.

I wanted to allow myself a full "rest day" after my #runsheisbeautiful "run" yesterday (which I got through but didn't actually "run" it because of my back and inability to train like I had wanted [needed]).  For whatever reason my mind is always at war trying to justify what a "real runner" "is" and "isn't", and for all the miles and all the races I've put my body through, I still really don't consider myself a "real" runner.  But this is another topic for another day, and a topic that I've already covered (and covered and covered) in past posts.

But this morning as I sat reading in the dark morning silence, my mind was not wanting to comply to the silence around me.  It was thinking of the to-list on the counter.  It was thinking about the litany of things I have yet to accomplish and achieve that I want to, and it was continuing to bring up thoughts and memories of Faith.

Next Saturday will mark the 6th anniversary of her birth.  She was born sleeping, already in Heaven, already in the Arms of Jesus.  There's so much to say and yet nothing at all to say.  And I'm sitting here torn and unable to focus my thoughts and feelings into any one channel of clarity.

I've been doing "this" for six years now, and I still don't know how to do it "right"... I still don't know how to celebrate and grieve all at the same time.  How do you remember and how do you forget all at the same time?  And I know there is no right or wrong way to do it, and every single person does it differently... their own way, as only they need to, but I seem to always get stuck in the sticky middle of all of it.

Do I write something new, although how to you share something "new" when there isn't anything "new" actually to share, because the passing of the past year will still bring us right back to the same place as last year... the cemetery.

She's not here to open gifts, or eat her cake.  She's not here to pick her party theme or tell us what's on her wish list.  She's not here to take photos of or videos of to share and savor.  The only picture and videos of her are her ultrasounds photos, the memory burned into my mind of watching the large screen in the dark room and seeing those arms move, that heartbeat flutter in time on the screen with the audio coming from the machine next to me, and the pictures of her headstone across town at the cemetery.

I want to post, to share, to honor, and to remember her, but I don't want people to feel sorry for me, or pity me, or be concerned about my current mental health (or lack there of).  I want to plan a little something special to celebrate her, but wonder if that's just odd, weird, not normal, unhealthy... I don't want to re-post the same sad posts of that one time, that one thing that happened to us six years ago and make it sound like I am still unable to move on, to recover from, to get over... 

And yet... I'm NOT totally moved on, I'm NOT fully recovered from it, and I'm NOT completely over it, and know I never actually will be... So why worry, why fear what other people might think, or might say, or might not even care about.

We all journey through grief and loss differently, on different time frames and through different degrees of publicity and silent secrecy.  There's no guidebook on this, there's no grade to enter into the grade book at the end of the project to score how well we did (or didn't do).

And grades make me think of school... think about how she would have been in preschool or TK this year.  Who are the other kids that would be in class with her? Who are the other parents we would be mingling with?  What graduating year would she have been?  Who would she have been friends with? What toys and shows would she have enjoyed?  What would some of her favorite foods and candy have been?

These are all things we will never know, never have, never get to experience.  So, should I allow myself to think about these kinds of things, or should I just be working on forgetting... forgiving God and moving forward...

Should I again publicly share my story of her life and loss?  Should I bake her a little cake and celebrate the life we both got and lost all at the same time on March 27, 2015?  Should I bring balloons and flowers to the cemetery next Saturday? And... is this even an "I" thing for me alone to decide, as it really is a "we" thing... a "family" thing... and yet I am fully aware we are all on different pages of our journey within the same story, and that makes all of it even that much more tricky.

So this morning I sit here, my mind a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions and I have no idea what is right or wrong, what is forward or backward, what is remembering or forgetting, and I simply have to do what I've done so many times before...

I have to merely open my hands and acknowledge that I am not the one in control, I did not choose this, I do not know the answers to any of this, and somehow that is ok (even though it's totally not). 

It's ok to have to step into yet another Faith Week messy and mixed up and emotional.  It's ok to not be ok, and it's ok to actually be ok.  There's so much guilt, and sadness, and anger, and bitterness, and relief, and suppressed anxiety about all of it inside of me.

It's always there, always simmering just below the surface, and sometimes it rears up and wrecks more havoc than I feel I can bare... but this whole Journey to Faith seems to be about venturing in and through all the things I thought I could not bare... but had to. 

