I spent too much time worrying over it all and decided I would train for it, I would require myself to do all the training outside, the hubs said we would turn the trip into our family vacation for the summer, and we both agreed we would make the final decision the week of the race, depending on the status of coming grandbaby.
Well… it’s officially race week. And… yet another decision about this gosh darn race needed to be made.
To post this update today, I am going to initially skip over what I’m hoping I will someday be able to go back to, as there so much going on that I haven’t fully written about yet. Some of it I’m hoping to be able to figure out how to put words to and share, and some I already know that I won’t be sharing on this platform, most of which are job and adoption related, which I want to honor and protect.
Click HERE for the post on this half marathon full story and my decision to train or not to.
I did start training. And the Iowa weather was anything be cooperative. It was a very cold, very wet, very windy spring here. Getting out there was a struggle for me. My back started bothering again, and my ankle, and my pride was taking a huge beating as my pace and distance just was nowhere close to where I have been in the past (and I have never been anything speedy or strong.)
Physical stress put on my body from the training, combined with mental stress being piled on through various layers of intense emotional situations left me the last few weeks basically existing in survival mode. I was waiting for the arrival of first grandbaby girl, and found myself dealing with some significant PTSD issues from my past births and losses, and the more I was aware of it and the more my mind got out of control, the more mad I became at myself, which only spiraled things to be even worse.
There was also the emotional rollercoaster of the puppy we were finally placed with after a two year wait, only to get a follow up call three days later that she had passed away. We processed and decided we would wait one more year, leave our names on the list one more year.
Somewhere during all of this, between the stress, and the weather, and the back pain, I had really no choice but to start modifying my training. I had to start splitting the miles on the longer runs between my treadmill and my elliptical, and finally gave up the fight altogether and went back to my previous outdoor minimum running temperature rule and tried to convince myself I wasn’t a failure for all that. We would eventually make it back to the lake for a few weekends, and some of those early morning lake runs were just so so hard. Any joy and fun previously experienced was no longer there, no matter how beautiful the sunrise might have been.
And then we would get the first of two life changing calls.
The first was a very unexpected puppy placement from a different breeder, one we had first been approved at three years ago, but we weren’t currently on their waiting list. At the last minute someone backed out on a female puppy – and if we wanted, we could claim her. Only catch – we would need to pick her up to bring her home within THE WEEK and we would not have any pick of the liter. Everyone would pick theirs up first and we would be the last. There were brown pups, and there were black pups… all we were guaranteed was she would be a female.
The hubs would eventually decide that yes was our answer and we were suddenly thrown from puppy loss and continued wait to … puppy placement and almost immediate pickup.
And then the call that our precious granddaughter had been born. She was alive and healthy and mom was alive and healthy, and my trauma brain was suddenly starting to almost see a little bit of light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel I’d been traveling in for quite some time. And I was officially a grandma, a grandma after my own infant loss. God didn't grant us the rainbow baby we had prayed for... but he would grant us the gift of perfect, little, beautiful granddaughter.
This did bring along a freight train of emotions, that would leave me navigating through the most beautiful and amazing and sad and hard few days of my life. So many emotions. So many emotions. So much love. So much sadness. So much joy. So much ache. So much anxiety. So much fear. So much pride. So much extreme. (Perhaps there will be more on this later if there are words to be found…)
And just like that – our family grew by ten little toes and four floppy paws within a matter of less than 48 hours.
And my mom would celebrate her birthday and my brother and nephew would fly in from South Carolina to visit for the holiday weekend.
And in a blur, we woke up and we were suddenly standing at the start of this week, and needing to make a decision on our vacation, and on the race.
The hubs immediately said he would back out of the vacation and stay home with the puppy. I did inquire if the hotel took dogs, and they did for an extra daily fee – but the last thing I wanted to attempt was to vacation with two dogs that probably wouldn’t be getting along and one of which was an eight week old puppy with zero training of anything except being cute.
So this left me with the decision if I still go with Isaiah, or if I back out of the race all together. Isaiah and I were signed up to run the 5K on Saturday together and I would run the half marathon Sunday. But the half would require me to be gone for hours while being bussed to the start and through the entire time of the actual race, and I knew I could not leave him alone. Not that I didn’t trust him, frankly, I’ve stopped trusting the entire world right now.
I had a double digit run scheduled to do at the lake and told Brian I was going to try figure out my decision on that run. At about mile eight I was given my answer, as I was reminded of an earlier conversation I had just had with my big kiddos about if my son should travel several hours away to attend a large revival he felt God was calling him to attend – and leaving a due-any-minute wife at home…. Everyone was telling him not to go, but they clearly felt God was saying go.
