Confidence in Her Un-confidence

I read something that really struck me this week.

“You will always be too much of something for someone;
Too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy.
If you round out your edges, you lose your edge.
Apologize for mistakes.
Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone-profusely.
But don’t apologize for being who you are.” (Danielle LaPorte)

I realize I have talked about this before, but really, my whole life I feel that I have lived with this feeling, this perception, that I have always been a little “too much” and a lot “not enough."

I was too loud, too imperfect, too lost, too bold, too different, too heavy, too impulsive, too… well I could go on and on. And mixed right in with all of that was also this feeling and perception that I have never been enough. Never skinny enough, smart enough, athletic enough, happy enough, graceful enough, doing enough, making enough, providing enough. Never… never… never…

So I have basically spent forty three years of my life chasing around my own tail. Running in circles trying to create, and please, and overcome, and perfect myself to the bar and standards set by the society around me and the unrealistic demons whispering their mantras within me. I’ve listened to the lies and propaganda and been sucked in to the shame game over and over and over.

Two years ago I reached a point when it all became just too much.

The loss, the tragedy, the unmet expectations, the imperfections, the disappointments all just got too high and came crashing down all around me.

I finally begin the hard and tedious work of plowing into some of this mess head on. The health and fitness. The inner healing and growth. The spiritual forgiveness and grace. I have read, prayed, run, slept, intentionally connected, been open and vulnerable. I have willed myself to stop numbing and try to fully feel, to fully hurt, to fully process, to fully start unpacking some of the junk weighing down the suitcase of life that I’m dragging along behind me.

It has not been easy. It has been long and grueling and exhausting. It has also been unbelievably life transformational.

I have made a few inches forward I think, but still have miles and miles in front of me to continue on trudging through.

Over the last two years I have decided to be honest and real on things I’ve felt, experienced, wanted, lost, needed, didn’t understand. I have decided to share and talk openly about things I’m not proud of, things I’m held hostage to, things I know I need to change but can’t.  I've also allowed myself to openly talk about things I've done, things I've accomplished, things I've struggled through and made some progress on.

I’ve decided to stop trying to change, and conform, and remold myself... and simply try and own my “too much’s” and my “not enough’s”.

Believe me, this sounds much easier than it’s actually been, but basically I guess I have decided to just have confidence in my un-confidence. I’ve decided to try and be “more than” in all of my “less than."

 I have decided to try love myself as I am rather than hate myself for all that I’m not.

I’ve decided I’m worth putting my own self on my own to-do list, and that it’s ok to put myself on the top line, rather than the bottom. And it’s ok not to erase myself off that list when it gets too long and something needs to be taken off. It’s ok to take time to exercise every day, and do my devotions, and order my groceries online, and even treat myself to a massage after running a half marathon. Heck, it's even ok to believe in myself and allow myself to train and actually run a half marathon... that is actually the real accomplishment, not just the justification for a massage...

It’s ok to let the ten year old wear whatever he wants to school and eat ice cream and little debbie's for breakfast. It’s ok to live in a house filled with clutter and mess and not need to be clean every moment of every day.

I’ve decided to try work through those feeling of selfishness, and shame, and uncertainty… and just try figure out who it is that God really created me to be, and what it is that God really created me to do, and what it is God has created me to say through my words and actions every day.

I am not “all that” and I never will be. I am not “perfect” and never will be. I am not “all together” and never will be. I am not the perfect wife, mom, daughter, housekeeper, friend, employee… and I never will be. Of course I will still die trying to be, because that’s just the nature of the blood coursing through my every vein and vessel of my body. I’ve been hardwired with a perfection complex and it has fed and thread it’s way through all of me and all of my relationships. It’s kept me from trying a lot of things, it’s kept me from a lot of happiness, and it’s kept me from enjoying a lot of life’s moments and memories. It’s made me incredibly hard to love and even harder to live with. It’s made me snappy, and crabby, and exhausted, and feeling lost and defeated for years and years and years.

And you know what, I’m still crabby and exhausted and hard to love and live with. And I’m still lost and defeated all the time. But I’m trying to simply learn to be ok with that. To stop trying to change that, to perfect that, to stop that, to overcome all that.

It’s ok to not be ok.

It’s ok to say no to things, it's ok to say yes to other things.  It's ok to fall apart at the seams, and it's ok to do what I need to do to pick myself back up and put my pieces back together again.  And it's ok if that doesn't happen overnight.  It's ok if that takes five years, or longer.  It's ok to mourn, it's ok to celebrate, it's ok to cry, it's ok to laugh.  It’s ok to post selfies, to get tattoos, to get odd places pierced, and to go to bed at 8:30pm.  It's also ok to choose to say no to the food you have chosen to not eat, even when it’s awkward and inconvenient and no one seems to really understand or care.

It’s ok to leave my raw, edgy, sharp corners just exactly the way they are... raw, edgy, and sharp.

I’m trying to dim, lessen, not see, not dwell on the bad things about myself that are continually trying to blind me, so that I can more clearly see, hear, touch those around me who are also hurting, and lost, and exhausted, and desperately needing to be loved and seen and encouraged. I'm trying to look outward more, and inward less.

It’s trying to give myself and others much more grace and much less of all my unattainable expectations.

I will never “arrive” this side of Heaven. I will always struggle, I will always battle, I will always be lost and I need to stop letting all that make me hide and cower and beat myself up over.

I hope to simply continue to strive to be more fully accepting (of both myself and others), to be confident in my un-confidence, and to push to be the me who I really am, without apologizing.

It's ok to be too much, and it’s ok to never be enough - because the truth is, we really are enough, and we really are perfect, because we were created in the image and likeness of God.

 Let me just say that one more time… we were created, on purpose, to be exactly who we are, in the image and likeness of God.  He creates only the best, the most beautiful, and the most perfect.  He did not envision or create you or I to be anything less than that.  He knew what He was doing, and He smiled when He was done.

“You will always be too much of something for someone;
Too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy.
If you round out your edges, you lose your edge.
Apologize for mistakes.
Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone-profusely.
But don’t apologize for being who you are.” (Danielle LaPorte)

{ Previous blog post "Summer Evolution Growth to Rest" HERE }

{ Next blog post "Days When I Am Done" HERE }