Part of me knows I have to bare this alone and by myself, and part of me knows I need to reach out and seek and take that which needs to be given to me, and I need to accept all of it with open arms and a receptive soul that is in need a healing salve that God wants to give to me in many ways and forms.

The hole in my heart will always be there this side of Heaven. Some days, some seasons, it will bleed, some days, some seasons, it will scab and start to heal. This week it will bleed huge drops of tears and sorrow, mixed with some anger and utter devastation. 

And that is ok. 

Whatever I decide is the right thing I need to do to grieve, to remember, to celebrate, to sit with, or to move on from is going to be ok.  Whatever that will all look like, whatever I need to do, or not do, will simply be ok.

I don't have a solid plan of how I want this week to go, or what I'm going to do, or not do.. what I will share, or not share... and as not ok as that is, and as not ok as I am... it will still be ok.

Previous Post { Road To 46 Grit Challenge } HERE.

Next Blog Post { Yes, It's Been A While } HERE

Road to 46 Grit 300 Challenge

This past summer I was already thinking about my birthday and what I could / would / should do for a fitness "challenge" for this year.

The past several years I have done some big birthday runs, and decided to follow suit, just kicked up a notch. I found a summer challenge going on and changed it up just a little. Instead of 300 miles over the summer, I would do 300 miles in the 46 days leading up to my birthday and finish up the miles with a half marathon the morning of my birthday. Which was just a random work day, on a Wednesday.  (I mean everyone chooses to get up extra early and run extra far quick a minute before work on the morning of their birthdays, right?!)

I've been intriqued by the word Grit for the past few years. I've listened to and read (and own) Angela Duckworth's talks and book about Grit: The Power of Passion and Perserverance, so naturally I was drawn to the Believe in the Run Grit Challenge this summer when I saw it post. The wheels in my mind immediately turning as to how to change it into something personal and challenging - yet attainable - for myself.

At the beginning of the year I printed out all the new calendar pages for 2021 to add to my workout schedule folder, and I began filling it in. I first got all my training logged through my Dream BIG Princess Challenge … then moved on to filling in the 46 days to my birthday. I was busy with the calculator figuring it all out, and finally had it all set and ready to go - hitting mile 300 during a half marathon run the morning of March 10th. I put the pencil down with a smile, and a little whisper of “girlfriend why do you keep doing this to yourself…” All in all, I was confident it was doable and I was ready to dive in and do it.

I trained (and trained) and stressed out but tackled that Dream BIG Princess Challenge in January. Four days in a row with a progressive 5K, 10K, Half (13.1), and Full (26.2) Marathon. I had the shirts, and the medals, and the coffee mug… and I did it, I actually completed it all. (All inside, on my treadmill and elliptical, and all of it completely alone in my basement.)

I “allowed” myself the following week off to rest and recover. Yeah, I’m one of those people who struggles with rest, and worth, and view food as the enemy and exercise as the punishment - so to eat and not exercise is hard mentally for me… I’m not great at controlling the demons inside me screaming for chocolate and candy and all the things I’m not supposed to eat - so that also means I’m not great at allowing myself to simply “not” do any intentional exercise…

But Lord knows my body needed rest, my mind needed rest… my soul needed rest, and I was allowing myself that. And then on day four I went to stand up out of my chair for lunch … and I could feel my back go out.  It seized, it spasmed, I grabbed it all hunched over and immediately called to get in to the chiropractor.

Nope, this is not my first rodeo with back issues… I’ve bent to put my leg into a pair of shorts, I’ve bent into the wash machine to pull out clothes, I’ve stood up from a chair, I’ve sneezed - and my back has gone out and I’ve gone down. It usually takes a trip or two to the chiropractor and a few days and it’s "for the most part" better.

I wasn’t at all surprised that my back went out after the wear and tear of the days earlier. I got adjusted, it was sore, I was careful, and two days later I loaded up the car with my mom and enough food to feed a small army and we set off to my son and future daughter-in-laws new house to feed the masses that were there helping tear down old plaster and lattes. I ran errands and at some point was handed the shop vac hose to take over some vacuuming. And I bent down to begin… and my back went out again… it really went out.