Somewhere during all of this, between the stress, and the weather, and the back pain, I had really no choice but to start modifying my training. I had to start splitting the miles on the longer runs between my treadmill and my elliptical, and finally gave up the fight altogether and went back to my previous outdoor minimum running temperature rule and tried to convince myself I wasn’t a failure for all that. We would eventually make it back to the lake for a few weekends, and some of those early morning lake runs were just so so hard. Any joy and fun previously experienced was no longer there, no matter how beautiful the sunrise might have been.
And then we would get the first of two life changing calls.
The first was a very unexpected puppy placement from a different breeder, one we had first been approved at three years ago, but we weren’t currently on their waiting list. At the last minute someone backed out on a female puppy – and if we wanted, we could claim her. Only catch – we would need to pick her up to bring her home within THE WEEK and we would not have any pick of the liter. Everyone would pick theirs up first and we would be the last. There were brown pups, and there were black pups… all we were guaranteed was she would be a female.
The hubs would eventually decide that yes was our answer and we were suddenly thrown from puppy loss and continued wait to … puppy placement and almost immediate pickup.
And then the call that our precious granddaughter had been born. She was alive and healthy and mom was alive and healthy, and my trauma brain was suddenly starting to almost see a little bit of light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel I’d been traveling in for quite some time. And I was officially a grandma, a grandma after my own infant loss. God didn't grant us the rainbow baby we had prayed for... but he would grant us the gift of perfect, little, beautiful granddaughter.
This did bring along a freight train of emotions, that would leave me navigating through the most beautiful and amazing and sad and hard few days of my life. So many emotions. So many emotions. So much love. So much sadness. So much joy. So much ache. So much anxiety. So much fear. So much pride. So much extreme. (Perhaps there will be more on this later if there are words to be found…)
And just like that – our family grew by ten little toes and four floppy paws within a matter of less than 48 hours.
And my mom would celebrate her birthday and my brother and nephew would fly in from South Carolina to visit for the holiday weekend.
And in a blur, we woke up and we were suddenly standing at the start of this week, and needing to make a decision on our vacation, and on the race.
The hubs immediately said he would back out of the vacation and stay home with the puppy. I did inquire if the hotel took dogs, and they did for an extra daily fee – but the last thing I wanted to attempt was to vacation with two dogs that probably wouldn’t be getting along and one of which was an eight week old puppy with zero training of anything except being cute.
So this left me with the decision if I still go with Isaiah, or if I back out of the race all together. Isaiah and I were signed up to run the 5K on Saturday together and I would run the half marathon Sunday. But the half would require me to be gone for hours while being bussed to the start and through the entire time of the actual race, and I knew I could not leave him alone. Not that I didn’t trust him, frankly, I’ve stopped trusting the entire world right now.
I had a double digit run scheduled to do at the lake and told Brian I was going to try figure out my decision on that run. At about mile eight I was given my answer, as I was reminded of an earlier conversation I had just had with my big kiddos about if my son should travel several hours away to attend a large revival he felt God was calling him to attend – and leaving a due-any-minute wife at home…. Everyone was telling him not to go, but they clearly felt God was saying go.
I had made a small side comment that if in the end he didn’t end up going, that he needed to not feel bad – to not feel that he wasn’t being obedient to his call. Because maybe it was all only about being faithful in the journey of saying yes.
Abraham was given a son after all those years of wait, and God would then ask him to sacrifice that only son. Can you even imagine that? But he remained faithful, and with all the tears and heartbreak, would bring that beloved son to be sacrificed as the Lord has asked him to. But that story wasn’t about the actual sacrifice, it was about the faithful journey to that moment. I told my son that sometimes it's how we need to look at the whole picture of what's being asked of us. God's calling for him to "go" would still be used and shown to all those watching while they faithfully just followed through with the plan and prep leading up to the actual moment, even if the final answer wasn't actually to end up "going."
On my run God would whisper this conversation back to me, that this training and this half marathon were maybe kind of the same thing. I said yes to the initial calling. I said yes through the entire time of this training. And for whatever reason, I was needing to merely remain faithful to the journey to the commitment… even if all that training would never be used to reach the actual final destination.
But then I would also weave together a possible plan to still do the races, but I could modify the dates and taking a friend along, a last minute ask for her to get off work and shuffle her life around to jump into my plans. I was very torn between knowing we would have such a great time if we could actually make it happen, and knowing it really wasn’t fair of me to even think to ask.
On my run God would whisper this conversation back to me, that this training and this half marathon were maybe kind of the same thing. I said yes to the initial calling. I said yes through the entire time of this training. And for whatever reason, I was needing to merely remain faithful to the journey to the commitment… even if all that training would never be used to reach the actual final destination.
But then I would also weave together a possible plan to still do the races, but I could modify the dates and taking a friend along, a last minute ask for her to get off work and shuffle her life around to jump into my plans. I was very torn between knowing we would have such a great time if we could actually make it happen, and knowing it really wasn’t fair of me to even think to ask.