During the following days, weeks, and months my back would continue to haunt me. Every day there was incredible pain and spasming. I couldn't get up by myself, I couldn't get dressed by myself, I couldn't get shoes on by myself.  I couldn’t sit at all, and I couldn’t stand for long periods of time either. I was flat on my back most of the time. I went to the chiropractor, I went for massages, I was laced up tight in a back brace, and I finally went to the doctor for some muscle relaxers about six weeks in.

It was determined that it was not a spinal issue, it was an issue of some very angry sartorius muscles. I laid on the heating pad, I did the stretches, I made myself get up and try walk enough to somewhat get it to loosen up for just a moment or two. Rest and repeat.

I watched the calendar and day 1 of the Grit Challenge was getting closer and closer, and I was not running… I was barely walking, and I wasn’t quite sure what was going to happen.

In the end, I decided that I had set the goal of 300 “intentional” miles during those 46 days, and I just had to mentally settle on the fact that that “intentional” would have to be altered slightly during this time with my back.

I began watching the daily overall steps and milage on my garmin watch each day, something I hadn’t done before. I had originally set my milage goals by penciling in the distance I needed to intentionally run / elliptical / power walk each morning - all in one time interval with not stopping in between, and that was not an option, so I did what I could and kept track at the end of each day, hoping to end somewhat close to where I had originally "planned" on "needing" to do.

Walking was hard, really hard. I would have to make myself get up and move, and I began to start walking slow laps from one end of the house to the other, mutiple times a day, hunched over and breathing hard, squeezing my hands over the spasming muscles.  I continue recording the overall daily milage I got in, pushing myself to both rest and move as needed throughout each day.

I had never counted overall daily mileage before in my intentional milage, but these miles were some of the hardest and most "intentional" miles I have ever endured.  I had to figure out when to rest, when to push, and when to be done entirely.

I slowly began to walk a little on the treadmill, and in time I could also go a little while on the elliptical.  Every day I got up and tried to do what I could.  Some days were better than others, but every day hurt. Every single day was hard, and I'm still not near 100% over two months later.

In the end, while not at all what I had originally planned (umm hello, story of my life), I did actually log mile 300 during my miles the morning of my birthday.  I did earn that new mug, and I did wear that new shirt, and I did turn another year older, though sadly I did not meet many other of my wellness and fitness goals I had also pinned on that day... But nearly all my life I've entered the next year with the same hopes and goals and dreams - and nearly every year is another year I can't check all the boxes of completion.

While I may not have been at the weight I wanted or the running pace I wanted (or even running at all) or so many other things I fell short yet again on... I did however persist (and as Merriam-Webster states) with a firmness of mind or spirit with unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger, through 300 intentional miles over the course of 46 days.  I wasn't able to tick the miles off on my garmin all at one time without stopping, but lap by lap through my house, and slow mile by mile on my treadmill and elliptical, I did get those miles in.

And while I hardly allowed myself to celebrate conquering that Dream BIG Princess Challenge before my back fell apart and I was left struggling to come to terms with a body that failed me again... I have to stop myself and say - no girl, your body didn't fail you - you got every single mile in on that challenge (and the next!), and it was a hard challenge, so give yourself some credit.  Your back went out, yes, but it didn't fail me, and it does deserve both the rest and celebration of getting me to and through yet one more of my personal tests of grit.   #gritgitter

Previous blog post { Sad, Serious, and a Side of Snarky } HERE

Next blog post { Faith Week } HERE

grit

 noun

Definition of grit

 (Entry 1 of 2)

1a: SAND, GRAVEL

b: a hard sharp granule (as of sand)also  : material (as many abrasives) composed of such granules

2: any of several sandstones

3a: the structure of a stone that adapts it to grinding

b: the size of abrasive particles usually expressed as their mesh

4: firmness of mind or spirit : unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger managed to survive by his grit and guile

Sad, Serious, and a Side of Snarky

And here I am again… the eve of turning another year older.

I’m still not at the weight I want to be. I’m still not in the shape I want to be. I’m still not where I “should be” mentally or spiritually. I’m still a hot mess wife, mother, daughter, friend, neighbor.

Another wasted 365 days of fighting with myself over my own worth, and my own happiness, and my own inner validation. Only this year I got to also add in surviving a worldwide pandemic on top of it all.

My whole life I’ve fought the inner demons of never enough, and I don’t know why. I don’t know what drives me to always feel the failure, always feel I’ve fallen short, always feel not quite there yet, no matter how much I’ve done, accomplished, or how far I’ve come.

I’m currently feeling not much more than a collection of snarky coffee mugs and virtual race medals, earned running all by myself in the dark corner of my basement. And I’m currently suffering from a back injury that is keeping me from even “really” running (not that I was actually even a "real runner" to begin with). I can walk and I can elliptical, and that simply is what is it right now, and perhaps will be forever, as my mind continues to whisper quietly to me. (Which is also heavily laced with a thick layer of guilt because I actually CAN walk and CAN do life because I'm not actually sick or in need of anything so by golly miss molly stop feeling sorry for yourself girlfriend.)

I find myself just in this simmering stage of mad, upset, frustration, disappointment… Every year… every damn year it’s the same thing. The same date on the calendar holding all the same hopes for all the same goals and all the validations for all the same things. The same memories of that little heartbeat that was there six years ago, but only for seventeen more days.

And then here it is again, the night before… and through one side of me I look over the year and know I’ve yet again fallen short. Yet again not been strong enough to get myself “there” (where ever in the hell “there” even is), and the other side of me is just holding hands tied tight with these heavy chains, face dirty with tears and grime and sweat and blood asking… pleading with myself asking why… why can’t I just be enough right where I am, exactly who I already am?!?

Why the battle, why the fight? Why?!? Why do I even seem to care so much when no one else really does (another lie whispering inside that mind of mine). It’s my life, my shadows, my demons, my skeletons in the closet… no one else’s. But this world isn’t about me, it surely doesn’t revolve around me, my issues aren’t even a blip on the radar of all reality – so, why do I put so much stock inside my own self to be the be all end all?

It’s a question that is both utter ridiculous and utterly crippling, and one that leaves me sitting right here, year after year after year.

( but have no fear.... this too shall pass... and pass and pass - and we'll talk again in another year from now and maybe ... just maybe ... by gosh by golly I'll have finally written myself a new narrative. #ornot #wink )

Previous Blog post  { Unexpected Blessings... Stay Strong } HERE

Next Blog post { Road to 46 Grit Challenge } HERE

Unexpected Blessings - Stay Strong

New Years Eve 2020 I was in bed and probably asleep by 8:45pm. #partyanimal

I stayed home, skipping the annual New Years Eve party with our friends.  I skipped because I have a really big race scheduled for this week and I did not want to risk being exposed (yes, I am one of #thosepeople), and I skipped because I had a really big race scheduled for bright and early New Year's Day.

My 3rd Annual 1st Run of the Year race through Virtual Pace Series.

I've been diligently training for a half and full marathon coming up, so instead of just another long training run this week, I signed up for this race with the goal distance of 20.21 miles.

Happy New Year 2021 girls and boys!

I trained, I watched my nutrition and water intake super close, I made sure I got enough sleep. I fueled well before and during the race... and it went really well.  Like surprisingly really well.  The kind of "really well" that later in the day makes you wonder if you somehow messed up the math and didn't go the right distance or somehow didn't do something "correct."

But it's also the kind of "really well" that just might come from having well... just having trained really well.

Does this give me a false sense of hope going into my big race this week... #suredoes

The next morning I gave myself a full rest day #whoopwhoop and got up and nestled in with my coffee, blanket, devotions, and my book in front of the fireplace, while the hubs headed to the lakes for some more ice fishing for the second day in a row.

I got a text later from him asking how I was feeling.  Oh... like I got run over by a freight train, you know the typical post race #lawdhavemercy #whathaveIdone.

But it made me reflect a little... I had registered for this race as soon as it had opened - it was the 3rd year in a row I'd done this race and had been a little fearful covid would have messed this one up as well, but it opened, I registered, the medal arrived a few weeks ago, it went immediately into the race drawer, and it wasn't until New Years Eve that I dug it all out and got it all ready. (Race day outfits are just as important as race day itself peeps!)

That night I realized that I did not have a Gatorade Recovery Bar (#whatthewhatgirlfriend) in the race drawer and I had never even thought about finding a "perfect" mug to go with this race (#hotmessexpresstimeofyear).  Yes, I have some strange inner personal "rules" about weird stuff - and two of them are is that I only allow myself to indulge in a Gatorade Recovery bar and treat myself to a new mug after I have "earned" it by training and completely a half marathon (or greater) distance race.