I of course did ask, because she was also my sounding board of all my attempted processing.
She listened to all the options, all the thoughts, all the crazy brain things… and simply asked what deep inside was my heart really telling me to do. Which of course I already knew the answer to.
I already knew I needed to cancel, and to be honest I also knew I wanted to cancel. The 2018 Sara that signed up for that half marathon was not the same 2022 Sara sitting on my bed having to make this decision, again. That Sara hadn’t fallen and wrecked her ankle. Hadn’t had a back injury and battled through six months of recovery. Hadn’t had a positive covid test for three weeks straight only months earlier. Hadn’t gone through the level of emotional trauma that she was currently going through during this specific time and training.
One comment would strike me as our conversation continued, on top of that clear epiphany from my run the day before.
If I was to honestly take into account the current state of my physical and mental health, was doing this race really worth the possibility (or probability) of getting injured again? I would be of no good to anyone if I was down flat on my back again for six months. I would not be able to help or hold anyone including my kiddos, my husband, my grandbaby, or a new puppy in our house.
But I did not want to admit failure. I did not want to be a quitter. I did not want to own up to the fact that I – for the fourth year straight, would have to yet again not run this one stupid race. Well, I guess they will still be sending our race packets to us after the race so we can still do it all virtually… but it's not the same thing, no matter how much I try convince myself otherwise.
No, we will not be vacationing in the Black Hills this week. No I will not be running a 5K with my teenager. No I will not be running the half marathon I have been training for for the last three months (for the last four years).
I knew that my answer needed to be a no. I knew it. But that doesn’t make it any easier.
But the decision has been made. All the cancelation calls have been made. The race, the hotel, the single dog boarding reservation for our previously single dog. The grandbaby is here, alive and healthy. The new puppy is here, alive and healthy… and really, from the very beginning of my initial decision to keep the race/vacation plans and start the training three months ago, I have to remind myself that we had in fact said would make a final decision the week of …
She listened to all the options, all the thoughts, all the crazy brain things… and simply asked what deep inside was my heart really telling me to do. Which of course I already knew the answer to.
I already knew I needed to cancel, and to be honest I also knew I wanted to cancel. The 2018 Sara that signed up for that half marathon was not the same 2022 Sara sitting on my bed having to make this decision, again. That Sara hadn’t fallen and wrecked her ankle. Hadn’t had a back injury and battled through six months of recovery. Hadn’t had a positive covid test for three weeks straight only months earlier. Hadn’t gone through the level of emotional trauma that she was currently going through during this specific time and training.
One comment would strike me as our conversation continued, on top of that clear epiphany from my run the day before.
If I was to honestly take into account the current state of my physical and mental health, was doing this race really worth the possibility (or probability) of getting injured again? I would be of no good to anyone if I was down flat on my back again for six months. I would not be able to help or hold anyone including my kiddos, my husband, my grandbaby, or a new puppy in our house.
But I did not want to admit failure. I did not want to be a quitter. I did not want to own up to the fact that I – for the fourth year straight, would have to yet again not run this one stupid race. Well, I guess they will still be sending our race packets to us after the race so we can still do it all virtually… but it's not the same thing, no matter how much I try convince myself otherwise.
No, we will not be vacationing in the Black Hills this week. No I will not be running a 5K with my teenager. No I will not be running the half marathon I have been training for for the last three months (for the last four years).
I knew that my answer needed to be a no. I knew it. But that doesn’t make it any easier.
But the decision has been made. All the cancelation calls have been made. The race, the hotel, the single dog boarding reservation for our previously single dog. The grandbaby is here, alive and healthy. The new puppy is here, alive and healthy… and really, from the very beginning of my initial decision to keep the race/vacation plans and start the training three months ago, I have to remind myself that we had in fact said would make a final decision the week of …
We just had no idea then it wouldn’t just be the arrival of a grandbaby we would need to take into consideration. God would also be coordinating a new member to add to our own family and household.
Now to simply continue to process internally the fact that this NO is actually the BEST YES answer for all of us in this exact moment in our journey.
I trained. I processed. I prayed. I cried. I was crushed. I was relieved.
I’ve decided this week my body doesn’t need any more punishment for all it hasn’t done and all it can’t do. I don't need to prove anything to anyone, including myself. My body simply needs my love and my grace, not my condemnation and frustration right now.
Now to simply continue to process internally the fact that this NO is actually the BEST YES answer for all of us in this exact moment in our journey.
I trained. I processed. I prayed. I cried. I was crushed. I was relieved.
I’ve decided this week my body doesn’t need any more punishment for all it hasn’t done and all it can’t do. I don't need to prove anything to anyone, including myself. My body simply needs my love and my grace, not my condemnation and frustration right now.
And as so many other things in my life, it’s so easy to say and something entirely different to live out.