 So, I ran it, didn't have a recovery bar afterward, and drank coffee from my Tired As A Mother Runner mug (which I had "earned" after my 2019 birthday half marathon - just in case you were curious. lol)

I even texted something back in my reply to the hubs stating he should be happy to know I didn't even get myself a new mug after this race.  He's kinda ok with this "mug thing" but kinda not.  #touchysubject #wellleaveitatthat 

A little while later I put the dog out and noticed there was a box that had been delivered on the front step. I gave it a sideways glance and remembered I had bid on (and won) some books from Poshmark last week, and left the box out there.

I closed the door when she came back in and started to clean up and put away the Christmas decorations. 

I stopped to touch the little pink Faith bear we have out on a shelf. I carefully put the crystal snowflake ornament with her name on it that we had gotten that year from the funeral home back in it's box. I touched the glittery pink shoes that had made me completely fall apart a few weeks earlier at the local dollar store.  They were that one random thing, that unexpected thing, that sends the searing pain of loss deep inside causing the tears to publicly spill as you stand there alone in the aisle wishing with an ache so deep and so strong, that there were really little feet and toes that would slide into these precious little adorable shoes.  Yes, I actually let myself buy them, for whatever reason, and put them on the shelf, right next to the beautiful wooden wings ornament sent to me from a dear friend... I decided to leave it all out this year... to see daily, to remember daily.

A little later I put the dog out again (don't even ask, she has bladder issues and is a yorkie with a bladder the size of a pea) and decided I should probably take the box in and attempt to "hide" the books since I totally don't "need" new books and shouldn't have even gotten them because #dugh - library... free and post holiday bank account... empty.

I put the box on the table and thought it didn't really feel like books, but oh well.  I tore it open and...

It was most definitely not the books I had ordered from Poshmark.  No, this box did not contain books.  This box did not contain anything that I had ordered.  This box was a gift, a blessing... and a "more than words can express" type gift and blessing at that.

I slowly moved away the crumpled newspaper and found a lantern with a candle inside and the words "Faith - Hope - Love" on it, topped with a bow green bow and butterfly.  I then pulled out a glittery Christmas ornament, a card, two bracelets, and ... the most beautiful Stay Strong coffee mug.

I stood there with tears falling down my face, some rouge glitter from the ornament still on my hands, looking at the lamp that had both our babies names on it, holding this ice cold mug with the most perfect message on it... and I knew I hadn't just randomly forgotten to look for a mug for that 20.21 mile race I had just completed.

God already had it all taken care of, via this amazing and completely unexpected blessing from a couple that had also been given the unexpected journey of child loss this summer. 

They said hello and goodbye to their little Hope Marie this summer, born with ancephialie.  I had been given the gift of getting to walk beside them during part of that journey. It had been incredibly hard, but it had also been exactly what I knew our #journeytofaith had been for... to be able to touch, and see, and feel the incredible pain and loss involved in having to place your precious little baby into the arms of Jesus far sooner than you ever believe you should have had to.

So, I now have the perfect mug to go with my 1st Run of 2021 race.

Stay Strong.  Stay strong after surviving 2020.  Stay strong entering 2021. Stay strong when all you want to do is give up, walk away, quit, stop, DNF (Did Not Finish in racing terminology).

Stay strong. (And I mustn't forget to mention there are blue butterflies on the back side of the mug. #evenmoreperfect.)

I couldn't have picked out a more perfect saying and meaning had I gone looking for it by myself.

And to the mom, dad and family of little Hope Marie... thank you.  I know you have no idea the perfection of the the timing and the specific gifts you sent, but know it was exactly what I was needing, exactly when I was needing it to help me Stay Strong.

 

Previous Blog Post { Dream BIG Princess Challenge } HERE

Next Blog Post { Sad, Serious and a Side of Snarky } HERE

Dream BIG Princess Challenge

Well peeps...  It's race week over here!

I admit, I am one that very rarely will say anything beforehand whenever I do these kinds of "crazy things" as my hubs tends to call them.  But I decided today to just be big, and brave, and say it out loud.

One of my big bucket list dreams is ... to do a live RunDisney weekend.  There's the StarWars Race Weekend, the Disney Princess Race Weekend, and the Disney Marathon Weekend.  Last year, I decided I knew I could never afford to register and travel and do the "real" weekend at Disney - but I could live vicariously through other runners who were, and I could train and do my own little virtual version... in my basement.

And I did.  And it was super hard, but fun... although no great selfies with any Disney characters or any of the true charm and excitement from being live and in person... but it was my #disneyonadime option.

And I finished that full marathon... 26.2 miles, in my basement, alone, without actually moving more than about 5 feet the entire way... and I swore I never needed to do that again.  Until I decided to do it again.  #ugh

All races everywhere basically were canceled, or went virtual, in 2020.  Including - all the big RunDisney weekends, which then started extending into 2021.  I got caught up in it all and admit, I almost clicked the register button for the 2021 virtual RunDisney Marathon weekend.  And then I remembered that the medals never arrived last year for my RunDisney Virtual Summer Shorts (5k's in June, July, Aug) that I signed up for - until well after summer.  And well, I am not going to run a race, on the scheduled race weekend, without having the medal(s).  So I backed up... deleted my credit card number... and closed the tab.

But my mind had begun to turn.

Last year, I had ended up using the not-mailed-in-time RunDisney Virtual Shorts metals for my own virtual Marathon Weekend.  I used my late-to-arrive summer metals (can you tell I'm NOT at all bitter about that am I? lol) in January, and trained and ran the same distances at the same times as they were running live in person in the parks. 

So I went online to try find the 2020 RunDisney Virtual Short medals again.

Except registration was already closed for that race.  But I was getting some hits for some of the medals that were now for sale, used on eBay and Poshmark.  The mind continued to turn.

And in the end... after hours and hours and hours (did I mention HOURS of time I spent on all of this #lovineveryminuteofit) here is what I came up with for me, myself, and I....

Dream Big Princess Challenge.  Jan 7-8-9-10, 2021.  Progressive 5k / 10k / Half Marathon / Full Marathon distances (same days and distances as the "official" RunDisney Virtual 2021 Marathon Weekend)  BUT ... I will be crossing the finish lines to medals, real medals, official Disney medals...

Only the medals are all used and from the 2018 RunDisney Princess Marathon weekend race.  Yup some beautiful soul out there ran those races and then plopped all their medals for sale on eBay - and I got them for a steal of a deal (well, in comparison to what it was going to cost me to register for the 2021 Virtual race).

But I didn't stop with the medals.

I spent more hours and hours searching for just the perfect race day outfits to go with each medal.  Ebay, amazon, poshmark, etsy ... I scoured them all for all my options and compared prices with ultimate favorites, made bids, decided what I would settle for prices (I have a personal $5 "limit" on most of my used online shopping/bidding) I was willing to spend and got completely caught up in the thrill of the hunt and creative building of this entire thing.

I also didn't stop with just the medals and race day outfits.

I spent more hours searching for the perfect race day mug to go with this whole challenge.  Yup, I'm one of those odd people that has started treating myself to a new coffee mug each time I train and finish for a large scale race (typically 13.1 miles or greater distance races, because I carry all these stupid self-imposed rules on myself).

So back to Ebay, amazon, poshmark, etsy again... and in the end, I found an almost perfect mug... but not quite... but thank you all things etsy and I was able to custom order the exact mug design I decided to go with, along with the exact verbiage of the race name I also decided to go with.

 And then I designed and printed some custom race bibs to match it all.

And thus we have my "unofficial" virtual RunDisney Dream BIG Princess Marathon Weekend Challenge. Yea, a lot of creative, crazy, thrifty stuff I know... but in the end, it's exactly what I wanted, all the way around.

I trained and am planning to do the same weekend and distances again, the perfect outfits, the perfect mug, the perfect medals, the perfect name.

And I can't help but smile as I think about why I even started running years ago... how I found myself so incredibly lost after the loss of our little #faithmaryjo that I didn't know if I'd ever find my way back up to the light.  Granted, I'm still staggering forward towards the light of healing, but I have pushed, grown, fought, pulled, drug myself through this super incredibly hard #journeytofaith and found running and miles and training to be something so much more than I ever imagined.  I do still consider myself a #runningnonrunner because I don't consider myself any kind of athlete... but I do know, deep inside, I really maybe am a little bit of a "real" runner deep within.

What can I say, I find excitement in planning to run #twentysixpointtwomiles for fun... in my basement... alone... on a treadmill (assuming that makes me "real"ish anyway).

So, as I officially enter another "race week," I dedicate all of this one to my own little princess in heaven, and say one huge thank you to her for giving me the inner grit to Dream BIG Princess, to allow myself to believe I can do hard things, and to push myself harder and deeper than I ever dreamed I would be able to go before that day I had to say hello and goodbye to her all at the same time.

I'm sad that the only princess stuff right now in our house are these medals, shirts, and race bibs... but I will tackle this challenge with hope and pride, taking the pink and princess magic any way I can take it right now, this side of heaven.

And Lord willing, all the mile magic and mercies will be sprinkling it's glitter down on me as I attempt this challenge this week.

Previous blog post { Where Am I Now - Covid Month Nine } HERE

Next blog post { Dream BIG Princess } HERE

Where Am I Now … Covid Month Nine

Yup, I’ve been MIA on here for a while… and after a while it gets a little tricky how to just jump back in. So, here we go. I’ve decided to try posting a few more things in 2021 and I’m going to simply start with a basic update, and I will try keep it all as short as possible. Cuz lord knows 2020 was anything but “as short as possible…”

If I were to have done a Christmas Letter this year, perhaps it would have been something like this…

Nine months ago the world as we knew it stopped. Nine months ago all the big, bad, scary, unknowns were just starting to become, well … known. Everyone was sent home and told to just stay there. Some did, some did not. Some could, some could not. There was essential workers, and non-essential workers, online learning and working from home. There were masks, and fear, and an unbelievable amount of media coverage.

I posted a few things along the way, but mostly kept myself quiet. Basically, full on survival mode. You can pop back to the homepage and catch up if you’ve missed them.

I personally spent most of the last nine months a hot mess. I struggled and wrestled through so many inner demons, so many obstacles and unknowns, so much really hard stuff (at least I sure thought it was hard, I don’t care what everyone else thinks). I know the entire world basically went through the same thing. Some people were very vocal, some people weren’t. Some people continued to be very social as well, some people weren’t. I chose the covid camp side of trying to remain silent while trying to remain safe and quarantined in my house. My choices, my thoughts, my beliefs (and I tried to just keep them to myself and not judge or push them onto anyone else). Most of what I chose to believe did not align with most around me, which added more stress and tension inside and all around me.

Since day one I chose to still get up at the same time I always did. To work out, get ready, and get fully work-ready dressed (with earring, accessories, shoes and the whole shebang). I am still continuing this to this day. Although, I am grateful to also still be allowed to work from home at this current time.

In May, Minnesota borders opened, and the campground opened, and I went from a three month isolation at my house, to the most bizarre case of entering a time zone at the campground as if nothing had happened, or was happening in the world around us. No social distancing, no masks… and I admit, it made for a really hard summer for me this summer. But, we did leave the state and went to the campground nearly every weekend this summer.

Baseball in Iowa started up about the same time, and after three months of isolation for the boy, we sent him off to baseball practice, and dugouts, and the spitting of illegal sunflower seeds (again, as if nothing had happened or was happening in the world around us). Again, this was also hard for me.

I continued my miles and my training, even though ever single race I was signed up for got canceled. Some went virtual, some just canceled. I basically stopped doing any miles outside, except on the weekends at the campground (I honestly just stopped feeling safe outside). So my treadmill, elliptical, and bike are getting all the love right now (and I do mean ALL the love, as I’m training for a full marathon race next week). #runlikethewindbullseye. All my training has brought me through finally agreeing to watch all the Star Wars, Mandalorian, and Marvel movies my son had been asking me to watch for years now. (and who knew – I loved them all!) #allthebabyyoda  This summer I signed up for several virtual Spartan race opportunities that I was not expecting to try, and ended up meeting and exceeding my 2021 intentionally logged miles goal for the year. My mileage and training ended strong… my weight however did not end where I was wanting it to be (nope, no grand covid transformation before and after posting over here for me. I lived… that’s all I can boast about.) Pandemics and isolation at home make a tough go for those who tend to emotionally eat.

Right as the pandemic was ramping up… my oldest son got back together with the beautiful girl he had never stopped loving… and it was so fun to see them bloom together again. She graduated from college, passed her RN test, and got her first full time job. AND this fall there was much excitement as he asked “Will you…” and she said “I will…” Then they bought an acreage together and have been busy starting to remodel it all for his salvage business and for their house together. So, I am officially the mother-of-the-groom and so in love with my future daughter-in-law. I’ve been able to be a part of pretty much everything and it’s been just so fun! We are eagerly looking forward to June 4, 2021. #toinfinityandbeyond

Brian and Isaiah spent months working on their passports… only to have their big trip to Canada canceled. They currently have a 2021 rescheduled trip date set, and we can only cross our fingers and pray it will come to be.

Also at the beginning of the pandemic, Brian decided he needed to change a few things with his carpentry business, and as I sat at home on furlough, he took the big scary steps to go out on his own - and is now sole owner of Crane Custom Carpentry. Scary steps to take in a scary time. He has been working nearly exclusively with Century Cabinetry and has been loving it. Our fingers also remain crossed with hope and anticipation for him as we enter 2021.

Isaiah, as with the rest of the kiddos, struggled learning from home, but we hung on strong and kept going. He built cardboard Titanics, and puzzles, and endless hours of rubix cubes. We read and watched movies and just stayed close. He also felt the crazy shift of life between home and the campground, but loved to be able to just run free with friends and just be outside and all over each weekend.

We decided at very last minute to actually go on a little vacation to the Wisconsin Dells in July. We got a great deal on accommodations, and the only park we went to was at 10% capacity. So, we rode a whole lotta go carts and roller coasters, floated down some water slides and wave pools… and literally absorbed gallons of hand sanitizer. It was definitely a once and done vacation spot for us, but we had fun (and none of us got covid.)

In the fall I transitioned out of furlough (yup, I’m still an art admin in the art dept at Staples Promotional Products) and Isaiah went back to school full time with all in-person learning… and somehow we are still there, despite all the crazy covid going on. There’s been some social distanced band concerts and wrestling tournaments with Isaiah… crazy crazy stuff. Some kids and parents follow the rules and requests being asked, some not… #thingsthatmakeyougohmmm

This fall I also made the decision to brave a trip with my parents to the Black Hills, to meet up with my brother who flew in from South Carolina (where he moved this summer) so we could fulfill the promise we made our dad a few years earlier as we stood on the top of Harney Peak together. We made a promise that for his 70th Birthday we would celebrate and make that same trek together again. The trip was changed and canceled multiple times due to covid and my brother and family moving… but at the last minute we decided to just make it happen and the original #oldenkamppartyoffour enjoyed an insane activity (and hand sanitizer) filled weekend together at the Black Hills, including a hike back to the top and back of Harney Peak.

In January we lost our dear Lily Lou and Isaiah has struggled all year with this loss. He still sleeps with her dog collar… but it’s been a hard year for him as well as the rest of us, and while he desperately wants another dog, we just haven’t been able to afford it. Perhaps some day God will grant us that wish of having two dogs again, but for now Miss Piper Joy remains spoiled rotten and attached (literally) at the hip to me. The covid isolation served her well as she was home with me 24/7 for the last nine months. I think of all of us, she benefited the most from this and will probably be the most devastated if we ever go back to a time when I’m not working from home full time anymore. Wink.

Brian entered his birthday and the holidays very sick and down for nearly a month as he dealt with gallbladder issues and eventually recovery from surgery.

So in a nutshell… we’re all still alive (well, minus Lily) and healthy here. None of us have had covid yet, and Lord willing we will continue to be able to stay healthy. It’s been a rocky, bumpy, rollercoaster of a ride (figuratively and literally lol) for all of us… but we are still here and still moving forward as best as each of us can right now.

2020 gave us lots of memories and lots of things to both mourn, and fear, and be grateful for. We have now turned the page to 2021. I know it will not magically change anything by just changing the zero to a one at the end of the year when a magically clock struck midnight, but it does mean time has continued to tick, and it’s time to just continue forward, holding tight the hands of hope and grace. 

 Next blog post ... { Dream BIG Princess } HERE

{ Previous blog post... One Snapshot In Time  HERE }